Tangles...Of the Heart!
OS
Tossing and turning and then squeezing only the next thing that came in his grasp, the poor cushion that now laid astray on the ground near him, while in the black of night and through whatever one could make out, a silhouette of a man desperate to part from the agonizing flashes of nightmare looked fiery, while his breaths her erratic and his palpitations high and only thing that made him look as human were his tears, that were following forgotten while his white kurta seemed to be drenched in sweat.
He ran his hand through his shaggy hair as once again one such flash came through him,
She stood there with her back towards him, and Abhimanyu holding her hand in possessive grasp while sitting on the bench near the common garden of the Akash-Ganga society. From a balcony of the fourth floor of the building, only his face could be seen, and he could see a smile plastered on his face, and a slight lost-in-love puppy look in his eyes, all of which Raman had come to hate in these past four days.
Things had been affecting him, things that he never thought would, why was all of it turning his beats faster due to anticipation of fear. But he knew that this fear was similar to what he felt six years ago when his first wife left him, or rather dumped him for a richer prospect, Ashok Khanna. He had at that time closed all the doors of his heart from the outside world and people. Nothing and absolutely no one affected him nor he let anyone affect him in a way that once he let.
He had turned cold to the world and even to his world, that was Ruhi until she turned up. When she entered his lonely and broken life he was nothing but a piece of rock that had no soft spot anywhere. But then she burned him, and melted him and until the time when he took the form so as to fit with hers. And now when he couldn't let go of this heat like a drug, she was or it felt that Mani would make her let go of him.
He knew the reason behind this, and if she takes this step he just can't blame her for it. Because he knew that he was the cause for it. He never gave her a proper base of what he feels for her, or even to himself for that matter, nor he could ever show her, her place in his life. All he did all this while was to taunt her, disregard her, show her down infront of Adi, and make her believe that she was not beautiful enough to tempt him in any way.
How could he ever tell her or make believe what she was for him, she came in his life when he was on the verge of drowning, she was like the last breath of air that gives the desire back to live. But he knew that he would never be able to say that, nor would she believe him, not after his so many fake confessions and expressions. He was himself the one to blame, that now she believes his all those facades to be true him and was far away from the real him. After all this was all he always wanted, and now he can't blame anyone.
He slowly stood up from the bed, discarding the warmth of the soft bed, that seemed to loose its charm and walked tip-toed towards the couch where she laid deep in sleep, and then giving the last glance at her peaceful form he left the room, closing the door behind without making any noise. He came to the balcony and stood there and looked up at the sky where moon was shinning amidst the mist that was spread around it like a veil.
He sighed and rubbed his palms against each other for some warmth, it was indeed a cold night. The sweat from his forehead was also gone and now the his kurta that was still slightly wet from it was making him cold, but he adamantly stood there ignoring the shiver that was climbing up and down his body. He knew he won't he able to sleep now, he felt himself helpless and broken.
It was like he was again standing on the same place where Shagun had once left him, he felt a fear crept in. He can pretend to be unaffected by Abhimanyu's presence and his importance in his wife's life in-front of her and everyone else, but he surely couldn't lie to himself about the insecurity that he felt because of him being near his wife.
He was indulged in all these thoughts when he felt a hand on his shoulder, shuddering he turned towards the person behind him and was surprised finding the lady of his thoughts, standing there with lines of inquisition marring her forehead. Her eyes held sleepiness and tiredness, after all she had toiled all day even when she was on strict fast.
"Ishita?" his voice carried surprise and annoyance, "you are still awake?"
"Why are you angry Raman? Is everything alright? By the way I was sleeping but sensed you were not there so thought... What are you doing here? Its almost dawn..." and then feeling slight wetness on her hand which was on his shoulder she exclaimed in surprise, "You are sweating!"
"Yeah... I am alright... It was too warm in there... I needed some fresh air." He said anything that came to him, not knowing how to escape her inquisition.
"Okay..." she sighed and took a step back and said, "Come on now Raman, you should rest... we have to wake early for the aarti."
But when he didn't move an inch she turned towards him and stood in confusion and then he spoke, "Ishita, I want to ask you something..."
She nodded and said in confusion, not knowing what he was upto, "Yes Raman...?"
"Are you happy in this relationship? I mean... with me?" he spoke, his voice was bereft of any emotion, and had a calmness about him that scared her.
"Raman...O...f...co..ur...se I am Happy... what are you about? Raman... what is it... you are scaring me..." Ishita said, her voice laced with unknown fear.
"Why are you scared? I am just asking if you are happy with being in relationship with me... I just don't know if I have the right to even ask you this, I mean when we are not even proper husband and wife..." this time his voice was laced with grim truthfulness and an unknown hurt.
"Raman... Please don't say anything like this... We have come so far now... Why are you even thinking like this... Did I commit some mistake that has led you to belief all this?" she was almost on the verge of crying, her eyes were filled with unshed tears and her lips were trembling in fear.
"Ishita... Its not about you... Its about the relationship we share and... you are right, we have come so far in this relationship that now it makes me guilty, everything that I had done in past to you, to Amma and Appa and Mihika... It all fills me with immense guilt and so much that now I feel suffocated. I just want to end this... this misery." He stopped and looked at her and took a deep breath and continued in a shaking voice, "You can walk out of this relationship... anytime even right now..." but she tried to interrupt while a single tear rolled down her eye, but he didn't let her and continued "... you don't have to worry, I won't be taking Ruhi away from you... you can spend as much time with her as you want, and she will forever be calling you Maa, I promise I won't let anyone come between you and her..." but then when he saw her shedding more tears like she was broken, he said like making her understand, "Ishita... you can move on... you have a life ahead of you... you can... you can get anyone..." his voice trembled but still he continued, "I am a divorcee and a f**ked-up man, I am not good for you... you are wasting your life and lifetime opportunities with a person you don't even like... Why are you wasting it?"
But this time she cut him in the middle and said, "Are you asking me to leave you? Why? What have I done Raman? I follow you everywhere, I trust you with you Ex- I even never demand you for anything, and I am even learning to cook, so where I went wrong? Why from start you want me to leave, Maine aapse koi badi mohabbat nahi mangi, naa hi koi bada gesture maanga... then why are you so adamant for me to leave you. I even respect ke aap aaj bhi Shagun se pyaar karte hain... phir bhi maine kuch nahi kaha..." She said without giving him a chance to speak, her voice was filled with pain, fear, fury.
Raman tried to cut in-between, "Ishita... you are getting it all wrong..." but she didn't let him continue, and continued,
"Nahi Raman, mai dekh rahi hoon bohot dino se, you are angry with me, you pick up fights on smallest things and elaborate it, aap bahana doondh rahe the mujhe chodne ka... you wanted to leave me... toh keh dete mai chali jati... why you have to show that you are doing this for me...haan? Kya dikhana chahte hain aap... ke aap kitne mahan hain?" she wiped her tears aggressively and said, "Theek hai... you want me to be happy and contended... right... So get this in your mind, I am NOT LEAVING MY FAMILY ie. MY HUSBAND and DAUGHTER for anybody. Get that Mr Raman Kumar Bhalla." And with that turned on heels and walked into their bedroom.
Though her words filled him with happiness but still he felt that she was doing this because she was selfless and now he didn't wanted her to sacrifice because of him. He slowly entered his room only to be surprised as he saw her standing near the window but the moment he walked in towards the bed and hardly he had sat on it he saw her walking towards the couch, her heavy steps that showed how angry she was and then looking at him angrily, she picked up her cushion and blanket and came to bed and threw it on the empty side of bed and slumped down and quietly laid beside him turning her back towards him.
He smiled amused and laid down next to her but at a safe distance. After a while though sleep didn't feel near and he again tossed and this time facing towards her, and then he heard her sniffing and he knew that she was crying.
"Ishita! Ishita... you are crying... I am sorry to have hurt you... mera sach mein woh matlab nahi tha... Ishita please yaar..."he turned her forcefully towards him and said, "Ishita... nothing was because of you... all I said at that time... it's because of my bad experience in my life... Seeing you Ishita... with Mani... I have never seen you like that... that happy... when you tell me about Subbu there is sadness, but when you talk to Mani and even about him you have a sparkle in your eyes... I thought... I thought... Ishita... I just didn't want you to sacrifice for me or for Ruhi. She is your daughter and will always be... but I want you to think about yourself this time. I know you are selfless... but this time think about it. He is the guy you always wanted, didn't you said that, that day? He makes you happy all the time unlike me, he is tall, he is intelligent and humble and he is a self-made man and your best friend... and he likes you... he said that, that day... Why are you wasting your life in this doomed relationship." He said but one could read sadness in his voice, his voice was heavy due to the emotions that he was feeling.
"Raman... Mani is my friend, only friend and I don't feel anything for him. Even if he liked me at some point of time or even if he still likes me, even in that case I can't make myself to think about him in any way that you are suggesting... And Raman, once in love always in love, I can never love anyone else like the way I feel for my true love." Then she sighed and continued, "Why do you think that I am not happy with you in this relationship?"
He just stared at her but said nothing as if surprised and she continued, "I am more happy in this relation that I ever was in past. Raman I know that you Love Shagun and you just can't move on but I have!"
He looked up at her surprised, "You have?!"
"Yes Raman I have. I have moved on since Ruhi entered my life... my life has changed and I love being in this life, with Ruhi... and you..." she said with desperation.
"But..." he couldn't start when she cut him and said,
"Why are you so worried about how I feel? Why is it being about me? Why are you deciding upon me?" She asked.
"Ishita... I just don't want you to sacrifice anymore... especially because of me..." he said and looked away, his eyes cradled the sadness, like a window into his soul was opened before her and she said immediately, fully understanding his agony and his bleeding heart,
"Raman, I can sacrifice anything for you... because I have come to Love you..."
And that said, he looked at her astound at her confession while she laid with a serene smile upon her lips. Her eyes showing the love she carried in her heart for him... and then surprising him she asked, "Do you...still love... Shagun?" she asked, almost fearing the answer.
He looked at her with visible irritation and said, "Haven't I told you once that I don't have to do anything with that woman? ...and that said, answering your first question I DON'T love her. Why do you always bring her between us?"
"I was just asking..." she said trying to prove her point. And laid on her back facing the ceiling.
While he couldn't digest the fact that she loves him. This was a mighty fine surprise and then he turned towards her and said, "See... I told you... that you would tell me one day yourself.." and then smirked as she confusingly turned towards him.
"hmm?" she uttered.
"That day, while standing in the balcony you were saying that you have started to like me... what did you thought I didn't heard that, that day?"
"Then why were you being fussy all this while, why you were jealous over Mani?" she asked accusing.
"Excuse me! I was not jealous... I just... I wanted you to not say in future... that because of "you" I sacrificed "my" Mani..." he said while faking arrogance.
"Oh! Really... then... if that's the case..." she got up in annoyance, and she looked at him in anger, if looks could kill he would have been dead meat by then, and stomping her foot turned to leave.
While he got up in sitting position in surprise and said,"Oye... Jhansi ki Rani, Itni raat ko talwar utha kar kaun se maidan-e-jung mein jaa rahi ho?"
And then she turned towards him with a fake smile and said, "Amma ke ghar... aaj Mani yehi ruka hai... toh soch rahi hoon ke uske saath time spend kar leti hoon... vaise bhi aapko kahan farak padta hai..." and turned on her back and was about to move out when he pushed the door close and stood between door and her.
And he looked down in her eyes and said, with utmost sincerity, "Don't go..."
"Kyun?" She asked in annoyance not looking at him.
"Because I want to spend time with you..." he said with a soft smile.
"Kyun? Aapko toh farak nahi padta ke mai Mani se milu ya kisi aur se?" she said looking at him expectantly.
"Farak padta hai... aur padna hi chahiye..." he said while moving towards bed while taking her along with him, as she was moving backwards with him moving from her front, until her legs collided with the bed and she fell on it while he stood there watching her intently and then smiled and bent down towards her, joining her, he laid next to her, while his one hand encircled her waist while other supported him on elbow and his face hovered over hers and then he slowly sealed her surprised lips in a soft kiss and then he uttered words that she was desperately waiting for, "...because I love you... I love you so much... because I am scared of intensity of my feelings for you..." and then again sealed her lips in a deep, soul searing kiss, tasting the secrets of her mouth, going through every contours and she felt herself in the ocean of ecstasy.
May be now they is the start of their real... Yeh hain MOHOBBATEIN...
***
Okay that's it.
Please comment and let me know how you liked it...
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