from the book "101 ways to become the perfect Bahu" by Aastha Kirloskar.
Barkha/ Sapna refers to the same person. The author had written a few parts of
this book during a period of amnesia.
Help the aged
by taking them to a show, even though a random six-foot giant accuses you of being
a fraud/ cheat. Brownie points for allowing him to break your bangles and
insult your character!
Allow the rich
six-footer to bump into you, no matter where you go. After all, he is going to
fall in love with you (or, so you may choose to believe), in spite of your
excessively talkative and clumsy nature! All rich hunks dig that s%#t.
Be nice to the
giant, only because he keeps looking at you as if you are the juiciest piece of
steak, trying to undress you with his eyes.
Allow the man
to come close to you, and make him comfortable enough to let his hands roam
over your back, waist, hips and every other curve. Remember, be nice to him
because he says that he loves you so, so much, and has proved the same by falling
off the cliff.
Marry the same
man you once hated with all your gut, because the basic rule is this: Once an
enemy, forever a husband.
Accept his surprise
of "I married you to seek revenge" on the wedding night in a very sporting way.
Remember, he was always different. Generally, husbands may make their wives
groan in a different way on the wedding night. He made you scream out from the
bottom of your lungs, without even touching you!
Listen to just
everything he says, and obey his commands. No complaints, no regrets.
Do not dig
into his personal details about his missing ex-girlfriend, especially not if
she's hiding in some dusty diary.
All of his
tortures and insults must be taken in the right spirit, without saying a word. If
he asks you to take his dirty socks off, do it. If he grabs you by your
shoulder and keeps shaking you like a bottle of champagne, comply to his wishes
without popping open. Or else, Alok Nath will flip if you do not follow his
Go on a trip
for a few days, preferably to the jungle. Do certain physical activities like
running while being chased by a rabid dog, jumping into a pit, jumping into a
pond, jumping on a poisonous thorn etc. Basically, invite trouble which will
end up in eye-locks and drenched clothes, in the most literal sense.
bored of hating you, and he begins to show a shade of love, do not think twice.
Simply erase the past, even if you had to go through hell. Start afresh with
him, because he had the most romantic idea of proclaiming his love for you in
the middle of a busy street!
low waist sarees because he loves touching your waist. Don't present yourself
as desperate; so you say, "Chodiye na, kya kar rahe hain" every time he pulls
you in for a coochie-coo moment.
Do not hesitate
even if he plans on you having your first time on the terrace. You may shiver
due to the cold, there may be mosquitoes, it may rain, the neighbours may watch
from their terrace, someone from the house may come upstairs for a walk to
relieve themselves from night-gas... But you shall not disagree with his
open-air fetish. You shall get decked up, even if he plans on breaking your ornaments
apart and ripping your most beautiful saree.
Be game for
romance, AT ALL TIMES. Audience craves for the romance and the touchy-kissy
stuff, all the time, just like a hungry beaten puppy.
remember. His father is his Lord. This is the very truth of his life. Don't
worry though; a time shall come when he will forget he has a father. But until
then, you shall worship no other father, but his!
Go out of your
way to help his family, even if you are yelled at and insulted at the end of the
day. Do not back out even if someone ties you up and almost sets you on fire.
FORGIVE! This is
the sole truth of your existence. Your husband married you by cheating you?
Forgive. Your sister-in-law and her mother plotted evil plans and always got
you trapped? Forgive. Your father-in-law harassed you and almost got you
killed? Forgive. You had to roam the streets and sleep on the footpath because
your brother-in-law was dumb enough to believe a stranger over his family and
sell all the family business and the house? Forgive.
Get out into the
real world to earn some money and put up a food truck. Remember, no one says no
to food! Don't forget to ward off all evil eyes over your handsome giant.
Be ready to
change your identity if your brother-in-law goes bonkers and sells all the property
to a mysterious robot who has a secret mission to destroy your sasural.
the robot and distract him with your backless cholis, while your truly-reformed-six-footer
searches for some papers for a span of few months.
Bond with the
robot's kids, and induce feelings in the robot, while six-footer still searches
Get hit by a truck
because your mother-in-law wants to die. Make sure you don't hurt your face,
because scratches are not attractive, and copyright of plastic/ cosmetic/ open-heart/
brain/ dental surgery is owned only by a certain "K"ompany. Memory loss is open-source,
so feel free to use it.
words of a robotic-man who claims to be your husband, even if you don't
remember any damn thing. If he is above six-foot in height, say yes to be his
wife, and the mother of his two over-grown kids.
original giant (whom you don't remember) comes and hugs you in public, slap
him. Repeatedly tell him that you hate him, because that is going to discourage
Keep up this
same charade until you remember your past. Once you get your memory back, yell/
slap/ kick/ kill the robot and get back to your original husband.
remember, new hurdles will always come your way. The key is to be extremely
happy, flutter and dance around, and solve problems. Don't worry, Bappa is the guarantee.
Also, you need to fluctuate too; be dumb at times, and extremely smart at
times. That way, you can confuse the opposition and the audience, as to what
exactly to expect from you.
Most of all,
repeat every morning: "My Husband is my whole and sole, even if his brain has a
hole" This will definitely have a positive impact on you.
No bashing. No hateful comments...