Joined: 27 January 2006
This is my first attempt at an orginal lengtly piece and would love to hear your critique on it so far. The Story is fantasy based (Think The Chronicles of Narnia meets Lord of the Rings meets Indiana Jones meets Harry Potter. ) I would really appreciate your comments. Hope you Enjoy!
She never thought that she would be sitting in a river, surrounded by talking plants, and wishing that she had never heard of the Imperial Sceptre. But that was exactly where Venita was, covered in mud, tired and a little irritated.
What did I do to deserve this she wondered aloud, expecting no one to answer but praying for an answer anyway. Picking herself up she trudged to the bank of the river, or maybe it was a creek, Venita thought, for she certainly didn't believe that this miserly body of water could be a river. Sighing, the goddess-like young woman sat on the grass next to the bank, looked around and waited. Three, two one she counted in her head and no sooner had she reached one did she hear her name being called by the impish, yet sweet boy who was her guide on this journey, who came scrambling across the creek looking worried about the fate of his charge.
For though she was elder to him, Daleel had this overwhelming need to protect her, as a brother would a sister. He had found her or maybe they found each other, two days earlier, as she unsuccessfully tried to navigate the pathways into the Fantasy Forest. The dark-haired beauty, with skin the colour of chocolate cream, in a flowing moss green dress looking helplessly at the forest paths undecided on which to take. She looked to be about twenty and two, born at the end of Great King Aurick's reign. Daleel had looked at the exquisite stranger as she consulted what looked to be a map of some sort, a map made on a delicate square of fabric, and instantly wanted to help.
Venita was now beginning on a journey that was hers to take from the moment she took her first breath. A lonely journey lay ahead, until Daleel had appeared. A young boy of ten and two, he wore the look of a regal prince in an orphan's clothes. He called to her and offered his assistance, with a shy sweet natured smile. She learnt that he lived on the outskirts of the City of Tantalis, where Venita had set out from.
Daleel lived with his ailing grandmother and the Forest was his playground. He often created havoc with the pixies that lived in the Silver Oak and played his flute for the fairies in the wood. When Venita saw this young lad, she looked at his small frame and dirty clothes, at his bare feet and grime covered hands, and for a moment sorrow came to her heart. Then he smiled revealing the look of royal under the dirt covered face.
And Venita knew what royalty looked like. Her mother was the Great King Aurick's only surviving sibling and had cared for her cousin, Prince Zadik, after the death of her brother. Venita was a year older than her cousin, and loved her brother, for that was what he was to her, with every cell in her body. She would protect his life with her own, which was why, when she learnt of the prophecy, she immediately accepted its mission without a glance back.
Zadik was now of age to take the throne, of Tantalis, which was held in trust for him until now. But before the coronation could take place, and the people of her land could rejoice the beginning of his reign, the Imperial Sceptre must be returned to the Kingdom. Zadik saw it as his duty to retrieve the Sceptre, which had been taken from the Kingdom in the centuries before now, but his father's old council, who ruled the land now, prevented this. It was then, Venita learnt of the destiny that was written for her long before she took breath.
The prophecy was handed down through the generations until this time. With it the sacred map and the protective amulet was preserved to give to the seeker The Council revealed that it was prophesized, when the Sceptre was taken a hundred plus years before, that a young maiden, full of life and beauty, borne into the royal House by the sibling of the most Noble king the land had seen , would seek the Sceptre before the coronation of the young prince of righteous name. This maiden full of grace and delight would return the majestic tool to save the Land of Tantalis from destruction by the ancient Gods and restore to the Kingdom the guidance of the throne.
Prince Zadik, understanding the meaning of the prophecy had refused to endanger his sister to such a treachous task. But Venita understood that her fate was predetermined and seeking the blessings of her mother, who knew that this day was approaching, and the Council she set out to fulfill the quest. Zadik, seeing his sister leave, insisted that he accompany her, but Venita told him, that his place was here in the Kingdom, she would return to see him install in the throne and rule the people, who waited for their beloved son to take his rightful place. She insisted that he say here, told him obey the words of his elder sister, that she was doing it for their people.
Reluctantly he held his sister, his beautiful, generous sister, praying to the Gods that she return to him one day. With tears in his eyes and a burden on his heart, for the life that his sister would endure in the search for the Sceptre, Zadik watched as she walked out the Gates of the City and head towards the woods.
Venita looked back once and the picture of her brother standing amidst the splendor of the castle, with a look of abject sadness on his face, simultaneously broke her heart and strengthen her resolve. She would return to her family, to her people after she had completed her destiny. She was determined to endure all the hardships of living the life of a nomad in the forests, so that she could ensure the safety of her people. Unbeknownst to her however, was the vow that Zadik took as she walked into the Forest. He would forsake all the pleasures in the castle and live as a hermit in the outskirts of the Kingdom until his sister is retuned to him safe and without harm.
Venita consulted the map, and headed into the Forests. She soon approached a crossroad, where she became unsure of her next step. She quizzically stared at the map trying to decipher the message it gave on which road to take. It was here that Daleel found her and offered his assistance.
This is what I have soo far, let me know what you think!
Joined: 26 January 2008
Joined: 19 May 2007
Joined: 27 January 2006
Joined: 01 June 2004
Joined: 27 January 2006
Thanks for the constructive comments. Will try to improve as I go along.
Joined: 07 January 2008
Joined: 27 January 2006
This is my first attempt in this section actually. I'm glad you liked the story, so far, I have the entire story planned out already but it more tedious writing this one than my FFs. I will try to update as soon as possible!
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