Agonizing Love-Kash ss-upd 01.08.11-pg14 - Page 4

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"Karan," Shilpa's voice brought him back to reality.

"Hmm," he replied back with  equal adorability.

"You must have been thinking that becz of u we are facing this day to day, isn't it?You must be feeling you are the cause of all our miseries…your impotence has left us incomplete…its because of you we cannot have a child.You are probably musing that deep down, I hold you responsible for everything, and that is why you silently absorb all my bickerings, am I ryt?"Shilpa asked, moving her head away from Karan' chest,  to have a clear view of him as he speaks.

"Isnt that what the truth is?"Karan asked,tucking a lose strand of Shilpa's hair behind her ear, tenderly brushing his lips with her forehead.

"No, its not," Shilpa retorted, rather defiantly.

" Yes it is Shona.Its because of my incapacity that we probably will never have our child," Karan said, melancholy audible in his voice not meeting her eyes as he spoke..

Shilpa did not miss the tint of guilt lurking under  that voice.But little did she know that this guilt was not for his infirmity, but for shielding away the truth from her.

"No Karan, I never held you responsible for anything.Never in my wildest thoughts can I ever think sth like this, bcz it is not like that,"Shilpa's voice started trembling at the guilt of making him feel like  that. "I have never looked at the reason why we cannot  have our baby, I have always looked at the fact that we cannot have our baby.I know deep down somewhere I hurt you everytime I think such things.But what do I do Karan…how do I pacify the burning desire inside me?The desire, the raving to hold my own baby in my hands? Not somebody else's?The desire to hear my own baby call me "Mama"?How do I kill that desire that drag me evrytime to the neonatal ward everyday?How do I subside the mother inside me who lost  her child at the very 3^rd month of her pregnancy?The wife inside me who desperately wants to present her husband a part of the irrevocable love she shares with her husband…the wife who wants to spend evry evening with her husband lying on her lap and mutter sweet nothings to their child inside her womb?How Karan, just tell me one way…please…"a helpless Shilpa screamed, shaking Karan violently by his shoulder and glided down, hugging his knees.

Karan helped her toget up, but did not say a word.He just stared in her yes, in a failed attempt to  provide her strength form the love radiating form his guilt stricken eyes.

"It does not matter whose weakness it is, even if it was me, I would have reacted the same way, u know that right,"Shilpa said, while wiping off her tears.

" Yes, I know that Shona, but still I am sorry."

" No Karan please don't say that.If you say such things then I feel guilty of hurting you…guilty of giving you the impression that I blame you for everything.I Know hoe you feel Karan.Had I been in your place, I tooo would have felt the same.But please try tu understand me jaan, please trust me," Shilpa held Karan's face in her hands while desperately pleading him.

"Karan, I wont lie by saying that I have moved on, bcz the truth is I haven't.You have convinced yourself to live with us only, but I have failed.I have failed to remain content with us…failed to let go of my desire of being completed with our child…our love….Its just that…"

"Sshhh…"Karan silence Shilpa as he placed his thumb on her lips, gently caressing them.

"You do not need to explain anything jaan.I know each and every emotion that runs inside you, because they originate form my heart.You misbehaved with me because you knew I wd understand.You needed to vent out your frustration.You came here because you wanted me to follow you.You wanted some time with me here. You wanted to let things out to me, but you wanted me to probe you.You cried all these while vecz you regret misbehaving with me downstairs.And now you are explaining all these weird sh*ts to me bcz u are scared.You are scared what if I leave you out of my own frustration.That is why you are stuggling to justify  ur acts, isn't it?Karan asked, satisfied at  hitting the bull's eye.

Shilpa nodded, just like an obedient child, whose lie has been caught by her teacher and is now admitting her doing.

"But shona why don't you understand jjaan that I am happy.I admit that at times I do feel lowly of myself buut when I realize that I have you with me, nothing else matters.You are all I have, and you are all I nee.Then why would I leave you?Karan pressed…it was his turn to make his wife understand.

Looking deep into his  eyes. Shilpa felt content and secured at the honesty and sincerity in of her  husband's voice.Cuddling herself in his arms, she nestled her head on his chest.

" I hope u remember that we have an appointment tomorrow,"Karan mutteres under her hair.

Shilpa jerked herself out  of his embrace, and stood rooted woth  her eyes popped open.

"But"

Smiling at her reaction , Karan continued, "We will keep trying Shona, only for you.I admit I hate to see you evrytime going through the pain of IVF, but I still cannot stop you.I can stop my wife, but I cannot stop the mother inside you.I have no right to do that.We wll go for the treatment againg, come what may…"Karan announced, wiping off a lone tear that  made its way down her  mascara smudged eyes.

Shilpa stood stunned, speechless. Dumbfounded flabbergasted at the depth if his love.She never expected him to be so understanding.Negative pregnancy prognosis had become a part and parcel of their daily life, and after the last failure, Karan literally 'BANNED' any sort of further attempts.The treatment sessions and especially the medicines were having a terrible toll on Shilpa's health.They were affecting her moods tooo.Shilpa could  not protest much, because she knew that Karan would never take any risk when it comes to her health, even if the whole wolrd fell apart.She  sank in downright depression because of his decision.Many a times she did not realize what she said, what she did.This made Karan even more anxious.Si he changed his mind and  decided to give her things the way she wants, give her as much happiness as possible.

"We  have to show the gynaec team your past treatment papers.I have kept them in the libraby,do remind me  to take them tomorrow, okay?"Karan said, while playing with her hair.

" I really love u Karan, I wish I could show how much."Shilpa said while fiddling with his collar, sadness oozing out  of her voice.She was really low today, she never felt so insecure.She was anxious about the outcome of her next IVF session, and this was not unknown to Karan.

"You don't need to princess, cz Your heart resides in my bosom.I know every bit of ur feelings even before u come to know abt them."

Shilpa giggled, just like a little child who has been assured of her chocolates regardless of the fact that she has done done her homework.Truley, she was Karan's baby.

"I love you Karan," Shilpa reminded.

"I love you more  than that."Karan reciprocated with equal love.

Smiling, both headed towardshome, looking forward to a new day, a new hope, a new journey…

But what does this journey hold for them????Keep reading to know more…

Thank you all for spending some tym in Kash land….