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A couple of months
ago, Mihir Virani died. A couple of weeks ago, he came back. So, the couple
in Gujarat who presumably got a mild heart attack recuperated.. unlike
me. I still-feel-like-inserting-my-thumbs-through-my-ears-and-rubb ing-my-eyes-from-within'
when I watch these serials. Below is an indepth analysis of the way Ms
Ekta Kapoor organises her disorganised soaps -
1.Conception
Ekta consults her astrologer Kantaben Kiraani who stays at Kalaanagar
in Kandivli. Sipping some kaala khatta and munching some hot kachoris
and khandvis, Kantaben suggests some names all starting with 'k'
of course (and Madam Ekta converts some old Gujarati film into a serial).
2.Mix & Match
Cast
It works. The protagonist of "Kabhi Kaamwali, Kabhi Kachrewaali"
becomes the vamp in "Kkamala" while the hero is killed off in
"Kahani Gutter Gutter kii" only to be reborn as a new love interest
in "Kahin Kisi Kuttey Ka Katl" The ones who shout "Hey
Gajanan, trahimaa, trahimaa" in the most depressing manner in Ramanand
Sagar serials sum up your supporting cast.
3.Characterisation
Choose surnames from the directory of Gujarat Seva Samiti. Dadi maa and
Dadaji HAVE to be in all the serials. Dadaji should wear spectacles (that
are at least 4 decades old) and sit in the library. Dadima should stick
to the tulsi plant and Maaji is the supervisor. Babuji should read Economic
Times no matter how old it is and sip some non-existent tea from ceramic
cups. Elder son should wear a crimson kurta at night and keep smiling
at everyone like a 5-year old does on receiving gifts at his birthday.
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Younger brother should
follow bade bhaiyya's footsteps and smile like a friend of that 5-year
old who gives him Natraj pencil and an Apsara eraser as return gifts.
The youngest son has to be a collegian who is studying medicine - his
table should have books by T.S. Eliot and J.M. Keynes. Elder Bahu has
to have a pallu over her head all the time as if she's balding. Younger
Bahu has to be more wicked than Jaya Jaitley. The kids are for namesake
and should be shown at festivals and parties only.
4.Dress
Code
'Arrarraaraa Tarang' and 'Wah Parag kya saree hai'
for femme fatales. Men should wear kurtas at home and cobalt blue shirt
and black/ brown coats for office. Kid brother should wear body-hugging
tees however hot it is. Hair gel for kid bro and Dabur brahmi aamla kesh
tel for women is an absolute necessity. SNDT should start a new 2-year
course on bindi designing. Bigger the bindi, more vital is the character.
5.Occupation
Business family with one project and an undelivered consignment which
is a matter more grave than what the Y2K problem was. Mobile shaped compass
boxes are to be used for cellular phones. Files should be empty and the
walls coloured blue or green.28pens in the penstand despite which, boss
uses secretary's pen.
6.Set
and Props
One studio, different serials, different names, different places. The
drawing room becomes a hospital ward, the kitchen can be converted into
a hotel,
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the bedroom becomes
the court...Red walls in at least one room. Wrought iron furniture is
a must.
7.Festivals
& Other Occasions
Spend 4 episodes each on preparation of the festival, the actual fest
and the hangover. Impregnate the heroine, enjoy 15 episodes of her tasting
imlis, visiting the gynaecologist, 18 more to brainstorm that she is preggers,
10 more for the godbharaai function and 5 are the minimum number of episodes
required for the labour pain and miscarriage. Repeat this with another
character after a span of 2 months.
8.Music
& Dialogue
Lost the Saregama quarter finals, never mind. Sing for Ekta's serials
and have distinct cliched aalaaps with vexing verses that go well with
the title song.
Dialogues are to be repeated by various characters in several episodes.
Sample this:
A says: "Payal ne aisa kyon kiya?"
B says: "Pata nahi Payal kya chahti hai?"
C says : "Payal ki kya chaal ho sakti hai?"
D says: "Payal ne kyon aisa kiya hoga?"
E says: "Kyon kiya Payal ne aise?"
That's it friends, now if this is how one can mint money JAM is also
stepping into T.V. serial production. Our first venture is called "Kyunki
kachre ke Dibbey Mein Kachraa Tha...."
Standing Left to Right : Wicked Bahu, Majle Bhaiyya, Babuji, Maaji, 'I'm
Back Beta', Ladla Beta, Prospective Bahu
Sitting Left to Right: Daddu, Dadiamma, Colgate Bahu with khandan ka chirag
on lap
Writer
& Model : Gautam Hegde
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