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shellytt

Senior Member

shellytt

Joined: 27 January 2006

Posts: 908

Posted: 23 May 2008 at 5:03pm | IP Logged

Hi Everyone,

This is my first attempt at an orginal lengtly piece and would love to hear your critique on it so far. The Story is fantasy based (Think The Chronicles of Narnia meets Lord of the Rings meets Indiana Jones meets Harry PotterLOLLOL. ) I would really appreciate your comments. Hope you Enjoy!

 

The Quest

 

She never thought that she would be sitting in a river, surrounded by talking plants, and wishing that she had never heard of the Imperial Sceptre. But that was exactly where Venita was, covered in mud, tired and a little irritated.

 

What did I do to deserve this she wondered aloud, expecting no one to answer but praying for an answer anyway. Picking herself up she trudged to the bank of the river, or maybe it was a creek, Venita thought, for she certainly didn't believe that this miserly body of water could be a river. Sighing, the goddess-like young woman sat on the grass next to the bank, looked around and waited. Three, two one she counted in her head and no sooner had she reached one did she hear her name being called by the impish, yet sweet boy who was her guide on this journey, who came scrambling across the creek looking worried about the fate of his charge.

 

For though she was elder to him, Daleel had this overwhelming need to protect her, as a brother would a sister. He had found her or maybe they found each other, two days earlier, as she unsuccessfully tried to navigate the pathways into the Fantasy Forest. The dark-haired beauty, with skin the colour of chocolate cream, in a flowing moss green dress looking helplessly at the forest paths undecided on which to take.  She looked to be about twenty and two, born at the end of Great King Aurick's reign. Daleel had looked at the exquisite stranger as she consulted what looked to be a map of some sort, a map made on a delicate square of fabric, and instantly wanted to help.   

 

Venita was now beginning on a journey that was hers to take from the moment she took her first breath. A lonely journey lay ahead, until Daleel had appeared. A young boy of ten and two, he wore the look of a regal prince in an orphan's clothes. He called to her and offered his assistance, with a shy sweet natured smile. She learnt that he lived on the outskirts of the City of Tantalis, where Venita had set out from.

 

Daleel lived with his ailing grandmother and the Forest was his playground. He often created havoc with the pixies that lived in the Silver Oak and played his flute for the fairies in the wood. When Venita saw this young lad, she looked at his small frame and dirty clothes, at his bare feet and grime covered hands, and for a moment sorrow came to her heart. Then he smiled revealing the look of royal under the dirt covered face.

 

And Venita knew what royalty looked like.  Her mother was the Great King Aurick's only surviving sibling and had cared for her cousin, Prince Zadik, after the death of her brother. Venita was a year older than her cousin, and loved her brother, for that was what he was to her, with every cell in her body. She would protect his life with her own, which was why, when she learnt of the prophecy, she immediately accepted its mission without a glance back.

 

Zadik was now of age to take the throne, of Tantalis, which was held in trust for him until now. But before the coronation could take place, and the people of her land could rejoice the beginning of his reign, the Imperial Sceptre must be returned to the Kingdom. Zadik saw it as his duty to retrieve the Sceptre, which had been taken from the Kingdom in the centuries before now, but his father's old council, who ruled the land now, prevented this. It was then, Venita learnt of the destiny that was written for her long before she took breath.

 

The prophecy was handed down through the generations until this time. With it the sacred map and the protective amulet was preserved to give to the  seeker The Council revealed that it was prophesized, when the Sceptre was taken a hundred plus years before, that a young maiden, full of life and beauty, borne into the royal House by the sibling of the most Noble king the land had seen , would seek the Sceptre before the coronation of the young prince of righteous name. This maiden full of grace and delight would return the majestic tool to save the Land of Tantalis from destruction by the ancient Gods and restore to the Kingdom the guidance of the throne.

 

Prince Zadik, understanding the meaning of the prophecy had refused to endanger his sister to such a treachous task. But Venita understood that her fate was predetermined and seeking the blessings of her mother, who knew that this day was approaching, and the Council she set out to fulfill the quest. Zadik, seeing his sister leave, insisted that he accompany her, but Venita told him, that his place was here in the Kingdom, she would return to see him install in the throne and rule the people, who waited for their beloved son to take his rightful place. She insisted that he say here, told him obey the words of his elder sister, that she was doing it for their people.

 

Reluctantly he held his sister, his beautiful, generous sister, praying to the Gods that she return to him one day. With tears in his eyes and a burden on his heart, for the life that his sister would endure in the search for the Sceptre, Zadik watched as she walked out the Gates of the City and head towards the woods.

 

Venita looked back once and the picture of her brother standing amidst the splendor of the castle, with a look of abject sadness on his face, simultaneously broke her heart and strengthen her resolve. She would return to her family, to her people after she had completed her destiny. She was determined to endure all the hardships of living the life of a nomad in the forests, so that she could ensure the safety of her people. Unbeknownst to her however, was the vow that Zadik took as she walked into the Forest. He would forsake all the pleasures in the castle and live as a hermit in the outskirts of the Kingdom until his sister is retuned to him safe and without harm.

 

Venita consulted the map, and headed into the Forests. She soon approached a crossroad, where she became unsure of her next step. She quizzically stared at the map trying to decipher the message it gave on which road to take. It was here that Daleel found her and offered his assistance.              

 

This is what I have soo far, let me know what you think!Embarrassed



Edited by shellytt - 03 June 2008 at 3:51pm

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*Nishi*

IF-Sizzlerz

*Nishi*

Joined: 26 January 2008

Posts: 14066

Posted: 26 May 2008 at 11:38am | IP Logged
WHOA Shocked From the first sentence i read.... wow.... i had to read it again !! i dunno,... i was sorta shocked, suprised, and happy at the same time !! it sounds so interesting !! ur right LOL just like the chronicles of narnia, ect. LOL LOL i havent read the whole thing yet.... but i will soon and post my comments Wink Big smile Big smile

indigal07

Goldie

indigal07

Joined: 19 May 2007

Posts: 2413

Posted: 26 May 2008 at 8:04pm | IP Logged
this is awesome! i rly love it! ur rly good at writing fantasy! the imagery u used and the vocabulary was fantastic! keep it up! Wink Big smile

shellytt

Senior Member

shellytt

Joined: 27 January 2006

Posts: 908

Posted: 03 June 2008 at 3:46pm | IP Logged

Continuation - Please comment and let me know what you think or any suggestions on how I can make this better. This piece is a bit slow, but I had to bring the story back to where I wanted it to be, I'm there now, so it should move more fluidly from here.

Enjoy!



Venita looked at this young boy and wondered how he could possibly help. He should be playing with his friends, not running around a lonely forest. But her heart compelled her to accept his assistance. Something about him radiated such goodness that Venita felt drawn to this young boy, who had greater things to prove. She smiled at him, and the smile warmed Daleel's heart. It was smile and a memory, long forgotton, that it evoked, that sealed the adventure to come. For Venita's smile wore the resemblance of his mother's, of the one fading memory, Daleel had of the woman who had given him life.

Daleel moved forward and together Venita and him studied the delicate map. To her mind it was a picture of lines that made little sense, for she had never been into the Fantasy Forest. But to Daleel, whose life was spent in these woods, lines meant paths played in or friends to see again. It was decided there that Daleel would accompany her, into the forests, for there was no one better that the young orphan to steer this goddess like maiden through the pathways and mysteries that lay ahead. Little did they both realize that this kinship was destined to be formed and a bond like this was difficult to break.


Venita was wandering the paths ahead of Daleel, gazing in wonder at the exotic flowers to be found in the forest. Walking on the path, with the cool shade of the trees over them and the decadent scents of the flowers all around, her thoughts began to drift from her mission. She saw the beauty of the land and her heart soared with pleasure at being able to experience this. The untouched forest was bewilderment to the pure heart of Venita. Behind her Daleel was studying the fabric on which was written the curious map. It felt like silk, but the material was unknown to him. He had never seen something so strong and so delicate, so hazy yet so transparent at the same time. While he was studying the map and its intricate drawings of every nook and cranny, it seemed, of the forest, he was paying very little attention to Venita's actions. Daleel didn't realize that Venita had wandered far ahead of him.

Venita too didn't realize how far from Daleel she had become. She was so absorbed in the beauty of the Forest that she was just wandering aimlessly. Then she heard her name. She stopped and looked around. It was then she realized that Daleel was far behind her on the path. But who had said her name she wondered? The emptiness around her could be felt in the air, yet she was sure that she heard her name. Venita strained her ear and again heard a soft, fragile voice say her name as if in a whisper. It was then that instinct led her to the single blue flower on the path. She was drawn to this strange blue hued creation, at the simultaneous boldness and subtleness of the blossom. She moved towards it as though in a trance, and was startled when she reached her hand out to touch the bloom.

"Follow the beaten path on the left and go where water flows freely, my daughter. You will find your fortune there."
The words Venita thought came from the plant but her wondered if the voice came from within. Guided by a hand unseen, Venita moved carefully forward and saw a small track to the left of the main path she was on. Without though and without fear, she moved quietly forward, onto the path. The sunlight here was almost completely blocked by the think over brush; the ground was covered in dried leaves, as Venita moved further along the path. She heard the gentle trickle of water further ahead and moved towards it.

On the main path, Daleel suddenly realized that Venita was nowhere to be seen. He called out to her but heard no response. Suddenly worried, he ran forward, not knowing where to search. For though he had played in these woods as a child, he suddenly realized that he had never been this far into the Forest. Daleel called her name, hoping for a response, but getting none. Desperate now, he stood in the path turning in circles hoping to catch a glimpse of her anywhere. Suddenly he heard a scream further ahead and instinctively knew where Venita was. As he raced ahead, he said an old prayer his grandmother had thought him as a child, hoping that Venita was well.

Venita had followed the sound of the water to the edge of the river and looked down into the clear water. Then as though awoken from a trance, Venita realized that she didn't know where she was. She looked back the way she came and heard the indistinct call of her name. She was about to open her mouth to respond to the call from Daleel, for she knew that it was he who called her this time, when suddenly the tree on the bank of the river moved, startling Venita, causing her to move backwards fearfully, into the river. It was here that she screamed.

Daleel found her, damp and as dirty as he himself looked, sitting like a Goddess amidst the splendor of the forest on the river bank. Relieved and amused at the site, Daleel ran towards Venita to inquire after her. After making sure that they were both in fine condition, Daleel suddenly stopped smiling and stared at a sight behind Venita.

Morgoth

IF-Veteran Member

Morgoth

--

Joined: 01 June 2004

Posts: 6832

Posted: 13 June 2008 at 11:44am | IP Logged
Let me start of by saying how refreshing it is to read something in this section which is NOT a love story.

Here are my comments; please don't feel offended by them.

Overall plot idea - good. No problems with the writing as such.

Chapter 1 - Your flashback (backstory) comes in too soon and is too long. We, as readers, are barely there in the scene before you tell us everything about the history. I suggest that you try releasing this information bit by bit; that will make the story more interesting.

Chapter 2 - This is better, but it can be tightened even more. If something is not necessary, or can be shortened, remove it.

I think your story should move little faster, mostly because it is plot-driven and not character-driven, and the plot also appears to have a lot of action in it.

shellytt

Senior Member

shellytt

Joined: 27 January 2006

Posts: 908

Posted: 13 June 2008 at 12:54pm | IP Logged

Originally posted by Morgoth

Let me start of by saying how refreshing it is to read something in this section which is NOT a love story.

Here are my comments; please don't feel offended by them.

Overall plot idea - good. No problems with the writing as such.

Chapter 1 - Your flashback (backstory) comes in too soon and is too long. We, as readers, are barely there in the scene before you tell us everything about the history. I suggest that you try releasing this information bit by bit; that will make the story more interesting.

Chapter 2 - This is better, but it can be tightened even more. If something is not necessary, or can be shortened, remove it.

I think your story should move little faster, mostly because it is plot-driven and not character-driven, and the plot also appears to have a lot of action in it.

Thanks for the constructive comments. Will try to improve as I go along.Smile

chhilt

IF-Rockerz

chhilt

Joined: 07 January 2008

Posts: 6450

Posted: 21 June 2008 at 6:35pm | IP Logged
shelly! i didn't know you write here as well! i used to visit this section before but since i couldn't find anything apart from love stories here i stopped visiting it! anyway your story is really good! i like the way that several of the books have merged together to make this story! keep it up and do update soon!

shellytt

Senior Member

shellytt

Joined: 27 January 2006

Posts: 908

Posted: 23 June 2008 at 11:12am | IP Logged

Originally posted by chhilt

shelly! i didn't know you write here as well! i used to visit this section before but since i couldn't find anything apart from love stories here i stopped visiting it! anyway your story is really good! i like the way that several of the books have merged together to make this story! keep it up and do update soon!

 

This is my first attempt in this section actually. I'm glad you liked the storyEmbarrassed, so far, I have the entire story planned out already but it more tedious writing this one than my FFs. I will try to update as soon as possible!

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