Is it possible to envy somebody their sleep? Right now, I envy Nidhi hers! How is this girl able to do it? How is she able to slip into sleep so peacefully - setting aside the happenings of a long and emotionally exhausting day with such ease? I have no such luck. My knee hurts, my body begs for rest but my mind and heart will not afford me the luxury. Six months ago, I would have laughed if somebody had fed me the same line. The doctor in me would have put it down to indigestion. Come to think of it, I had certainly overeaten at lunch, unable to say no to Dadibua. If my eating an extra kulcha or two could give her such joy, I would gladly suffer indigestion. Although, I know that my diagnosis is incorrect in this case. I am not sick, at least not in the body.
Why am I this way? Why am I unable to articulate my feelings, unwilling to explain my actions, wanting complete and unconditional acceptance? Is it something to do with my past? Is it to do with the parents whom I never really knew, is it because Baba left with me with no explanations, is it due to losing the one place that was part of my identity, my first and only geographical mooring so to say? Am I punishing Nidhi for the crimes of my parents, Baba and my own destiny? Am I expecting that she should make up for all those rejections, all those losses by accepting me with no questions asked? Whether it is my purely platonic affections for Mallika, my sense of gratitude to her for being with me through my darkest moments even after I had clearly indicated to her that nothing more than friendship was on offer, my sense of guilt for her current situation and my responsibility of restoring Mallika back to her normal self ' I wanted Nidhi to understand and accept all of this without my having to offer a single explanation. It is possibly a huge and unfair demand to make in a marriage which is all about give and take but I simply can't seem to help myself on this.
Last night, after breaking down in her arms, I had to go back and check on Mallika. Her pain was palpable and so also her need for solace. This was the woman who had seen me through my worst crises, the woman whom I had to let go now for the peace of my home. No, Nidhi had not asked for it but it seemed to me that there was no way out. It is not that I did not understand Nidhi's point about Mallika's clinginess but I also knew that this was not the time to punish her for that. She was too fragile mentally to understand the ramifications of her actions. Her twelve year bond with me was all that made sense to her amidst the insanity of her life. Her physical clinging was a manifestation of that desire to hold on to that constant, the one thing that represented normalcy and peace amidst the shambles. Yet, I knew that constantly exposing Nidhi to this situation might pose a direct threat to our happiness. My stupidity had provoked me to say what I did about the house and my decisions. Again what I had meant was that I did not ask her consent only because I knew she would understand my rationale and my compulsions and would stand by me in my decisions. I should have said that instead of those stupid, egoistic lines that I blurted out. But, like I said, I am not the most expressive man. Now, I was angry with Nidhi once again, angry with her for not understanding me the way I wanted to be understood, for not accepting me unquestioningly with all my contradictions. I was angry with myself for being neither a good husband nor a good friend. My wife did not love and trust me unconditionally, like my parents and Baba before her, and I was going to have to turn my friend out when she needed me the most. As calmly as I could, I called the hospital and told them to send the ambulance in the morning and then proceeded to inform Nidhi of the same. I could not trust myself to speak further. I was afraid I would break down and ask her if she did not love me and trust me enough too. I had no choice but to turn my back on her and pretend to sleep.
The anger and bitterness continued to fester through the night. I dreaded having to tell Mallika what was to happen. I could not even ask Nidhi for moral support anymore. How could I ask her to wheel me into Mallika's room after the previous night? What if Mallika decided to throw herself at me once again? So I went about my business as quietly as I could. I sat transfixed as the attendants dragged Mallika away to the ambulance. Her words did not register in my mind, only her plaintive cries. She could have been speaking in a foreign language for all the sense her words made to me. Her pain though was there for all to see as also her sense of betrayal. I knew I was her culprit and I could do no more then watch.
And then, a miracle happened. Nidhi declared that Mallika would continue to live with us. In that moment, Nidhi accepted not just Mallika but she also silently declared her acceptance of me with all my faults and contradictions. That moment to me was as sacred if not more then the time when we exchanged our vows and became man and wife. When I thanked her in our room, it was not gratitude on Mallika's behalf but gratitude on my own. Her move to leave me the previous night had truly shaken me. I had survived the desertion by my parents and even Baba but I knew I would not survive this one. But, in a single stroke, she had soothed my soul that hurt from all those past desertions and told me that I was good enough for her as I was. I did not have to prove myself worthy of her love. I sometimes wonder if I am truly worthy enough but if she believes so, then who am I to question her?
I had underestimated Nidhi though. She was willing to accept me with all my faults but not with my baggage of guilt and pain. She wanted to own them instead. She made my faults her own and apologized to me for the same. I could have wept at that moment but twice in two days would have been too much. So, I decided to put an end to the topic by telling her that regret and gratitude had no place in our love. When she told me she fell in love with me all over again for vowing not to let her go, I could not help but wonder at how big a heart this girl had. I guess she needed it for how else would she be able to accommodate me with all my faults and complexes within it otherwise? While my own parents and the man who was a father figure to me left me and walked away, believing me to be not good enough for their love/trust, here was this woman who healed my soul by falling in love with me repeatedly. If all the pain, desertion and betrayal of the past is what has earned me this angel, then I am willing to go through it all over again and many times over.
I felt at that moment that I could do anything for my beloved, who had lightened my soul by shifting my burden of guilt and inadequacy onto her own heart. The stars and the skies meant nothing to her but the love of one woman meant everything. A woman who had showered a motherless child with all the love and affection that she could have asked for. The woman, who had put aside her prejudices, accepted me only for the sake of this beloved child. This was the woman whom I had hurt, whom I had insulted and rejected. I knew now what I had to do. No matter she had questioned my integrity, no matter she had indirectly questioned my love for her beloved child, all that mattered was that she had loved and cared for the woman whom I adored. She was a mother figure to my beloved and hopefully, I would be considered worthy enough to be taken under her maternal wings someday!
Quick temper and large-heartedness must be part of the Verma bloodline. I did not offer much of an apology, thanks to my inability to articulate my innermost thoughts. I must have said something right though or maybe it was because my angel had thrown her weight behind me literally and figuratively! She forgave me for my sins and even fed me with her own hands. I felt like I had come home finally after a long journey.
All's well that ends well, they say. But has it all really ended, I wonder. Nidhi's words made me think otherwise. In a stray comment, which she brushed aside as a joke, she had tried to probe into what Mallika's friendship meant to me. Does that mean that doubts still linger? Does that mean that the threat still exists, does that mean I still run the danger of being back to where I was, leading a lonely and emotionally barren existence? Is it the fear of this threat that keeps me from sleeping?
A sleep-filled voice breaks me from my reverie. ''Why are you still up?" she asks. I look at her, not knowing what to say. Then she does something which I realize is what I had been wanting, what prevented me from going to sleep. She opens her arms and beckons me to her. I find myself magically sliding down the bed, fitting myself into her arms, my head nestled in the crook of her neck. She folds her arms around me, kisses me on my forehead and says "Sleep". It was the command that my mind and heart had been waiting for. Holding on tight to my angel, I let myself slip into sleep!
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