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There has been some dispute over the "real" winners of the recently concluded DKS show. There has been some confusion over what the parameters were for winning. Reality TV ought to be simple like feeling good about how stupid the kids of Jersey shore are. Unfortunately, the Indian shows are complicated and expect you to distinguish between continuous and discrete probabilities. Next thing we know DID 7 is the winner of the recently concluded DKS show based on some derivatives and regressive trending. Zee has the patented formula.
Anyway, I thought to seek out some outside expertise to determine the winner. I first contacted Charlie Sheen because of his "winning" ways.
Anyway, I thought to seek out some outside expertise to determine the winner. I first contacted Charlie Sheen because of his "winning" ways.
Unfortunately, his addictions proved too strong and he declared himself the winner. That brought us back to square on as Jai and Charlie engaged in twitter wars over the "definitions of winning", while Dharmesh fans said even if Charlie is addicted to winning, its clearly obvious that Dharmesh can win better.
So as second alternative I picked two leading women from my favorite television show. As members of a successful show choir they have great musicality and know what song and dance is all about. They make a great team. As for their qualifications.
Brittany can dance
So as second alternative I picked two leading women from my favorite television show. As members of a successful show choir they have great musicality and know what song and dance is all about. They make a great team. As for their qualifications.
Brittany can dance
And Santana can judge
However, most important of all Santana can handle any issues we have with disgruntled stars or fans.
However, most important of all Santana can handle any issues we have with disgruntled stars or fans.
So without further ado, let me pass the stage to Brittany and Santana so they can get the judging on the way.
Santana: You might think its awful nice of me to come all the way down here to see some groupies shake some booty, Don't. Glee club has nationals in a week and we need something fresh. I've heard that you Bollywood types have some special moves, so I came down to see if one of you could give us an edge.
Brittany: I just wanted to see why you're "sorry" about it. I think it looks pretty.
Santana: And we have to fly to New York soon, so this better go through quickly. Some of you suckers may not get a chance, so all I can say is suck on it. First contestant
Prince: Hi, I'm Prince, I'll be doing some locking and popping.
Brittany: So how do you say your name?
Prince: My name is Prince.
Brittany: But how do you say it, like does that squiggly symbol thing like a music note? Do I need a flute to say it?
Santana: He is Prince not the artist formerly known as Prince.
Brittany: Shucks. I always wanted to see what Purple Rain looked like.
Prince: I can do a tissue dance , its just like rain, but with paper, and dry
Brittany: Thats like magic. I like magic tricks.
Santana: Thats actually stupid, stupid face, and your hair looks like you washed it with a slushie and stuck it in a freezer. Now dance.
Santana: You might think its awful nice of me to come all the way down here to see some groupies shake some booty, Don't. Glee club has nationals in a week and we need something fresh. I've heard that you Bollywood types have some special moves, so I came down to see if one of you could give us an edge.
Brittany: I just wanted to see why you're "sorry" about it. I think it looks pretty.
Santana: And we have to fly to New York soon, so this better go through quickly. Some of you suckers may not get a chance, so all I can say is suck on it. First contestant
Prince: Hi, I'm Prince, I'll be doing some locking and popping.
Brittany: So how do you say your name?
Prince: My name is Prince.
Brittany: But how do you say it, like does that squiggly symbol thing like a music note? Do I need a flute to say it?
Santana: He is Prince not the artist formerly known as Prince.
Brittany: Shucks. I always wanted to see what Purple Rain looked like.
Prince: I can do a tissue dance , its just like rain, but with paper, and dry
Brittany: Thats like magic. I like magic tricks.
Santana: Thats actually stupid, stupid face, and your hair looks like you washed it with a slushie and stuck it in a freezer. Now dance.
*prince proceeds to perform his best ever tissue dance*
Brittany: I'm disappointed, I wanted some rain.
Santana: Look boy we already have a dancing Asian and he does all those freaky moves and more. We don't need another Asian freak show. Thats too much Asian concentration. With that hair have you considered forming a K-Pop band.
Prince: But I'm not Asian, I'm Indian.
Santana: Do I look like I care? Next.
Punit: Hi I'm Punit and I'll be doing modern contemporary
Santana: I never get why they call it that. Its like calling antiques old or something like that. Its all the same. You should consider renaming your genre, right now it makes no sense.
Brittany: You should call it Congress, I hear they don't make sense either.
Santana: Look boy we already have a dancing Asian and he does all those freaky moves and more. We don't need another Asian freak show. Thats too much Asian concentration. With that hair have you considered forming a K-Pop band.
Prince: But I'm not Asian, I'm Indian.
Santana: Do I look like I care? Next.
Punit: Hi I'm Punit and I'll be doing modern contemporary
Santana: I never get why they call it that. Its like calling antiques old or something like that. Its all the same. You should consider renaming your genre, right now it makes no sense.
Brittany: You should call it Congress, I hear they don't make sense either.
*Punit performs an interpretive dance with his best agitated expression*
Brittany: You remind me of Lauren . Only your a guy and smaller. Your booty is too small for my taste.
Santana: Look Simba, I don't care for your Lion King interpretations. What was that, Simba and Scar battling hyenas with an epileptic seizure?
Punit: No its modern contemporary, expressing nature through dance.
Santana: This is show choir and not some documentary about animal mating rituals. Next!
Siddhesh: Hi my name is Siddhesh and I will be dancing Single Ladies.
Brittany: Awesome! I love that song. I like dancing with Kurt.
*Siddhesh performs Single Ladies better than three black women put together, almost as good as Justin Timberlake, He is the most convincing single lady ever.*
Brittany: Thats hot! You want to make out?
Santana: Are you mocking me? Do I smell like a golf course to you? We've already crossed the boys singing girls songs bridge and now you want glee club to have some cross dressing transvestite doing girl songs.
Siddhesh: I don't think you understand the difference between transvestites and crossdressing
Santana: Did I ask for your opinion? You can go bump and grind with the Jonas Brothers cross dressing as Beyonce, but I draw the line at Kurt. At least he is normal. You should go get that female fetish of yours checked out. Next!
Brittany: You should call me.
Dharmesh: Hi my name is Dharmesh and my fans call me D-Sir or D-virus.
Brittany: D? Thats like one grade better than an F.
Santana: What sort of a name is D-Sir. Thats like totally D-grading. Do they call you D-Head and D-bag as well? And Virus, who calls someone a virus? Are you like a fatal epidemic?
Dharmesh: Its just fans. I just dance for them.
Brittany: Coach Sylvester gave me a V in phy-ed.
Santana: Brittany, you can't get lower than an F.
Brittany: She said it was for too much scissoring. Its ok I was 69th in class so I passed.
Santana: There were only 17 students in class, I was there in the same class
Brittany: Coach Sylvester said that explained my grade. I don't get it.
Santana: Thats enough about school. Show us your stuff D-Kong.
Santana: Look Simba, I don't care for your Lion King interpretations. What was that, Simba and Scar battling hyenas with an epileptic seizure?
Punit: No its modern contemporary, expressing nature through dance.
Santana: This is show choir and not some documentary about animal mating rituals. Next!
Siddhesh: Hi my name is Siddhesh and I will be dancing Single Ladies.
Brittany: Awesome! I love that song. I like dancing with Kurt.
*Siddhesh performs Single Ladies better than three black women put together, almost as good as Justin Timberlake, He is the most convincing single lady ever.*
Brittany: Thats hot! You want to make out?
Santana: Are you mocking me? Do I smell like a golf course to you? We've already crossed the boys singing girls songs bridge and now you want glee club to have some cross dressing transvestite doing girl songs.
Siddhesh: I don't think you understand the difference between transvestites and crossdressing
Santana: Did I ask for your opinion? You can go bump and grind with the Jonas Brothers cross dressing as Beyonce, but I draw the line at Kurt. At least he is normal. You should go get that female fetish of yours checked out. Next!
Brittany: You should call me.
Dharmesh: Hi my name is Dharmesh and my fans call me D-Sir or D-virus.
Brittany: D? Thats like one grade better than an F.
Santana: What sort of a name is D-Sir. Thats like totally D-grading. Do they call you D-Head and D-bag as well? And Virus, who calls someone a virus? Are you like a fatal epidemic?
Dharmesh: Its just fans. I just dance for them.
Brittany: Coach Sylvester gave me a V in phy-ed.
Santana: Brittany, you can't get lower than an F.
Brittany: She said it was for too much scissoring. Its ok I was 69th in class so I passed.
Santana: There were only 17 students in class, I was there in the same class
Brittany: Coach Sylvester said that explained my grade. I don't get it.
Santana: Thats enough about school. Show us your stuff D-Kong.
*Dharmesh performs his best signature routine ever. All fans have a major D-gasm*
Brittany: You are good. I'm like in awe, so good. You should dance with Michael Chang for Glee Club.
Santana: Thats acceptable. As I said, I ain't looking for more freaky Asians. Can you show us more? Something of my choice?
Dharmesh: Sure, anything for you.
Santana: How about Push It by Salt N' Pepa. Brittany can dance with you. I want to see you groove with a lady.
Brittany: This is awesome! That song made me so want to join Glee! Club. So this is how you do it D-Bomb. You hold me right here, and then you lead me.
Dharmesh: Like this?
Brittany: Thats good. But lead with your hips, roll your waist and feel sexy.
Dharmesh: Like this?
Brittany: Thats kind of how my little brother hoola hoops. You got to feel it, feel the funk, groove your body to the rhythm and feel the swing. Loosen up a little, your leading a girl, don't lock and pop its like hip hop but be more loose like the Dougie.
Santana: Enough of this nonsense. Whats wrong with you D-Bot? One moment you are brilliant and now you're all frigid like my aunt D-Anna, the nun with the dislocated hip. I know you want to put the Glee! Club in the backseat and shine for yourself.
Dharmesh: No, I'm just shy thats all.
Santana: Well you ain't fakin with me. I already have Rachel Berry to contend with. I can't see Mr. Schue won't see my potential and now you conspire to come along with all your groupies and then you will get us all out of Glee club and call it D-Ee club. Did Coach Sylvester put you up to this?
Dharmesh: I don't know what you are talking about.
Santana: Just get out of my face or I'll have to go all Lima heights on you.
Brittany: You don't want Lima heights. I'm auditioning to dance for Ke$ha's tour. You should totally audition too.
Santana: Next
Jai: Hi my name is Jai Kumar Nair and I am doing broadway contemporary to a mashup of Singin in the Rain and Umbrella
Santana: Wait, Jai you are the one right.
Jai: The one what?
Santana: Brittany, He's the one I told you about. Bad Ass like Puckerman, Zizes and Me.. They say he's a child abuser.
Jai: No thats not true.
Santana: So what did you do?
Jai: No. I'm not into children that way.
Santana: Of course not, or else you'd be the priest at our church. But what did you do? Do you shove them so that the ice-cream falls out their hands? Did you make fun of their braces and eyeglasses? Or worse spoil that Dumbledore dies?
Brittany: I can't believe you ruined Harry Potter forever for me.
Jai: No not that:
Santana: You don't date underage girls right?
Jai: No, of course not! it was just about dancing. I posted some mean messages about their dancing. Its in the past now
Santana: So you told them they danced like a drunken monkey on an electric fence? Did you tell them that they sucked and the Coach Sylvester of life will crush them like a fly? How much did they cry?
Jai: No nothing like that. Leave it now.
Santana: Thats disappointing. Now dance.
Santana: Thats acceptable. As I said, I ain't looking for more freaky Asians. Can you show us more? Something of my choice?
Dharmesh: Sure, anything for you.
Santana: How about Push It by Salt N' Pepa. Brittany can dance with you. I want to see you groove with a lady.
Brittany: This is awesome! That song made me so want to join Glee! Club. So this is how you do it D-Bomb. You hold me right here, and then you lead me.
Dharmesh: Like this?
Brittany: Thats good. But lead with your hips, roll your waist and feel sexy.
Dharmesh: Like this?
Brittany: Thats kind of how my little brother hoola hoops. You got to feel it, feel the funk, groove your body to the rhythm and feel the swing. Loosen up a little, your leading a girl, don't lock and pop its like hip hop but be more loose like the Dougie.
Santana: Enough of this nonsense. Whats wrong with you D-Bot? One moment you are brilliant and now you're all frigid like my aunt D-Anna, the nun with the dislocated hip. I know you want to put the Glee! Club in the backseat and shine for yourself.
Dharmesh: No, I'm just shy thats all.
Santana: Well you ain't fakin with me. I already have Rachel Berry to contend with. I can't see Mr. Schue won't see my potential and now you conspire to come along with all your groupies and then you will get us all out of Glee club and call it D-Ee club. Did Coach Sylvester put you up to this?
Dharmesh: I don't know what you are talking about.
Santana: Just get out of my face or I'll have to go all Lima heights on you.
Brittany: You don't want Lima heights. I'm auditioning to dance for Ke$ha's tour. You should totally audition too.
Santana: Next
Jai: Hi my name is Jai Kumar Nair and I am doing broadway contemporary to a mashup of Singin in the Rain and Umbrella
Santana: Wait, Jai you are the one right.
Jai: The one what?
Santana: Brittany, He's the one I told you about. Bad Ass like Puckerman, Zizes and Me.. They say he's a child abuser.
Jai: No thats not true.
Santana: So what did you do?
Jai: No. I'm not into children that way.
Santana: Of course not, or else you'd be the priest at our church. But what did you do? Do you shove them so that the ice-cream falls out their hands? Did you make fun of their braces and eyeglasses? Or worse spoil that Dumbledore dies?
Brittany: I can't believe you ruined Harry Potter forever for me.
Jai: No not that:
Santana: You don't date underage girls right?
Jai: No, of course not! it was just about dancing. I posted some mean messages about their dancing. Its in the past now
Santana: So you told them they danced like a drunken monkey on an electric fence? Did you tell them that they sucked and the Coach Sylvester of life will crush them like a fly? How much did they cry?
Jai: No nothing like that. Leave it now.
Santana: Thats disappointing. Now dance.
*Jai performs the most exquisite dance, mastering the umbrella prop like a pro*
Brittany: That was beautiful and elegant and rare. Like Santana when she laughs with the wind in her hair.
Santana: You're kind of disappointing you know.
Jai: I know. You are going to trash me. Everyone said you are a b**ch. But I didn't believe. I believed in dancing and I thought you believed in dancing. But now you think I am a child abuser and you will be holding it against me and give me less marks. I should just quit this biased show now.
Santana: Hold on there. Yes, I am straight up B**ch. And being that I can appreciate someone who can be a b**ch just like I can. Glee Club could do with some attitude, and I could have done with someone to bring Rachel down and trash Quinn. But you disappoint me. Because your actually kind of a pansy, more of a sensitive Diva like Kurt or a wannabe star like Rachel and that nauseates me. But I was going to look past all that and pick you because I liked what you got, and I think you had potential to be molded under my wings. Now I'm not sure anymore. Clearly you have no appreciation of a b**ch and have no ambitions to come under wings and learn how to crush people around you. How dare you accuse me of being biased against abusers. I live for abusing. For that reason I have to crush you. Come back when you really learn to abuse someone.
Brittany: Wow! Thats harsh.
Santana: And ironic. Next.
Brittany: Someone should get him a cookie
Kishore: Hi I'm Kishore and I'm going to do a folk dance.
Santana: Check out that mane.
Brittany: Is that a Jewfro or an Afro?
Kishore: I don't understand?
Brittany: Like your big hair - Are you Jewish or African?
Santana: Don't be stupid Brittany, he just has big hair.
Brittany: No one on Glee club has big hair.
Santana: Its been a long time since we did hairography. Maybe thats the key to nationals.
Brittany: I can headbang to spin my hair, but its not as cool as a fro.
Santana: I think he can be easily paired with Rachel or Mercedes.
Brittany: A Jew or an African
Santana: Shut up thats racist. Only I say things like that.
Brittany: I think we should take him. I can put beads in his hair.
Santana: For once I agree. I think we have a winner.
Brittany: Can I touch your hair
Kishore: I guess
Santana: Thank you everyone. We never dreamed that hair would be the criteria for winning. However, when we saw Kishore's hair we realized how much the Glee Club needed big hair. So we chose the winner based on hair. It seems unfair, but sometimes in life you improvise and go with the flow like that. Many of you are waiting to perform and I'm sorry time is of essence, we have to go now. If we don't win nationals we can come back and look for more talent. Ladies I'd suggest filing your nails. Who knows what the next criteria could be. Bye for now.
Wow, that was a bizarre twist. Who knew Jalwa would win based on hair? I mean in the end you have to admit that Kishore has some amazing hair. Now some people may argue that Prince has the best slushie frozen hair or that Jai has sleek long locks, but clearly the arbitrary criteria was the fro and no one has a great fro. Not even Dharmesh.
Amrita: Maybe next criteria will be Yayayayayayaya
Jai: Then I'll scream louder than you.
Santana: You're kind of disappointing you know.
Jai: I know. You are going to trash me. Everyone said you are a b**ch. But I didn't believe. I believed in dancing and I thought you believed in dancing. But now you think I am a child abuser and you will be holding it against me and give me less marks. I should just quit this biased show now.
Santana: Hold on there. Yes, I am straight up B**ch. And being that I can appreciate someone who can be a b**ch just like I can. Glee Club could do with some attitude, and I could have done with someone to bring Rachel down and trash Quinn. But you disappoint me. Because your actually kind of a pansy, more of a sensitive Diva like Kurt or a wannabe star like Rachel and that nauseates me. But I was going to look past all that and pick you because I liked what you got, and I think you had potential to be molded under my wings. Now I'm not sure anymore. Clearly you have no appreciation of a b**ch and have no ambitions to come under wings and learn how to crush people around you. How dare you accuse me of being biased against abusers. I live for abusing. For that reason I have to crush you. Come back when you really learn to abuse someone.
Brittany: Wow! Thats harsh.
Santana: And ironic. Next.
Brittany: Someone should get him a cookie
Kishore: Hi I'm Kishore and I'm going to do a folk dance.
Santana: Check out that mane.
Brittany: Is that a Jewfro or an Afro?
Kishore: I don't understand?
Brittany: Like your big hair - Are you Jewish or African?
Santana: Don't be stupid Brittany, he just has big hair.
Brittany: No one on Glee club has big hair.
Santana: Its been a long time since we did hairography. Maybe thats the key to nationals.
Brittany: I can headbang to spin my hair, but its not as cool as a fro.
Santana: I think he can be easily paired with Rachel or Mercedes.
Brittany: A Jew or an African
Santana: Shut up thats racist. Only I say things like that.
Brittany: I think we should take him. I can put beads in his hair.
Santana: For once I agree. I think we have a winner.
Brittany: Can I touch your hair
Kishore: I guess
Santana: Thank you everyone. We never dreamed that hair would be the criteria for winning. However, when we saw Kishore's hair we realized how much the Glee Club needed big hair. So we chose the winner based on hair. It seems unfair, but sometimes in life you improvise and go with the flow like that. Many of you are waiting to perform and I'm sorry time is of essence, we have to go now. If we don't win nationals we can come back and look for more talent. Ladies I'd suggest filing your nails. Who knows what the next criteria could be. Bye for now.
Wow, that was a bizarre twist. Who knew Jalwa would win based on hair? I mean in the end you have to admit that Kishore has some amazing hair. Now some people may argue that Prince has the best slushie frozen hair or that Jai has sleek long locks, but clearly the arbitrary criteria was the fro and no one has a great fro. Not even Dharmesh.
Amrita: Maybe next criteria will be Yayayayayayaya
Jai: Then I'll scream louder than you.
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