"For You..."

Day 52! - "For You..."

No longer does he belong to himself Nandini...no longer does he even reside in himself anymore. His words may carry his voice...but his words don't even speak for him anymore. His thoughts may be stored in his mind...but the mind doesn't even listen to him anymore. When his lips open to speak a syllable, their intentions are that they will be heard by you. When his eyes open in the morning daylight, their motivation is that they will fall upon your sight. When his mind weaves a new thoughtful intention, it hopes that it will only benefit you. His every murmured word, his every futuristic thought, his every life-filled breath; they all are...for you...

No longer can he even look himself in the mirror Nandini...no longer does he even want to forgive himself anymore. The "sorry..." was a genuine whisper...but for him it's never going to be good enough. His healing caresses held all the love that his heart has stored for you...but he's weeping he knows he was too late. His guilt-drowned eyes want to promise you his apologies...but he doesn't know how to look you in the eyes. He's known to be the protector, the fighter...but he knows his strength isn't enough to heal your wounds. Yet he wants to stay the night, fight with himself, face his failures...for you...

( Just love this bit !)

This guilt...this pain...this heartache...it will only heal once your wounds heal Nandini because his every emotion felt...is for you. The tears rolled down his eyes and new wounds bled in his heart today...but yet he will rise again tomorrow to fight with this world...only...for you. This occurrence he accounts himself responsible for, was never his fault...the guilt he's smothering himself in, he doesn't deserve it...but because he was the one to have promised you his protection...he will take upon every blame on himself...just...for you.

He kicks, he punches. He remorsefully throws his head back and ruefully hunches. For the world the demon deserves to be punished, but in his eyes, he's the true culprit himself. So after he punished that devil, he will walk to you and bow down in defeat, awaiting his own punishment because he can never forgive himself for your heart's numbness, your eyes' blankness, your soul's unresponsiveness. He will quietly, wordlessly, inarguably accept all verdicts of punishment for failing to fulfil his promise...just for you...

"Woh chehra...joh hamesha smile karta tha...joh...joh mujhe smile karaata tha...aaj woh hi chehra...aaj usi chehre se smile gaayb hai aur woh bhi...meri waje se." He doesn't only smile because of you Nandini...he only smiles for you. He doesn't only weep with you Nandini...he only sobs for you. Every time his eyes witness the physical, emotional and psychological trauma of your state...he can't control his disgust-filled anger for himself. His heart knows no other emotions other than the pain he feels upon glancing at your wounds, the bliss he feels when you smile and the relief he feels when you breathe. His heart beats...only for you. His eyes water...only for you. He lives on...only for you..

These six words, so so apt. He lives, he lives only for Nandini. My heart just sighed reading these words.

Even his friends know that it's not about him anymore...it's about you. His piece of mind has vanished today...because his mind is frantically worrying...for you. With every ticking minute, he seems to be losing control of his own senses because today they are all drowning in guilt...for you. On this wide, awake night, his heart seems to be sinking into a deep coma because his heartbeat is shrieking in anguish...for you.

But when the time comes, he will hide his tears...for you. When the time comes, he will recollect himself and hold you tight in his arms too...so he can fight every battle...for you. When the time comes, he will balm your pain first, soothe your aches first, heal your wounds first because all his time, all his care, all his love, all his affection, it's all...just for you...

Your presence is what completes his day. In your absence, his eyes restlessly wander every corner of the room, just to search...for you. His mind seems to be a circus of thoughts when you're nowhere to be found around him. In your absence...his thoughts only wander of endless how's. How to make you feel better? How to heal your aching wounds? How to bring a smile on your face again? How to shine for you so no longer you fear the dark night? How to delete the haunting memories that have made a home for themselves in a deep corner of your heart? How to wipe those tears which you are holding back in your eyes? How to teach you to breathe again like you had once taught him? How to teach you to live the life again that you had dreamt of living in his arms? How to dream only dreams again and not any kind of nightmares? His how's have no limits Nandini...especially when they are all just...for you...

Your family have no words to thank him today..."Thankyou very much Manik"; seems too less of words to appreciate what he has done tonight. But this is the first time when if he could, he would say that he didn't do anything for them or for you. He did it all...for himself. He reassures your chachi "Abse...abse I'll be there...Always." A promise necessary to be voiced...for them, for you, but most of all...for himself.

Nandini...he's someone who would run up any day, every day, just to bring a glass of "haldi waala doodh"...for you. But he's also the one who can travel to any corner of this world, who can go to any extent of this universe only and only...for you...

Nandini...he's someone who can hide his dislike for that haldi waala doodh so effortlessly just to convince you to drink every drop of that milk because it is beneficial...for you. But he's also the one who will time after time curtain his pain, his own frown, his own sorrows because his smile will prove to be more soothing..for you...

Nandini...he's someone who can gulp another nauseating sip of that haldi waala doodh, just so maybe...just maybe he can lighten up the air...for you. "One more time...for you." But he's also the one, who promises to drink his bitter tears away and smile at every step of life, in the hope that just like you're the reason for his smile...he can become that reason too...for you...

His love is for you Nandini...His promises are for you. His heart beats only for you Nandini and his life breathes only for you.

Manik is just a name...his life's true meaning is you. (This is so apt. love the way you get Manik.)

We've seen him live for you...soon it will be revealed that he can kill for you...but if life ever asked him to pay a price for hurting you, never will he hesitate to prove that he can even die...for you...

Okies. Here I am. Really late with this one and I am not even sure what I am going to write to be honest. I feel like you have said everything about today's episode beautifully. Loved how you explored the idea of how everything and anything he does is for Nandini. I loved today's response, made me a little emotionally to be honest. To read how you have explained Manik's extent of love for Nandini. Sighs. I don't know if I should try adding anything cause I don't really know what to say. There are episodes thoughts flow and I write and write. And there are episodes and your responses like today that leave me with emotions and no words to express them. I am going to try for a short response thou.

Manik. A man who loves from the heart. A man who is selfless in the way he loves. He has always been the one to take care of his loved ones. The alpha lion,  he has always been the protector. That's the way he shows his love. A man who grew up with no love and care only knows how to love and protect. He thinks he has failed. Failed as a protector, failed as a lover, failed as Nandini's Manik. Every time, Manik goes on his knees in front of Nandini since the kidnapping, I feel as if he is begging her for forgiveness. Sighs, our babies are in so much pain right now. Her hurts, the marks of the trauma are aching his heart so. He keeps skimming his thumb over her skin wanting to take the marks away, the pain away. Manik and Nandini's eyes speak to each other, they always have. And if today Nandini had locked eyes with her Manik, she would be able to see his pain, his guilt. His soft whisper: "Sorry", So much pain in that one word. He kept saying sorry knowing no matter how many times he would say it, he would never be able to forgive himself. Because he knows, he failed ! If she had chosen to look into his sorrowful eyes, she would have seen that he is literally drowning in own guilt. There will be a time Nandini will reassure him that it isn't his fault but for now she is unable to see past her own pain. he thinks he has failed. Failed as a protector, failed as a lover, failed as Nandini's Manik.

And yesterday, I said the moment he is alone, he will drown in his guilt. In front of Nandini, for her sake, her needs have to be put first. But the moment he is alone, the moment he lets the memories rerun. The moment he lets the night reply in his mind, he will distraught with guilt. I have to say Manik and Cabir's hug just broke my heart. I am so glad there is someone to hold Manik when he falls apart. Sighs, the way Manik was clinging to Cabir, his body shaking with sobs. It was heart breaking. And he held it together in front of Nandini, didn't allow himself to break down. But he needed to, he needed to cry it out.

See, I say if nothing else was achieved from this Pandit track, thou there was plenty that made Manan stronger. And definitely there was one thing that was clear: Manik can kill for Nandini. First he proves it with his actions and almost killing Pandit had he not been stopped. But today he says it, says the words. He can kill for her !

You said it perfectly: everything and anything he does is for Nandini, and Nandini only. And somehow he finds a reason for her to smile again. A very small smile, and his smile returns too. The man will drink poison if he needed to for his Nandini, this was just haddi milk. And he will fight, fight to bring her true, beautiful smile back.

Okies, this sucks, I know. But I wanted to make sure I do a response. You were freaking perfection as always with your words

Love you, always,

- Reya aka Your Sunny <3