AR: Midnight Musings...[Blog Link : Page 140] - Page 44

PART 4

It'd been two hours since she came back. I looked at the sofa in front of me. She sat there, with her laptop. The only sound that could be heard was of the keyboard keys being tapped with fury. She'd said it was an article, for work. Turns out, she's a journalist. A freelance writer. I looked at her sitting there, her lips forming a straight line, and I frowned. She hadn't said a WORD to me. No snappy comebacks, nothing. She didn't even say anything when I disconnected her internet and her cell phone. It troubled me to no extent. Did she really not care? I brushed away that thought. With the kind of volatile temper she had, she HAD to have felt angry!

I put down the magazine I'd been pretending to read. I wondered how she'd react if I started a conversation with her. Knowing her, she probably wouldn't react at all. I got up and sat on the bean bag, making myself comfortable. I put my feet up on the sofa and sneaked a glance at her. She saw me, and shot me a dirty look. I fought a smile as I remembered how she was a neat freak. Putting my legs on the sofa was bound to irritate her. I wondered for how long she would remain silent.

Another half an hour passed and the silence was deafening now. I was about to say something, when she got up and started walking towards her room. Looking at her questioningly, I asked her where she was going.

"Don't worry! I'm not running away. Just going to my room to search for a book. DO NOT follow me there!" she replied, narrowing her eyes.

I nodded. It was fifteen minutes later and she hadn't returned yet. Curiosity got the better of me and I took her laptop and started reading the article. There was no article. I fought a laugh I started reading what she'd written.

So I've told him Imma write the article...SCREW the article! Mahnn I'm so freakin' pissed right now! Samajhta kya hai apne aap ko?! Take today morning for example! "Mujhe aise stare mat karo, I know I'm hot!" or something like that! Hot my foot! And he's getting on my nerves! Pata nahi mujhse aise has haske kyun baat karta hai! Aur...aur why he does he have to be so darn good looking! Theek se gussa bhi nahi ho sakti! Bahot distracting hai!

Aur mere kitchen ko toh apna samjhke use karta hai! "Would YOU prefer making me coffee?" Uski coffee banaye meri jooti! Main kyun uski coffee banau? Thank God usne jogging ke liye toh jaane diya! Pata nahi walk karte karte do ghante kab nikal gaye...

And...and he just can't let go of a topic without ending it by making fun of me! Jogging ke liye poocha toh handcuffs ke baare main mazaak karta hai? PAGAL hai! Aur abhi kaise apne pair upar karke baitha hai! He's COMPLETELY ruining my couch! Thodi bhi manners nahi hai! Usse pata hai ki mujhe aisa sab nahi pasand, phir bhi??? Arghh he is hell bent on making me angry! Lekin main bhi usse dikha doongi! I am NOT going to say a single word to him!

And he disconnected my cell phone! MY cell phone! Aur internet bhi! How DARE he? Aise kaise disconnect kar diya? Ab poora din kya uski aarti utaaroon main??? Ugh...kameena saala!

He's annoying, irritating, and a total jerk! Right. Like I needed someone to tell me that! Arghh...

And he just WON'T stop invading my mind! I need to stop thinking about him!!! I am not going to say a word to him. Oh, F**k my life :P

I heard her come back and kept the laptop back in the same position. I took a deep breath, holding back the laughter. I had no idea I'd managed to irritate her like that! Now if only I could make her smile...

She sat on the sofa. I couldn't resist making a comment as I said, "I like the article you wrote..."

The priceless expression on her face almost made me laugh out loud, but I controlled it. She sat there, gaping in horror while I looked on, coolly.

"What the hell do you mean?" she asked me, shocked.

"What do I mean? Nothing except that you write very...well?"

"How much did you read?"

"What kind of a question is that, Riddhima?! I mean, you write so well, that I was completely hooked! I read the whole thing!"

She closed her eyes in defeat and muttered, "Oh shit..."

"Did you say anything?" I asked her, innocently, even though I'd heard her perfectly well.

Her eyes flew open and I could see she was angry. "Say something? Of course I SAID something!!! How DARE you read my article! Don't you have manners? Aur padh bhi liya, uske baad bhi tum mujhse uske baare mein BAAT kar rahe ho? Pagal ho kya? Tum BAHOT annoying ho! Aur zyaada smart banne ki koshish mat karo! Samjhe tum? I don't like you! Not one bit! Tumne padha nahi andar kya likha tha?"

I struggled to keep a straight face as I answered. Scrunching up my face as if I was recollecting what she'd written, just to add to the drama, I said, "Haan! Yaad aaya ki maine kya padha tha!"

"Kya?" she asked, standing over me, tapping her foot impatiently.

"Yahi ki, and I quote ' "Why does he have to be so good looking? Theek se gussa bhi nahi ho sakti! Bahot distracting hai!"...yahi likha tha na?" I asked her, expecting the worst.

She turned purple with anger. "Tumne POORE "article" mein se sirf ye EK line padhi?? How about the part where I say I think you're annoying?"

I laughed. "I know you don't mean it, baby!"

"Don't BABY me! Tum...tum itne ANNOYING ho ki bas!" she said, sputtering in anger.

I sat there, unfazed while she radiated fury from every bone in her body.

"KYA HAI? Don't stare at me!"

"Arre mujhe jo karna hai main karoonga! Tumhe kya?!"

"Mujhe kya? Ye MERA ghar hai!"

"Aur MAIN yahan ek haft eke liye rehne aaya hoon!"

"Toh menmaan ki tarah raho na! Mere ghar ko apna samajhkar aise pair failaa ke kyun baithe ho?"

In response I only settled more deeply in the bean bag, smirking.

She took the pillow in her hands and threw it with all her might at me.

I caught it deftly and said, "Ouch! Riddhima mujhe bahot lag gayi! Tumne itne zor se maara kaise?" I quipped, sarcastically.

She turned and was about to walk away when I took another cushion and threw it at her, making her turn around.

"Oh no you didn't..." she said, and I knew I was treading on dangerous territory.

"Oh yes I DID."

For a second she looked at me, stunned. But after the momentary shock, she picked the pillow up and came towards me, hitting me with it. What then began was something neither of us had anticipated. We had a pillow fight. She hit me, I hit her, not once but again and again until the entire living room looked like it'd been hit by a hurricane.

She was right in front of me holding her cushion up. She threw the cushion at me and distracted as I was by my thoughts, I failed to notice her hurling it towards me and fell down when I tried to duck it, a little too late. I fell on the floor clumsily making everything fall on me. The entire pile of cushions, newspapers etc that was strewn across the room, fell on me. I waved my hands here and there to remove the newspapers and got up, only to be stunned into silence.

There she was, laughing so much that tears of mirth escaped her eyes. She laughed, clutching her stomach. I felt my comeback drown somewhere inside me as I could do nothing but stare at her. She looked beautiful. Her skin was flushed red because of laughing and her hair was open, flying in every direction. My heart warmed at the sight. I hadn't heard her laugh like that in years. And after years, I felt alive. Like there was a reason to live again. And in that moment, I knew I had been wrong when I said that I'd want to see her smile only once before I walked away. I wanted to see her smile, every day of my life. And somewhere I felt a sigh escape my lips while my heart beat slower than ever. I knew what I wanted was never going to be possible. I looked up, willing myself not to think about it. I looked up only to see her walking away. Had she guessed what I thought?

I went in the kitchen, walking distractedly. Try as I may, our memories never ceased to haunt me. Out of the blue I remembered Dmitri's words. Would he really cause a car accident like that? I nodded to myself; he was the kind of person who would go to any length if it got him what he wanted. I steadied myself against the counter for support, as weariness took its toll on me. I was tired. Not physically, but in every other way. I let my body ease itself on the cold marble floor, closing my eyes as the exhaustion sunk it's claws deeper into me. I was tired. Tired, of having to steel myself all the time. Tired, of having to keep my thoughts in check, just so that I don't end up thinking about her. Tired, of the guilt choking me everytime I saw the shadow of pain in her eyes. I was sick and tired of my life and what it'd become. I hadn't killed a single person after she left. Dmitri thought it was just a "phase" but it had lasted for years and so to get rid of it, he'd sent me here. I missed shooting though. I really HAD enjoyed shooting. It was just shooting people I wasn't too fond off. And although I kept telling Dmitri that I'd never shoot again, he kept my training on, making me one of his best shooters. But I was unharnessed potential. And so I'd helped him in other ways, keeping watch over his victims, but everytime it'd come to killing someone I backed off, letting someone else do it. And it had been hard but I did it. I locked my heart away and did what I was supposed to, for I owed Dmitri.

The last two days came alive in front of me, memories of our time together dancing in front of my eyes, mocking me. I loved her too much and this was too painful. But what choice did I have? You could walk away...leave all this. I opened my eyes as I heard my heart whisper to me. I hadn't heard the voice in a long time. It was the voice of a ten year old, innocent and lilting. The voice I had successfully buried along with the person. Being that boy, had given me too much pain, I thought with a sigh.

I walked towards the man in black clothes, carrying the tiny packet inside a rolled newspaper that I carried in one hand and a cup of tea in the other. My thoughts wandered around carelessly, as I thought about how happy Maa would be when she saw the shiny coins. The anticipation of the happiness in her eyes and the desire that she would pat my head affectionately, quickened my pace.

I looked around once [discreetly of course, the big uncle would hit me if someone saw me] and walked over to him, handing him the newspaper. He took the packet and smiled at me, his teeth stained red with all that tobacco. Taking the tea as well, he handed me a shiny new five rupee coin. And I gave him one of my brightest smiles and then ran away, after making sure the coin was safe in my pocket. I'd worn the pants without the hole in the pocket, just for today.

It was dark when I reached our usual meeting spot. I saw Maa, sitting under the tube light and I could see the frown on her face. I ran towards her, calling out to her, but it seemed like she didn't hear me. Going up to her, I hugged her from behind, hoping that for once, she would hug me back and then kiss my forehead as I had seen so many mothers do to their sons. But she pushed me away roughly and looked at me demanding the coins. I blinked back the tears and gave her the shiny coin from the big uncle, and three ten rupee notes that I had managed to earn today. Her eyes gleamed as she snatched the money away and walked towards the bench a few feet away, to sleep.

I looked at her bewilderedly. Would we not have dinner? "Maa? Hum khaana nahi khayenge?"

She turned around, her mouth turned down with distaste. "Maine khaana kha liya hai. Main kya tumhari naukraani hoon jo tumhe khana khilayegi?"

I considered going back to sleep, but my stomach growled, and I thought of trying once again. "Par maa main paise laaya-"

"Toh usme koi bada kaam nahi kiya tumne! Yeh ek hi toh kaam karte ho tum! Apne naalaayak baap jaise ho! An chup chap so jao warna thappad padega!"

I watched her retreating back, the tears making their way out from my eyes. Turning the other way, I curled up under the street light, it's bright luminescence, and the hard pavement, not letting my tired body sleep.

I shut my eyes tightly, fighting back the rush of memories. I wasn't that boy anymore. I was stronger. And no one could destroy me again. Except her. In my life full of darkness, she'd been the only thing I'd look forward too. Still do. No wonder I called her Isa. She had made me forget the hurt, if only for a while. And I'd made an unpardonable mistake. Something that left no room for forgiveness. I got up and ran a hand through my hair, frustrated with life. I wiped the traitor tears that had escaped, managing to make me feel inept at controlling myself. As I turned back, I saw her standing at the doorway, looking at me, her green eyes, full of questions and a few unshed tears. Was she cursing me? For making things turn out the way they have? I deserved no less. As I walked past her I saw her raise her hand but then take it back. Maybe the distances were too wide this time. Whatever it may be, I wasn't ready to face her. Not right now. And so I walked straight, back to the living room, willing myself not to let the floodgates, that had locked away my memories for years, open.

I'd been sitting in the living room, doing nothing just letting my thoughts flow. I stared into the distance, wondering what I would do once this week was over. I knew I'd never be the same again. Walking away from her would scar me forever. I sighed in frustration. I looked at the time. It was 7pm. Getting up, I stretched my legs and moved towards the patio. The sun had set already and the sky looked majestic in hues of purple with a few stars playing hide and seek with the clouds. It was beautiful. On an impulse, I lay down on the patio, gazing at the stars while another memory, unfolded itself in front of me.

"Riddhima come! We'll be late! Chalo na!"

"Arre I'm coming baba! Ab toh bataado, where are we going?"

"Tumne surprise naam ka ek word suna hai? Tum bas chalo mere saath!"

"Fine."

She sat in the car and folded her arms, stubbornly looking outside the window. I smiled and pried her hand away, holding it in mine. But she wouldn't give in that easily. She struggled to free her hand but I only held it tighter and brought it to my lips, kissing it softly. That broke her resolve and she grinned at me. And I grinned right back.

We reached our destination and I blindfolded her. For once, she didn't argue. I took her by her hand and lead her to the place. I left her standing while I arranged everything. A few minutes later, I brought her closer to the arrangement and removed her blindfold.

She looked around in wonder and gasped in amazement. We were away from the city, under the blanket of stars and I'd laid out a blanket and a picnic basket. She looked at me and smiled.

"I love it."

Urging her forward, I said, "Come."

We sat on the blanket and opened the picnic basket. She laughed in glee when she saw an array of her favorite food, and kissed me on the cheek. We ate while talking. She told me about her day and I listened. She finished dinner and looked into the basket. I grinned. She was the biggest dessert-lover I knew. She looked at me.

"Dessert nahi hai?"

"Nahi...woh main bhool gaya. Sorry!"

She nodded. "Koi baat nahi."

We lay on the blanket and I wrapped another one around us. She kept her head on my chest and I played with her hair. We lay their with the peaceful silence enclosing us in it's cocoon. A few minutes passed and she was making random patterns on my chest. I smiled.

"Riddhima?"

"Hmm?"

"Chocolate tart khaogi?"

She sat up. "Tumhaare paas hai?!"

"Haan."

"Lekin tumne kaha tha ki tum bhool gaye ho!"

"Woh toh mazaak tha!" I said grinning. I took out another box that I'd been hiding and opened it. She grabbed a tart and told me to have one. We had the tarts, it's chocolate liquid in the centre, filling our mouths with deliciousness. A trail of melted chocolate went down from the side of her mouth. I wiped it away and she grinned sheepishly.

We lay inside the blanket again and she said, "Thank you Armaan. That was the best first date ever!" I held her closer, decreasing the distance between us. I rolled and she lay beneath me, her eyes wide. I kissed her softly and after the momentary surprise she kissed me back with the same ardor, ruffling my hair. To my surprise, her hands went up my t-shirt, making me dizzy as she explored me. I rolled to the side so that she lay her head on my chest again. We didn't say a word, the awkwardness began to settle in.

"Sorry..." she whispered, hiding her face in my chest.

I tipped her face up and saw her flushed red. "You don't have to apologize, baby." I smiled and held her closer still. "I'm sorry too..."

She looked at me, her eyes sparkling. "You don't have to apologize, baby." She said, imitating me. I kissed her on the forehead as we lay there, talking softly, weaving dreams into the night.

I was brought back to earth when I heard her say, "I need to go to the supermarket."

I got up. "I'm coming."

We left in her car, and she put on music. I didn't say a word, I was too absorbed in my memories. As much as I wanted to block them, they came alive, and made me lower my defenses. I didn't like it.

Shaking my head, I tried not to think of them and concentrated on the road ahead. The market wasn't far and we reached their in a few minutes. We went ahead and parked her car. Entering the supermarket I took a trolley ignoring her protests with silence. She relented and we walked down the aisles, with her filling the trolley as we went on.

She stopped at the chocolate section, looking at the chocolates and picking up a few. I smiled at the old habit. She stood there while I peeped into the aisle beside ours. It was the toy section.

"Mumma I want that remote control car! The red one! Please? It's Christmas in a month! I won't ask for a gift then."

A faint smile played on my lips as I heard the lilting voice of the child. I looked on towards the mother and saw her looking troubled. She knelt down in front of her son. "Not this time baby. Santa's on a holiday this Christmas. He'll be back later, hmm?"

The child nodded solemnly. He hugged his mother as she gave him a kiss and a promise for ice cream while leaving.

I looked on, my eyes filling up. They didn't have money but atleast she loved her child. Taking out a 100 dollar bill I walked to the mother.

Tapping her on the shoulder I said, "Santa's back from the holiday." as I handed her the money.

"I'm sorry I can't take this!"

"Please?"

I don't know what it was that made her take it. Maybe it was my unshed tears or maybe the desperation in my voice. But she took it and hugged me briefly, thanking me. I saw them buy the car and heard the boy laugh. I smiled.

I turned to walk back and saw Riddhima looking at me with an unfathomable expression. I took the trolley and headed for the cash counter, while she followed me. We paid and exited the supermarket. It was raining outside and we were without an umbrella. I told her I'd go keep the bags in the car and then come back for her.

"I'll manage!" she said.

"I'm not listening."

I went to the car and kept everything in the back seat. By the time I kept everything I was soaked to the skin. The cold wind lashed around me as I walked towards her.

She walked beside me, both of us getting soaked. Suddenly I heard the screech of tires skidding across the road. I looked to my right and sure enough, a car was near us, moving crazily. The lights blinded me and all I heard was her scream my name. I pushed her out of the way and tried to save myself. But then it all went black.

I opened my eyes, my head pounding. I tried to move my arm but the pain slashed through me and I cursed. Suddenly, she was beside me. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine Riddhima." I answered. I closed my eyes once again.

"It's been two hours. The doctor came and did the check up. You're fine except for a torn ligament in your hands.

I nodded. "I need to make a phone call. Hand me the phone please?"

She handed me the phone and that's when I saw her face. It was ashen and her eyes were wide with shock. I saw tear tracks on her face and the fear in her eyes. But why was she afraid?

I felt the need to assure her and grabbing her arm I said, "I'm fine Riddhima. Really, I am."

"You saved my life." She whispered.

I smiled softly despite the body ache. "Did you expect any less?"

"I...I'll just umm get the phone..."

She came back with the phone and handed it to me. She went out of the door murmuring something about coffee.

I dialed Dmitri's number my hands shaking with barely suppressed fury. I was sure he was behind this. I kept the phone in speaker mode and made it stand on my chest. I did not have the strength to hold it.

"Armaan, my boy. Good to hear from you."

"Did you do it? Did you send that car after us?"

There was silence at the other end as if he was wondering what to say to me.

"Yes."

"I TOLD you I'm not in love with her! Why did you have to send the car, Dmitri?"

"Do not lie to me Armaan. Remember, I have watched you grow up. You are still in love with the girl, or you would have saved yourself instead."

"But that doesn't mean you send a car after us, trying to kill her! I told you not to do it!"

My anger was getting the better of me and I took a few deep breaths to calm down.

"Watch your tone Armaan. I did what I had to. You could be the best shooter but you need to free yourself of all these emotions. And hence the car. Goodbye."

I threw the phone on the bean bag and cursed. Why didn't he understand?! I was always going to love her. I got up and stood, testing my strength. I felt okay.

"You're a murderer Armaan. A killer. And that's all you'll ever be." I turned around and saw her, angry. Her words seared through me, shattering me. It was almost like last time, except this time the pain was greater. Along with the pain, anger flowed through me. I was sick of being judged. I had done what I thought was best. And maybe I'd made mistakes. But I was tired of being judged by Dmitri. By her. And by every single person who had claimed to know me.

I walked towards her and grabbed her arm, pinning her to the wall.

"SHUT UP! Just shut the f**k up Riddhima!"

"Armaan..." her tears spilled but all I could feel was my fury. I was tired of taking these insults.

"You don't know anything, get it?! Tum mujhe judge nahi jar sakti! I did whatever the f**k I had to and I don't give a damn if it's against your sentiments. Tumhe jo kehna hai woh kaho. But don't pretend that you know it all. Why I've done the things I've done, is my business. Na tum janti ho aur na koi aur. I'm sorry for whatever you saw in the backyard that day. I'm sorry I had to do it. But don't judge me, understand?"

She broke free of my hold. "Don't judge you? SERIOUSLY? I loved you Armaan. In fact being the pathetic person I am I still do. But you killed a man in front of me! You murdered him, right in front of my eyes! And my world crashed Armaan. I loved you, I thought you were a good man, but you weren't. And if anyone's responsible for the asocial person I've become, it's you."

My tears flowed freely at her words. She clutched my collar and asked me "Why did you do it Armaan? WHY?"

I moved away from her. "I did it for us goddamn it!"

"For us? Enlighten me, Armaan. Bataao mujhe ki how murdering a man would've helped our relationship."

"Because I'd have been free from him." I whispered. "Free from Dmitri. He'd told me it was my last task. I'd never killed anyone before. I thought if I did this he'd let me go. But then you saw it all. You weren't supposed too. Tum uss din jaldi aa gayi, aur phir..."

She moved closer to me. "Main jaldi aa gayi? You were the one who'd called me there Armaan!"

"Maine tumhe nahi bulaaya tha."

"To phir kisne-"

"Dmitri." I said as my breath knocked out of me. Dmitri had done this. He had never genuinely cared for me. The thought caused me to break down and I slumped on the floor. Once again I had been made a pawn in an infinitely bigger game. I wasn't stupid, I knew Dmitri wasn't sentimental. But he'd saved me. And that made me trust him, unwantingly. But I was the fool once again. He had wanted me only for the skills I possessed. Tears squeezed out of my eyes as I cried. This time, I was truly alone.

I felt her kneel in front of me. "Leave me alone, Riddhima. Please."

She refused to answer to that. Instead she wiped my tears. I looked at her in wonder. I was so sure I was dreaming.

"You trusted him didn't you?" She asked, softly. I didn't want to be reminded of my vulnerability and so I into the distance while she stroked her fingers through my hair. I wanted to scream. I wanted to tell her to stop. This was too much like old times and if I was to walk away, this wasn't helping. But I was too selfish. I sat there unmoving.

"Why? Why did you trust him Armaan? Her voice was gentle, not judging. I looked up to see her face. I could feel the tears making their way out again.

"Chodo na Riddhima. What's done is done. Mujhe sona hai." I said in a last attempt to hide my pain. But we'd come way past that today.

"Nahi Armaan. I want to know why you did it."

I nodded resigned. Maybe I should come clean, once and for all.

I started talking, my voice hollow, as I relived the memories.

"We lived on the streets, my mother and I. She was a uh...sex worker. But then she got pregnant with me. She never told me who my father was but she hated me. Despised me. Obviously she couldn't go back to her "work" because I was there. And so we lived on the streets, doing odd jobs all day. I worked at a tea stall once. Once at the children's fair where I had to dress up as one of the seven dwarfs with Snow White and we performed in front of people. I used to earn money and then my mother would take it. That's all she ever cared about, you know. The money. Not me. Never me."

I breathed in, trying not to break down. I sneaked a look at her. She was crying wordlessly. I continued.

"I was ten when she left me. No, don't look shocked, she didn't die. She brought me to the bus stop and got me a packet of chocolate biscuits. It was the happiest day of my life. She'd never ever given me anything. She said she would be back in a few minutes and that I should wait here. I watched her walk away, her red sari fluttering in the wind." I stopped for a bit. My breath hitched as pain engulfed me. But I blinked back the tears and swallowed the lump in my throat.

"And then?" she asked me, softly.

"And then nothing. That was the last time I ever saw her. She didn't return. I was a burden to her, Riddhima. She abandoned me. It took me the entire day to realize that she wasn't coming back. You don't know how I felt Riddhima. It was the worst thing ever. The biscuits were over and it was night and I was alone. I lived like that for a year. Doing odd jobs, earning a little money and then buying food with it. And somewhere I hoped she would return, but she never did. And then one day I was in a car accident. It was Dmitri's car. He took me to the hospital, got me treated and when he came to know I didn't have anyone he offered to take me home. He became my hero that day. And so I lived with him. He educated me, gave me a place to stay, everything. And then he told me I should join him in his business. And how could I refuse? I owed him."

I paused and there was silence in the room. Gathering myself, I continued. "And then years later I met you. I loved working at McDonalds only because of you. You took orders and I delivered them. Remember?"

We both looked at each other, a smile making it's way up our faces. I looked at her and I was sure she was remembering the moments too. They seemed life times away. She urged me to continue.

"And then I fell in love with you. You were my "Isa". I lied to you when I told you it means beautiful, you know."

She looked confused. "What does it mean then?"

"It means rainbow in Chamorru. At Dmitri's we had a cook. He spoke the language. I found it fascinating, picked up a few words here and there. Isa was one of them. I never told you because I feared the questions I'd have to answer."

"Isa..." she whispered, rolling the word on her tongue, getting the feel of it.

"You brought light in my life Riddhima. As clichd as it sounds, it's true. And I wanted to be with you forever. I told Dmitri that. He said I'd have to do one last task...and the rest...you know it...It was my first kill you know. I hated it. Never killed after that. Not that, that reduces the measure of my crime, but yeah."

I looked at her properly now. There were no secrets anymore. I was naked, open, and vulnerable. I stared into her eyes, daring her to tell me what she thought of me. Would she hate me even more?

I looked away, not being able to face her. I prized myself in controlling my emotions. Never had I disclosed all this. I felt her arms around me and it took me a moment to realize she was hugging me. That undid me and I cried. I cried for the little boy whose mother abandoned him. I cried for the grown man, whose life did.

I buried my face in the crook of her neck and cried my heart out while she stroked my hair. A while later I got up and wiped my bloodshot eyes. I looked at her. She kissed my cheek and said, "You're a good man, Armaan."

I looked at her, shocked. This was the last thing I expected her to say. I murmured a thank you. My eyes locked into hers, and for once, it was all out in the open. Nothing left to hide. She leaned towards me and to my surprise, kissed me breathless. I responded with equal zest and I kissed her back, threading my fingers into her hair. Just then it struck me and I pulled away.

"Stop. We shouldn't do this." I said. Why do something we both would regret later?

"I want to."

I looked at her stubborn face. In happier times, I'd have laughed or maybe cracked a joke. None of that came to me now.

"No you don't Riddhima. You don't wanna do this. Maybe you're just feeling guilty." I mumbled.

"I know what I want Armaan. And I want this."

I shook my head. "We'll just regret it. And then there will be more compli-"

"I love you."

Her words filled hope in me but I chose to ignore it. I couldn't, I wouldn't do this to her. She shouldn't want this. I didn't deserve this and there were probably a thousand more reasons for us not to do it. But she whispered "I Love You..." again, and again, and again. And then I broke free of my resolve. I didn't have it in me anymore. Let the morning bring whatever it wants to, the night would be ours.

And so I kissed her back, with equal ardor. The moon came out from behind the clouds, shining brightly, having witnessed our love.

I felt ticklish near my neck.

"Mmph..movee..."

My sleep laden words did nothing to stop the tickling. I opened my eyes and saw her. A smile curved my lips. It was her hair that tickled me. I put it to one side and found a place for me in the crook of her neck. It was only two am. Sighing, I fell asleep, holding her tightly.

The sunlight made it's way into my eyes, forcing them open. For a moment, I forgot where I was. It'd been years since I'd slept properly. I got up, my head a little fuzzy, when last night came back to me. I frowned. I shouldn't have lost control like that. It wouldn't do good for either of us. As if on cue, I had the strongest sense of foreboding. Something was wrong.

I got up and stretched myself. That's when my eyes fell on the piece of paper, that stood out on the black bed spread. I opened it.

Dear Armaan,

I'm leaving this town. Don't blame yourself baby. I now understand where you come from. You can't leave Dmitri because you owe him and I can't be with you if you work with him. I'm so sorry Armaan. I love you. And now, I shall remember you with a smile. <3

Yours,

Riddhima

I felt numb. Everything lost it's meaning. She was wrong when she said, I wasn't to blame. I was. It was me, all over again.

Wordlessly, I picked up my rucksack and left the house, never looking back. There were things that needed to be done. And I had to do them now.

~~~~~~~~~~

Song Suggestion: [A song that I think goes well with the update] - 

Song: Stop and Stare [Clickhere for the video+lyrics.]

Part finito. Please tell me how it turned out!  I don't think it was all that :|

Read. Like. Comment! <3

xoxo

Aanya