Joined: 05 August 2005
Link to Ridhima's Diary:- http://www.india-forums.com/forum_posts.asp?TID=899474&T PN=1
Link to my FF:- http://www.india-forums.com/forum_posts.asp?TID=897662&T PN=12#16076711
I thought of adding the episode links to which these diary entry sentiments belong to as people were getting confused. Hope it helps. Happy reading!
Surprised to have me writing after so long, huh??...what, almost 9 months or somthing, na?? Knowing that the usual excuses are going to sound lame...I'm just going to keep shut about the reasons of being absent.
Well, to be honest, I'm writing in you for a reason. I feel so swelled up and shattered inside...I feel like I need to get this all out somehow. These days it seems that everything is distorted in my life. It's like even the things that are right...seem to be wrong.
I fell in love 7 months ago. It wasn't how I had dreamt it out to be. Your the only thing that knows me inside out. You know how I had been waiting for this moment all my life. All those affairs, all those dates, all those girls...was all an experience so I could be ready when she entered my life.
I know that I have done a good job, all my life, of potraying how I take life as it comes. And everybody who knows me would swear that I wasn't a guy who believed in love. And to tell you the truth, I had forgotten myself. I had gotten so invovled with my work...that when it finally hit me....I tried to convince myself that it wasn't love.
She's beautiful. And warm. And sweet. And strong. And soft. She's mine. She's everything that I'm not. She's everything that I would like to be. She's everything that I would like to have....She is me.
When I'm with her...it's like there's nowhere else I would like to be. I have never felt like this with anyone. I never knew life was supposed to be like it is when I'm with her. I never knew a kiss was supposed to feel like that. I never knew a hearbeat could thump so painfully. I just never knew.
Today, I just got done with my double shifts for a whole month. I'm exhausted. But more from the inside. I don't have the energy to be near her anymore without touching her. I feel so broken and helpless.
And I fear that I'm acting the same way that I did with dad. The anger. The fury. The hurt. I just love him so much. And then when he started drinking and abusing me like that...it just changed me. I couldn't bear to hear what a b**** of a son I was. And that's how I fought back. By being a silent man. By not reacting. By building up all the pain inside me. And that's when I knew I had to get away from him. And how much ever it hurts me to say this...it helped alot.
But I'm afraid it's repeating again. But this time I just can't get away from her. It's too hard. Too agonizing. And I'm scared about what's going to end up happening between us.
The only thing I know is that...I can't let her go.
p.s- I'll try to write soon.
Monday 24th March
I looked at myself today. And I liked who I saw. It definitely wasn't the Ammy you know. Hell, even the name "Ammy" sounds so distant and alien now. Somedays, I have even tried to remember how I used to be in Kasauli. Everytime my brain goes in remembrance of those days...it automatically terms it as the "ugly days".
I look back, and I'm so glad that I decided to do something with my life. That I didn't let my medical studies go to waste. Because "this" work is mostly responsible for making me the man that I am today.
It's so complicated sometimes to figure out oneself. Being a doctor is the most beautiful acheivement of my life. I love helping and curing people. What other better job could a person do??? Spending my hours bringing a smile to the families of the sick and healing the pains of the patient have helped me cure my pains aswell. And I simply thank God for all of this.
Not to forget that I have made some life-long relationships in this place.There's this guy called Atul...who has become like a brother to me. Not that I would ever admit it to anyone, but whenever he's around...there's this feeling of comfort, understanding and a graditude of being loved. He can be a bit annoying at times...but isin't that what brothers are all about??
And Angie,Muskaan and Lovely are my co-workers. There normal people...who I can turn around at the end of the day, and I know they'll be there waiting.
And there's "her". I didn't tell you her name in my last entry, did I??..Her name's Ridhima. She's an intern too. Really smart, hardworking and dedicated.A huge contrast to all my previous girlfriends. I love her. And I know she'll be the one till the end.
Right now, I'm in the process of making her realize her mistakes of misunderstanding me.I have no idea if what I'm doing is right or whether I will succeed...but this seems like the only option. Because if she thinks I can just go back to being normal with her...she's mistaken.
Maybe she has a lot of self-resistance...but I simply cannot be near her without feeling all the sexual tension. It's just too freakin hard. How am I supposed to not touch her?? Or hold her hand?? Or kiss her?? ...coz we have been all through that...and I just CANNOT forget.
Well, this seems to be getting long...so I'll end it now. Will write later. I'll keep you updated on our ever-disastrous relationship and my topsy-turvy life. Keep praying that everything ends up fine between us. And you can't fool me diary...I know you have a mind of your own...so, you better be praying for me too. I'll see you soon. Good night!!
Thursday 27th March
Is physical pain supposed to be more painful than emotional pain?? Why is it that people carry around such a huge misconception??? Do they know how much it hurts to be in love??? Do they understand the suffering of not being loved back?? Can anybody feel my aching, agony and torment??
Who do I turn to??? Is it my fault that I don't have a normal family??? Who would actually care about their son's problems??? Is it my fault that there is not a single person who would care to ask if I'm okay???
Why is it that she's the only one who has cared in the past?? I hate her. I freakin hate her. I wish I could just tear my heart and throw her out of it. I wish I could erase all her memories. I wish I had never met her.
No...scratch that. If she was never in my life...would I even have any past happiness left??How can she not feel the pain?? Can't she see my tears??
So what...if my hand wasn't bleeding, if she cares so much about a small cut...can't she freakin see the big slash on my heart?? Why is it that she doesn't care about the bleeding in my heart??
All this physical pain doesn't hurt anymore...it actually feels good. Causing pain to my body is far better than causing it internally.
I'm helpless. Right now, my hand's bleeding and my eyes are watery with tears...but I don't care enough to wipe both. Let them flow.
Maybe Armaan Malik will wash away from this earth with them. I wish "I" will. Everybody can live happily then. Even you.
Tuesday 1st April
"Always depend on the kindness and support of strangers"
This was a quote I had heard long ago...and it just stuck in my head. Never actually thought about it...but suddenly it seems to have been applied in my life.
It just seems yesterday that he came in my life as a patient, then as a nuisance, then as a problem solver, then as a director...and now as a friend.
Reading my earlier entries...it ashames me to even think that I'm so shallow. I have so much in this world. I have a family, great friends, a good house, a beautiful profession...everything that a human needs. Still, I go crib and complain for the smallest things. Why is it that humans fail to see all the good things that they have and only concentrate on the bad ones??
I think a person just needs to have an open and calm mind to appreciate the smallest of things and pass over the worst ones. If I really think about it, it's not so hard. Yes, I understand that I've been kinda immature about the whole faisco with Ridhima. Okay,REALLY immature...but that's not even the point. The point is that I got so freakin immersed in the whole sadness of the situation...that I think I over-reacted. I behaved in a way that I shouldn't have.
And now that I go back a few steps and remember the moments...it's so clear that I was playing a part in making OUR relationship break apart. I should have stopped, thought it out and gone ahead. But I just rushed. In my quick pace of making everything right, I took hasty decisions...and wrong ones, I guess.
But the biggest mistake was trying to be the Armaan that she admired. Was the biggest mistake. Shouldn't have done that. But the good news is that the Armaan she fell in love with is really similar to the REAL Armaan. So, there won't be much a difference when we get back together. Just a few qualities go out...and I'm back to myself. Thank god. I missed me.
So anyways, as I started out...Nana...like a true blue friend...bought this all to light...and forced me to realize my mistakes...and lead me to think about it...and make it right. He's such a great man. It's only his sickness that keeps him trapped in Sanjeevani...otherwise with the talent he has...not only in his profession...but the talent of bringing light and laughter in every person's life...would have made him go places. Truthfully, PEOPLE LIKE HIM MAKE US REALIZE WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT.
He is the man. And I'll forever be indebted to him.
And how do I go without mentioning something about her. She was looking simply gorgeous in blue today. She was appointed as the monitor...and something about her taking control...was just soo damn sexy. I love her. Feel like screaming that from the rooftops. She's basket. My girl.
p.s- And just if your wondering...I'm working on winning her back.
Monday 7th April
I love you....I love you...I love you....I love you.....I love you...I FREAKIN LOVE YOU!!!! I love you...I love this pen...I love this table....I even love this damn tissue paper. I love my house, I love being a doctor, I love my clothes(even I have to admit of having a good fashion sense...hehe), I love this world. I love everything right now.
God, I just danced for the last 2 hours...okay,not dance...but jump,smile,twirl,dream...the whole saga!! I'm so happy right now...that my hands are shaking. Like literally. I can feel this energy searing up in me and trying to burst. I just can't keep still. Seems like I have gone crazy. If a normal person could see me right now, I would easily be passed off as a mental case...or maybe as someone in love.
So anyways, want to know the events of my day...coz I'm seriously dying to tell someone. It almost seems unreal. Acha...toh first basket was going ballistic coz someone(may he have all the happiness in the world) had mixed bhaang in the laddoos...and me, being the typical Armaan, got all protective even in my state of being slightly intoxicated and went to check if she was okay. Apparently NOT. The girl was going bonkers...couldn't even stand properly. So, being the hero that I am of our love story, picked her up and took her back to the car. As I sat her in her seat and closed the passenger door, I had this guy come up from behind all angry...coz apparently, while basket was on my shoulder she was spitting out water on the passer-byes. Hehe...she's so damn sexy!!
Reached home...thankfully, Angie had told me earlier that Nani was off to some relative's house..got out of the car, and the next thing I know, basket's trying to fly all around with her arms sticking out. Though she looked cute. Then started the whole situation of finding the keys. I was dumb enough not to check her purse before asking...coz it was the worst decision to ask her about them. She went crazy trying to first convince me of having eaten the keys...then trying to take the keys out through her shirt. I was starting to get irritated, but her flapping of the shirt made me just want to pull her in my arms. God, I just wish I could.
Okay, back from dreamland...next thing I know, she's on my back singing this tune of "Chal mere ghode...tik tik tik"...damn hilarious!! I was like...what the hell is going on??...is this the "Ridhima" that I love?? If I knew she would act this way in the influence of alcohol...I would get her drunk everyday...hehe. Oh, and she got all fussy about me showing my dimples to her. Then, she started to believe that she would drown if she got off my back....so I carried her back to her bed and laid her down. Damn...the sight of her in bed...made me just want to lie down next to her and cuddle her.
Now here comes the BIG part. As I'm leaving, she grabs my hand and asks me not to leave. What more does a man want to hear from the girl he loves?? And the next minute, I'm turning to leave...and she utters those magic words. ILU. I love you. I can't describe you the painful thump in my heart. It was so intense and strong...I just felt like contracting it. But then this whole feeling of happiness burst in...and there was no looking back!!
I have been on a high since this afternoon...it's just been 6 hours after that "beautiful" moment...and I can still feel the love around me. It's everywhere. It was there when I took a shower...cooked some dinner...looked at the photoframe she had gifted me...and it's still here as I'm talking to you.
Looks like this is the happiness everyone talks about when in love...finally, I seem to be experiencing it again. How could I have ever been mad at her??She's my heart.My life. There's nothing more to me than her. And I hope it always stays that way.
What's up baby?? How have you been doing lately?? Your leather frontcover seems to be rusting...the only option is to replace it...coz I just can't replace the whole you with a new book. It's been 12 years that I have had you now...it seems so be a whole sweet journey of a lifetime. Remember how I used to carry you in my schoolbag everyday...and then to part time jobs in my briefcase...but then I just had to take you out due to shortage of space...it took me a while to get the nagging feeling of putting you back in the bag. So, we go a long way back jaan. I just wanted to convey to you how special you are as you have known and shared my feelings all this while.
Moving on to more things...I was just laying down here and remembering my first few dates with Basket. The very first one was in the Basketball court. Hehe...you won't believe this, but it took me so much time and courage to make that call to ask her out. Yes me...the cool and confident Armaan Malik. But were talking about my love here...so it had to be all tingly and special. So, after putting it off for 10 minutes...then fumbling for another 10...I finally called...and it was like I was a teenager again. All the tension, nervousness and awkwardness had returned. But she was so sweet and beautiful...she only replied with this long pretty "hmmm" silences.
Then the night arrived. Tension about what to wear...and you very well know that it's not only girls who care about how they look. I mean, even guys have this nervousness of looking good and trying to impress the girl. After trying out some flashy clothes...I rememberd how simple Basket is. She really is. She can look like the most gorgeous person in the hospital in a simple electric blue shalwar-kameez while Angie or Muskaan are wearing jeans and vests around her. I mean it's just not her style...it's also her beauty which is so breathtaking...it's almost hard not to grab hold of her and kiss her. I just hope there's no one else who has fallen for her...coz I don't want any heartbreaks around when I finally make her mine.
Completely digressed from the topic huh??...Ridhima has that effect on me. Now do you believe how serious I am about this girl?? Acha anyways...so I chose a simple white transparent shirt over blue jeans. The most normal outfit I could have imagined. And should I say the most perfect one..coz it blended so well with her yellow dress.
She was an hour late...but I just couldn't make myself leave...there was this stubborness that was holding me back and convincing me of her arrival. Finally, she arrived. OMG...I just cannot explain you the feeling I got in the pit of my stomach at her sight. It was like nothing I have ever experienced before. And I swear, I actually heard background music. Just confirmed the whole scene...that this was the girl.
Okay...so I had thought out everything...and had kept my options open. I would probably make small conversation...or ask her on what we should do for the evening...or just leave it to spontaneity. But I swear...the moment I saw her...I just needed to touch her. It was this desirable need. She looked so freakin seductive...I just had to get close to her.
So...this must have been the weirdest thing to have happened to a couple on their first date...but I just went ahead and leaned my forehead on hers with our nose tips touching. I could hear her heartbeat rythm matching mine...it was so loud. She questioned me on my waiting...and I just blurted out some cheesy romantic dialouges...don't blame me,it was the whole atmosphere. From there...we just progressed.
Then, I don't know why I did it...but I just felt that this was the right thing to do at that moment. We were so close to kissing...she was all up for it. Which is pretty weird...coz when we got together later on...she would be all shy and awkward about it...but that night, I guess she felt like doing it. So, I'm dying to feel her lips...but suddenly, I just open my eyes...look at her closed eyes with those long pretty eyelashes...and ask her for a BB match.
It was so out of the blue. But I must say...it was the right thing to do. It felt so right. I have never had so much fun on any date. We played BB for an hour in the rain. It was our first date. A pefect date.
Btw, one more thing about her. She plays Basketball as good as me. I'm sure we'll have pretty romantic BB matches in the future....including some competitive ones. Hehe...God has all these great plans up there for all of us.
So...that was our first one. Then there was another one where I had asked her out on a movie. But she ended up with our whole Sanjeevani gang. So the movie was kinda ruined. But when I dropped her home that night...the air was so thick with passion...I could almost touch it. She was also caught on by the spell. So that was another of my memorable nights with her. Will talk about it in another entry.
So....that's it for today. I'm holding up fine in this big fortress. Just felt like talking to you about our moments spent together...coz their all that's left for me. And I don't want to loose any of it...incase,there all that I'll always have of her.
Thursday 1st May
I'm so confused with my life right now. I don't know which direction it's going in. And the main problem seems to be that...I don't even have the power to hold it all together.
First, the biggest issue is related to Ridhima. I have no idea what's come over her. We had a bet over a BB match that whoever wins, the other will serve as a slave for a week to the other person. I wanted to win coz mainly I found the bet quite amusing. I knew Ridhima would hate doing anything for me. But things turned out to be quite the opposite.
Apparently, she loves doing work for me. In other words, she loves irritating the hell out of me. The whole day she's after me like some disease. I would have actually loved all this attention before...but after all that's happened between us...I just can't deal with all this stress.
I just CANNOT figure her out. What the hell does she want from me. How many times have I freakin confessed to her during our fights that I'm madly in love with her. How many times have I shouted at her that she's killing me internally. How many times have I asked her to stay away from me. Then why the hell doesn't she understand???...Have I fallen in love with someone who loves toturing her loved ones?? If she doesn't want to be with me...then why can't she just get out of my life???
At this point, I would really like some distance from her. Yes, I have admitted the fact that she'll always be "my heart" magar I'm coming close to accepting that she denied to take "my heart" too. I just need a complete closure regarding her.
But then she walkes back in my life...and starts getting closer again. She wants to help me, work with me, eat with me...but she doesn't want to be with me. DAMN HER. Then why the hell am I supposed to tolerate her presence near me when she very well knows how attracted I am to her?? Just today, she insists that I let her sew my button back on my shirt. She was so freakin close....I could feel her breath on my chest. She does things like these which make me go crazy. I really need to control myself sometimes...like the time she gave me a neck massage...the feel of her touch after so long sent sparks in me.
Since the day she has entered my life...it just seems to be a whole drama. Kabhi love to kabhi takraar to kabhi awkwardness. I just wish I could have had a sweet simple love story for my life. I'm a normal guy...why all this heavy tension for me??...hehe, I'm sorry jaan...I'm throwing too many questions at you...my mistake...I'm sorry!!
Acha, I'll stop about Basket now. I don't want to think about her right now. That's another thing that I love remembering our sweet memories. That's inevitable. But nothing about her now.
How about I talk about my other friends. Rahul...remember him?? The nerd from Kasauli?? Hehe...yep, he's a doctor at Sanjeevani now. One of my co-interns. Not such a bad guy. I used to bully him around in college days...but I seriously hated him when he used to flirt with Ridhima. Used to get on my nerves. But I'm cool with him now. He's a good person. Not seen him do anything good magar Bi tells me alot of things about him...and I trust Bi when she claims that he has good intentions and doesn't have anything against me.
Next is Angie. I really don't have any time with her these days. We just meet in the locker room and eat lunch in the cafeteria every day. That's it. But she was my first friend in Sanjeevani. So she's special. And if you were to match me with someone who had the same intrests as me...it would definitely be Angie. She's totally like me. That's why I guess I was never attracted to her and was to Ridhima. Opposites attract and all that bakwaas.
Then there's Muskaan. She's okay. When you need a laugh or even a better mood...you just need to go to her and listen to her yap. It's quite entertaining. But only to a limit. I'm not sure where she stands in my life. There's still this bitterness for her coz it was for her personal reasons that me and Ridhima broke up. And the fact that I didn't even get to vent out my anger at her for all the damage in my life...added to the whole sourness. Maybe one day I'll get over it.
Atul. Mera bhai. He's the last person you'll expect me to be hanging out with coz were so different. But being the only two male co-interns at the beginning of the year is what must have triggered such a close bond between us. I love the guy. He's always been there for me unknowingly. Offereing all his advive, support and love blindly.
But ya...the closest I've ever been to anyone was Ridhima. And this was when we weren't even together. She had this tendency to know about my moods. There were times where I was so surprised to find her behind me. Like the time I was suffering during Minnie's attack. Her act of consoling me...caring enough to bring food for me...caring enough to find a way for Minnie's recovery...astounded me. I still remember the burst of love I felt for her at that time...if I would have conveyed it to her...she wouldn't have been able to understand it. She wouldn't have been able to understand that noone had ever cared to console me whenever I had cried...that noone had ever bought food for me when I didn't eat...that noone had cared that much about me.
God, I still love her so much. I think I should just go to sleep. It's depressing me even more. I had come to relieve some of my tension but remembering things seems to be more painful. Acha, I'm off now. Pray for me. I need it. Take care. Love you. Bye.
I know I have been absent from your pages for quite some time now. But there were things happening in my life which kept me distracted. Don't want to talk about them though. Maybe later. Before I go on...how have you been jaan? You know, sometimes I pray to God that you could have answered back to me. Your so real to me that it pains to learn the reality of your existence sometimes. If only you were a human being...but nontheless, your my best friend and my most closest family member. So THANK YOU for everything baby.
Now the reason why I'm writing. As I have told you earlier, there's noone with whom I can discuss about my relationship with Basket. Nobody's aware that we used to be together. But this is not even regarding that.
She just left. Without meeting me. God, my heart's literally breaking. All I can tell you is that, I could have never left like that without meeting her. It would have been simply impossible for me. Maybe not for her. I guess I'll have to stop thinking about the pain and concentrate on telling you what I want to.
She left me a letter. Just read it. And as she hasn't stayed behind to hear my response to the letter and also as I have noone to discuss my feelings with right now...Here I am! So here goes...
"Armaan...Dil mein tumhare liye bahut baate thi. Kuch tum sunna nahi chahte the, kuch main kehna nahi chahti thi. Aur jab bhi dil ki baat zubah per laane ka waqt aaya, toh uske baad kuch karneka mauka hi nahi mila"
If only she was here. I swear I would do anything to hear what she always wanted to tell me. Why is it hard for both of us to confess what we truly feel about each other?? Why has it always been so hard for us to be open and comfortable with each other?? I wish we had communicated this way alot earlier. A letter seems to have conveyed a lot more than we ever did. Maybe a relationship could have been saved.
"Sabse pehle "Thanx"...agar tumne mujhe gunde se bachaya nahi hota, to pata nahi kya hota."
FINALLY! I still can't believe the girl has actually thanked me. You must be confused. Well, let's just say Ridhima has never felt the need to thank me for helping her in some tough situations. Because according to her, I'm always the one who lands her in trouble. But this...I'm so freakin shocked. And happy I guess. It feels nice to hear it from her.
"Waise us problem mein bhi main tumhare waje sehi phasi thi"
There she goes. I knew it was too good to be true. What did I tell you? In the end...it's always Armaan's fault. And yet it never ceases to amaze me that I love this girl like anything. God help me. Hehe.
"Tumko yeh bura laga ke maine thanx nahi bola. Tumne yeh kabhi socha ke agar tum woh stupid mazak nahi karte, toh main un gunde ke haath jati nahi. Galti tumhari hi hai"
She's right. I shouldn't have played such a dangerous joke on her. It was irresponsible of me. I can't even imagine what would have happened if I hadn't been there to save her on time. How the hell could I have let her get kidnapped?? I'll seriously never forgive myself for that. If something would have happened to her, I don't know what I would have done.
"Aur meri bhi. Hum dono ki"
That's my girl. That's the reason why I love her. She'll not say it...but I know she feels that way. Thanks to the letter...she has conveyed her feelings for the first time. I always understood the tactics of our relationship. She never used to have difficulty forgiving anyone else or apologizing to others. But with me?? Hell no! She would never do that with me. But as I said, I always knew in my heart that she felt that way.
"I think hamari hamesha yehi problem rahi hai. Dono ka dimaag kharab hai. Dono ki ego itni badi hai ke ek hospital to kya, ek duniya bhi hamare ego sambhal ne ke liye kam padegi"
My favorite part. She touched the jackpot, hasn't she? I so agree with the part. Both of us are seriously too much. We can never accept that the other is right. We'll fight till the morning but we'll never agree. That's how we both are. Kya jodi hai yaar. I don't know what God was thinking when he paired us up. Hehe...well, I'm thankful anyways. In a strange way, it's kinda a turn on for me that both of us are so tough and argumentative.
"Mujhe pata hai...tum meri baat se agree nahi karte. After all, hamari doosri problem bhi yehi hai. Ek baat pe dono maan jaye...KABHI NAHI!"
My first reaction...When do we agree on the same thing?? Hehe...As I said above, we'll never let peace avail between us. I don't know how we manage to work on the same case in the hospital without killing each other. Well, I think with time we managed to keep the fights out of our professional lives. It sure hadn't started that way. In our first case, we ended up arguing about the cause of the injury in front of the patients. Then we kept a bet on who would win. And if that was not enough, we decided to make the losing person a personal slave to the winner for a week. Hehe...were such crazy people. So yeah, she's right. We have always had problems in agreeing with each other.
"Hum dekhte same cheez hai, lekin dono ka dekhne ka nazariya alag hai"
Okay, so I agree with this. Magar so what?? Were two different people, won't we have two different perspectives?? So what if we fight on things...isint it always good to have debates? I need to make her understand this fact when I meet her. If she thinks this is one of the problems between us...then she is hugely mistaken.
"Armaan...meri life simple hai. Main ek seedhi saadhi ladki hoon. Aur ek seedhi saadhi zindagi jeena chahti hoon"
And why do you think I fell in love with you?? God, doesn't she realize that her simplicity is my biggest attraction towards her. She makes me fall more in love with her when she does things that I would never do. She is all that which I'm not. And it's not like I'm not simple too. As stated above, our views of simplicity are different. We have different definitions for it. And she can't blame me for not trying...coz I did. I tried my best to be the Armaan she would approve of. But this taught me a lesson the hard way...never try to change yourself in love.
"Tum ek tedhe medhe ladke ho...jiski zindagi bhi usi ki tarah tedhi hai"
There is only one person who knows how to prick my heart the hardest...and that's Ridhima Gupta. She truly knows where to hit so that it pains the most. Well whatever, I don't think I can ever prove to her that I'm not that tedha. I have tried to show her...magar I don't think she will ever change her view on that. Although, a good argument that I could put forth in front of her is that...if she's seedhi saadhi and I'm tedha...then were meant for each other. Opposites attract and all. Hehe...I'm wicked, man.
"Main yeh nahi keh rahi hoon ke main sahi hoon aur tum galat, lekin mere liye har choti choti baat mein pyaar hai. Aur tumhare liye, yeh choti choti baatein koi mayney nahi rakhti"
This I don't understand. I thought I was the romantic one here. I was always the one trying to find romance in our every moment. What did I miss?? If she thinks that our every moment of love didn't matter to me and only the big moments did...then sadly, she doesn't know me at all. How could she think like that?? Wasn't I the one who always wanted to hold her hand?? Wasn't I the one who always dragged her into stairways to spend some time together?? Wasn't I the one who kept nagging her for a coffee break every hour?? And yet I'll have to ask her...What did I miss??
"Shayad main sahi hoon ya shayad tum. Lekin yeh sach hai ki hamari duniya alag hai. Aur shayad isliye laakh koshisho ke bawajood hamare jhaghde aur jhaghde hi hote hain"
I'll not lie. This part made me cry. From inside. It bought back all our bitter memories. But most of all, it reminded me of the fact that however much I tried, I couldn't stop loving her. I can't think of us apart. Atleast not in the long term. I don't think I will be able to bear seeing her with any other man. True, that we always fight...but I always fought with the thought that this was another form of our love. Why can't she view these things from my perspective? The difference is that she's always trying to find the negative aspects of our relationship and I'm always trying to find the positive aspects.
"Main yehi baat tumhe samjhana chahti thi. Baar baar koshish ki. Lekin tum mujhe hi galat samjh baithe"
Baby, that's not only my fault. You would say things like that which would make me react that way. But I'm still sorry. I wish I had cooled down and listened to you atleast once. But why couldn't you have waiten for me now before leaving?? How could you have left without seeing me?? Was it that easy for you??
"Hum dono ek saath nahi reh sakte"
I can't say anything to that. Just that...I will never let that happen. In my mind and heart, you just belong to me Basket. I love you and that's the truth of my life. You can't change that.
"Armaan mujhe galat mat samjhna. Par hamare raaste alag hai"
Raaste alag honge. But manzil nahi. Were supposed to arrive at the same destination. And we will. Some day.
So yeah, that was basically her letter. God knows when I'll see her again. But giving my response to the letter has helped me. Thanks to you as usual. Acha, dinner time. Have to go. See you soon. Bye beautiful.
Armaan...who misses his Ridhima.
Thursday 24th January
This happened when we were together. It was "those" days. God...I was just someone else during that time period. Every morning when I got up, I felt so elated. I was always in a happy mood. It was just the happiness inside me of having her. Every night before going to sleep, I would rejoice in the fact that she still belonged to me. That I had managed another day of keeping her.
It's just this feeling. When you realize that you finally have her after so long, you just want to protect each one of those moments. Every second spent with her counts for you. Every small gesture of her makes you feel happy. You want to jump, dance and lift her in your arms in the middle of the hospital. And shout that she's yours.
But ofcourse, after a while, there are some low moments too. Like the time you didn't want to be having that conversation with her because you knew that it was on the dangerous height of turning into an argument. Or the time you disagreed with her on normal things. Or the time when you were mad at her because she failed to understand you. Just all those times.
Of one of those times...is this night that remains. It started out like our normal fight. I was mad at her for taking me so lightly whenever I needed to talk to her. So I backfired in a teasing manner by telling her mother that I preferred girls in short clothes. That started the whole thing.
We had a small fight about that in the hallway. But then what happens? The next thing I know, she's sitting in the cafeteria flirting with Rahul. I mean c'mon, that's such an old trick. But the damn thing always works. We had another fight over that on the terrace. I screamed at her for flirting with her and she screamed right back at me of being more attracted to other girls. Well, that was it. We left the hospital without speaking to each other that day.
Of course, it killed me from inside. But I just wasn't going to be the first one to apologize when she started this whole silly fight. So, I swallowed my nagging emotion to talk it out with her and went back home. But you know me...I'm just too soft whenever she's concerned. Come to think about it, I'm just too sweet man. I'm always the one who's trying to make things right in our relationship. So ya, I convinced myself that night about me being the culprit behind the fight and decided to call her to apologize.
And believe me, girls just love it when your the first one to take the initiative of apologizing. I guess it makes them realize that they have a reliable man who'll always be there to make things right. That's true in my case...atleast with her. So I called her and she switched the phone off on me. Hehe....that was quite horrifying. I mean, during that period, I was always scared of her. Of what would tick her off. So this incident pretty much scared me a little.
Hehe...so I thought that the most logical solution was to gift her an Indian outfit to show her that I didn't mean anything about the short skirts and all. That I was just trying to tease her. So, did the arrangements, had dinner, and drove to her house by 9:45.
Now, let me just make it clear that I didn't know that she would be alone at the house. I had heard that Dr.Shashank was leaving for Lonavla...but I had no idea that even Angie and Nani were going with him. Just wanted to put that out. Hehe.
So as usual, I decide to take the window route instead of the door. Woh saale Atul ka sab asar hai. His advice always turns up on me. He says ke hoga kuch aur hota kuch aur hai. Well anyways, I jump through her window and my heart literally stopped for a few good minutes.
Oh my god. She was definitely someone else. I just couldn't be this lucky. Or could I? I haven't seen anything more gorgeous than her. She looked beautiful and sexy. Now that's a different thing. A girl can either be beautiful or sexy. But a combination of both means that she's on a whole higher level. She was twirling around in this black miniskirt and black halter top in front of the mirror.
I just sat behind the curtains staring at her. Thank god that I'm a nice guy. Otherwise I'm telling you, if it was some bigdawa ladka...he wouldn't have controlled himself. And I wouldn't blame him. It was too hard to not just run across the room and grab her. God, she looked so damn seductive.
So yeah, I'm still staring at her when some timer starts beeping. She stops her little dance moves and runs off the kitchen. For a moment ot two, I just sat there trying to absorb the feelings. She had left me stunned with her beauty. I hadn't ever imagined her in this kind of clothing....but seeing her in them, did things to me.
Dropping the gift on the bed, I ran to the kitchen. She was trying to pull something out from the top shelf. Now I couldn't control myself any further. I moved behind her and placed my hand on top of hers to guide her with the container. Wrong move. She turned around so suddenly, that she kinda slammed into me. After that we just made some awkward conversation about me being wet from the rain. She left to get me a towel to get dried up. I followed her, took the towel and started drying myself.
She had left to the kitchen again. I could see how embarassed she was at being caught in such a state. And the right thing for me was to give her the gift and leave. But no, I go back to the kitchen like a dumb ass. The next thing that happened, increased her embarassed state. In her hurry to move away from me, she tripped and stepped on broken glass.
I ran to her side. Now this was a dilemma. How the hell was I supposed to lift her up on the table? Doing so would require me to touch some part of her exposed skin...and I was sure she wouldn't allow me to do that now. So finally after some struggle, she lifted herself up on the table. Thank god for me being a doctor. I took off the shards of glass from her feet and applied some ice to it.
Then when she was ready to get off the table, I offered my hand to her. Which she didn't take. I was starting to get a little pissed at her now. Was it my fault that she was injured in this kind of clothing? Girls are just too much. But even I didn't let her take order...picked her up right then and carried her to the bedroom.
Now, that's not a good place to be. Especially when the guy is wet, the girl is in short clothes, nobody's home, the girl's leg is injured...and the wind is blowing. C'mon man, that's the most perfect setting. How the hell was I supossed to leave?
Come to think of it, I think it was God's will. Coz I tried two times to leave after covering her with this yellow dupatte(hehe...Shubhankar sir, you listening?) but the damn thing kept coming off. So finally, I decided to let myself be free. I walked back to her.
I touched her hair. They felt smoother than before. I cupped her face in my hands. It just felt so right...how could this be wrong? I guided her hand to my cheek and she willingly obliged. We bought our foreheads together and started moving around. It was like a slow dance...only more romantic. I felt so close to her then. It was our emotional moment. The moment of our connection. Slowly, she leaned her head on my shoulder. On instinct, I moved her hair from her neck and kissed it gently. I don't remember how many times I did or for how long...but that it felt so right. And good.
Ah...that moment. That night. It was truly magical. After that, she pretty much came back to her senses and even I realized what I had done. All my mehnat of trying to build our relationship on an emotional level was going to go down the drain. My one mistake could have changed her whole perception of me. But thankfully, she understood. We talked about it the next day in the hospital and everything was fine after that. I should talk about that sometime. It was a good conversation.
Let's end it here. My hand's kinda hurting. Btw, guess what I heard from Angie? That she owns a diary too. Can you freakin beleive it?? She never told me about it when we were together...but wait, even I didn't. I wonder if she ever wrote anything about me in there. What do you think?
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