The infamous song comes to mind when I look at poor Suhani stood at the threshold of Birla House making her move to leave.
Imagine an epilogue, in Suhani's voice - the following lyrics:
Bezubaan kab se main raha
Begunaah sehta main rahaa .
Dadi's words ring like shrill alarm in her head -
"Chalo aacha hai, this girl is leaving of her own accord. We can all breathe a sigh of relief".
Khwabon ka tere qissa hoon
Tera hi toh main hissa hoon
Mujhko na kar yoon juda
She looks to Yuvraj whose expression remains blank yet his eyes show he's upset. She turns away, not defeated by Dadi, never defeated by Dadi, but whom should she stay for? What's the benefit of her holding back now that Soumya is back in her rightful place at Krishna's house?
What connection does she have with this house? The mission of the past few weeks now over, there are no expectations, no teamwork with her newly formed gang, no acceptance, no family, no need.
A pack of strangers, who don't accept her for who she is. Her identity that allows her to stay in the house makes her feel like a fraud.
But they've never had that relationship. Husband and wife.
Unrequited love... she recalls those moments before they were married, Yuvraj coming to her house to visit, offering her lifts home, helping her with her project, being kind to her, gentlemanly. She would never had imagined a future with Yuvraj...Soumya persuading her to allow those feelings to overwhelm her, urging her to pursue it further. How could she think otherwise, Soumya would tell her, of course he liked her...
Why else would he behave in the way he did?
After all these months as a married couple and look at the cross roads where she found herself. Forget liking her, she'd found out it was all a lie - the gestures, the feelings, this marriage.
None of it was true.
He didn't love her back.
She couldn't stay here after all this. It wasn't fair... on him.
She lifts her foot, ready to leave this chapter behind her. Ready to close the doors on her past, a weird and wonderful past that had allowed her to piece together diary entry on diary entry of experiences, a new family, a new home, where she'd been a temporary guest.
No one needed her now.
She feels a pull on her wrist, holding her in place.
His voice resounds in her ears as she fails to believe it could be true,
She turns to face those pained eyes again, her own vision blurry, a wish to cry harder than ever before because he'd held her back. Although it was supposed to have brought a happiness to her face... she knew it wasn't enough.
Meri jagah teri nigaahon mein
Ho na ho, main chala hun raahon pe
Jo ladkhada gaya kahin
Toh aaoge tum hi toh
Thaamoge tum hi
It wasn't enough. Not anymore.
She'd managed to handle it. Those taunts, the insults, the discrimination, the harassment, the jibes...it was fine. It had been okay, she understood Dadi was the elder of the house so it was difficult for Yuvraj to face up to her. Maa had tried on numerous occasions to no avail but she didn't want anyone else's relationship with Dadi turning sour because of her. It wasn't fair...it didn't matter as long as there was acceptance. An understanding. Support, albeit silent. As long as there was her and Yuvraj...she could face anything.
But the news of Yuvraj's infatuation with Soumya had troubled her. It wasn't really the fact that there were feelings for Soumya, it was more the fact that Yuvraj had never felt anything for Suhani in his heart. Ever.
Nothing at all -
Phir berukhi.. kyun hai mujhse
Kyu aise bhala ho mujhse khafa...?
"Kyun Yuvraj...kya tum humse pyar karte ho?"
She watches the pain in his eyes turn to turmoil as he struggles to justify what he's thinking. Unable to fathom what he should say to make it better, to get her to stay. His silence throwing knives of a thousand unspoken words towards her heart as each one rips through her skin, hitting bullseye.
And that's why his touch didn't make her experience those butterflies in her stomach, make her heart race like it usually did.
And that was okay, because it was enough.
Unlike before...it was the truth, it was honest.
The silence actually made sense. Now it all made sense.
Why he never reciprocated her feelings, why he never looked happy when she used to innocently, inadvertently confess how she felt, why he never said I love you back...
At least now she knew better, she knew that she was doing the right thing.
This was it. The end...
He releases her wrist as her lifeless arm swings back to her side.
Assured the time to say anything has passed, the emptiness and loss engulfing her as she swallows back tears, she turns once again.
This time, she knows, she promises herself...she won't need to look back.
Edited by nm21 - 07 May 2015 at 2:44pm