The New Norm - Victim Blaming - Page 4

Posted: 5 years ago
Originally posted by evenjleena28


I welcome healthy conversation and point of views, please do not respond if you cannot be constructive and offer a different perspective, I am able to handle the criticizing but I frown upon personal attacks.

"Blaming the victim is an act of refuge and self-deception. It allows the blamer to sit in judgment, imagining some mystical justice that means bad things happen only to bad people, thus ensuring their own safety.
Una, Becoming Unbecoming

I was not going to say anything purely because at the end of the day this show is fictional, yes affairs do happen in real life and life do get destroyed but each situation is different (for the people involved) and therefore my views have always been stated after looking at the situation from all angles.

Blaming the victim is easy, to say Nandini deserves what happened to her is easy because naturally all the sympathy is with Mauli who is as far as the audience is concerned, has not done anything to be criticized. What I am unable to fathom is why no one is blaming Kunal? The main culprit!!!!!

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, that is the beauty of a democratic society but bringing emotions in a debate changes the equation.

Nandini is breaking her friends trust, no denying that but would it not be prudent to think from her perspective? Our patriarchal society blames the women all the time (and let's face it we have too) but who is the real villain in this saga? She is breaking her friends trust but the MAN (Kunal) is breaking his vows. Which sin is bigger? There will be some who will say its trust and some that will say vows it's all about one's prerogative.

I never understood Nandini but after watching this series for a while she is showing classic symptoms of PTSD as described in DSMM. Does that justify what she is doing? NO it doesn't but why blame her when the person who really is to be blamed is the man here.

Why Do I say that?
     Kunal initiated the whole thing. He was unable to control his emotions and yes Nandini felt something towards him but she tried to resist him unlike him who never even tried.
     Yes she is cheating with him but from her perspective it makes sense right now the only good thing in her life is Kunal, Mauli is a second thought. For us normal individuals it is unfathomable because we have not been in that situation but for her a victim who has suffered horrendous abuse makes perfect sense.
     Kunal did not let her go when she realised that she cannot control her feelings. When Kunal told her he loves her and knows it is wrong she accepted that because she finally got one thing she had always wanted a male approval and someone who will love her unconditionally.
     From what I am seeing she has no expectations she is going with the flow and it is perfectly normal. I doubt she has any plans long-term or otherwise. What is Kunal's excuse?
     Kunal is not a baby that anyone can make him do things he is not being manipulated because manipulation means:
Psychological manipulation can be defined as the exercise of undue influence through mental distortion and emotional exploitation, with the intention to seize power, control, benefits and/or privileges at the victim's expense.
This does not sound like something Nandini is doing but something that Kunal is doing to Nandini he keeps telling her their love is true, sacred, destined by gods. She has never said that she has always agreed with whatever he says.
     After they had sex, Kunal appeared guilty, was it genuine? I highly doubt it given the moment he kisses her. He doesn't pick up her phone later but if he was so guilty why text? Also why not tell her he is guilty? These are mixed signals that any normal woman will find confusing and Nandini has just gone through substantial abuse.

It is easy to blame her because yes she is doing something that she shouldn't, but what about Kunal? I am 100% sure that experiencing betrayal can be devastating but to only blame one person is not fair. I hold Kunal more responsible because he started this whole game. He always initiated the conversations and also he is the one who is married. For Nandini it is finally being accepted by a man who is what she has ever wanted. Does that justify what she is doing to her friend? NO it doesn't but it makes sense. What about her friend's husband and what he is doing to his wife? The one with whom he said his vows?

To even think that Nandini deserves abuse is something I can never ever comprehend. What Nandini does or doesn't do, no one deserves abuse that includes Rajdeep. Abuse is something that only people who goes through understands the psychological effects. It takes away person's self-confidence, ability to think, and rationalisation mind-set. These things are proved again in the DSMM, do read the manual if anyone is interested and you will get better understanding of why Nandini is behaving the way she is all over the place.

I feel that Kunal is psychologically abusing Nandini; he is the one manipulating her and not the other way around. When his mood strikes its true love and when his mood strikes its guilt. He hides from Mauli and knows that apart from Mauli, Nandini has no one and even then without thinking of any ramification he is still continuing in his affair.

Blaming a victim is easy but empathy is important too.
 

Thank you for making this post. It really generated some healthy discussions here, which I know is hard with all the emotions swirling in the air regarding everything that's happening in the show. Try as we might, it's hard to stay objective, especially right after watching the episode but when we discuss it and share our views like this, I think it really helps to learn something new and gain a new perspective. 

I completely agree with you. While both Nandini and Kunal are guilty, Kunal should be held more responsible and accountable for his actions. I will be honest that I was happy after he confessed that he loved her. I was tired of the whole them trying to stay away from each other but not able to change their feelings. I would have accepted that if it was love. But everything that happened afterwards is not acceptable to me.

I honestly was waiting when Kunal would sit down with Nandini and decide what they are going to do from here. Yes, you have accepted and confessed your feelings to each other..but now what? He's married and while she has separated from her abusive husband, she is not legally divorced yet! (which by the way her divorce is going to get messy now and I won't be surprised if Rajdeep's lawyers paint her as someone who was lying about the abuse, or that it was justified because she always seduce men or something. Especially when we have that incident with that doctor who came to Mauli's home and said something along the same lines about Nandini.)

Kunal is married, and yet he is acting like a guy who is single and is being with Nandini as such. Only of course he is doing behind everyone's back. I really did not expect that kind of behaviour from him. More than Nandini, I can't understand what is going on in Kunal's mind. You told her you loved her and now what she is someone on the side that you love? Mauli even brought up having a baby, and still he hasn't thought about the future? About coming clean to Mauli, to lay it all out in from of her? That should have been the first thing that happened after he professed his love to Nandini. I know that while ideally that would have been the case, in real life it's different but still it should be something that came across his mind and he is planning to do. But that's not shown here at all.

Nandini might be suffering from possible mental illness and even if she wasn't her case is different given everything she's gone through. But he has no excuse at all. Considering that everyday he has to go back to his wife and family, how can he not see what he is doing? Mauli will be the most affected and feel the most betrayed but the truth is that entire family will be betrayed. They love their daughter-in-law, they've been an open and understanding family, they've welcomed Nandini into their home and defend her when the need arises and now when they learn about this affair, it's going to devastate them. I fear Deeda and Kunal's mother will blame Nandini the most, because to them Kunal and Mauli's marriage was fine before she came along.

Mauli will suffer the most but I fear things will deteriorate for Nandini. Both women will suffer the most. Because based on Kunal's wishy-washy behaviour, when his family will turn against him and he will fully realize the enormity of his actions, I don't know just how much 'love' for Nandini he will be feeling then.


Edited by LiveLifeInBliss - 5 years ago
Posted: 5 years ago
Originally posted by sammy17


I understood and agree with everything you said apart from the last part of kunal in a way abusing her. Technically no, as she also felt attraction to him as he did, she equally wanted this as much as he did. I see no abuse here. She herself sees her feelings of infatuation for kunal as love, as he does, and its not something he just put into her head.


I agree that nandini has experienced so much abuse and lack of love from her husband, that she sees someone like kunal as a breath of fresh air in her life that she was unable to resist. She ultimately wants something that isn't hers, merely because she has a lack of it. Her best friend mauli has a husband that DID love her and pampered her, something nandini lacked, but that very thing, nandini has now taken away from mauli just to fulfill the void of love and belonging in her own life. And that is the main thing that disgusts me about nandini alongside zero guilt and ehsaan faramoshi towards her savior friend. She cut the hands that saved her from a life of misery and abuse.

Kunal on the other hand is unfathomably disgusting. I agree with you 100% that he is more to blame. He was the one who showed the initial attraction too before nandini did, and I haven't forgot that. All those words of love to mauli were nothing but words the moment he started gawking at nandini as she danced in the rain. Bloody lusty pig.🤢


Abuse does not mean physical, sexual, emotional only. There are many layers to it. I found Kunal to be very opportunistic and he knows that Nandini only has Mauli and he has taken away that life line too. Does that justify what Nandini is doing? absolutely not but it makes sense. Kunal is a doctor and as a doctor it is his duty to first address the underlining issues.

Think about that - that she is literally cutting the hand that saved her fate. Who does that? will a normal person do that? we know that married men rarely leave their wife, Nandini is still blindly going in this. Does that not say that she has deep issues that needed to be resolved?

The last part - totally agree with you there. He is a lusty pig and a creep!!!!
Posted: 5 years ago
Originally posted by LiveLifeInBliss


[/DIV]
Thank you for making this post. It really generated some healthy discussions here, which I know is hard with all the emotions swirling in the air regarding everything that's happening in the show. Try as we might, it's hard to stay objective, especially right after watching the episode but when we discuss it and share our views like this, I think it really helps to learn something new and gain a new perspective.

I completely agree with you. While both Nandini and Kunal are guilty, Kunal should be held more responsible and accountable for his actions. I will be honest that I was happy after he confessed that he loved her. I was tired of the whole them trying to stay away from each other but not able to change their feelings. I would have accepted that if it was love. But everything that happened afterwards is not acceptable to me.

I honestly was waiting when Kunal would sit down with Nandini and decide what they are going to do from here. Yes, you have accepted and confessed your feelings to each other..but now what? He's married and while she has separated from her abusive husband, she is not legally divorced yet! (which by the way her divorce is going to get messy now and I won't be surprised if Rajdeep's lawyers paint her as someone who was lying about the abuse, or that it was justified because she always seduce men or something. Especially when we have that incident with that doctor who came to Mauli's home and said something along the same lines about Nandini.)

Kunal is married, and yet he is acting like a guy who is single and is being with Nandini as such. Only of course he is doing behind everyone's back. I really did not expect that kind of behaviour from him. More than Nandini, I can't understand what is going on in Kunal's mind. You told her you loved her and now what she is someone on the side that you love? Mauli even brought up having a baby, and still he hasn't thought about the future? About coming clean to Mauli, to lay it all out in from of her? That should have been the first thing that happened after he professed his love to Nandini. I know that while ideally that would have been the case, in real life it's different but still it should be something that came across his mind and he is planning to do. But that's not shown here at all.

Nandini might be suffering from possible mental illness and even if she wasn't her case is different given everything she's gone through. But he has no excuse at all. Considering that everyday he has to go back to his wife and family, how can he not see what he is doing? Mauli will be the most affected and feel the most betrayed but the truth is that entire family will be betrayed. They love their daughter-in-law, they've been an open and understanding family, they've welcomed Nandini into their home and defend her when the need arises and now when they learn about this affair, it's going to devastate them. I fear Deeda and Kunal's mother blame Nandini the most, because to them everything was fine before she came along.

Mauli will suffer the most but I fear things will deteriorate for Nandini. Both women will suffer the most. Because based on Kunal's wishy-washy behaviour, when his family will turn against him and he will fully realize the enormity of his actions, I don't know just how much 'love' for Nandini he will be feeling then.



[/QUOTE]

You have put it so beautifully I have nothing more to add 👏 👏 👏

You are absolutely correct, I hold the same questions and have no answers. She is dancing intimately with him but then he is dancing too, so why only her that is being blamed?

Kunal is a doctor and he has done everything that a doctor will not do. His behaviour is very confusing and at times it appears manipulating and coercive and that is my problem. I cannot understand him and his motives.
Posted: 5 years ago

Why isn't Kunal being blamed for

what all he is doing.He is

blamed., but why is nandini

blamed more? It is not like

that I think . It is more like

Nandini being discussed more. If

you see no one is bringing

any analysis or can we say

justifications for Kunal's actions because all know he is wrong totally

wrong. But for nandini people are

trying to give justification here;

It is not about women being

bashed more or men are not.

It is that Kunal is beyond redemption. No one are wishing him with mouli or Nandini. No one wants him with any of the women

I don't know if he

manipulated or coaxed Nandini

into this relation because we

never know if Nandini is scarred

after the abuse mentally or not.

Makers nowhere showed us so.

If it was so is nandini only

craving for a man's love and not

just any love? Mouli was more

concerned for her and saw to it

that she is comfortable with

everything in her house. How did it

even become that nandini loves

Kunal more than Mouli.

And for nandini, she is been

there , that heartbreak of

betrayal of her abuser husband.

And she is inflicting the same

pain on Mouli, who was the only

one who took her hand and stood

by her at times like that. I

have seen real life cases where

even sisters don't let them inside

their house even though they

would help them. Mouli gave

not just shelter but a family

to her. If you are seeing

more bashing for her character

it is because of this. It is because mouli made everyone feel for her with goodness. And

what is her goodness? It is

doing the right thing at any

difficult times. who would want

to take on a person like raj deep.

She did only for nandini. And

what did nandini do in return,

when she had to choose her

happiness over mouli's pain. She

chose the wrong thing and became

a bad person 

Edited by ..silverlotus.. - 5 years ago
Posted: 5 years ago
Originally posted by Anahi



always up for healthy discussions. 


sorry i am using mobile so kindly avoid typos.


i wont comment on what nandini deserves.. but i know this is not something mauli deserves.. if nandini were not her best friend, if she were not indebted to mauli, if mauli had not been such extra ordinarily supporting friend to nandini , if nandini were not a VICTIM of abuse and bad marriage , if she didnt know the importance of good husband and had not ever craved for true love  then i would have understood HER .. since she herself been a victim of bad marriage she should REALISE what she is doing with her best friend.. being in love, being emotionally driven or longing for happiness can not justify her deeds..


if mauli were not her friend and they were strangers , i would have probably sympathized with nandini.. but what she has done is completely wrong and can not make me empathise with her.. i may pity her, may sympathize if she ended up being alone or being ditched by kunal..but empathy.. no!! and trust me, i really dont want her to get ditched again.. i wish she could have realised that loving kunal was fine but having a sexual or love relation with him is nothing but backstabbing mauli.. 


u say kunal is the only happiness in her life and mauli is a second thought, i say she CHOSE kunal to be her only happiness ,and her priority.. she could have chosen mauli as a reason for her happiness, she could have made mauli her priority. who wouldnt want a friend like mauli? i pity nandini as she is going to lose a gem like mauli for her preferences.. we all know kunal is the biggest loser ever.. chosing him over mauli is such a pity. a guy who has no reasons to fall out of love with his legal wife.. i wonder if nandini who always keep thinking about kunal and her love ,had ever thought logically that what made kunal falling out of love with mauli?? or does he love both??

it was friendship vs love (+backstabbing ur best frnd). she chose latter..  She was attracted towards kunal and was indebted to both kunal and mauli.. She CHOSE to ACCEPT kunal's love and not mauli's happiness.. It was a CHOICE made by her.. doesnt she know accepting kunal's love means betraying mauli?? 

She didnt get carried away , she was happy even after getting into her senses or say she was always in her senses while making a physical relationship with kunal.. she wasnt thinking about mauli.. not at that time and never after that incidence she ever thought about mauli.. u say mauli is second on her mind but i think the thing called mauli is not at all playing in her mind.. not even when she faced mauli.. tell me how to empathise with her??? 
 

she is backstabbing her friend ... not once but every day.. from accepting rose from kunal to accepting his love and then sleeping wih him.. this kills viewers like me.. i can not imagine myself doing this to my friend no matter how much attracted i am to her husband or bf.. 

i know i am not an abused person like nandini but i have already explained since she being in an abused relationship, she should have valued true relations more which she didnt.

kunal.. who said we are only blaming nandini.. it was kunal who initiated all this.. he was the one who had a sacred relationship called marriage with mauli.. oh! he still has 
  

in my eyes both are equally wrong.. kunal was never out of love with mauli.. he was very much loving husband till few episodes back . he was caring, understanding, loving, cute , innocent and a genteman.. he has no excuse to fall out of love with mauli.. but yet he CHOSE to name his feelings for nandini.. and he named it Love. what a joke!! i agree he tried to fight with his thoughts but at the end he chose to be with nandini. in his case it was ATTRACTION (+symapthy) vs LOVE (+MARRIAGE) and like nandini made a choice he too made a choice.. kunal was all frantic, mad, delusional, childish , immature and a love-sick-pupoy during the whole i-love-nandini track .  i wonder if he is a real doctor and a man in his 30s?? does he even know the meaning of love?? love is love .. for me there are no such things called true or false love.. love may happen twice or more than that. but for that one needs to get out of one relationship first (not only physically but mentally too) and then going for another relationship.. and it was no gf/bf relationship .. this relationship was marriage and he chose not to respect it..

nandini can definitely fall for kunal but kunals reasons for falling for her are plain bogus.. nobody is convinced except few.. 

whether they truly love each other is a debatable topic and people may have their own reasons to stand with or against them but them chosing each other over mauli who is a saviour for one and wife to other is a big shame.. 

again, i wont comment on what nandini deserves.. at this point of time i really dont know the answer.. i CHOSE to wish good for mauli than choosing bad for nandini as right now mauli is the one i am concerned for.. SHE DEFINITELY DOESNT DESERVE THIS ! 

and thats making almost everyone hate nandini.. its more  about "backstabbing a person like mauli" more than "kunal-nandini love saga".. 

its all about the choices they both have made.. 

and i dont think kunal is playing with nandini's mind.. She is an adult though immature but its not a kheer making thing for which kunal had convinced her.. i know even we adult people also get emotionally blackmailed by loved ones but like i said it not a simple thing for which she is being convinced by kunal.. it was a huge step..  a step which could pave path for her happiness but to destroy her friends happiness.. and she chose her happiness over mauli's happiness and trust.. 


ps : its really late.. i will reply to u tomorrow if u want to go for futhur discussion  😊


This is such a brilliant post.⭐️
wonderful analysis covering all that there is.
Bravo Anahi!


Posted: 5 years ago

Why Nandini is blamed?

1. Women are tend to get judged, criticized and questioned more. Sad reality though.

2. Nandini is a 'Comma'.
You can add further thoughts here.
debate and discuss and analyze.

Is she... white, grey or black?
Is she ... Victim or aggressor?
Is she ... Right or wrong?

Kunal is a 'Fullstop'.
Barring hardcore fans NO one else be it haters, neutrals, others and aliens think this character deserves any excuses or justification.
He is wrong. Full stop.

and there ends the discussion. what's there is to analyze if we know that character is wrong?

strictly speaking for self.. talking about this character is wastage of bandwidth and my data pack.😳.

3. controversial opinion.

Popularity of the actors and the fandom.
The popular the actor and the touchier the fandom... the more trashing happens.
ofcourse some comments are so below the belt that they are disturbing to read.. but not everyone is out to 'get' the actor and doesn't warrant a personal attack or labelling for their negative opinions.

4. After watching, getting attached and analyzing, debating, drooling and discussing quite a few shows and the characters.. hereby i conclude that..
when we see, perceive, add depth, layers, dimensions to the characters.. we are doing it courtesy our intellect, EQ, IQ and our attachment.
the reality would be... The characters are in actuality just what they are shown. Uni or max two-dimensional.
The Cvs, makers don't really care as WE do.

Unless silsila cvs show and convince me otherwise.. i will stick to my current opinion.
They are militantly adhering to their 'Juzzbaat Juzzat hote hai' motto. and according to them Nandini is snow white with Juzzbaat. Not a victim of any mental issues. (shame though. it would be have deep multi-dimensional story then.)
even if that means bringing down 33 million Gods to make their point.. they will do it.

unfortunately THAT is turning off audience more coz as far as they can see Nandini is coming across as cold-blooded, ungrateful, selfish being.
and that is warranting the hate i guess.😊


Posted: 5 years ago
Yes no need to thi k about nandhini mental issues .when makers r itsekf not concentrating on that and talki g about jazzbaat ..why we discuss
She is what she us be I g shown a cold hearted woman who ditches who gave her life without an iota of guilt and to justify this they r using god which is repulsive
Posted: 5 years ago
victim blaming is wrong but N still a victim? She was but she is no longer.
Posted: 5 years ago
PS: Can someone (preferably a doctor or psychology student ) list out PTSD symptoms N is showing?
Posted: 5 years ago
Originally posted by Anahi



always up for healthy discussions. 


sorry i am using mobile so kindly avoid typos.


i wont comment on what nandini deserves.. but i know this is not something mauli deserves.. if nandini were not her best friend, if she were not indebted to mauli, if mauli had not been such extra ordinarily supporting friend to nandini , if nandini were not a VICTIM of abuse and bad marriage , if she didnt know the importance of good husband and had not ever craved for true love  then i would have understood HER .. since she herself been a victim of bad marriage she should REALISE what she is doing with her best friend.. being in love, being emotionally driven or longing for happiness can not justify her deeds..


if mauli were not her friend and they were strangers , i would have probably sympathized with nandini.. but what she has done is completely wrong and can not make me empathise with her.. i may pity her, may sympathize if she ended up being alone or being ditched by kunal..but empathy.. no!! and trust me, i really dont want her to get ditched again.. i wish she could have realised that loving kunal was fine but having a sexual or love relation with him is nothing but backstabbing mauli.. 


u say kunal is the only happiness in her life and mauli is a second thought, i say she CHOSE kunal to be her only happiness ,and her priority.. she could have chosen mauli as a reason for her happiness, she could have made mauli her priority. who wouldnt want a friend like mauli? i pity nandini as she is going to lose a gem like mauli for her preferences.. we all know kunal is the biggest loser ever.. chosing him over mauli is such a pity. a guy who has no reasons to fall out of love with his legal wife.. i wonder if nandini who always keep thinking about kunal and her love ,had ever thought logically that what made kunal falling out of love with mauli?? or does he love both??

it was friendship vs love (+backstabbing ur best frnd). she chose latter..  She was attracted towards kunal and was indebted to both kunal and mauli.. She CHOSE to ACCEPT kunal's love and not mauli's happiness.. It was a CHOICE made by her.. doesnt she know accepting kunal's love means betraying mauli?? 

She didnt get carried away , she was happy even after getting into her senses or say she was always in her senses while making a physical relationship with kunal.. she wasnt thinking about mauli.. not at that time and never after that incidence she ever thought about mauli.. u say mauli is second on her mind but i think the thing called mauli is not at all playing in her mind.. not even when she faced mauli.. tell me how to empathise with her??? 
 

she is backstabbing her friend ... not once but every day.. from accepting rose from kunal to accepting his love and then sleeping wih him.. this kills viewers like me.. i can not imagine myself doing this to my friend no matter how much attracted i am to her husband or bf..
 

i know i am not an abused person like nandini but i have already explained since she being in an abused relationship, she should have valued true relations more which she didnt.

kunal.. who said we are only blaming nandini.. it was kunal who initiated all this.. he was the one who had a sacred relationship called marriage with mauli.. oh! he still has 
  

in my eyes both are equally wrong.. kunal was never out of love with mauli.. he was very much loving husband till few episodes back . he was caring, understanding, loving, cute , innocent and a genteman.. he has no excuse to fall out of love with mauli.. but yet he CHOSE to name his feelings for nandini.. and he named it Love. what a joke!! i agree he tried to fight with his thoughts but at the end he chose to be with nandini. in his case it was ATTRACTION (+symapthy) vs LOVE (+MARRIAGE) and like nandini made a choice he too made a choice.. kunal was all frantic, mad, delusional, childish , immature and a love-sick-pupoy during the whole i-love-nandini track .  i wonder if he is a real doctor and a man in his 30s?? does he even know the meaning of love?? love is love .. for me there are no such things called true or false love.. love may happen twice or more than that. but for that one needs to get out of one relationship first (not only physically but mentally too) and then going for another relationship.. and it was no gf/bf relationship .. this relationship was marriage and he chose not to respect it..

nandini can definitely fall for kunal but kunals reasons for falling for her are plain bogus.. nobody is convinced except few.. 

whether they truly love each other is a debatable topic and people may have their own reasons to stand with or against them but them chosing each other over mauli who is a saviour for one and wife to other is a big shame.. 

again, i wont comment on what nandini deserves.. at this point of time i really dont know the answer.. i CHOSE to wish good for mauli than choosing bad for nandini as right now mauli is the one i am concerned for.. SHE DEFINITELY DOESNT DESERVE THIS ! 

and thats making almost everyone hate nandini.. its more  about "backstabbing a person like mauli" more than "kunal-nandini love saga".. 

its all about the choices they both have made.. 

and i dont think kunal is playing with nandini's mind.. She is an adult though immature but its not a kheer making thing for which kunal had convinced her.. i know even we adult people also get emotionally blackmailed by loved ones but like i said it not a simple thing for which she is being convinced by kunal.. it was a huge step..  a step which could pave path for her happiness but to destroy her friends happiness.. and she chose her happiness over mauli's happiness and trust.. 


ps : its really late.. i will reply to u tomorrow if u want to go for futhur discussion  😊


Completely agree with you.  Well written.

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