Chandragupta Maurya


Chandragupta Maurya
Chandragupta Maurya

FF: Mysterious Murder at Manampur; Updt-Pg 44;5/2 (Page 9)

Moner_Radio IF-Rockerz

Joined: 31 March 2011
Posts: 9366

Posted: 21 December 2011 at 10:59am | IP Logged
@ swetha :
             nice character sketches dearSmile !! regarding the updates you have done till now, i have something to say...the plot is no doubt very goodStar , but i think you are messing up with the punctuations, for example, at the points where you want to express and convey the feelings of the characters, you are using the " : " symbol in front of the character name. so my suggestion is, dont use the " : " symbol in such cases, instead put it in a plain sentence..isse samajh ne mein aasani hoti hai, warna lagta hai ki woh log kuch kehne wale hai. ok ??Wink
 accha one more thing which i just noticed, in the last update ie, chap-2,part-1, you said that Manish ji left for the station at 5.30pm to take the train to shimla. then how come Shashank says that it's " late night " ?Confused plz explain it.

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bengalscott Groupbie

Joined: 15 September 2011
Posts: 180

Posted: 21 December 2011 at 11:00am | IP Logged
Okay let me divide the whole story update in to parts:

1. The Start: All of a sudden a dead body which creates the tension ambiance. But the dialogues at that moment was not so convincing. Tension was missing in the dialogues. But I must say the first hit with the dead body awakes the readers' senses. Awesome start.

2. The next parts: First update looked like a Police report presented by some journalist. But as a reader I must say, I didn't want those infos. Those infos could be better if had been unfolded by any character's dialogue. After all you are writing a story, not a documentary. But after that the story takes another turn towards the characters. A cliche police figure with his experience, good but saw it many times. You should have tried some other way to present the character Manish.

3. Over all: A beautiful narration with perfect pauses and reliefs till now. I want better from you as the expectation goes higher after these 2 updates.

Great going. Just don't keep it up, but make it large!! Clap

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swethasyam08 IF-Rockerz

Joined: 15 June 2011
Posts: 8762

Posted: 21 December 2011 at 11:12am | IP Logged
OMG did i put it 5.30 ???? OMg too many mistakes Angry it should be 8 . 30 thanks guys u are correcting me. im not even checking after writing. Disapprove

i will take care of that from now. Smile 

Polly Thank u!

Scott! this is the first time im writing something so a bit confused in presenting the characters. hope i will do it better in coming updates Day Dreaming thank u for ur suggestions. (i think perfection comes through experience Embarrassed)

do correct me if i give any un predictive things like timings or character sketch things. LOL 

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chatterbox IF-Sizzlerz

Joined: 01 May 2005
Posts: 23444

Posted: 21 December 2011 at 8:06pm | IP Logged
ok i m kind of lost.

swetha  just correct me

who are these ppl in  character sketch  2

these characters are in lucknow right

and murder happend where manampur

so where was manampur

alex fm cgm is history teacher
hehe wonder who is going fida on him then

i did read it last nite before going to bed bt i cudnt understand and i read again after getting up

so i guess that character sketch part hv to understand

now manishji has reached sahu hills

lets see what he finds out

so far so good

who is aditya here

let me check ur index again

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chatterbox IF-Sizzlerz

Joined: 01 May 2005
Posts: 23444

Posted: 21 December 2011 at 8:10pm | IP Logged
ok got it

aditya is assistant to manish

and lucknow came in focus becoz the person was caught at lucknow airport

so they r some student and teacher who were caught


got it

have to keep track of the cast

hhee thats why i get confused

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khusi_* IF-Stunnerz

Joined: 24 January 2005
Posts: 26008

Posted: 21 December 2011 at 9:54pm | IP Logged
Cops r chatting other than their
Now waiting for the revelations of this mystery

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justjayati Goldie

Joined: 21 September 2011
Posts: 1729

Posted: 21 December 2011 at 11:49pm | IP Logged
awesome part Swethu!!!

ek doubt meri taraf se bhi: even if u mention 8:30 instead of 5:30... why did u write "it was getting dark outside"?? 8:30 se aur zyaada kya dark hoga??? even if its summer...[Don't mind dear...just a random doubt]

Now... ab bajegi teri band...

abt characters...
Meri full on buraai karaaai jaa rahi thi ashu se hunh??? Ouch 
aru ko shanky de diya... khushi ko rohu, charu ko sid, polly ko Murderer... wah!!! kya baat!! kya baat!!! kya baat!!!

pura badla nikala hai mere se !!!! milo aaj googletalk par... sikhaati hoon tujhe sabak on chatting!!! aaj to chodungi nahin!!! Evil Smile

At the end!!!! Awesome yaar... u r writing really good [keeping all the scott's suggestions to u in mind] Update soon...Approve

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rai-kishori. IF-Sizzlerz

Captain Javitri, FFG Cupids
Joined: 31 August 2011
Posts: 22555

Posted: 22 December 2011 at 2:09am | IP Logged
Great !!!!!!!!!!!!! Loved It Cause I Like Travel & Mystery The Most And It Was Awesome Too !!!! ClapClapClapClapClapClapClapClapClapClapClapClapClapClapClapClapClapClapClap

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