Originally posted by: Buffie
I believe culture and tradition are ever changing. We can learn a great deal from what has been practiced in the past and retain those that have worked well for us but there is also a need to weed out the ones that are not relevant anymore and create new cultures and traditions as we go along. But whether we follow the old traditions or create new ones - so long as we do them for the RIGHT REASONS, we stand to benefit from them .It is not the question of westernization or a mirage of cultural differences and ethics,the question is a focus on the need. The generation today is far more complex , their greater and more strategic ability to think has also been sandwiched by premarital sex.The kind of problems that premarital sex could genetare are more devastating especially in a society like ours. The set that would approve premarital sex see it through a rose tinted glass and not the clear aspects and problems it could cause to both the partners.
I understand that you were speaking of the eastern culture, but you have to understand that our culture is changing as well. People are more open minded about PMS and relationships then they once were. In the old days, love marriage was a sort of insult to your family and friends but now it is accepted, the same way people are learning that relationships and PMS are not harmful and dont have disastrous effects if one is responsible and careful about them. I dont know which devastating effects you speak of and how it could cause any problems if people are reasonable. I understand that there are people like that girl's fiance who are not reasonable about things like one's past but there are fools in every time. I know there are tons of people who won't let their daughters wear jeans because it is westernization and their daughters will go wild if they start dressing like "whores". I am not looking at PMS through rose tinted glasses but i dont see any harmful effects besides the physical which can be minimized through proper precautions.
Originally posted by: Buffie
But,in South Asia,is it seen as something spiritual??Quite not.I do believe the sex per se is a human concept,not western or indian(if not why is PMS prevalant in the villages and in the lower echleons of the society…and I'm sure that the western bug hasn't bit the villagers)
The difference …In the west,its accepted and isnt considered a taboo.But in the east,especially in India,its very much a taboo(the silent majority would concur)..Now,one might say that we do have many evils prevalant in our society and one must not be dogmatic and blindly accept what has been ingrained.Agreed,but we cannot completely shun our culture and adopt the western outlook towards life.Atleast its impossible for people who do not migrate to the West.
In the west,parents are perhaps completely fine with their kids losing their virginity.The kids dont hide the fact that they are dating,or that they have slept with their boy/girlfriends...But,for a child who has been raised the Indian way,Taking the plunge would mean not adhering to the beliefs(and i wouldnt buy the excuse if someone living in India cites the "western outlook as the reason" and thus justifying one's action.That plainly means aping the west🤢)
Buffie you said it yourself sex is not a western concept, it is a human concept and then you go and say that we shudn't accept it because its western and we shouldn't give up our culture. It also exists in India, people have just closed their eyes to it. Teenagers in india are having sex in large numbers simply because people are not willing to discuss this issue. If people talked to their kids rather than saying "sex is wrong and you'll go to hell if you do it before marriage" than teenagers might wait to have sex until they're ready.Premarital sex among 18- to 20-year-olds in metros is as high as 65.6 per cent amongst girls and 63.3 amongst boys.Extramarital affairs amongst married couples in the age group of 18 to 30 is as high as 10 to12 per cent. Post-30, this figure increases due to the onset of boredom in marriages. (1) People in India are having sex, they are engaging in pre-marital and extra-marital affairs they are just too scared to talk about it. So we can blame westernization for sex, it always existed in India people just didnt talk about it. Buffie doing something that you feel is right even if other people dont do it doesnt automatically make you wrong. The beliefs in India are changing and they're not due to westernization, each culture evolves and adopts wat is beneficial for it. It is entirely presumptuous and insulting to say that we can't think for ourselves and are blindly copying the west.
Originally posted by: Buffie
NO,I never said that.Sometimes,certain other bonds(such as friendship or a parental bond) which may be way more solid than a nuptial bond...But when we are talkiing about the "romantic liaisons",I believe that marriage is the ultimate bond.Or else a ceremony like marriage would never have been conceived.
Originally posted by: Buffie
AND that is precisely what is disheartening....The importance attached to marriage is belittled..Marriage has become child's play,something too jejune..sometimes marriages going bust with people not even giving their 100%.I'm not saying that one has to invariably stay in a marriage which isnt working.But people must give their 100%,and if it still doesnt work,they must part.Mostly,people arent diabolical,they are grey....
Originally posted by: Buffie
Marriage and dating arent one and the same.Marriage is certainly several notches above dating.....Marriage encompasses honesty and reliability of character,one is always answerable to one's spouse in a marriage....yeah,all the above definitely apply to commited relationships too,but in a marriage,there is certainly an extra measure of responsibility...Jilting or breaking up isnt as tough as getting divorced..Marriage(atleast in the indian perspective) is "milan" of two families,whereas in the west,there's a totally different vision of marriage too...One doesnt too often see a "joint family"(not saying that that is the best way of life or anything as such) in the west..Leading a life of fulfillment is not merely sex,but also complete understanding between the partners, strength of the marriage institution and also raising of a loving and harmonious family.Thus NO-NO to pre-marital sex is NOT BECAUSE its A TABOO ,but because its not the ideal step towards leading and living life with a sense of purpose and fulfillment.
I am not talking about casual dating, I am talking about two people in a committed relationship. I dont agree that marriage puts an extra responsibility on you that a truly committed relationship doesnt. Breaking off a couple of years old relationship is just as hard as breaking up a marriage, the only thing about marriage that is harder is the legality of it. I agree that in our culture a marriage is between families more than people, but that is not the right way of things. A marriage should be between the poeple who are starting a new life together rather than their families. Fulfillment in one's life does not require marriage, it requires someone who will love you, care for you, understand you and be with you through every hardship in life. Marriage doesn't guarantee that nothing does. People raise loving families without getting married, they raise their children well without getting married. Just because a life with your love outside of marriage isn't ideal doesnt mean that it is wrong. Marriage is not the ultimate show of commitment or love, it is spending your life with some which does that. Marriage without that bond that connection is worthless and that bond without marriage is just as strong as it would be with it. Marriage is simply putting a stamp of legality and approval on a relationship, and just because somene doesnt have that stamp doesnt mean their relationship isn't real.
Originally posted by: Buffie
AND i'm not defending rape or adultry or infidelity or any of the other evils that are existent.But,at the same time,certain evils doesnt belittle the sanctity of marriage.
You're right about the fact that a few evils dont belittle the sanctity of any institution, but the sanctity is of all relationships. So to say that its easier to cheat or lie or break up or leave someone because u r in a relationship rather than married is untrue. Sure some people don't take their relationships seriously but these are the people that dont take their marriages seriously. Marriage in itself is nothing, it is all the emotions and the promises associated with it that are a big deal. If two people make those promises to each other without marriage then wat is the harm in it?
Originally posted by: Buffie
But that's how its seen in the East.The point is,if marriage is not the ultimate,then what's the whole point of a marriage....One can as well remove the ceremony called marriage from all cultures....Would that be possible...No...Its an age old tradition,and reiterating,we need to model ourselves according to the current times,but we need to retain some customs of the past.....
Just because something is a tradition doesn't make it right. It is almost as if you're saying sorry just because something is unnecessary and not totally correct doesnt mean we can change it so we should just suck it up and live as others expect us to. Buffie accepting change doesnt mean that we will lose who we are, what our culture is, but we have to realize that times change and people change. Change isn't evil, it is growth and without recognizing that change if necessary our culture will die.
Originally posted by: Buffie
TRUE...two people who are married need to necessarily be in love when they get married,but as I said,a sense of committment,security and responsibility creeps inside a marriage which may make the marriage insurmountable and prove to be beneficial in the long run..and at times,the "respect" or "affection" that one harbours for the spouse may be much more stronger than love...A misconception is that love is the strongest emotion,and thus the fact the two people are in love would absolve them of all their other mistakes and they can do anything..Love doesnt always culminate in people's getting married...
Marriage is not simply the signing under a dotted line,it does have some significance,a helluva amount of venerableness and piety ......
Buffie I keep repeating myself but people can be committed to each other without marriage.People can respectful and affectionate to each other with out marriage. Commitment doesnt come from marriage because if it did nobody would cheat on anyone and there would be very few divorces. Marriage in this day and age is not a sense of security because now that divorce is so easily accessible to say that marriage is forever is ludicrous. People are the ones who make commitment who stick with each other in times of need and hardship. It is not the other way around that an institute makes people do something. I feel like you are saying that marriage makes people loyal or be good to their spouses, no people are loyal themselves with or without an institution.
Originally posted by: Buffie
I'm no one to assess somebody else's choice,and it seems that she has adopted the western way of life,and thus perhaps she isnt going against her beliefs.I'm not against pre marital sex per se,I'm against not abiding by the beliefs,and thus committing further sins by being untruthful and by being downright mendacious
Buffie this whole debate started with assessing someone else's choice regarding sex and virginity and lying. So discussing someone else's choice shouldn't be a problem.
Originally posted by: Buffie
NO,I cant talk about the committment of a person about whom I know zilch.
We did talk about the desi girl and her decision to lie so at this point aversion to judging and discussion of someone else's decisions seems rather moot.
Originally posted by: Buffie
Reiterating,people dont look at things from this angle in the east,mostly,girls live with her parents till the marriage here,and live in relationships arent yet quite in vogue.And I wasnt talking about the western society.
I have already talked about change in India and how i feel about it.
Originally posted by: Buffie
That was plain idiocy🤢.Citing the example of a juvenile couple isnt convincing enough...Marrying only to have sex is 🤢🤢.....How about errmmmm....😛talking about a couple,who were childhood sweethearts,who never let their academics get affected due to their feeling for each other,did well in life,got into good jobs,then finally married.....
Marriage or Life itself is certainly not for sexual pleasure alone. There is much to life than sex.The pre-marital 'waiting' is surely not going to do us any harm,whereas the "taking the plunge at a moment of weakness or urge" entails several troubles(again,not talking about the west)...
If someone has sex due to reasons such as pressure or lack of self-restraint that is different. However, not everyone who engages in PMS has a problem with self restraint. Some people believe in waiting till they're ready rather than till somene tells them they're ready (i.e. when you get married). Sure waiting won't do anyone harm but wat is the point of it when there is no real reason behind it. Relationships where people have sex are not for sexual pleasure alone, these relationships are for the same reasons that people get married, such as companionship. Just because someone is not married doesnt mean that they are in a relationship for purely sexual reasons.
Originally posted by: Buffie
HMMMMM,interesting..Marriage is considered a burden,something which law inflicts on two people who arent the least interested.......The point that i'm trying to get across is that,if two people are head over heels in love with each other,and are dead sure that they cannot live without each other,why do they fear marriage😕...and lol come on,saying that marriage has no significance at all is difficult to sell.....In India,many a times,marriages are arranged,the couple arent invariably in love,but does that belittle the inviolability of marriage,or does that make the couple hypocrites...I'm afriad,not.....A person may not get married to the one he/she loves,he/she might still harbour feelings for the beloved,but may yet be an honest and faithful husband/wife...does that make him/her a hypocrite or alter the impregnability of the marriage❓...Definitely not....
Why should two people have to get married when they aren't in that place right now. I asked this guy i worked with who was living with his girlfriend if he loved her and he said he did and i said okay do you intend to marry her and he said no but he would live with her till he died. he left his job in one city for her and moved to another. Now that really means that he doesn't want to live without her and that is the case even without him marrying her. Marriage would be of no consequence.
I sound like a broken record but you keep saying it and i have to repeat myself marriage is not an impregnable institution. Marriage doesn't make people commit. Marriage doesn't make people responsible. Marriage doesnt make people faithful. People do these things. People commit to each other and if that commitment is strong enough they dont marriage to prove it to others and if it isnt then a marriage won't save their relationship and it will die its own death.
Originally posted by: Buffie
Reiterating,i wasnt speaking about the western culture where pre marital sex is perfectly allright and is accepted....My problem is when people take the plunge,then speak a plethora of lies,get into unwanted troubles,hide it from the parents..I've seen this happening to my close acquaintances in school...Most of my classmates are dating,some are quite intimate,but their parents have no idea about anything...Most are dating in the sly,and ALWAYS lie ,lie again and again,and continue cheating their parents....That gets my goat😡
Originally posted by: Buffie
When one hides the fact that one has consummated,when one lies,and when one sweeps it under the carpet,and when one feigns to be a virgin,then that means that one is acting like a hypocrite and isnt adibind by one's beliefs
There are gray shades in life. Sometimes we have to lie, we have to do things for ourselves even though our parents dont agree with them. Just because you lied about something doesnt make it wrong. It is really hard in our culture to be ourselves as women and do with our lives wat we please. This is evident "in many Mediterranean and African cultures, the husband's family may take revenge through violent punishments and banishment of the bride because the "non-virgin" bride "shamed" them. Among the Yungar people of Australia, girls without the hymen before marriage were starved, tortured, or even killed. In Arab countries, the "non-virgin" brides may be killed by her brothers, uncles, or even fathers. The perpetrators often escape prosecution due to the strong customs that justify such murders" (2) Our customs are tough. In Pakistan there are honor killings in which your family members can kill you for dishonoring them by having sex. When there are extremities like that wat should these women do should they simply accept this unfairness that they are not allowed to live their own lives or should they go about living their lives as they please. If a woman chooses to have sex with a man should she have to tell the truth even if it means death, and even if this woman were brave enough to accept her death should her family suffer because of her decisions. Our culture nothing is the individual's decision our families are always with us which is great, but should thy be punished like a woman's sisters not getting married or getting divorced because she had sex. When there are such unfair and extreme consequences, lying is a lot more acceptable because it is human to want to protect yourself and those you love and still do the things your heart desires. Just because someone lied doesn't mean they're wrong sometimes people lie to spare other people's feelings. I would never tell my parents anything that would break their heart, simply because i love them. My friend wears short and skirts and hides it from her parents I dont think there is anything wrong with wearing shorts or skirts but i dont say that to my parents because i know they disagree and i want to spare their feelings not because i think i am wrong or my friend is wrong.
(1)http://in.rediff.com/getahead/2005/mar/23youth.htm
(2)http://64.233.187.104/searchq=cache:FiKrTyUCKS4J:www.ocf. berkeley.edu/~issues/fall98/hymenrep.html+virginity+countrie s+costs&hl=en&gl=us&ct=clnk&cd=3
P.S. I didnt discuss your comments about difference of opinions because i felt that they didnt pertain to the debate though i agree we have our own opinions and we have a right to them.
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