Ok...i am back !
I am racking my brain to try and condense my thoughts as one could (and many HAVE!) written a book length response !
Specifically you seemed to ask : What would Manav had to have done that would show he rejected his mother.. Am i correct that that implies you think the things he did were
showing rejection of her?
This is so interesting because i want to ask back "what has he done that ever showed he rejected her?"
Look, trying to be concise i want to say 4 things - all of which i have said before.
1. This is a very sick household...from the beginning. Even tho Damo drinks, Savita - without drinking - is the main alcoholic personality. She is someone who constantly creates a crisis around her and everyone must serve the crisis (which means her). It is her way of controlling her environment, because she is out of control emotionally and always has been. It's how she feels safe, even though deep down she knows she is doing wrong and probably hates herself for it. There are usually 3 responses to this: rebellion
) and withdrawal
).. Sometimes individuals exhibit combinations... (interestingly - in real life, withdrawal and appeasement personality girls often are sexually abused (vandu)...)
2. Manav has always loved his mother immensely and did everything she told him to. His appeasement was born both out of deep love for his mother & out of an attempt to pacify and calm things down. The appeaser feels totally responsible for the household calm, and terribly guilty if there is chaos. He feels that if he doesn't do what is asked, things will go wrong, and he goes to enormous lengths to avoid conflict. If there is conflict, he feels like a failure and that he wasn't good enough to keep everyone happy (I am not good enough to be ur son, i was not able to keep you happy).
3.After the marriage, Manav went to her & Damo, so excited, a little scared, but sure that his mother would forgive him for running off and getting married the way they did, and it would be ok...like always..he could make it calm again. (he was still the appeasing child and he had misbehaved) Savita kicked him out on their wedding night....he was crushed. Over and over again, she rejected him. With his every attempt to reconcile, to come to see the baby, to try again, she abused rejected him and them. He tried every which way. Some think she only abused and rejected Archu. After all, she tried to murder her, she spoke of her death that she wished on her every chance she got, she threw things at her, hit her, etc. But you see she rejected and abused both because manav is now one with his bride and she rejects and disrespects who he is....in her mind he can only belong to her. She is fixated on keeping him the baby and the child she can control. She cannot accept him or respect him as an adult. He is now growing up...not going to always appease...trying to find healthy footing. She has rejected who he is now...he is not the baby any longer...a fact Savita cannot accept ... because she is so unhealthy emotionally she doesn't know how...but neither does Manav know how to do it...all he knows is how much he loves his mother, and that he doesn't want this wrong relationship any longer.......
4. AND THIS is what Manav rejected. This control, this abuse, this sick relationship. He has never rejected his mother.
He has tried to show her his love, and she has rejected it and him with her games. If he had rejected HER, he wouldn't have tried over and over for so long. He has told her he loves her and wants to live with her, and he has tried to make it work, he has asked for forgiveness more than once...... he was so excited to live there on the wedding night, (she threw them out) he tried to help Sachu, (she threw them out) he came to let Savita baby him and cook for him,(she took it as a sign that he was coming to her only now and didn't even hear what he said and went beserk) he tried to buy all Savita's vegetables (she refused it) and when she rejected everything he offered time and time again......he said "i quit." I have had enough. I can't do this anymore. He DID talk with her at first. But now he has given up. No, now he doesn't go there often...because he is so tired of being abused. I don't blame him.
Everyone is so quick to say SAvita was justified in her bad behavior, there were REASONS she acted so bad. So did Jack the ripper or any psychopathic killer...they too had their REASONS. The truth is one may harbor feelings of hatred, but one cannot act on them --- murder, speaking out for the death of someone (especially your DIL), phsyical and emotional abuse....those are all UNACCEPTABLE. Savi'a's actions are abusive, Manav's actions have been attempts to reconcile. Umm..don't have to be a rocket scientist, huh? So NOW, his action is withdrawal. Some of the forum seems to think that's beyond terrible and an unforgivable sin. . I think it's self protection from more abuse.
Everyone screams at Manav, it's not what you say it's what you do. So he tried to DO the things i have listed above. In the beginning, and until just recently, but he was rejected everytime. So now yes, he has given up. If we apply that same standard to SAvita, what she DID was try to murder Archu, physically threw things at her, pushed her, grabbed her and hurt her, stole the grandchild... W*F kind of a double standard is that?
Everyone on this forum who thinks Manav is bad and wrong...has said, well he should at least DO HIS DUTY. So we see what happened when he went to ask forgiveness (from his heart and out of great love for her)... SAvita was joined by all those same people on the forum, and they screamed OMG Manav is only doing DUTY> he doesn't really love her...shame shame bad son...you are only doing DUTY>
.......... damned if he does damned if he doesnt' in my opinion.
hmmm i have more i could say but that will take it to another level....
Like you apparently have a hard time understanding my position, i must admit I have an equally hard time understanding yours. I DO understand honoring parents...no matter what...but, there is a line that should not be crossed when abuse is involved...emotional and/or physical..
Thanks for asking Hope, I don't think i said anything at all i haven't already said many times...i hope i answered your question about my position and pov...but perhaps raised more (questions)
I know one thing...we all want Manav, Archu, Savita, Damo, and the rest...TO LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER....
guess i got close to book length after all....sorry !!! ps. i am adding this later....all that said above, i would agree that if it is the custom in India for the son to financially support the paternal family, understanding he didn't have any money at first, and has to pay his own rent and food bills, he could have and should have given them at least some monthly amount......but to be honest, i am not sure he didn't do that ...maybe not monthly but i am pretty sure i remember one time when he gave Damo some money for the household after he was married...and he tried to give the vegetables...and when he said that he said "even though i am not able to support her, at least i can buy her vegetables." leading me to think she may have rejected his monies... the CV's don't show us every detail and sometimes we must guess
Edited by naava - 18 March 2011 at 12:27pm