Arnav decides to let rationality, objectivity and logic rest for the night and allow the voice in his head to continue to talk and convince him that its not really a voice. He doesn't remember the last time he slept before midnight or in a haze of exhaustion and stress. Whatever medication was pumped to his system has turned his body into a mellow jelly that just doesn't want to become taut in control. He both hates it and adores it. He settles in his bed comfortably and brings sheets to his neck. Its an oddly nostalgic thing for him as his mind remembers the hands that did it for him, with tinkling noise of bangles and smell of jasmine perfume. He shakes his head and huffs out a chuckle. "I have got no where else to be", he says aloud and feels immediately stupid.
The voice comes back louder than before. "Thanks for giving me a chance", the voice says.
Arnav lifts his shoulders in shrug but quickly realizes how dumb it is and makes noises of acquiescing.
"Once I was whole. And then I wasn't anymore", the voice begins. He closes his eyes as the story of the voice begins, like a memory repeating itself in one's head without any pictures.
"When was this once?" He asks.
There is no immediate response, but he feels the melancholy in his bones as if its his own. Its not and he is surprised that he is able to differentiate what's his and what isn't.
"Let me start from the beginning", the voice starts making him hum low. The voice continues, "There was once, a time if you will, when I was whole. In your terms and in your definition of the world, I would say I was a being with an independent existence."
"What you mean your definition of the world?" Arnav sits up, half in surprise and half in curiosity. Before the voice could answer, he adds, "Do you mind if I make notes? The huff of laugh makes him smile as he lights the lamp next to his bed and pulls a notepad and pen from the drawer. "I just like to know what I am dealing with, that's all. He explains his motives, unmitigated.
"Humanity is a child, a baby, in the grand schema of cosmos. The collective experience of humanity can be compared to that of what single celled organisms felt during evolution. Important, in the grand scheme of things but insignificant when you compared your current state", the voice explains. The voice pauses as Arnav writes on notepad.
"Are you an alien?" He asks.
There is a moment of hesitation before the voice responds. "I am not human though I have experienced humanity for thousands of years. I was there when a bone was picked to dig the earth and I was there when a message was sent across the continent without uttering a word or writing a letter. I was there in middle of hundreds of wars and have tasted death and destruction. Tell me Arnav, does this make me less human?"
Arnav pauses writing for a moment and collects his thoughts. "Hey, what do I know about what it means to be human. I didn't mean it as an offense... wait, do you have a name?"
The laughter that bursts in his head makes him chuckle as well. "What? You know my name and pretty much everything about me since you are in my head and I am at a disadvantage."
"I live in your head but I don't know everything about you. I get a glimpse of what you are thinking at your most vulnerable moments. So, don't worry about reading minds and all that. Cause, I can't."
"How do I know you aren't lying?" He asks, a moment of panic settling in the base of his neck.
The voice loses the amusement it held. "Arnav, I promise I am not lying to you and will never lie to you. its not in my nature to do so. I can even say that its impossible for my kind to lie."
Arnav smiles. "And here I thought you were human since lying is one of the most instinctive basic human traits."
The voice reflects his amusement. "Touch", comes the response and Arnav lets it be.
"So, what are you then?" He deflects swiftly.
"We once lived a long finite life when this part of the world didn't look like this. I was there before this world was even born and was there before this part of the universe even existed. I have seen different worlds born and die, species go extinct and form new life. I have been there for more than what you can even imagine."
"How did you come to be?"
"My kind doesn't have the finality of start and end of existence. Its what humanity calls life birth, death and do a lot of things in between. I just came to be, and I have continued to be, and I will keep continuing to be. Simplistically, if any being has any consciousness, I can live there, and the universe is old enough and big enough for me to find a suitable place."
"Is this how your kind lives? In heads of people?"
The voice scoffs. "Of course not. We had our world, we had what you call our lives'. We did our thing. One moment it was all serene and the next we were thrown across the universe in different directions. Very few of us survived and many perished during the destruction of our world."
"There are more of you?" Arnav yelped in surprise.
The voice laughs at him and he feels the condescending tint to it in his spine. He simply scowls at his notebook. "There probably are more of my kind but I haven't encountered in the millions of years I have spent in this part of the universe. But I haven't given hope yet. The voice says, a little sad. "Hope that's another thing that humanity has taught me. its such a wonderful thing". Now its wistful and Arnav doesn't have it in him to bring out his cynical self.
"Must be lonely". Arnav blurts and momentarily feels horrified for the lack of filter. The voice however echoes that sentiment. "So, you live in people's or beings' head?" He asks.
The voice hums in agreement. "I have lived next to consciousness of many people, many beings, many animals. Its always a different experience. I can see the world through their eyes, listen to what they hear, experience sense of touch and taste and smell. I can never feel exactly what they feel but then are extremely stressed or completely vulnerable, I can feel to a certain extent what they feel. Its when the boundaries of my existence and their consciousness is thin." The voice pauses for a moment before continuing. "Sometimes I jump to different being and sometimes I stick with one where I am at, till they perish."
"So, you can leave my head anytime you want?" Arnav asks, fascinated.
"If the situation is conducive for my jump, then I sure can. In most cases I just stay where I am unless I find it necessary to leave. I have many millennia to look forward to, what's couple of decades in that scale."
"So, you are like a virus", he says flatly.
The voice sounds indignant when it says, "I am not some infection in your head, you punk." Arnav laughs.
"A parasite then!" He sniggers to himself as the voice splutters expletives in various languages. He catches few words here and there and it sets another fit of laughter. After few minutes he recovers and wipes his eyes off the tears.
"Alright I accept you are a very ancient and a very intelligent entity that lives adjacent to a living thing's consciousness and need living things however small they are, for you to exist." He writes it down as he says aloud just so he could wrap his head with all the information the voice was dumping on him.
"That's quite right, the voice responds primly. "Not completely accurate because my existence has nothing to do with... you know what? Never mind. This is probably the easiest way to explain... me."
"But you will tell me more in future, yes?" Arnav asks, his voice small. The voice is suddenly gentle.
"Anything you ask, I will answer. I told you I won't lie."
"Thank you, Arnav says, touched. "What do I call you though?"
"I like the name Khushi. You can call me that."
"There is a girl named Khushi in my office." Arnav grumbles. "Like you she is an entity that defies normal existence."
"Got a crush on her, I see," the voice, Khushi, giggles.
Arnav rolls his eyes. "I have crossed paths with her twice. There is no crushing going on here."
"She was the last person you saw in morning before you fell down the stairs. That's when I heard the name."
"That's cheating." Arnav snaps. Khushi just laughs at his expense. "You borrowed her name?" He asks just the same.
"I just said that. Yes, I liked the name and thought it was apt for me. So, borrowed it."
"What was your name before you decided to haunt my head?"
"I am not haunting your head because guess what you jerk, I am not a ghost," Khushi says exasperated and chuckles in amusement at Arnav's laugh. "I haven't had a name till now," she says.
"Why not? Didn't anyone ask what your name was when you started talking to them? Or did they get shipped off to psychiatric ward before they got to the point?"
Khushi doesn't respond for several minutes. Arnav closes the notepad and shoves it under his pillow. He hears what he thinks is crying. "Khushi?" He asks, slightly worried.
"I never had an opportunity to own a name because this is the first time in my entire existence when a being I am living with is able to hear me and respond back to me."
Arnav stills at this revelation. "No one ever knew you were living in their head? Ever?"
"No. Never. Khushi responds solemnly. "My existence is like a prisoner chained to his chair and is made to watch TV and talk to the TV without anything that's playing on TV talking back to me. of course I could jump to different beings, but in every case my predicament remained the same. With some people it was like they had only one boring channel all the time while some were multitudes of fascinating channels. Didn't make it any less lonely."
"But in the end, it was all second hand experience. Isn't it?" Arnav says, nodding.
"Imagine my surprise when the being hears me and responds, Khushi" sounds fond.
"Imagine my surprise when a woman's voice starts talking in my head. Wait, you are a woman, right?"
"Gender is such a human thing." Khushi sniffs in response. Arnav grins to himself and settles down to sleep. "Till tomorrow then." He hears her voice amidst rustling of the sheets. He is asleep before he can finish saying "Goodnight."
--------------------------------------------------------
"Hello?" Arnav says in general direction. "Are you there or was yesterday was a bad reaction to medication and I was hallucinating the whole thing?"
"Nope. Still here. Not a hallucination," comes an immediate response.
"Oh." Arnav pauses for a moment, shrugs and continues to dress for work. "Good morning," he says. He chuckles when he sees talking to himself in the mirror.
"Good Morning Arnav. Sleep well?" Khushi asks.
"Didn't you realize I was awake?" Arnav asks, intrigued.
"I do have access to your senses so yes, I knew the moment you were awake. I was giving you some space, that's all."
"Thanks for that." Arnav grins at his reflection. "I think? He adds, just to be an ass. "So how does it work? I have to... activate you or invoke you or call you or something?"
He can practically feel Khushi laugh. "It's not a funny question," he says, petulant.
"No, of course not. Its perfectly valid, its just that I have never had the opportunity to be in this position where I actually get to interact with my host."
"A-ha!" Arnav points to his reflection. "You called me your host. That makes you either a virus or a parasite. Admit it lady!" He is grinning. He probably hasn't smiled this much since he was twelve and that was before. Well before everything that went wrong.
Now he feels Khushi rolling her eyes. "When you want to talk to me, you say hello and I will be answer you. Haven't we already established the fact that I can't actually hear your thoughts?"
"And this means I will look like an absolutely lunatic when I talk to myself addressing a woman who doesn't exist." Arnav summarizes, wryly.
"That's pretty much how this is going to work." Khushi says fondly. The following pause makes Arnav pause as well. "But then again, I have never been in this position before, so this is as much a foreign territory for me as it is for you."
Arnav doesn't say anything for a few minutes. "I still don't believe this is real." He says softly. "It could be a tumor, early onset of dementia, some sort of auditory hallucination." He pauses before he finishes the thought that's running in his head. He is worried this could be hereditary.
"I would be surprised if you believed whatever I said in the very first go." Khushi reassures him. "You aren't a person who leaves much chance to fate so why would you believe this is anything but real?"
Arnav closes the door behind him and shuffles his phone and tablet in his hand. "I thought you couldn't read minds?" He asks, teasing.
Khushi laughs. "Its all over your face poo bear." Arnav groans in response at the silly endearment from an entity that's as old as the universe itself. He is sure that one day he would ask all the questions that scientists all over the world would die to know answers about. Having to talk to person who has witnessed history first hand would be something of an adventure on its own.
"Here we go." Arnav says, moving towards dining room where the family has gathered for morning meal. "And don't call me that. I am a middle-aged man, not a child."
"Of course, you are," Khushi replies in an exceptionally annoying baby voice.
"How do you feel Arnav?" Anjali asks the moment he steps into the dining room. "Did you sleep well? Is everything okay?"
"Okay. Yes. Yes." Arnav replies and settles himself between his grandmother and Shyam. Shyam hands him a cup of green tea with a wink.
"She has been this way since last night. You slept well but I didn't", Shyam laments. "I will meet you for lunch today?" He asks.
"How about dinner instead? Its going to be a long day since I took off yesterday." Arnav trades. Shyam gives him thumbs-up sign in confirmation.
"Wait, why are you two making plans the day after Arnav falls down? Chotey, I would suggest you take the rest of the week off and stay in bed. If there is something super urgent, you can always work from home." Anjali chides.
Arnav looks at his sister who sports puffy red eyes and worry etched on her face. He sighs.
"Anjali, it wasn't that bad of a fall. I got all sorts of testing and scanning done. There is nothing to worry about. I am going for a follow-up in few weeks time, okay? I feel perfectly fine and the spot where I hit my head doesn't even hurt anymore." He says as gently as possible and smiles brightly at his sister. "Relax."
Anjali's eyes water. Arnav sighs at his sister's overtly emotional display of affection that's borderline suffocating. "I have to go. I will see you tonight, Arnav says pushing half empty tea mug away from him."
"At least eat something," Anjali says, recovering quickly.
"I will eat something later, not hungry right now." Arnav replies and leaves the women alone.
"Khushi," he says when he is at the door.
He stumbles back when two different voices reply. "Yes?" "Yes Sir?"
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