Posted: 13 June 2011 at 10:07am | IP Logged
Originally posted by a little faithChapter Five.
I liked the surreal milieu of the opening setting. Before breakfast, Shanaya gave us all pills, and watched as
we took them. It was creepy. No one said a word, just held out their hands and
took the pill. Nicely done! Where everything seems normal and yet is a place for those who do not conform to it. That sinister edge that remains hidden, although you can feel its presence, so that you can not do anything but follow, obey whilst wishing that you hadn't. would
explain everything later and I should take it. So, I did. Excellently done!
I loved the detailing of the conversation where you expand the characterizations yet still keep us engaged in the trivial aspects of the dialogue that are in fact wonderfully intriguing, for example the stuttering tangent.
If being happy was being mentally ill, it wasn't so bad. Cute.
peeled, my mind started to wander..into places I'd rather not visit. I loved the introducing peeling, as she peeled the layers of her mind towards that core that she didn't want to visit, excellent phrasing from wandering to visit.
A real guy. Not a ghost. Again your wonderful ability to pull humour from the characterization rather than contrived lines. Skillfully done!
I loved the characterization of Kabir. I am inferring that he will remain the contrast to Abhay and therein explanation of why her heart calls one friend and the other lover. The conversation natural and witty, whilst that closing line succinct and effortlessly done! As she muttered an apology, I made my escape.
That opening line bringing out the intricacies of Misha's characterization whilst being funny. she'd marched down here on her
own, and now she had no idea what to do.
I bet you'll be out of here by the time I open
Again funny but also cleverly illuminating her nature. She would never infer that there were other
motives. He nodded a hello after a while, and turned
his attention back to his food.
It is the use of that after a while
that showcases your gift, for it adds a little humour, the correct ambiance and natural awkwardness too. Skilfully done! Kabir let her talk for about two minutes
before asking me about my college.
Cute and very cute! I glanced around, and
realized that no one would notice if I left. So, I did.
I loved the manner you are moulding her habit. Lovely detailing! I don't start fires. Ask anyone. I just like
Again that layering of a characterization through witty remarks. Excellently done!
Excellently written two chapters. With much love Sabah.
this might go the TVD way, a little. as in, the whole kabir-abhay being brothers thing, but i'm definately not turning him into a devdaasi.
and, thanks for the detailed comment. trust me, your comments are one of my BIGGEST inspirations! thanks for taking out the time & giving me all that feedback.