FF: Intezar ke Pal-Kuch Kathe Kuch Meethe Not - Pg 76 Jul 3rd - Page 29

Part 7 

Of Roses and Thorns

"But he who dares not grasp the thorn 
Should never crave the rose." 
 Anne Bronte

            Time seemed to drag its feet and so did his agony, as seconds stretched into minutes and minutes to hours.  October 12^th 2013.  The date would be blazed into his memory yet again, for as long as he would live.  His lips twisted into a bitter smile as he recalled that it was on 12th October the previous year that he had made love to his Khushi for the first time, with the stars blazing overhead and the lake waters swirling below, in the house boat - Nakshatram he had gifted her.  What an irony that this year they would have to sustain the loss of their unborn child and he would pray for his Khushi's well being on the same date.

His soul had shriveled earlier that evening when he had seen her sink to the floor, and the realization of what they had had, and had lost in the space of a heart beat had dawned on them at the same time.  He had watched helplessly as she had clung to him; her starlit eyes had turned hollow and lifeless with sorrow before her lashes shuttered over them to hide her pain and utter misery, shutting the world out, shutting him out.

            There was dull pounding in his chest, and he clenched his jaw, willing for the door to open, willing her to walk out and dazzle him with her sunny attitude, amuse him with her random rambling. He sat on the marble floor like a battle-weary warrior; his back against the wall, his head tilted up at an angle and his intense eyes transfixed on the door across. 

The sky was turning from pitch black to greyish blue.  The stars Khushi loved were fading into oblivion with every passing moment.  The LCD on NK's phone showed that it was five-thirty am the next day.  The nurses on the early morning shift found their eyes wandering over to look at the handsome man who looked singularly lonely despite being flanked by his entire family.  Their silent sympathetic glances were tinged just a tad with envy, for it was clear as daylight to any onlooker that this man was irrevocably in love with his wife; the sort of all-consuming love which one reads of only in fairy-tales.  There were hushed whispers as several versions of his story' from the night before, made rounds, passed on by word of mouth amongst the hospital staff. 

Arnav was blind to the sights and deaf to the sounds around him.  The janitorial staff gave him a reverential breadth as they went about their chores, their cloth mops swishing rhythmically against the alabaster floors.  His mind kept spinning the events from the past evening over-and-over, as-if some hidden clue existed in the myriad images, something elusive which when identified could help him reverse everything that had occurred.

Memories of watching her faint in his arms came flooding through; she had looked pale and vulnerable.  He had carried her on a half-run, out of the haveli like a mad man, before Ajay had caught up with him and had hauled both of them into his Hummer and brought them over to the hospital. He had been on an auto-pilot mode, rushing around, following orders... now that was a first, Arnav Singh Raizada who was accustomed to issuing decrees was following orders without a word or question.  Nothing seemed to matter, except the pale face of his wife as she lay on the sterile hospital bed.  That vision was the only real thing that rooted him to the world, everything else was surreal.  "He would follow a million orders from all and sundry as long as she woke up and smiled at him like she always did", he kept chanting to himself.

The Doctor had confirmed that they had indeed lost the baby and they would need to perform a DNC to clean the uterus and ensure there was no scar tissue left behind.  He had waited, pacing the floor, till the procedure had completed.  Would the agony end now? He had wondered as he walked on leaden feet into the room. 

She had looked at him at first with dead-pan eyes.  As he drew closer, mentally reharsing what he would say to her, he had watched her expression change and her eyes shine with Joy.  Before he could decipher the transformation, he had heard her exciting outburst, "Arnavji, aap aagaye?  Ab hum sabko bata sakte hain ki aap papa ban ne wale hai. Naniji, amma, Buaji, sab kitne khush honge..."

Her words had halted his movements.  She had gazed into his shocked eyes, and in the next second her face shattered as her eyes filled with tears when reality came rushing back to her mind, and she had sobbed heart-broken, falling back onto the pillows, biting her lip.  Nothing seemed to soothe her, and he had watched impotently as she slipped into a drug-induced sleep.  A few hours later, she had stirred awake only to re-live the exact same emotions all over again.

The doctor had administered pain-killers and anesthesia and had walked him out.  She had patiently explained that Khushi was undergoing Post-Traumatic Stress disorder trigerred by the mis-carriage.  She was in a state of shock and denial, replaying the events and re-living them in her mind.  She advised that they let her rest and had recommended that Arnav especially stay out of her sight till she had calmed down, since it appeared that he was the trigger for her chain of thoughts.  He had been shell shocked when he heard it.  Separation from his Khushi was what the doctor ordered for her quick recovery, and he would follow it even if it killed him.    Payal and Maya had decided to stay by Khushi's bed side while Anjali had followed him out.

He could not stay in the room, but that did not mean he had to leave the facility.  And so, he had camped outside the room, and waited for her to wake up, determined to take her home with him when she regained her senses.

            A small shuffling sound broke his train of thought and had him lift his head.  He angled his chin and his gaze met the eyes of his naani who had risen from her perch and approached him.  Did she always have these many wrinkles on her forehead, or has she grown some overnight he wondered idly. 

He was dimly aware of Di moving closer into his line of vision, and in the background he could see Buaji, her full-moon face now resembling a crescent moon as she sat stroking the head of his sasuma, Garima who had dozed off in her lap with the tears drying on her cheeks.  His eyes moved past to meet mamiji's troubled eyes from where she sat cradling Aanya, while Akash Paced. 

Akash never paced except when he was most troubled.   The thought floated unbidden in his mind...

            He tore his eyes away from Akash and focused on what Naani seemed to be saying.  Was he really moving this slowly, or was he having some sort of outer-body experience.  It was as if he was watching everything happening to him but some how from outside of his own body, like a bystander.  An outer body experience... He had scoffed at things of this nature in the past... could he be wrong?  No, it's gotta be a dream... a really sad one... He would wake up any minute now...

            "Chotte... aapko toda sa aaram karne ka padi" said naani.  He made an indecephirable guttural sound and moved his gaze excruciatingly slowly to glance at Anjali's slender fingers encircling his forearm and then just as slowly to look at his Di who was saying some thing.  He screwed his eyes and craned his ears to catch what she was saying ... 

"C-H-O-T-T-E... A-a-a-p-ko ... K-y-a  h-o-r-a-h-a... h-a-i, M-A-MA-JI, A-J-AY-J-I, A-K-A-S-H, N-U-R-S-E..." Di's voice seemed to soar and fade.

            He felt a rush of air around him and clattering feet; He heard mamaji calling out to him - Arnav Bituwa...'.  He felt Akash's arm around his shoulder and NK chanting his name over and over, and then there was silence; blessed silence, as darkness clouded his vision soothing his burning eyes, a heavy soothing languor crept over his limbs and body, turning him to liquid. The ache in his heart was fading and he felt himself float, slowly, like a feather, one that had escaped the shower of feathers from Khushi's pillow as she pumelled him in a pillow fight; light... so light..., her laughter ringing in his ears... his head felt light, no more heaviness just an airy feeling of bliss now, he floated and floated... and floated... 

************   

            "Dheeraj rakhiye Devyaniji.  Arnav ko bhi thoda sa sadma pahuncha hai" said Viren chacha in a comforting voice, and Iyer uncle voiced his agreement.  Devyani nodded while she leaned over the head of the hospital bed and absently stroked back the hair from her grandson's forehead.  Anjali and Akash who had been talking to the duty doctor walked in and confirmed what they had suspected all along.  The incident with Khushi and the resultant stress had taken its toll on him.  To top it off Arnav had not eaten anything since his last meal on the flight back home, which was well over 24 hours ago and as a result he had become hypoglycemic. 

"Ghabranewali koi baat nahin, nurses IV administer karenge aur kuch hi samay mein bhai theek hojayenge" finished Akash.

************

October 28, 2013

            "Thank God, things are back to normal, Khushi ji is back to her sunshiny self, Nannav is back to his brooding self and Dhruv gave his mom and Khushiji a gift today even though in reality it's his birthday by declaring, he would be home in a week's time.  Everything is right in this world again," enthused NK, sucking deeply on a raspberry pink ice-gola' and smiled genially at his cousins. 

            Arnav lifted a sardonic brow at NK and decide to reel back the caustic comments simmering on the tip of his tongue on NK's choice of refreshment.  He shifted his gaze towards Khushi haggling with the Channa-wala surrounded by the teeming sea of humanity at Chandni-chowk, and wondered if everything was indeed right with the world as NK put it. 

            It certainly seemed like it on the surface.  After waking from her anesthesia induced sleep, Khushi had in degrees progressed from denial to acceptance of what had happened.  Sadder, but saner than the night before, she had immediately sought her Arnavji; and when she had heard of his fainting spell, she had been alternately guilt ridden, and raving mad at him for neglecting his health.

            Arnav had welcomed her new degree of eccentricity with increasing happiness.  They had both collapsed on the hospital bed, hugging each other, crying their hearts out and laughing in between.  A few days later they had returned back to Delhi.  Khushi's amma and babuji had stayed back in Jaipur owing to Shashiji's ongoing treatment with Dr. Shenoy.  Naaniji had insisted that buaji stay with them in Shantivan. 

As they fell into their routine back home in Shantivan, everything seemed to have returned back to normalcy, and yet he knew that something had changed between him and Khushi.  Everything was not quite the same.  It was too subtle for the others to notice but too significant for either of them to ignore.  Underneath her happiness and normalcy, he sensed a thread of anguish, despair and an unvoiced yearning.  He had a pretty good idea what it was, and yet he was not prepared to confront her, for he knew not whether he was ready to risk it all again.  Sure, they went back to their routine star gazing, conversations - both mundane and poignat, and their loving and lovemaking, but it was like they were walking on eggshells around each other, each withholding something, afraid of upsetting the other.  This unspoken something was looming like an elephant between them.

"Watch it Khushi!" he exclaimed, snapping out of his introspection and catching her as she tripped over a stone in her eagerness to get back to them.

She raised startled eyes to him that was replaced with a quick smile and a flippant reply of "Aap hain na Arnavji hume sambhalne ke liye" before she turned to offer channa to Maya and Payal, unaware that he had yet again seen the shadow of sorrow ringing her eyes and the slightest trace of angst in her voice before she had forced her usual brand of gaiety into it. 

            Arnav frowned as they bustled into the car and pondered as he drove.  NK, Maya and Iyer uncle were returning back to Kerala the next day.  Iyer uncle had invited the entire family including the Rathods over to Kerala for Talai Deepavali' (First Diwali for a newly wed couple) as he put it for NK & Maya as well as Ajay & Anjali. 

            The change would be a welcome one for Naaniji, Akash, Payal and everyone, after what had been a rough few weeks recently.  And Khushi loved these large gatherings.  The festivities would cheer her up and whatever anxiety ate at her would soon disappear.  Yes, that's probably the best plan, he resolved, even as his heart sank at the sight of Khushi's reflection in the rear-view mirror.  She was staring out the window in abject misery while the rest were lost in conversation, surreptitiously flicking away a tear from the corner of her eye, before turning to them with an overly bright smile plastered on her face.  

            "No, Things were most definitely not normal!"  His eyes caught her's in the mirror;he knew he was right, and she knew it too.

********************************************