Ch9: Envy and Possesion.
The water cascaded down on the shivering body like fiery cold needles. The skin on her fingers and toes were turning white and wrinkled. The water that accumulated in the drainage was scarlet like blood was flowing freely from some deep wound. She stood with her head bowed holding the pipe for balance as her whole body stilled reeled from the shock. She scrubbed viciously at her forehead and face to wash away any remnant of the scarlet color from her face. A wail escaped her lips but was drowned in the sound of the shower. She fell on the floor and cried out in pain while no sound emitted from her throat. In the water flowing over her face she could taste the salt of her tears. Why did Gods have to play such a joke with her! She had been trying so hard to hide her emotions from the world. She had so much practice in hiding her wishes, desires and dreams for so long that no one could see them. No one! She had been able to fool everyone in thinking that she was happy. That she didn't miss studying, she didn't dream of making something out of her life. She had even fooled herself in thinking that, that dream had been nothing. But she knew in her heart what was true. Deep inside where even she never ventured. She knew she loved him. She knew she could never be the same again once he left. She knew how impossible it was to have him love her back. How unattainable he was!
He thought of her as just the neighbor of his sister, at best like a friend but he could never want her as she loved him. Every night she told herself not to love him, every morning she prayed for his happiness. Was it not enough that it hurt so much to love the person you can't have that she had to live the mockery of her dreams in daylight in front of so many people? She looked at the red water. Yes, it was blood that was flowing down the drains. Blood from her heart!
No more, please God, no more! She couldn't bear it anymore. Hey Kanhaji! Ab nahi ho payega mujhse! Ab nahi!
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Nakkusha stepped out of the washroom with her wet hair warped in a white towel with some tendrils dripping on her shoulder soaking the pale pink blouse at the back and front. Kaladidi was taller and a little heavily built comapared to her slight petite frame. Hence, her blouse was too large for her. She had struck some pins to make it fit yet, the shoulders were slipping precariously. She pulled the anchal of the cotton pink and white sari that didi wore at home closer to her shoulder and decided she would go home and change immediately.
She turned to leave the room and stopped at her tracks. He was waiting for her at the edge of didi's bed. She noticed, he too had taken a bath and was wearing dark blue kurta over his denims. He got up and walked towards her with measured steps, "Purey mohalley ke paani se naha liya kya?" She looked away clutching the sari closely to her body. Dutta stood in front of her and sighed,"I am sorry,Nakku. Main nahi jaanta tha ki meri wajah se tujhe logon se itna kuch sunnana hoga. Main….tu to jaan hi chuki hai mujhe. Jaanti hai na main bina sochey-samjhey kabhi kabhi kuch harkatey kar deta hoon jo bas…bewakhoofi hoti hai." He lifted her face to meet his eyes. She closed her eyes as a tear slipped out of the corner. He stopped it with his fingers and looked sadly at the wetness on his finger,"Please…Look at me, nakkusha. I know, I am total fool..but..please..don't be like this." He lightly touched her cheeks and looked down looking disgusted with himself. She looked at his face filled with remorse and said softly," total nahin.." He looked up at her voice and saw her holding up her hand in front of his face as if pinching the air. Nakkusha-purey idiot nahin hai..par itne se to hai. He looked at her sparkling enormous eyes which looked tired from crying in the shower and were still glassy with unshed tears. She tried to smile bravely at him and he gave her a wry smile,"Ariyal bail hoon na!" That brought a real smile on her face as she sniffed angrily,"Haan, wo to aap ho! Kitna maana kiya main nahi aaugi phir bhi zabardasti mujhe…." Dutta interrupted her- Tujhe bhi haq hai, nakku. Tujhe aisa kyun lagta hai ki teri har muskurahat kissi ke sehmati ke mohtaz hai? Tujhe kyun lagta hai kit u khush hone ke kabil nahi? He stretched her lips in a mimicry of a smile and cupped her face,"Tujhe haq hai haasne ka, nakku. Kyunki maine duniya mein kissi ki haasi itni pyaari aur saachi nahi dekhi. Bewakoof hai wo auratein.."Nakkusha interrupted him-Nahi,Dutta! aap aisa mat bolo. Wo log bade hai humse. Barso se hume dekha hai unhone. Badey huye hai unki aankhon ke aagey. Maa ke bimaari ke waqt debbu ko kai baar doodh pilaya hai. Sonu aur mere liye rotiyan banayi hai. gussey mein thoda daat bhi diya to kya! Itna to maa hoti to bhi daatti na. She looked sternly at the ground-Nakku, itni badi ho gai hai akal nahi aayi..hataya kyun nahi! Thaal ko mandir mein kyu nahi rakha? Bas, itna sa kaam nahi yaad rahta. She looked up at him-boliye na, Datta. Maa aisa kahti na? Dutta saw the pain in her voice and nodded soundlessly. He wondered what his mother would have said today if she was there. He had never wondered what his parents would have said or thought of him if they were alive. He now felt that maybe they would have found him wanting as a person.
Dutta removed his hand from her face and stepped back. He cleared his voice,"Tera nahana dhoona ho gaya to kuch khane millega. Bhook lagi hai." Nakkusha bit her lips- Bhook lagi hai to khud intezam kar lo. Yahi kaha tha aapne tab?
Dutta frowned-haan. Dusrey log kar le aapna intezam. Mera to tu hi karegi na! mujhe kuch garam garam chahiye aur bahut saara chahiye. Jaldi. He walked towards the door and turned back," Waise tu sari mein kamal lag rahi hai. Aur aaj tujh par laal rang bahut khill raha tha..abeer ho ya sindoor..tujhpe bahut nikhra raha tha."
She watched him walk out while fresh tears blurred her vision.
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"Kala, phir soch lo! Aaj jo hua..uske baad"Kishore looked at his wife who was sitting holding her head in her palms. She lifted tear strained eyes to him and said vehemently-aaj jo hua uske baad hi kah rahi hoon,Kishore. Dutta aur nakku ki nazdekiyan dekh kar mujhe mere faisley par phir sochna pard raha tha..lag raha tha shayad ye ho sakta hai..par aaj..kishore, dutta ab tak nahi samajh paya ki usne aaj kya kiya. Wo aisey maafi maang raha tha jaise galti se chai gira di ho. Usey nahi pata. Aur nakku…maine nakku ki aankhon mein wo dekha jiska mujhe darr tha…pyar..aur aapne liye bebasi..ab nahi, kishore. Dutta ko koi ladki jald se jald dikha ke main yahan se wapas bhej dungi…aur unhe ab ek dusrey se jayada waqt nahi beetane dungi…aur dutta se nakku se durr rahne kahungi.
Kishore smiled and walked to his wife- ek baat tum bhul rahi ho,Mrs deshmukh. Kala stood up looking at him questioningly. Kishore- tum bhul rahi ho apne bhai ki zid ko. Dutta shayad nakku se pyar nahi karta par ek ajeeb sa haq jama liya hai usne nakku par. Uske liye nakkusha ab adat ho gai hai. Tum koshish kar lo par wo nakku ko durr rahne nahi dega. Kalawati looked at her husband hopefully-aapko lagta hai dutta nakku se…Kishore shook his head- pyar karne ke liye pyar ko samajhna jaruri hai.Dutta ab tak wo samjha hi nahi. Waise tum ye ladki dikha do Dutta ko.
Kishore turned towards the window and looked at the dark corner of the rose patch garden where dutta was standing with his back. Kishore watched the young man thoughtfully. He was quickly finishing of his cigarette stealthily in the garden before nakkusha came back from her house after feeding her family for their nightly chats over a cup of tea. He looked at the gate and squashed the bud with his foot before walking towards it. Kishore- Kala, wo kya hai na…kitaab agar aankhon ke jayada nazdeek ho to akshar padhey nahi jaate. He saw nakku standing at the gate and reading dutta a riot act while sniffing him.
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"Saari buri adaatey paaley rakhna jaroori hai? " she squinted at him in the darkness as the light from the terrace door casted a halo around his head but shrouded his feature in darkness making it impossible for her to read his expression.
Dutta-sab buri aadat kaha hai…kitni sari acchi aadatein bhi
to hai. Nakkusha- accha! Ek ginwaiye! Dutta-puri list hai. Subha main brush
karta hoon..jogging karta hoon. Khatey waqt bak bak nahi karta…yahan baithey
kuch logo ki tarah. He threw a sideways pointed look at her making her clench
her teeth but he ignored her hiss and continued- main roz do baar nahata
hoon..raat ko floss bhi karta hoon brush bhi. Aur to aur main hari sabhziyaan
bina muh banaye khata hoon. Kuch log to palak dekh ke "hey kanha! Hey kanha!"
ka jaap lagatey hai. He looked at the sky biting his lips.
She pushed him toppling him on the cot- kuch log chupp ke smoke nahi kartey…aur
kissi ke aaney se pahele bagichey mein chup ke to bilkul nahi…nahi kuch log
kissi se baat karne se pahele itaaa saara scent laga ke aatey hai…main bhi to
sochu 'ye janab hamesha perfume ki dukaan kyu banney hotey hai!' sab iss liye
takki main aapki chori na pakad saku..aap abhi bhi smoke kartey hai aur maine
socha aapne chod di! chee!
Dutta looked unabashed- aye dekh…sar par mat chardh..Dutta ShreeRam Patil chori nahi karta..dusri baat dus saal purani aadat hai..aisey kaisey chod du. Waqt lagega. Nakusha turned on him tucking her duppatta at her waist in a warrior mode-kyun jee kyun? Daaltey time waqt laga tha...tab kya socha hoga, bada hero dikhunga cigarette pakadke! Baat kartey hai! Dutta ulluram patil. Dutta- tu mere baap ko ullu bol rahi hai? Nakkusha- nahi..aapko ullu ka pattha bol rahi hoon! Koi shaak. Dutta looked at the anger in her eyes and grimness on her full lower lips and smiled- nai, koi shaak nahi.
She ignored his smile thinking he was laughing at her and muttered to herself walking away from him- ye to ye aadat hai..hey kanhaji! Ye tillu ji to sharab bhi peetey hai..dekha tha naa kaise aapke sthaan pe bottle chippayi thi. Kuch sadbuddhi bhi di hoti buddhi ke sath. Bechari kalatai! Dutta caught bits and pieces of her mutterings and his features hardened. He got up and turned her to him. She saw the dark look on his face,"k..kya hua?" Dutta- nakku, wo decanter kaha hai? Nakkusha-decanter? He nodded- wo bottle jaisi cheez jo tune uss din drawer se nikali thi. Nakkusha looked away-feek di. Dutta clenched his teeth and warned her-nakku! Nakkusha-ab aisa kya hai usme? Accha theek hai bahut mahengi thi naa! Theek hai..kal la dungi. Sharab feek ke sabun ke paani mein dinbhar dooba ke rakhi thi ab dho ke sukha ke almari mein hai..sharab ki baadbu bhi nahi hai. la dungi..Main jaa rahi hoon. Good night.
Dutta grabbed her wrist and stopped her-Nakku,rukk. Baat ye nahi hai ki wo bahut mahengi hai. haan bahut mahengi hai. Dublin ki best company ki hai aur tune ussey dinbhar sabun paani mein doobake ghis ghis ke saaf kar ke uski waat laga di hogi. Ussey aise saaf nahi kartey..par khair. Baat hai ki uski kimat paisse mein nahi, uss jeet ke ehsaas ki hai jo uss decanter ko paa kar hui thi.
Nakkusha-matlab? Dutta- I met her during my MBBS. I was her junior by few years but..she…I..main..Nakkusha whispered-aap ussey pyar karte the. Dutta laughed-No! Damn! Rakshanda se pyar? Wo bahut..kaise bataun..she was damn hot. Doctor kum heart attack machine jayada. Aur I was as any other guy…very attracted to her. Kaafi cat-mouse games ke baad we were together,casually. Mmm..wahan actually leelatai tab thane ke ghar mein thi…main aksar itni durr wapas nahi aata tha..wahi dosto ke sath rah jata tha..kabhi kabhi…raksh..matlab..
Nakkusha interrupted-matlab main samajh rahi hoon. Aapko..mera matlab hai…main chalti hoon. Kal bhejwa dungi.
Dutta-nahi, tu samajh nahi rahi hai. When we were together-Rakshanda and me. Hum logon ka kamal ka rapport tha jo mera uskey baad kissi girlfriend ke saath nahi hua. Because hum dono bikul ek jaise the..aapne jeet ke liye kissi bhi had tak jaa sakte the. Uske pass out hone ke baad-out of sight out of mind. It was ok. But phir kuch saalo baad mujhe mere MS ke waqt milli. Ussey MS mein chance millne mein kaafi samay lag gaya tha..so is baar hum saath the. Old relations and all that. Par Rakshanda ko haar manzoor nahi tha..khaas kar us ladke se jo ussey umr mein experience mein chotta ho aur uskey sath....aa…
Nakkusha-sota ho? Dutta looked at her. Her face was in darkness and her voice was calm. Dutta-haan! Sota ho. Ek presentation tha hum dono ko papers present karne the. We both worked really hard and presentation ke pahele waali raat ko humne celebrate kiya. Next day, presentation mein I waited..till the end to be called to present my paper. Unfortunately, mera paper reject kar diya gaya because it was not original. Same paper kissi aur candidate ne pahele hi submit kar diya tha. So mere paper ka subject call kiya gaya aur presenter ko bulaya gaya. Dutta gave a mocking laugh- She really was too much to handle in bed. Meri aankh lagtey hi mera password use karke mera research chura leti thi. And I would be deep in satiated slumber. He tapped his pockets and remembering that he didn't have any cigarettes sighed deeply- I couldn't prove ki wo mera research tha. So I swallowed the whole thing. She had this mocking laugh on her face that I wanted to scrub off. Jale pe namak ye tha ki us paper ko award bhi milla..bol mehnat kissi sur ki phal kissi aur ka. Actually, mehnat uski bhi thi….meri mehnat us paper mein thi..uski us bistar par. Par maine than lit hi,badla to lena tha. I kept track on her. Usne Detroit ke kissi famous costmetic surgon se shaadi ki thi. Dublin ke conference uska firangi pati organize karta hai. Us conference mein milla tha best paper ko…mere paper ko. Uske haathon. Mere uss jawab ki nishani hai wo.
Nakkusha- aap ussey pyar kartey the. Dutta- main kissi se pyar nahi karta,nakku. kabhi nahi kiya. Nakkusha- to uskey dhokey se aapko itni chot kyun pahuchi? Dutta-chot nahi. Gussa..Usne mujhe bewakhoof banaya ye bardasht nahi hai mujhe. Koi pyar mein dhokey ki kahani nahi hai, uskey wajah se mere career mein ek success kum hua iska gussa tha. Jab badla pura hua to wo decanter us jeet ki nishani ban gai ki Dr.Dutta patil se koi nahi jeet sakta.
Nakkusha- fir bhi itne dinno baad jis ladki ke sath aapne itni nazdikiya baati..usse kissi aur ki patni ke roop mein dekhna musshkil nahi tha. Jalan nahi hui..aisa nahi laga ki wo merit hi ab kissi aur ki. Kuch chubbha nahi?
Dutta- nahi kyunki she is a characterless woman. Apne pati ke peet picchey purane yaar ke sath..you know! Nakkusha-aapke sath? Apne pati ke wahan hote huye. Dutta- haan! Uss raat…Nakkusha-main nahi sunnana chahti. Please. Dutta-ok!
Nakkusha- aap sahi kah rahe hai. Aapne rakshanda se kabhi pyar nahi kiya. Agar kiya hota to uske aur apni nazdikiyon ka mazak nahi banatey. Par aap aise kaise kar saktey hai? pyar aur jazbaat na ho to kaise wo sab kar sakte hai? ghinn nahi aati?
Dutta- main jiss duniya ka hoon wahan ye sab bahut aam hai. Shaadi, commitment,relationship sab interchangeable hai.
Nakkusha- kal agar aapko kissi se pyar hua. Aur ussey ye aapke beetey akl ke baarey mein pata chalega to..ussey takleef hogi. Dutta-koi takleef nahi hogi. Kyun hogi? Wo to mera kal tha. Beet gaya bas! Nakkusha- aapko takleef nahi hogi agar aapko pata chala ki koi unki zindagi mein tha aapse pahele. Dutta-nahi, mujhe koi takleef nahi hogi. Agar mujhe haq hai ateet ka to uska bhi haq hai uske ateet par. Waise bhi filmo mein,kitabbo mein kahtey hai na-pyar mein jalan nahi hota bandhan nahi hota..etc etc etc…mujhe to laga tujhe sab maloom hoga. He laughed mockingly-over possessiveness, jealousy se bhi bahut divorces hotey hai.
Nakkusha-over kyun karenge? Har cheez over hi to kharab hai. aur galat hai sab filmo mein kitaabo mein. Pyar mein jalan hoti hai. Tabhi to pyaar hai. Pyaar mein adhikar hota hai, haq hota hai-ek dusre par. Thoda khayal rakhna. Adhikar jatana over possessiveness nahi hoti. Agar aapko kissi se pyar hoga na to farak padega ki koi ussey aapke alawa dekhe, suki haasi ka karan ho. Tab raastey mein haath pakadke chalna bandhan nahi lagega, Saath lagega. Humrahi hone ka ehsaas dega. Soch ke dekhiye naa! She placed a hand closing his eyes-ab aap sochiye ki koi hai jisse aap pyaar karet hai. aur sochiye ki aap uske saath hai aur koi aur uska haath pakad raha hai. aapko gussa nahi aa raha?
Dutta- tera hath bahut soft hai. Nakkusha pulled her hand back- please. Majak mat kariye. Boliye na.
Dutta- nakkusha, kuch sawalon ke sahi ya galat jawab nahi hotey…bas dekhne ka nazariya hota hai. main pyar nahi manta. Par ye manta hoon ki rishtey ko nibhane ke liye sachai, ek dusre ke liye izaat aur ek dusre ko samajhne ki capacity honi chahiye. Ek dusre ke kal ki nahi aane wale kal ki sochni chahiye. Mujhse millne se pahele uska job hi ateet thaw o uska tha..par aanewala kal humara hai..usme agar mere alwa koi hua to rishsta hi nahi rahta..jalan kaha se ayegi. Dhoka alag hai jalan alag. Mujhe uske ateet keg air mard se jalan nahi hogi par agar uske aaj mein koi hua to wo dhoka hoga jo mujhe bardashat nahi. He smiled-par tere pati ko bahut bhari padegi na uski ex-girlfriend.
Nakkusha smiled- main to muh noch lungi. Itna maarungi churail ko ki aankhein bhaingi ho jayengi aisey..she crossed her eyes at him making him laugh at her. Dutta-phir to tere liye koi sushil gareloo type ladka dundna hoga.
………..To be continued.
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