Special Squad

India-Forums

   
Special Squad
Special Squad

$*$ Officers Entertainment $*$ (Page 106)

maha_prakrti IF-Sizzlerz
maha_prakrti
maha_prakrti

Joined: 05 January 2007
Posts: 13994

Posted: 03 February 2010 at 9:51pm | IP Logged
Joke of the Day - Feb 04, 2010
 
Your dog's barking at the back door.
Your wife's barking at the front.
Who do you let in?
 
Well, it's your call... but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in. Wink Big smile

The following 1 member(s) liked the above post:

keep-smiling

maha_prakrti IF-Sizzlerz
maha_prakrti
maha_prakrti

Joined: 05 January 2007
Posts: 13994

Posted: 04 February 2010 at 8:26pm | IP Logged
Joke of the Day - Feb 05, 2010
 
Bill Gates' Adventures in Heaven

Ever wondered what heaven looks like ?

Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.

Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd. Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.

"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese in which case it's first name first."

"Gates, Bill." Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works. "What's going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's Saint Peter? Where are the Pearly Gates?"

Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then Gabriel looked up in surprise. "It says here that you were the president of a large software company. Is that right?"

"Yes."

"Well then, do the math chip-head! When this Saint Peter business started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are over five billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to 'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that large a population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?" "I guess not."

"You guess right."

So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions." Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."

"Job assignment?"

"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on your ass and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill. "Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with your occupational orientator. His name is Abraham." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, he's not *that* Abraham." Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait.

"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing infrastructure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries."

"I had to wait *three* weeks," said Bill. Abraham stared at Bill angrily, and Bill realized that he'd made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it's best not to contradict a bureaucrat. "Well," Bill offered, "maybe that Bosnia thing has you guys backed up."

Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance. "Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works."

Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!"

"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the center now?"

"You bet!"

Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million ....
.... Macintoshes ....
.... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte of Microsoft code!

The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill. "What about PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What about Word???"

"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.

"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.

"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then ....

.... GO TO HELL!"
maha_prakrti IF-Sizzlerz
maha_prakrti
maha_prakrti

Joined: 05 January 2007
Posts: 13994

Posted: 07 February 2010 at 8:29pm | IP Logged
Joke of the Day - Feb 08, 2010
 
Why was the lawyer studying the Bible right before he died?
He was looking for loopholes!

The following 1 member(s) liked the above post:

keep-smiling

maha_prakrti IF-Sizzlerz
maha_prakrti
maha_prakrti

Joined: 05 January 2007
Posts: 13994

Posted: 08 February 2010 at 8:46pm | IP Logged
Joke of the Day - Feb 09, 2010
 
New Lawyer
 
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.

As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking..

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million.."

"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.."

"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details.."

This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy.

What can I do for you?"

The man replied "I'm from the phone company..I came to hook up your phone."
maha_prakrti IF-Sizzlerz
maha_prakrti
maha_prakrti

Joined: 05 January 2007
Posts: 13994

Posted: 10 February 2010 at 8:36pm | IP Logged
Joke of the Day - Feb 11, 2010
 
Testifying
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:
The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."
The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."
The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question." Big smile

The following 1 member(s) liked the above post:

keep-smiling

maha_prakrti IF-Sizzlerz
maha_prakrti
maha_prakrti

Joined: 05 January 2007
Posts: 13994

Posted: 11 February 2010 at 8:46pm | IP Logged

Joke of the Day - Feb 12, 2010

10 reasons not to Exercise

1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is.

2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

maha_prakrti IF-Sizzlerz
maha_prakrti
maha_prakrti

Joined: 05 January 2007
Posts: 13994

Posted: 15 February 2010 at 5:00am | IP Logged
Joke of the Day - Feb 15, 2010
 
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
maha_prakrti IF-Sizzlerz
maha_prakrti
maha_prakrti

Joined: 05 January 2007
Posts: 13994

Posted: 16 February 2010 at 12:03pm | IP Logged

Joke of the Day - Feb 17, 2010

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
"I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!"

"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

Go to top

Related Topics

  Topics Author Replies Views Last Post
*~* Officers n E-Chat *~*

2 3 4 5 6 7 ... 149 150

Author: maha_prakrti   Replies: 1195   Views: 34711

maha_prakrti 1195 34711 03 September 2011 at 6:54am by ArRoGaNT-CHINTs
**Officers On Call** (No Comments)

2 3 4

Author: maha_prakrti   Replies: 26   Views: 5270

maha_prakrti 26 5270 15 October 2009 at 6:20am by sehar mehrotra
~*~ Officers @ Chat ~*~

2 3 4 5 6 7 ... 150 151

Author: maha_prakrti   Replies: 1203   Views: 37199

maha_prakrti 1203 37199 15 October 2009 at 12:09am by maha_prakrti
Officers Birthday Bonanza

2 3 4

Author: smritisonkar   Replies: 31   Views: 4126

smritisonkar 31 4126 11 April 2008 at 2:56am by drashti.dfan
Officers Introduction

2 3 4 5

Author: smritisonkar   Replies: 34   Views: 4817

smritisonkar 34 4817 10 April 2008 at 2:04pm by drashti.dfan

Forum Quick Jump

Forum Category / Channels
Forums

Special Squad Topic Index

  • Please login to check your Last 10 Topics posted

Check these Celebrity also

Disclaimer: All Logos and Pictures of various Channels, Shows, Artistes, Media Houses, Companies, Brands etc. belong to their respective owners, and are used to merely visually identify the Channels, Shows, Companies, Brands, etc. to the viewer. Incase of any issue please contact the webmaster.

Popular Channels :
Star Plus | Zee TV | Sony TV | Colors TV | SAB TV | Life OK

Quick Links :
Top 100 TV Celebrities | Top 100 Bollywood Celebs | About Us | Contact Us | Advertise | Forum Index