Sorry updating my morning notes on the side. Yes Harika, yesterday we got a beautiful insight into Nandini's plight from irritable heart to shell shock. Outside the police station, she just stood, her eyes showing such raw veiled fear, that now nothing stands in between her and her demons now. Justice been done, now she cannot deny her fears, her vulnerabilities, her knowledge of bleeding internally everywhere but still masking it up with her sense of standing up for the right. The pandit cannot hurt her anymore but what of all of that which he has already done to her and which cannot be undone. She stands there, rejecting suggestions of everyone who thinks that she should rest. All people who love her but what of her heart and mind, both are screaming out at her that she was wrong. She always saw herself as protector, people's saviour but she couldn't save herself. The pandit pulling her, suffocating her and stuffing her in his car from mud fort, tying her up, gagging her mouth, packing her up inside the cello case like a lifeless item - the memory of each second of those torturous hours haunts her but she is unable to find consolation, relieve, reprieve from these knawing thoughts anywhere because the guilt is ripping her apart. The guilt of not having seen it coming. She is dying inside, panic and guilt consuming her insides. We usually find solace from any traumatic events in the thought of notion that circumstances led to the event but such is her plight, this particular solace evades her. The world spins around her while she remains frozen in time, thinking in any way she could have avoided what happened to her.
Not being able to word it out for the whole night while being helpless in blocking the guilt out, fighting for justice << made her like a ghost and that's what Manik saw. A ghost, empty unresponsive eyes, the same eyes which never failed to converse with his, of shared delight and fears. These same eyes stared back at him but through him, unseeing and denying him a peek in their depths, lowering as soon as he tried to read int them.
She feels lost, walled off from her whole world or rather the world she believed in, the goodness and values she put her faith in and identified herself with. That world is lost to her now and she wants to mourn this loss in seclusion, isolation, avoiding all those things and people which remind her of her rock steady existence of old, those that connect her to the world she inhabited before pandit decided to destroy her equilibrium, turn her universe upside down by his violent invasion.
She will come back, because Manik is with her and she has to. She needs to air out her thoughts, her fears and her memories of those hours, say them out loud because they can be laid to rest only if she opens up which she will, with time. She will learn to love herself again, only after she finds and regains her footing back.
Niti enacted every emotion, every aspect of trauma so beautifully. The shaky voice, empty eyes lowered as soon as they feared someone might read into their depths, the startled flinching, standing isolated, thick eyed musing and melancholy in her form. Words cannot do justice, Niti makes Nandini's pain so palpable, so tender, in awe of this pixie of a girl and her boundless talent, love her!!