Chapter 11: Mere dil bhi kitna pagal hai...
Saturday, traditionally, had always been great day
for her. It marked the start of full-on family time when she shopped and cooked
and cleaned along with her sister. She spent an extra hour at the temple on
both days of the weekend cooking in their kitchen and served the hungry during lunch.
Though things in their family had become strained after Payal's wedding
failure, they still got together as a family and kept a momentum going.
However after Wednesday, the last place she wanted
to be was home. After an initial set back she had managed to pick herself up
and become her charming self. She played the part of a perfect daughter - a
standard set by an archaic society and responded to the guests. The prospective
groom had asked her only one question for which she had to sum up all the
willpower to blatantly lie. 'Yes, I would be a home maker.' The truth was, she
wanted to be a homemaker and also a woman with a career; maybe not a stellar
one but where she could spend eight hours a day in learning, discovering and do
something she liked. After the guests left, she had ensured that she wouldn't
make any eye contact with her family or initiate a conversation with them. Ache
had settled in corner of her heart when her parents and her aunt single minded pursued to get her married off as soon as possible.
"Why?" She asked her father the next day after a
long day at work. "Why do you want me to get married to a guy who obviously
doesn't want me to work in future?"
"Khushi..." Her father's sentence was cut by her aunt.
"He is a good guy and they are good family." Her
aunt's voice was blunt but was to the point. Khushi smiled thinly without
humor. The guy's parents had made it conspicuously clear about the high regards
they had for traditions and old school thoughts about women in general. They
had admonished Khushi for her act in Payal's wedding which left a bitter taste
in her mouth. They were clearly unhappy with her persona but they were ready to
accept her as a part of their family.
She didn't understand their contradiction of
rejecting morals but accepting the person who upholds them. They were exactly
similar to her family in that aspect.
"Payal is my older sister. Shouldn't she be married
first?" She asked.
"She would have if you hadn't butted in," her aunt
grumbled loudly. This time, the verbal slap didn't hurt her as much as she had
anticipated it to.
"Why can't it be Payal father? If the guy is good
and the family is also good, then why can't Payal marry the guy?" She asked in
one breath. She was met with silence as her father avoided her eyes. Her mother
went back to cutting vegetables but the small shiver in her hands when the
question was thrown out in open gave her all the indication she needed.
"Payal isn't suited for the guy. You are," her
aunt's voice had a strange clinically disassociated ring to it. Khushi looked
at her aunt mutely without knowing how to refute that argument. She wondered if
the alliance to her sister was rejected because she was left at the wedding
pyre alone.
"You will be married in three months. And that's
that." Her aunt gave her one last look and walked out of the living room
leaving the parents and their daughter behind.
"Father..." She looked at the man she had come to
accept and respect as father since she was five years old still couldn't look
her in the eye.
"It's best for all of us Khushi." He said and
followed his older sister's exit. Without another word her mother too followed
him.
She was left alone with her thoughts, emotions and
feelings in their living room and suddenly she felt as if she was left alone in
the world. She went back to her room and saw Payal reading an old magazine.
Their house wasn't large enough to not to hear what's going on in family room.
It pinched her when Payal didn't acknowledge her presence but continued to read
the magazine. She sighed and laid on bed without changing out of the clothes she
wore for work.
She closed her eyes and finally abdicated the
feeling she had been fighting since previous afternoon. She turned her back at
Payal so that the tears that formed in her eyes would remain hidden from her
sister. She had gone to work in morning fully knowing that he wouldn't be there. The residue of his presence was all over the
work place and more than once, she had looked up at the glass structure as a
habit. His absence resonated loudly around her making the space she was in,
void.
She missed him. And she had accepted that fact the
moment he told her that he would be gone for close to four days.
Rain splattered across her window on gloomy Saturday
morning and all the usual weekend plans were put to rest. She usually woke up
an hour or two later than usual work days and that Saturday was no different
from the previous ones. However it was due to the fact that she was tossing and
turning for most part of the night, her dreams haunted by shadows of unknown
stranger and being left alone in a strange world. She had shouted 'Arnav' several
hundred times till her voice went hoarse and her throat bled. Yet, he hadn't
come. The dream had felt very real and very scary and she had gotten up from
half asleep state with his name on her tongue. She had immediately checked to
see if Payal had heard her and to her relief she was met with a soundly
sleeping Payal.
Sleep hadn't come after that and in the darkness of
the night and warmth of her blanket, she accepted to herself that she was
really, really attracted to him. And this time it wasn't a school girl crush
but something much serious and much complicated.
For once, she had surrendered to the dream of being
accepted by him and slipping into his embrace under a full moon night. Unknown
warmth had flooded with that dream and sleep had finally taken her deep into
its womb.
She sat on portico floor watched rain cleanse and
wet everything in its wake. It was already early evening and the rain was a
constant chatter for most part of the day. Her thoughts were disturbed when she
heard a discussion about her and the alliance between her father and her aunt. Couple
of days earlier, her father had said that her marriage was best for everyone. Something
was permanently stuck in her throat when her father had said like that. Her
entire life was going to get changed and her individuality would probably be
permanently damaged if she was to marry the guy yet her father hadn't
considered that in his response.
She stood up and walked inside the house and stood
in front of her aunt and father who stopped conversing seeing her come.
"I don't think..." She started but couldn't bring
herself to complete it. Her father understood what she wanted to say but he
didn't dare utter it in open. It would trigger arguments and discussions where
he would be looked upon by two different parties to intervene and support them.
He knew that for once, he wouldn't be able to
support Khushi. And the thought scared him.
"Your wedding is in three months," her aunt said
looking straight at her.
"Tell me why?" Khushi asked her father looking at
him and ignored her aunt.
"I already told you..."
"I am not talking to you," she said, half yelling.
"This is between my father and me. And I have to know the answer." She said
adamant about her request. Her father looked at her and saw a strong young
woman seeking truth. In all fairness, Khushi's question did demand an answer.
"Do you want me out of your lives?" She asked
tonelessly.
"Khushi!" It was her mother who had yelled her name
from kitchen.
"Am I wrong?" Khushi asked her mother in a monotone.
"We want you to marry the man because he rejected
Payal." The answer wasn't expected one.
"How is this okay mother? Have you ever thought how
Payal would feel when you pull of a stunt like this?" She thundered.
"We were living in humiliation every day. We cannot
afford to be choosy about what we want and what we don't, Try understanding
that Khushi. You started it all and as elders we will do everything we can to
fix it." Her mother said.
"If I do get married to the guy then my sister would
feel insulted every time she would see me or hear me or even think about me. Have
you ever thought of that?" Khushi's voice had lost the earlier edge and now it
was just exhausted. Her mother looked at her unable to respond. Regret flashed
across the older woman's face and Khushi witnessed it.
"I wish for once you thought about Payal than
thinking about yourselves." She said in a defeated tone and walked back to her
room. She stopped before she entered the room.
"I know you want me to marry the guy for all yours
sake but I am not going to marry him at the cost of my sister's pride." She
said and walked inside.
Brushing off her tears, she changed her clothes and
picked up her bag. Without caring to braid her hair, she scurried out.
"Where are you going?" Payal asked hurrying behind
her. She had heard the entire conversation Khushi had had with their mother and
felt incredibly proud of little sister. "Khushi, please stop." She begged.
Khushi complied at her request.
"I am going to office. Don't wait up, I might be
late." She said and took a step outside. The mild drizzle soothed her warm
cheeks and she broke into a run to avoid complete drenching. After deciding to
take an auto instead of bus, she reached office in record time. She ran past
security flashing her badge so that she could get out of rain soon. Once at her
desk, she allowed herself to relax in warmth of office and the silence it
offered.
She knew that truthfully she liked being where she
was because she associated that space to him and her. Her cubicle witnessed
their interaction and held the words exchanged between them in its walls. She closed
her eyes and let her rationality succumb to fantasy for moment. She could smell
his mild aftershave, rustle of his crisp suit, soft footfalls of his leather
shoes and the essence of him surrounding her. The worries left her muscles and
her face relaxed into an easy smile. She opened her eyes and booted her
computer.
For now, she would forget everything that happened
at home and work on the risk model. It was the only way she knew to keep a
check on her sanity.
*****
"You have been awfully quiet since last night,"
Lavanya said looking at Arnav who was typing on his laptop. It was glorious
Friday afternoon which had the two of them sitting in a caf. "Our work is done
for the day Arnav," she instilled whining to put across a point.
"I have to finish this email Lavanya," he said
softly not looking at her.
"Please don't do this to me," she said, her voice
pleading. Arnav looked up from laptop surprise evident in his eyes.
"What are you saying Lavanya?" He asked not
understanding what she was saying.
"Don't start ignoring me after what I said last
night," she said, her eyes covering with thin layer of water.
"I am not ignoring you Lavanya," he said in a
placating tone.
"Stop patronizing me and tell me honestly," she said
and wiped an errant tear that had managed to escape her eyes.
"Tell you what?" He asked clenching his teeth fully
knowing what she was insinuating.
"Do you love me?" She asked without beating around
the bush anymore.
"Lavanya..." He didn't know how to respond. He didn't want
to respond. The realization had come to him the night before that the person he
wanted to tell that to wasn't Lavanya.
"Answer yes or no," she stopped him.
His throat constricted by the look on her face and without
finding a voice to give her response, he shook her head. She squeezed her eyes
shut and breathed several times trying to contain the hurt that was trying to
burst out in tears. After several moments she regained her composure and became
the woman he always admired her to be. Admiration - he would always accept.
Attraction - there was ample amounts of it. Love - definitely not. He was very
sure of that.
"I knew that was going to be your answer, you know?"
She said opening her compact and started to brush her cheeks. He didn't reply
to that. He wondered why she wouldn't go to rest room to get powdered. Once satisfied
with that, she reapplied the lipstick and glossed it once over. She angled her
head to check her overall appearance in compact mirror and when she felt it was
good, she snapped the compact shut.
"Generally you are mouthing this and that but when
truth really hits you, you go quiet." She said looking at him plaintively. Again,
he didn't respond. "I know you don't love me because if you had, you would have
shown it in your eyes and I would have known." She replied and offered him a
soft smile and stood up. He looked puzzled.
"Shall we go to National Gallery in the morning
tomorrow? It's Saturday and it's our last day here." She asked picking her bag.
He didn't understand what was going on.
"I am sorry Lavanya," he apologized standing up. "We
are going to take a flight back tonight. I was going to tell you that soon," he
said biting his lower lip. She looked at him passively and tried not think too
much into it. But the answer for his urgency was half part her and half part
realization.
"Do you mind if I stayed here in London for another
week?" She asked him suddenly. She now knew where his heart was and she wasn't going
to stick around and witness her own heartbreak. Once back, the pattern of
events would play out in a way which would only make her heart ache and loneliness
pronounced.
"Of course you can. But why do you want to spend a
week here?" He asked her confused at her reaction.
"I need a vacation Arnav and a change of pace. I will
stick around and see how things are done here. If that's okay with you," She
asked him hoping that she would be given what she was asking for.
He finally understood what she was actually saying.
He sighed and pulled her into his arms. She held him tightly fully knowing that
this was the last time she would be holding him as her boyfriend. The decision
had become evident the night before when they were strolling next to the river
and his answer now only cemented the fact.
"I don't want to be your girlfriend anymore," she
whispered in his ears. Her voice choked up and she let out a sob holding him
tighter. "I am the one who said I was your girlfriend and now I am the one who
is breaking up with you."
"I am sorry Lavanya," he whispered in her ears and
held her. His respect for the woman in his arms increased tenfold for doing
what she did.
She had let him go.
Once out of his arms, she smiled at him and waved a
goodbye. He smiled at her and watched her till she disappeared out of his
sight.
He packed his stuff on table and made way towards
his hotel. He had a flight to catch.
The thought of going home brought a face in front of
his eyes and he smiled warmly at that.
To be continued
Edited by Thyme - 11 years ago
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