Okay people,, this is for all you AshNiacs out there...AshNimania seems to have hit a new high after yesterday's epi and we all agree that those droolworthy AshNi eyelocks are the stuff that all romantic dreams are made of!
This is going back to the speech day, the day when Ashu all but poured out his heart in front of a roomful of people, doctors, professionals at a convention, where he should have been on his strictest demeanour. But love has a way of creeping into our thoughts and feelings and expressions no matter where we are and what we are doing and this is precisely what happened with Ashu. His feelings were so strong they could not be contained and he blurted them out..in front of strangers, his colleagues, his professional counterparts without a care. It came across as a Sabak, a lesson that he learnt from his junior, but we AshNiacs know better, he's silently professing his love, his deep respect and his adoration for the love of his life, with abandon, without a care, not knowing she's present in the same room listening to him! If I were Nidhi, I'd have run straight into his arms, pummelled him with my fists and asked him straight out... itna pyaar aur saath mein inkaar aur takraar? Jab main aapke liye duniya se ladne ke liye tayyar hoon????kyon???
Here's my take on what Nidhi should have been feeling on the day...
I enter the convention room with trepidation knowing I was running late. I was finally in Mumbai, whether because I really wanted to be or out of defiance to what Rohan said about me running scared and being afraid of finding happiness, I do not know! That guy has the irritating habit of hitting me where it hurts the most! I was wallowing, yes, but I had the right to wallow. After all it's the first time I'm so deeply, completely and irrevocably in love, and I've been hurt, hurt so bad, by the object of my affection, the man of my dreams, the only man I will ever want or love. Right now I'm hurt, angry at his callous treatment of me, his apparent nonchalance and disdain for me ... But, BUT... I cannot, try as hard as I might, cannot rid myself of the overpowering emotion and love that I still feel for him! What a fool you are, Nidhi! I berate myself angrily! He doesn't care at all and you care too much! Is it worth it? Wasting your life caring for a man who will never love you back? Anji is right, you have to move on! BUT HOW? I ask... How can I move on when every little thing reminds me of him? His beautiful smile, his dear dear face, his warm laughter, his anger, his pain,... Everything about him is so deeply etched in my heart that I can feel it burning me up like a fire I cannot extinguish! Do I have no self- respect, no yearning for self- preservation? How do I make this foolish heart understand? He has branded me with this love I feel, and it's permanent, ever-lasting, forever!!!!! I cannot wipe it away...
I hear the announcement for the first speaker of this convention...his NAME... My ears prick up, my heart hammers painfully in my chest at the sound of his name... HE WAS HERE!!!! I look around frantically, my restless heart dying to catch a glimpse of him, my pulse racing madly! All rational thought leaves me, I only want to see him in front of my eyes! I feel as though my eyes exist only to see him, my ears only to hear him and my heart only to love him! That my whole purpose for existing was to love HIM!!!
He walks up the dais in that usual self- assured manner of his, I cringe and slide down lower in my seat! OH GOD!! Seeing him before me has brought back all the feelings, all the emotions that I was keeping so tightly in check! I had reined myself in so tightly against my feelings, and now just one look at that dear, familiar face, and my emotions were threatening to gush forth, my stupid heart dancing for joy on beholding him!
He begins his speech, his strong, rich, warm baritone filling the auditorium. He begins by saying he had prepared a paper to present but he wasn't going to talk about that. Instead he is going to share a lesson he had learnt that cannot be studied in books... a lesson in life, that one of his juniors, an intern had taught him!... I sit up immediately, my ears pricking up! Is it possible, can it be???? Did he mean me???? He talks about how this girl had charmed the children in the hospital by telling them stories and entertaining them, so much so, that they looked forward to getting injections!! I am flabbergasted! He IS talking about me!!! My heart, my crazy foolish heart swells up with hope and love.. All over again! I stare at him, flushing with joy at his compliments and secretly feeling pride and a sense of achievement! He speaks with fondness, pride and a certain something... a wistfulness, a longing, something I cannot place my finger on! My heart is dancing for joy, falling again into those wild, beautiful depths of emotion, but at the same time feeling as though it's been pierced with sharp arrows! My love for him is shining through in all its intensity, the glow of the feeling enrapturing me, filling me up, drowning me in it's depth...,my eyes are brimming with tears, that threaten to burst forth. I hurriedly wipe them away, conscious of where I am. I think back to all those beautiful moments that we shared talking to those sweet, innocent orphaned children.. The stories we weaved together to amuse them, the story of the king and the mischievous butterfly who set him free, unlocked his secrets, broke through his shell and dispelled the darkness from his dreary life! Encouraged him to love and be loved! All because, the butterfly loved him too...deeply, madly, passionately... she was willing to do anything to see the king happy... THe tears threaten to spill over and flood my cheeks... I am overcome... I cannot believe he's speaking about me, ME!!! In that poignant manner and saying, oh so sweetly that I had taught him, that HE, HE... an accomplished, skilled, brilliant surgeon had learnt life's valuable lesson from ME, a mere intern!!! To an assembly of virtuosos, professionals, doctors, skilled in their craft ... In the opening speech of an All India convention! My heart is spilling over with happiness! I am hugging myself in glee! As I wonder at his humility and generosity in lavishing such warm praise on me... And look at him speaking confidently on the dais, my foolish, insatiable heart falls in love with him all over again!!!
But then rational thought rears it's ugly head! NIdhi, my mind sternly tells me... HE is the one that threw you out for incompetence! For making mistakes at the job! How then can you believe his words? It's treachery.. It's some kind of trick, he doesn't mean it.. It's just a gimmick to get people's attention at the conference, my mind tells me harshly, shaking me out my happy thoughts!
NO, NO, my gullible heart argues in it's stupidity ... He feels something too, he cannot be putting on an act! It's all true, he means it, I have been an influence on him in a small, insignificant way maybe, but still it's a small victory, maybe I've carved a tiny place for myself in his heart...maybe not love, but at least professional respect, he thinks well of me...and that's a beginning, a promising start!
Oh, you are DUMB!! He has hurt you over and over and still you never learn, says my mind cruelly... When it comes to him all reason and thought leaves you, your brains get addled with love.. Come on, face it, girl, if he felt anything for you, he'd never have thrown you out.. at Mallika's or anyone else's insistence. Why did he treat you so callously, so disdainfully? Your career was ruined, your self- respect took a beating.. Have you no love for yourself, girl! How can you still long for a man who treats you like dirt?
But, but..my heart sputters in protest, it's obvious from today's speech that he thinks well of me. Maybe something else, maybe some extenuating circumstances made him dismiss me, my heart is clutching at straws now, madly, crazily wanting to believe, to hope...
WHAT circumstances? My mind is yelling at me now... How can you justify this harshness, this cruelty on his part? His act was unforgivable and you are fishing for excuses to justify it? Grow up, Nidhi and grow out of your dream world! You are deluding yourself by believing he feels something for you... You have to kill this feeling and move on, that is the only therapy for you now!
MY heart is confused...oh, so, so confused.. And torn ...between love, pain, anger, hurt...in a turmoil, not able to take the emotional holocaust...finally it falls silent...wearily weakening and bowing down before my mind's logic and reason. But somewhere deep inside the pain, the throbbing, constant ache reminds me over and over that following my mind's advice is going to be very, very hard! And there will be times, like now, when the deep ache that I try so hard to bury deep within me, will surface and transform into the overwhelming, overpowering love that I feel... My mind may have won the battle for now... But what about the war that is still waging in my heart?
Pls be generous with ur likes and comments...
Edited by LizzieBennett - 16 December 2011 at 2:40am