You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies
..
Only know you love her when you let her go
The passenger sang , every word of his sinking into my soul as the realisation of reality hit me again . That must be the only song left in my playlist and the only song I have been listening since last year.
"Mr Rana , your next . " I heard the receptionist call , her voice bringing me back to reality. I took a long breath before standing up . This was it . My call .One hour to go. One hour of a curious stranger who wanted to know everything about my life . I tell you , these people who add dr to their names and are known as psychiatrist are just useless people who are too much interested in other people lives . This is would be the same "I understand your plight" ,"I am sorry." sessions . But the real problem was that they didn't actually understand . None of it . The pain , the suffering , none . And they weren't supposed to be sorry . I was the one to be sorry .
"Come in ." A soft but firm voice called out when I knocked the door .
The room wasn't anything new , the same white walls filled with charts , the same white sofa , the same coffee table in the middle and the big desk behind which was the curious stranger . Do all psychiatrist share the same interior designer ? I have been to a lot of these room and they all are the same . Pale and uninviting. The only difference was the person behind the desk . Who was a lady . Probably in her early thirties , young than I imagined . She wore a welcoming smile on her face and her eyes behind those glasses were fixed on me . I sat down on one of the couches and faced her with a forced smile of my own.
"So who am I speaking to ?" She asked . Her voice was somewhat very much welcoming .
"Raiwan" I almost whispered my name and she nodded signalling that she heard it .
"So Raiwan . I am Preetika Chawla . You are free to call me what you want to "
"Yes doctor" I replied going with doctor rather than her first or family name .
"So why are we here ? "
"You're a doctor so I suppose you are here to treat patients" I innocently answered .
"I was talking about you Raiwan . Why are you here ? " she asked again finding no humor in my comment.
"Oh right . I am here cause my father wanted me to attend one of your session. He found out that you're the best in town."
She looked at me , top to bottom ^yeah thanks for checking me out. "How old are you ? I mean you don't look that young as to follow your father's orders . I think you're old enough to make your own decision."
"I thought the same since I was fifteen . But I guess my father doesn't and I can't say no to him "
"Okay then . What's your issues ? "
Wow that was fast . I sighed before answering"I have lot of issues" Which was probably the answer she didn't want to hear because I saw her frowning .
"What's the current issue ? The reason why you are here today . There must be a reason ."
I took few breaths before replying in an emotionless tone,
"I committed a crime.I am a murderer"
She looked at me , amused at my answer . She shook her head .
"Okay, let's place it in other way . Why did you father sent you here ?" She asked again this time more slowly . Oh wow so she thought I was joking around . I really wish I was . Only not.
"I told you . I am a murderer. I am supposed to be in jail but here I am!" I spread my arms to point around the room .
She didn't answer me this time instead went through my file . Nice to know I had a file under my name . It probably consisted my history including the reviews from all the doctors and therapists I have been to. I have been to them since I was seven after my brother died then my mother and now..Way to go Raiwan .
"My father thinks I will go crazy. He wants me to take help before I go insane" I said after few minutes . She looked at me through her glasses and continued to go through my file .
"First of all not only mentally ill people come to us . " Dr Chawla replied looking at me sharply . "What do you suffer from ? Alcoholism ? Heart break ? Money problems ? Family issues ?"
"None." Actually all , except for the money problem . I never remember having that. Just to add if I really had money problems then I wouldn't be here in her clinic, she charges 100 dollars per hour.
She continued her search on my file . Bet she would find something worth the time .
"I see that you had an incident a year ago" I flinched at the mention of it and she noticed it immediately .
"So that's the problem." She closed the file .
"It's sad that it happened . I am sorry . I know how it feels ." Oh yeah there it goes again . Enough of it already .
"No you don't know it . None of you do . "
"I understand the pain of losing someone when you love them so much . "
"No you don't understand the pain . Because its not just losing someone . It's because I am the cause . I am the reason for her death . " I blurted out .
"Dear , your wife died in an accident , just because you were driving the car doesn't mean you need to take all the blame ."
"No you don't understand . You all don't because you all don't know the truth ! " I almost shouted while ducking my head in my hands.
"Then tell me the truth . "
I ran my hands between my hair and closed my eyes . The pain I was feeling was unbearable . I couldn't keep it inside any longer.
"I was drunk that night ,I was driving when I couldn't even think properly . "Those words flew out of my mouth before I knew but that wasn't something I cared about . I had told everyone about this before too . This wasn't really a secret .
"Did you know you were in no condition to drive ? " I just nodded at her question .
"Can you drive ? "Her voice was soft filled with pain .
The same question which has been in the back of my mind since that night . If only I had heard her plea . If only I had taken the decision not to drive . If only I had been more sensible .
"Then why did you drive even after knowing you couldn't ?" Dr Chawla's question brought me back to reality and I just stared at her for some moments .
"She was hurt . She was bleeding . I had to take her to the hospital before anything happened and I didn't have any other choice . She was in no condition to drive , the driver had left long ago which left with no options but me."
Dr Chawla sighed after some minutes of silence. "It's been a year already Raiwan ."
No not just a year .One year , two months , eight days , nine hours , ten minutes , sixty-six seconds until the moment I realised that my wife lived no more . She didn't breath anymore , she didn't walk , talk , laughed or got angry . And then there was her too . My unborn child . The one that never lived . Thanks to her father .
"Have you tried anything stupid after that ?"
"Stupider than killing my wife and child . I don't think so . "
"Have you tried committing suicide ?"
Everyday .
I didn't answer just stared out of the window .
"You have lots of prescription . Sleep pills , anti depression and what not . Can't you sleep at night ?"
"No . I have nightmares . "Nightmares where I lose her every night again and again . Her scream , her pleadings , the cries of my unborn child , my wife's face covered with blood though I never saw her like that.
"Do you remember her ? I mean in good memories not just nightmare."
"Yes . Every moment . Everything reminds me of her . "
"Do you remember her even while sitting here ? " ,I nodded .
"What makes you remember her ? "
"Everything . Like you , she once said she wanted to be a psychiatrist , those glasses , how she used to look through them sharply every time I annoyed the hell out of her . Everything reminds me of her."
"What else ?"
"In short even the air . She used to breath air, until I killed her."
"It's been a year already Raiwan . You should move on . I have lot of teenagers who come to me after they fail suicide . I always tell them that they have their life ahead . A beautiful one . I will tell you the same . You are old enough to know your responsibilities and young enough to achieve everything.You are still 26! You have a whole journey ahead . Dreams , opportunities , you can get all the happiness you deserve. At least think about your family . Don't they deserve their son , their brother ?"
"But do I deserve them ? How can I ? She was young too . She had a life ahead . She had dreams too . Well too many but still had every opportunity to fulfil them . She could have all the happiness too but I took it all away . She had a family too . I took away their daughter , their sister , aunt , niece . I deserve none because I took them away them from someone else . "
She didn't speak for sometime then said in a soft but remorseful tone ,
"My son was five when he died . An accident . He was the only one left with me after my husband divorced me. I blamed myself for his death though it was an accident . We tend to do that . When we lose someone we love , we try finding possibilities on how we could have saved them . But how sad we may be , we need to move on . That's life . Moving on . You should move on Raiwan. You always had . After your brother's death , after your mother's death. You had moved on and you need to. Move on Raiwan . Move on with your life." Dr Chawla softly said . Her eyes filled with care but not sympathy .
"I fought with her !" I said after some moments of silence . Dr Chawla looked at me with confused expression and I took long breaths before continuing .
"I fought with her when she was seven months pregnant with my child . I got angry when I didn't even had the right to . It was one night but still it seemed enough for me to figure out that I didn't love her anymore . I shouted at her . I claimed to have fallen out of love with her and told her I wanted a divorce . "
"And what did she say ?"
"She argued with me first but when I told her I wanted a divorce she asked me to admit it was just a mistake and assure things would be same. But it wouldn't . Cause I f***king thought I was not in love with her anymore . I asked her to leave me and that I didn't want anything to do with her . The only tie I wanted to keep was our child . Nothing more . I left the room saying that . I was downstairs when I heard her scream . I ran to find her in the bathroom . She slipped . Her head was bleeding and she cried in pain clutching her stomach . I was scared , I didn't know at the moment why only now I realise that it was the fear of losing her . So I drove her to the hospital. I knew I wasn't in the condition too yet I did it . Biggest mistake of my life . The main road had heavy traffic so I took the short cuts . All the while she screamed in pain . Between them she asked me ,"
I close my eyes as those scenes played in front of me . It does every night .
"Do you still love me Raiwan ?" Her voice was begging for the answer , the answer that I should have given , only that I didn't.
"I didn't answer her question instead told her to stop talking . I didn't know that she would never talk again . I crashed the car while trying to save a child who ran in front of the car and all heard before I fell unconscious was my name from her mouth . The last thing I heard from her . "
I felt my heart beat violently across my chest yet surprisingly my head felt light as though I had unloaded something heavy from it . I had never uttered the truth to anyone. Not even to my shadow . After I regained my consciousness the first thing I asked was about her . My sister said she died . On the spot , while I was the one that survived . Four surgeries and I freaking survived . Oh my luck .
I didn't want to live from that day on . Every moment was a curse . I tried everything I could , from overdosing of sleeping pills to rat poison . None worked , I survived every time . Every time I got a new life , I regretted it . Even the god didn't want me . He wanted me to live through this hell . I never really believed in anything as such as god but she did . Maybe there is God and maybe he called her near him . To save her from more pain . I gave myself all the pain I could . Anything that hurt me I did it . Every pain acing through my body reminded me of my sins but none of the pain was worth the pain of waking up all alone and cursing that you made through another day when she didn't .
Dr Chawla cleared her throat while passing me a glass of a water then she looked away from me and stared out of the window. I grabbed the glass tightly and blankly stared at it but I didn't see water . All I saw was fire . The fire that burned her body . The fire that not only burned my wife but with that it burnt away my reasons to live , laugh, smile , wake up every morning . The fire burned my everything only it didn't burn me . And all that I wished was to be burnt in that same fire , with her .
The clock clicked saying that the session was over . I got up from the couch and headed towards the door . Before I moved out , I heard the doctor say
"Hope to meet you next Thursday Raiwan . "
"Me too " I answered before adding in a whisper "if I survive till then.
..
"Do you still love me Raiwan ?"
The question repeated in my mind as I silently answered , yes I do . I had done in that moment and will do till the last moments of my life . It's the reason why I live today and the reason why I shall die tomorrow.Cause I love you baby. I really do . And I would do anything to come back to you and confess it .
I left the clinic while putting back my headphone on , the song continued from where it stopped .
Only know you've been high when you been feeling low
Only hit the road when you missing home
Only know you love her when you left her go
And you let her go ...
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