Suddenly, she didn't seem as beautiful as before.
Sharon held my hands, her pale face pleading and her red eyes filled with tears. She looked terrible but it seemed as if she didn't care. To see her in this state made me sorrowful, as if I didn't have enough of sorrow in the first place. She pleaded me to give her another chance; a chance to make things alright. She panicked, she trembled, she shouted, she ordered, she did everything to make me accept her request, her 'love'. But I wasn't to budge. I told her I wasn't blaming her, but my whole body including my heart refused bluntly to undergo such a humliation and torture again.
She didn't give up.
I was appalled to see Sharon like this. What had my love done to her? Yesterday, she couldn't accept my love, accept hers and today she was ready to broadcast our relation to the whole world? But it was too late. I told her that; I told her she had lost her chance but only if she would listen. Being Sharon Rai Prakash, she decided she would tell everyone and that made me mad. Didn't I have a say in this? Afterall, it was me who was being jeered at in the college. There was no way I could allow Sharon to disclose our past relation and my heart and mind were into this decision together. I had been made fun of enough, I didn't need another place in the news.
I had lost my trust on Sharon. She wasn't strong enough to handle my love. And her love, it never existed. I knew Sharon wasn't simple. She was a complex web of emotions and she herself didn't know how to wade through it. The reason I never lost my will in the past was because I had a hope, a hope that she would overcome her complications and accept her inner self, her feelings, whether they were regarding me or not didn't matter. And I thought she had done it, when she confessed in front of my father that she loved me. I thought she had done it, when we confessed our love to each other in this very classroom. And I thought she had done it, when she became my secret admirer.
But I had been wrong.
Sharon was still struck in that web, and she was pulling me in along with her. I couldn't fight it anymore, I admitted that I was a coward. I loved her, always have and will but perhaps, a relation was not meant for us. Perhaps, it was better for Sharon to stay away from me, from her complications. I was the wrong of her life and she gave me one more instance to make my belief stronger.
I felt broken.
**
I was in trauma.
My roller-coaster life was getting derailed and as much I tried to stop it, I found myself unable to do so. And the look on Swayam's face did nothing to improve my condition. His eyes were cold and steely and he postitively glared at me, a betrayed expression evident in his eyes. I felt horrible, more than Swayam gave me credit for. My whole life had turned 180 degrees in a day and I stood still watching the events unfold in front of my eyes.
I hated myself for it.
Swayam's hands felt strangely cold underneath mine. He was rigid now, and so was his resolve to stay away from me. And I couldn't accept it. For all my life, i always got what I wanted and even now I expected to get what I desired. Swayam had to love me back. He had to forgive me and I was ready to do whatever it took to make things alright, patch up. But Swayam, he didn't seem to even care about patching up. I didn't understand what made him so admant on breaking up with me. Agreed, I had committed a mistake, probably the biggest one of my life but I had apologised to Swayam and I would continue to do so. Swayam can't give up on us just like that. He can't ask us to move on.
Him saying it made me very angry.
Swayam Shekawat of all people can't talk about moving on, not after he made me fall in love with him. And not without giving me a chance to repent. My brain was messed up. My blood boiled all of a sudden. I felt anger, anger towards the stony face in front of my eyes, anger for the unacceptable words it spoke. I pushed Swayam, forcing my palms on his chest, demanding an answer from him. Move on, would he? With someone else who's not me? But the world crashed around me when he clasped my hands and snapped that he would do it. He would do it if he found a girl who loved him. Swayam would move on, with someone who's not me.
Life seemed to be a farcical thing that very instant.
Swayam stormed out of the room and I stumbled down on the stairs of the classroom, the sweet memories of this very place haunting my brain. He had promised me he would be the best boyfriend ever and now, in this classroom itself he said that he would move on from me. I felt anger, I felt pain, I felt many emtions which I had thought I wouldn't. In other words I felt pretty much screwed.
But I was Sharon Rai Prakash.
What I had done yesterday was unforgivable. I had loved Swayam, then what on earth had stopped me from accepting our love; relation? Was it reputation, I thought I had come above all that when I had accepted that I loved Swayam. I had thought it didn't matter anymore, but Sharon had been wrong. And in her wrong she had broken Swayam Shekawat.
I had broken him but I felt more broken.
I was not going to give up. I did a mistake and I'll rectify it. I had to rectify it. And Swayam, beneath all his hurt, he still loved me and I knew whatever he said, he was incapable of moving on. After knowing him for years, I strongly believed on that fact. The grief inside me was strong, it tore my heart.
But the urge to get Swayam back was stronger. And get him back, I will.
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