FF: Mysterious Murder at Manampur; Updt-Pg 44;5/2 - Page 11

Created

Last reply

Replies

336

Views

24944

Users

18

Likes

559

Frequent Posters

anu93 thumbnail
Anniversary 13 Thumbnail Group Promotion 6 Thumbnail + 3
Posted: 12 years ago
Interesting update sweta...COntinue soon Thanks for PM
khusi_* thumbnail
Anniversary 19 Thumbnail Group Promotion 7 Thumbnail + 3
Posted: 12 years ago
ohh...itni saari entries!!
superb!πŸ˜†
bengalscott thumbnail
Posted: 12 years ago
Sorry Swetha but I am currently too busy to read your ff. But I'll surely read it as soon as possible. You have been a great support for my ff and I'll take my time out for ur ff.

Best of Luck.
swethasyam08 thumbnail
Anniversary 12 Thumbnail Group Promotion 5 Thumbnail + 2
Posted: 12 years ago
hey scott take u time. no problem.


swethasyam08 thumbnail
Anniversary 12 Thumbnail Group Promotion 5 Thumbnail + 2
Posted: 12 years ago
next update will be on tuesday guys as im buys these 2 days...
justjayati thumbnail
Anniversary 12 Thumbnail Group Promotion 3 Thumbnail
Posted: 12 years ago
updt soon!!! waiting...
bengalscott thumbnail
Posted: 12 years ago
I just completed reading chapter 2 & 3.

First of all good story. But the writing style is not good, sorry to say.

Some points:

1. Whenever you are starting a conversation, just start it. You don't need to mark it with a caption, like you did it in chapter 3.

2. It is very weird to find out that two persons when talking, discussing about other characters. Introduce the characters with other sub-plots. Two guys sitting and saying who's that who's this, don't work at all. I can bet you 1000 bucks that no fiction introduce characters like that.

3. Taking a cue from the 2nd point, I'll like to add that a very long conversation looks good in films or TV. Static characters just pointing other characters makes it extremely boring. Add more activities, e.g. music composer Rohit Kashyap comes to Deepak, Raj and NP and gets mingled with them. That will strike more conversation. Only 3 guys sitting and talking, what is it? A kitty party??

4. If I ask you who is Sachin Tendulkar, will you answer me like he's a cricketer and married to Anjali, who's a doctor and also 5 years elder than him? Who cares who marries whom? Who cares about his spouse's job status? Irrelevant topics makes the story slow. Just answer to the point! If NP has asked who is that blue shirt guy, then answer is Rohit Kashyap, talented music composer! If you want to know more about him, just use another sub plot.

5. You are writing a story, not a script of a drama or soap. So don't give captions for their details. Make readers understand their reaction with your story, not by caption. Excel the story by your skill.

I'd recommend an immediate change of style to help the story not to get messy. The story base is wonderful so get the style right.
Edited by bengalscott - 12 years ago
swethasyam08 thumbnail
Anniversary 12 Thumbnail Group Promotion 5 Thumbnail + 2
Posted: 12 years ago
thanks a lot for ur valuable suggestions scott! will take care of it..
Moner_Radio thumbnail
Anniversary 13 Thumbnail Group Promotion 5 Thumbnail Networker 2 Thumbnail
Posted: 12 years ago

@ scott:

            baap re !! you are a really severe critic yar😲, i must admit that !! but that would ultimately help the writer also, so..not complaining in any way !!πŸ˜†
 
@ swetha :
             good you said that you will update the story on tuesday, or else i was myself going to ask you about it !!πŸ˜†
swethasyam08 thumbnail
Anniversary 12 Thumbnail Group Promotion 5 Thumbnail + 2
Posted: 12 years ago


Chapter 4 Part 1: Unsolved


Location: The Police Head Quarters

The investigation had reached an impasse. Even with 8 full time investigators on loan from head quarters, with 15 local investigators, not one concrete lead had turned up. Morale at head quarters hit bottom.

The two dozen investigators assigned to the Manampur case were all gathered in the conference room. All the detective police men sat around were looking depressed.

 

The Head of the team: (In a discouraged voice) I want to thank each of you for all you've done during this long investigation. Months have passed since this investigation team was established. Your efforts during that time have been extraordinary. Unfortunately, with no strong leads to follow, we must now close this case. This is truly regrettable.

He looked around at the assembled men who listened with downcast eyes and continued.

However this does not mean that all investigation into this case must cease. We will continue to investigate on voluntary basis. Although the identity of the victim was unknown, I think we were too sure that, with so much evidence available, we would soon learn who he was. We found the murder weapon as well as witnesses who had seen the victim and the probable murderer. But despite ur efforts, we have had no further results. Now it's time to reevaluate our initial assessment.

Saying so he ended the speech.


Manish Rajan was the most disappointed man in the entire team as he was the main incharge of this case. Now he wondered, as suspected earlier, is this Sahu the name of a preson??? After going all the way to Sahu hills, it seemed the stranger had nothing to do with this case.

He started home alone. He won't be coming to this office from 2moro and is shifted back to his home base.

He preferred to take a bus and was on the way to the bus station. He heard a voice calling him. It was Aditya.

 

M: Hey it's you.

A: Since we are going in the same direction, I wondered if we could go together.

Both walked towards the bus station. The platform was crowded.

After a while Manish ji said: I wanted to talk to u for sometime lets go to somewhere nearby. I hope its alright with u.

Its fine with me. Actually I wanted to talk to u too, Aditya smiled.

M: That's perfect. I just can't go straight home the way I feel now. It was like the funeral at the head quarters. Lets go and have some beer.

A: Sounds good to me.

hey entered a narrow bar and took two seats in the corner.

 

Having the beer Manish ji said: I'm glad that we are here now.

A: I was thinking the same. We won't be working together anymore, so this is a goodbye sir.

M: Thanks for all u have done.

A:  No. I'm the one who should thank u.

Having finished his beer and taking a big sigh their conversation turned to the case.

A: U will be shifted back to ur home base tomorrow ri8? Probably u will be assigned to another case.

M: Yes. Probably one case after another, the work keeps coming. But even though u are assigned to something else, this case stays on ur mind. I have been a detective policeman for a long time solving many cases out of which 3-4 cases are not even solved. But still they always remind in a corner of my mind. Every now and then they pop up. Its strange. Well there's one more to give me bad dreams.

A: Sir! Lets not talk about it. Its our farewell for working together. Lets drink to that. You know, I have fonder memories of the time we went out of town together. It was the first time I have seen the Sahu hills. Its such  a beautiful place.

M: (Smiling) It would be good to visit it again just for pleasure may be after I retire.

A: I was thinking just the same.

M: What are u talking about? You are still young.

By this time the bar was full and noisy and it was easy for them to talk privately.

A: Your theory that the suspect's hideout is not too far away… I think that must be right. The murderer had to have been covered with blood. So he couldn't have gone far. I think his hideout has to be somewhere nearby.

M: I have looked around with that in mind.

A: The murderer couldn't take a taxi looking like that. The witnesses said he wasn't well dressed. Infact, he wasn't well off by the fact that he was drinking cheap whisky in an out of place like Manampur. He wouldn't have the money to own a car.

M: Probably not.

A: Then, if he couldn't take a cab, he must have walked home. The streets would have been dark, so he could have walked home without being noticed. If he could walk home, he had to live within a distance from Manampur.

M: That's true. Even if he walked till dawn, he couldn't have gone very far. At most may be five to six miles.

A: Here's what I think. If he went home looking like that, he must be living alone. Sir! U thought that the man lived somewhere else and used a hide out after committing the crime right?

M: I'm not confident on my deductions any more.

A: Don't be hard on ur self. If there was a hide out, it would mostly likely be his mistress or a close friend's place. Since he isn't well off, I could go with the friend theory. I can't see that he could afford a mistress.

 

They both said good bye and left.

Manish Rajan's house was on a bus route and it shook every time when a bus went by. His wife was tired of the noise and wanted to move, but they couldn't find anything they could afford. In eleven years they have lived there, the area had changed completely. Large new buildings were built and apartments were filled in empty lots.


I'm home, he announced as he took off his shoes.

Welcome home. U r early today, Shilpa ji came to the entry door with a welcoming smile.

Silently he went back towards the garden where he had placed the miniature bonsai trees he bought in the outdoor market.

M: I don't have to go to the head quarters 2moro. I am back to the home base.

S: Is that so?

M: I will be probably be home early from now.

S: (Noticing his flushed face), did u stop off somewhere for a drink?

M: Yes I stopped near the head quarters and had some beer.

S: That's nice.

M: Where is the boy?

S: My mom came and took him home. It's a holiday 2moro so he will be back 2moro by sunset.

 

Having changed he went to sit in the veranda where he can listen some children playing outdoors. 

Suddenly remembering he asked: Did some one move into the apartment?

S: Yes did u see something?

M: A truck was parked out front.

S: I heard from Hema that the person who moved in is an actress.

M: That's an unusual type for this place.

S: That's what we thought. Its quiet a talk around here.

M: If she's moving in that apt. she can't be much of an actress. 

S: She (Hema) was saying she was not a movie actress but acts in plays. That's why she doesn't earn much.

After finishing the supper, he asked: it's exhibition fair day. Shall we go?

They got off the car and crossed the street lined with shops. Though it was late, it was crowded.

There were several nurseries displaying varieties of potted plants. His wife pulled his sleeves but the bonsai lover in him wouldn't let him leave. He chose only one as he promised his wife. She laughed as he walked over to her, carrying his plant in one hand.


S: The garden is too crowded already. We can't line them all up unless we move to a house with larger yard.

M: Don't complain so much.

They had been out for an hour but had pleasant time. When they reached the main street, they saw a crowd staring as there was a traffic accident. An automobile had plunged into the side walk. Its rear end was smashed. A taxi was stopped 10 – 12 yards behind the car. The police men were investigating the accident. He went there to find what happened.


M: Hello! U have quite a problem. Don't u?

P: (Having recognized and saluted him) Its terrible. This one is a total wreck. The driver was speeding.  A taxi driver behind him was looking off to the side. He didn't even notice that the car in front of him had stopped and slammed into it without slowing down.

M: Any injuries

P: The taxi driver and the fare were rushed to the hospital. The people in the rear ended car had minor injuries.

M: And how badly injured were the people in the taxi.

P: The driver's head went through the win shield so his face was badly injured. And the fare's chest slammed to the back of the front seat when the taxi hit the car. He lost the consciousness temporarily.

M: That's the relief. Who was the passenger?

P: It heard that he was a kind of musician.


Next day morning when he woke up he was grateful that he'd been liberated from the recent disappointing case. He looked at the clock. it was only seven, he would have plenty of time to get to work even if he got up at eight.


He started reading the paper in which the front page was full of political news. The headlines were bold and the articles were interesting. Still a bit drowsy, he turned the pages of the newspaper. There was a series of opinion pieces accompanied by small photographs of each commentator. Browsing through the pictures, he stopped in one. It was the photo of Siddharth Khanna.


He wasn't interested in Sid's opinion. What had drawn his attention was is picture. He couldn't remember if the photograph resembled the face he had seen at Shimla Station, but he thought it was the same person. Aditya said he was a member of Victory group. Seeing his young face among the photos of well-known figures in various fields, he realized that Sid must be getting a lot of attention. He couldn't be 30yrs yet, impressed at such quick success.


Manish ji then turned the page, but the sports news didn't interest him. On the city page, a large headline caught his eye: "Composer Rohith Kashyap injured last night in taxi rear-end collision."


There was a photograph of Rohit. Manishji was startled to recognize another of the men he had seen at Sahu hills. He hurriedly read the article. It was about the accident he had come across the night before. Staring at yet another young face, he felt an odd connection.


Manish ji called to his wife, "Shilpa, look at this. There's something in the paper about last night."

S: Oh, really? So there were no deaths after all.

M: It seems not. This man was taken to the hospital, but he wasn't that badly injured.

S: Well, that's good.

M: Do you know anything about him?

S: Just his name. Sometimes his picture appears in the women's magazines I read."

M: Really?

Manish ji found out once more how uninformed he was.

S: There was a photo essay featuring him with his fiance, a pretty sculptor. Her father is a former minister.

M: That's what I hear. You know, I've seen this guy when I went to Sahu hills a while ago. When we got to the station, he was there. I didn't know who he was. Aditya had to tell me. They were there for some college seminar. Several local newspapermen were asking them questions. This fellow was one of them. (then showing the Sid's photo) They are quite something. They are even popular all over.

S: Their names are in the magazines all the time.

M: Oh, that's what I hear.

He started smoking and Shilpa ji left to cook breakfast. He looked at his watch. It was nearly time to get up.


To be continued...

Next: Chapter 4 Part 2: In the hospital