Chapter 11: Mere dil bhi kitna pagal hai...
Saturday, traditionally, had always been great day for her. It marked the start of full-on family time when she shopped and cooked and cleaned along with her sister. She spent an extra hour at the temple on both days of the weekend cooking in their kitchen and served the hungry during lunch. Though things in their family had become strained after Payal's wedding failure, they still got together as a family and kept a momentum going.
However after Wednesday, the last place she wanted to be was home. After an initial set back she had managed to pick herself up and become her charming self. She played the part of a perfect daughter - a standard set by an archaic society and responded to the guests. The prospective groom had asked her only one question for which she had to sum up all the willpower to blatantly lie. 'Yes, I would be a home maker.' The truth was, she wanted to be a homemaker and also a woman with a career; maybe not a stellar one but where she could spend eight hours a day in learning, discovering and do something she liked. After the guests left, she had ensured that she wouldn't make any eye contact with her family or initiate a conversation with them. Ache had settled in corner of her heart when her parents and her aunt single minded pursued to get her married off as soon as possible.
"Why?" She asked her father the next day after a long day at work. "Why do you want me to get married to a guy who obviously doesn't want me to work in future?"
"Khushi..." Her father's sentence was cut by her aunt.
"He is a good guy and they are good family." Her aunt's voice was blunt but was to the point. Khushi smiled thinly without humor. The guy's parents had made it conspicuously clear about the high regards they had for traditions and old school thoughts about women in general. They had admonished Khushi for her act in Payal's wedding which left a bitter taste in her mouth. They were clearly unhappy with her persona but they were ready to accept her as a part of their family.
She didn't understand their contradiction of rejecting morals but accepting the person who upholds them. They were exactly similar to her family in that aspect.
"Payal is my older sister. Shouldn't she be married first?" She asked.
"She would have if you hadn't butted in," her aunt grumbled loudly. This time, the verbal slap didn't hurt her as much as she had anticipated it to.
"Why can't it be Payal father? If the guy is good and the family is also good, then why can't Payal marry the guy?" She asked in one breath. She was met with silence as her father avoided her eyes. Her mother went back to cutting vegetables but the small shiver in her hands when the question was thrown out in open gave her all the indication she needed.
"Payal isn't suited for the guy. You are," her aunt's voice had a strange clinically disassociated ring to it. Khushi looked at her aunt mutely without knowing how to refute that argument. She wondered if the alliance to her sister was rejected because she was left at the wedding pyre alone.
"You will be married in three months. And that's that." Her aunt gave her one last look and walked out of the living room leaving the parents and their daughter behind.
"Father..." She looked at the man she had come to accept and respect as father since she was five years old still couldn't look her in the eye.
"It's best for all of us Khushi." He said and followed his older sister's exit. Without another word her mother too followed him.
She was left alone with her thoughts, emotions and feelings in their living room and suddenly she felt as if she was left alone in the world. She went back to her room and saw Payal reading an old magazine. Their house wasn't large enough to not to hear what's going on in family room. It pinched her when Payal didn't acknowledge her presence but continued to read the magazine. She sighed and laid on bed without changing out of the clothes she wore for work.
She closed her eyes and finally abdicated the feeling she had been fighting since previous afternoon. She turned her back at Payal so that the tears that formed in her eyes would remain hidden from her sister. She had gone to work in morning fully knowing that he wouldn't be there. The residue of his presence was all over the work place and more than once, she had looked up at the glass structure as a habit. His absence resonated loudly around her making the space she was in, void.
She missed him. And she had accepted that fact the moment he told her that he would be gone for close to four days.
Rain splattered across her window on gloomy Saturday morning and all the usual weekend plans were put to rest. She usually woke up an hour or two later than usual work days and that Saturday was no different from the previous ones. However it was due to the fact that she was tossing and turning for most part of the night, her dreams haunted by shadows of unknown stranger and being left alone in a strange world. She had shouted 'Arnav' several hundred times till her voice went hoarse and her throat bled. Yet, he hadn't come. The dream had felt very real and very scary and she had gotten up from half asleep state with his name on her tongue. She had immediately checked to see if Payal had heard her and to her relief she was met with a soundly sleeping Payal.
Sleep hadn't come after that and in the darkness of the night and warmth of her blanket, she accepted to herself that she was really, really attracted to him. And this time it wasn't a school girl crush but something much serious and much complicated.
For once, she had surrendered to the dream of being accepted by him and slipping into his embrace under a full moon night. Unknown warmth had flooded with that dream and sleep had finally taken her deep into its womb.
She sat on portico floor watched rain cleanse and wet everything in its wake. It was already early evening and the rain was a constant chatter for most part of the day. Her thoughts were disturbed when she heard a discussion about her and the alliance between her father and her aunt. Couple of days earlier, her father had said that her marriage was best for everyone. Something was permanently stuck in her throat when her father had said like that. Her entire life was going to get changed and her individuality would probably be permanently damaged if she was to marry the guy yet her father hadn't considered that in his response.
She stood up and walked inside the house and stood in front of her aunt and father who stopped conversing seeing her come.
"I don't think..." She started but couldn't bring herself to complete it. Her father understood what she wanted to say but he didn't dare utter it in open. It would trigger arguments and discussions where he would be looked upon by two different parties to intervene and support them.
He knew that for once, he wouldn't be able to support Khushi. And the thought scared him.
"Your wedding is in three months," her aunt said looking straight at her.
"Tell me why?" Khushi asked her father looking at him and ignored her aunt.
"I already told you..."
"I am not talking to you," she said, half yelling. "This is between my father and me. And I have to know the answer." She said adamant about her request. Her father looked at her and saw a strong young woman seeking truth. In all fairness, Khushi's question did demand an answer.
"Do you want me out of your lives?" She asked tonelessly.
"Khushi!" It was her mother who had yelled her name from kitchen.
"Am I wrong?" Khushi asked her mother in a monotone.
"We want you to marry the man because he rejected Payal." The answer wasn't expected one.
"How is this okay mother? Have you ever thought how Payal would feel when you pull of a stunt like this?" She thundered.
"We were living in humiliation every day. We cannot afford to be choosy about what we want and what we don't, Try understanding that Khushi. You started it all and as elders we will do everything we can to fix it." Her mother said.
"If I do get married to the guy then my sister would feel insulted every time she would see me or hear me or even think about me. Have you ever thought of that?" Khushi's voice had lost the earlier edge and now it was just exhausted. Her mother looked at her unable to respond. Regret flashed across the older woman's face and Khushi witnessed it.
"I wish for once you thought about Payal than thinking about yourselves." She said in a defeated tone and walked back to her room. She stopped before she entered the room.
"I know you want me to marry the guy for all yours sake but I am not going to marry him at the cost of my sister's pride." She said and walked inside.
Brushing off her tears, she changed her clothes and picked up her bag. Without caring to braid her hair, she scurried out.
"Where are you going?" Payal asked hurrying behind her. She had heard the entire conversation Khushi had had with their mother and felt incredibly proud of little sister. "Khushi, please stop." She begged. Khushi complied at her request.
"I am going to office. Don't wait up, I might be late." She said and took a step outside. The mild drizzle soothed her warm cheeks and she broke into a run to avoid complete drenching. After deciding to take an auto instead of bus, she reached office in record time. She ran past security flashing her badge so that she could get out of rain soon. Once at her desk, she allowed herself to relax in warmth of office and the silence it offered.
She knew that truthfully she liked being where she was because she associated that space to him and her. Her cubicle witnessed their interaction and held the words exchanged between them in its walls. She closed her eyes and let her rationality succumb to fantasy for moment. She could smell his mild aftershave, rustle of his crisp suit, soft footfalls of his leather shoes and the essence of him surrounding her. The worries left her muscles and her face relaxed into an easy smile. She opened her eyes and booted her computer.
For now, she would forget everything that happened at home and work on the risk model. It was the only way she knew to keep a check on her sanity.
*****
"You have been awfully quiet since last night," Lavanya said looking at Arnav who was typing on his laptop. It was glorious Friday afternoon which had the two of them sitting in a caf. "Our work is done for the day Arnav," she instilled whining to put across a point.
"I have to finish this email Lavanya," he said softly not looking at her.
"Please don't do this to me," she said, her voice pleading. Arnav looked up from laptop surprise evident in his eyes.
"What are you saying Lavanya?" He asked not understanding what she was saying.
"Don't start ignoring me after what I said last night," she said, her eyes covering with thin layer of water.
"I am not ignoring you Lavanya," he said in a placating tone.
"Stop patronizing me and tell me honestly," she said and wiped an errant tear that had managed to escape her eyes.
"Tell you what?" He asked clenching his teeth fully knowing what she was insinuating.
"Do you love me?" She asked without beating around the bush anymore.
"Lavanya..." He didn't know how to respond. He didn't want to respond. The realization had come to him the night before that the person he wanted to tell that to wasn't Lavanya.
"Answer yes or no," she stopped him.
His throat constricted by the look on her face and without finding a voice to give her response, he shook her head. She squeezed her eyes shut and breathed several times trying to contain the hurt that was trying to burst out in tears. After several moments she regained her composure and became the woman he always admired her to be. Admiration - he would always accept. Attraction - there was ample amounts of it. Love - definitely not. He was very sure of that.
"I knew that was going to be your answer, you know?" She said opening her compact and started to brush her cheeks. He didn't reply to that. He wondered why she wouldn't go to rest room to get powdered. Once satisfied with that, she reapplied the lipstick and glossed it once over. She angled her head to check her overall appearance in compact mirror and when she felt it was good, she snapped the compact shut.
"Generally you are mouthing this and that but when truth really hits you, you go quiet." She said looking at him plaintively. Again, he didn't respond. "I know you don't love me because if you had, you would have shown it in your eyes and I would have known." She replied and offered him a soft smile and stood up. He looked puzzled.
"Shall we go to National Gallery in the morning tomorrow? It's Saturday and it's our last day here." She asked picking her bag. He didn't understand what was going on.
"I am sorry Lavanya," he apologized standing up. "We are going to take a flight back tonight. I was going to tell you that soon," he said biting his lower lip. She looked at him passively and tried not think too much into it. But the answer for his urgency was half part her and half part realization.
"Do you mind if I stayed here in London for another week?" She asked him suddenly. She now knew where his heart was and she wasn't going to stick around and witness her own heartbreak. Once back, the pattern of events would play out in a way which would only make her heart ache and loneliness pronounced.
"Of course you can. But why do you want to spend a week here?" He asked her confused at her reaction.
"I need a vacation Arnav and a change of pace. I will stick around and see how things are done here. If that's okay with you," She asked him hoping that she would be given what she was asking for.
He finally understood what she was actually saying. He sighed and pulled her into his arms. She held him tightly fully knowing that this was the last time she would be holding him as her boyfriend. The decision had become evident the night before when they were strolling next to the river and his answer now only cemented the fact.
"I don't want to be your girlfriend anymore," she whispered in his ears. Her voice choked up and she let out a sob holding him tighter. "I am the one who said I was your girlfriend and now I am the one who is breaking up with you."
"I am sorry Lavanya," he whispered in her ears and held her. His respect for the woman in his arms increased tenfold for doing what she did.
She had let him go.
Once out of his arms, she smiled at him and waved a goodbye. He smiled at her and watched her till she disappeared out of his sight.
He packed his stuff on table and made way towards his hotel. He had a flight to catch.
The thought of going home brought a face in front of
his eyes and he smiled warmly at that.
To be continued