Take 5: Rang-ing the Rasiya Ve!!
Rabba Ve - ladkiyons! π€ π€ So wonderful to use the traditional greeting for yet another new show this year, and mean at least half of it.
We gather today to bhelcomes baick our phavorite bitiya as she runs over the Raqth'd Reth of Rajasthan (say that really fast 5 times, I dare ya) - trying to avoid being splattered by all those mid-air goli riddled bodies spurting fresh raqth. Devi Maiiya ki kasam - the rest of us who only have to dodge pigeon poop, count ourselves as blessed.
So. RangRasiya. A super-sized show with extra French Fries - debuting on Colors Channel today. βοΈ βοΈ βοΈ We begin with inside gossip - the producers of Dhoom 3 BEGGED the RangRasiya CV's to air their promos in the theater before the movie, desperately hoping to generate some excitement for D3.
Apparently, Katrina Kaif in microscopic shorts last worn by adult female bacteria only elicited bored yawns, and Aamir Khan was offered discounted membership to Senior Citizens Cruises when he sauntered onscreen. But the sight of humri bitiya flitting hither and thither on the sand in the promos drew mass hysteria, to the extent that mooch-less police had to be called in for crowd control.
Last heard, Amreekan police wants to be allowed to sport flourishing mustaches like BSD ka poster bitwa. Reason? Imagine using mooch to lasso border smugglers and runaway cattle, all in one fell swoop! Taser can go bhad mein! π²
Based on promo visuals - Homeland Security is seriously considering the plea.
Anyway. Aaj ka Take 5, from...you guessed it...the Raqth'd Reth of Rajasthan π
We begin with...
1. ...Paro.
She of the insanely large phan paltan in asli duniya (rivaling that of original phavorite bitwa - who has been in purdah all year, having vowed not to be seen by parayi aurats). Anyway - Bitiya showed up in a short lived avatar jingling anklets earlier this year, but it unfortunately collected dog pee on opening day, and then swirled down the TRP toilet into oblivion.
But - you just can't keep a talented bitiya down. ππΌ After going on a break for 11/28/45 days - she's back onscreen with something-something-jaltey-reth-ki-something kahani.
???
Note to announcer - slow the heck down. Not all of us were born with an umbilical connection to a Hindi dictionary.Capisce?π‘ π‘ π‘
So in this newly launched magnum opus - she be simple village belle who believes in love - butting heads with completely un-simple bitwa who basically uses hapless villagers like dartboards.
Whose head is harder and will prevail after said head-butting? Phront phront see bhat bhat... π
But enough about Paro. Let's look at the other half of this equation, who goes by the awesomely heavyweight name of...
2. ...Rudra.
He be the poster boy of mysteriously named baarder security organization called BSD (yeah - sounded like an antacid to me too ) - apparently, the CV's couldn't decide whether bitwa should be in the Indian Army, or BSF, or CRPF. So instead of risking offense to any asli duniya organization with GUNS, they settled for a fictitious name.
Smart move. Seeing the Cowboy Harry powers that Birpur Ka BSD apparently possesses - asli Army/BSF walas might ask for their money back. Or at least - their hair back. π‘
Anyway - BSD wala poster bitwa is singlehandedly responsible for decimating all those who even sneeze while galti-se facing said border. He does this while shooting, running, and easily vaulting over burning fires - despite being hamstrung by a so-tight-OMG - I -can't-breathe uniform, and a mustache that weighs more than his jeep.
Bitwa - bhelcomes into the orbit of the "Chamkili" star that be phavorite bitiya. So long as you don't get peed on by a puppy in the first episode - you're golden.π Also - word about town is that you're a pretty decent actor and can hold your own against bitiya's thespian skills - so you're already earning brownie points on that score.
BUT.
Sometimes there be sticklers like me who have a fundamental problem with male Rapunzels.π Be it the BSD or Boy Scouts or Nukkad-Ke-Security-Guards-Association, in fact, ANY uniform wala job - they tend to be just a tad nitpicky about their officers showing up in -
1. Uniforms that fit like pre-shrunk spandex
2. Tresses that flow like the Brahmaputra in high monsoon
3. Mustaches that need their own set of curling tongs.
And bitwa - you generally don't want to piss off people who have easy access to heavy grade weaponry. Just sayin'.
Those who've read Take 5 for other shows know that this is a pet peeve - so maafi for lamba rant. I remain hopeful that this is an anomaly, and will be remedied once bitwa is back in Bombay studio - with regular access to a razor.
Otherwise, I'm taking inspiration from an offhand remark made by our very own Savvy05, and recommending that bitiya show up onscreen with unwaxed arms and legs, hairy upper lip, and UNTRIMMED NOSTRIL hair.
Equality of the sexes - Rabba Ve.
Anyway. Aaj ka episode kicked off with red carpet treatment, beginning with...
3. ...Act 1, Scene 1
A tinpot bus with a single bulb cutting through the interminable darkness of the desert, stops in the middle of nowhere.People are let off to relieve their bladders - but end up being relieved of both raqth and jaan instead - thanks to a Bloodthirsty BSD Battalion (BBB).
π²*Start Soapbox Rant*
CV's - I get that this is a TV show, and a certain amount of latitude is expected for dramatic introductory sequences - but depicting those who risk life and limb in service of the country as a universally evil bunch of trigger happy MONSTERS?
NOT COOL. π‘ π‘ π‘
*End Soapbox Rant.*
Hopefully, the upcoming episodes will balance the scales somewhat. Otherwise - I'm gonna start channeling Jack Nicholson from "A Few Good Men", and that wont be pretty.
Lambi saans andar and baahar - moving on.
Enter junior versions of bitwa and bitiya - both traumatized for different reasons. Junior bitiya is in anguish coz she lost her parents in the BBB shootout, and junior bitwa - coz he doesn't get a "Maaa" flashback scene in Sheesh Mahal in episode 1 of this show.
Say bhat? π²
Maafi - galti se mistakiya. Bitwa carries the burden of being abandoned by his mother - scarring him for life, and causing him to go through childhood with a perpetually bow shaped, bee stung mouth that any teenage girl would kill for.
Junior bitwa and bitiya meet like two ships that pass in the night (or two buses that pass during the day) and after some age-appropriate Rabba Ve - she tosses him the prettiest, girliest doll you could ever hope to see π² π²
And this is precisely why schools in India need to be co-ed. Junior bitiya - what on earth were you thinking? π If his Amma's leaving hadn't scarred him for life - being tossed this doll by a girl most definitely would have done it.
And that wraps up the junior segments. Too bad it was so short - for once they picked kids that actually acted like kids, and managed to make a mark in the 10 minutes they were onscreen. ππΌ
Moving on yet again. Fast forward to present day, and...
4. ...Main Maati Ka Putla Hoon.
Unfortunately, all grown up bitwa takes that line from the title track a little too seriously, and mistakes all grown up bitiya for a clay puppet that needs oven time.
Not understanding? Nebher phear - I'll explain. π
Bitiya enters the frame looking seriously gorgeous in the flitting hither and thither introductory shot - the same one that caused paroxysms among Dhoom 3 audience (see above). The flitting stops when she stumbles upon an injured camel - and she calls upon a second camel to help.
Unfortunately for her - the second camel comes attached with BSD bitwa - who instead of helping, pours flammable liquid in a perfect circle around her, and sets it on fire. Screen fades with bitiya wondering
Cliffhanger phinish. Will bitwa rescue camel and/or bitiya? π² Based on his character sketch - he'd be perfectly happy watching both go satyanash in a ball of fire, but then bitiya's insanely large phan-paltan would go gunning for him with an even bigger gun than the one he was flourishing.
So to all those searching for the nearest fire extinguisher - please to relax, π and extend a warm wala bhelcome to...
5. ...Rang and Rasiya. Swaagat Hai.
We wish you a prosperous and wildly successful sojourn on soap duniya.βοΈ I'd wish for long-running - but we know painfully well that desi soaps invariably go off the script rails when they run for too long - leaving the door wide open for Masala Mamas. π
So here's hoping for a strong script that has a clearly defined beginning *and* equally clearly defined conclusion, great performances - and NO MORE SCENES of bitwa shooting people as though he were British royalty on a skeet shoot - and they were the unfortunate birds being tossed into the air for target practice.
Kyunki hum sahan nahin kar payenge. π π
But in the meantime - bhelcomes one and all to a brand new show, a brand new forum - and a brand new ghar for snark Maiiya!
May she always be welcome here! π₯³ π₯³ π₯³
Edited by -Jamba- - 10 years ago
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