Originally posted by: Madmadgirl
Way to go Gauri!!! Loved your responses!
thanks
Would it be fair to say then that you are a reflection of your parent's upbringing - and have chosedn to bring up your children in the same way? or have you created subtle differences - because you think you could do it better
i think we all are a reflection of our upbringing, values, and life's experiences. even though i chose to raise my girls w/o any expectations of getting something in return from them other than they growing up to be confident and loving women...just like my parents did with me.....my parenting style is still a lot different than my parents. for example, i do not come down hard on them if they skip cleaning their rooms or make their beds but i totally ground them if they miss that perfect A even if barely by a single point. my mom was lot harder on all other stuff and she was always motivating us to do better at school but she was not a fanatic about it like i am. there are numerous other instances where i am different than my parents.
it's not about doing something better than my parents. i am not competing with them here...right. it's more about raising my kids the way i feel is best for them keeping in mind the geographic, cultural, and era differences. by era i mean world rt now is not what it used to be when i was a 13 yr old or an 8 yr old. i grew up in india and my girls r growing up in the u.s. there's no way i can use the same yardstick as what my parents used and do a decent enuff job of raising my girls. let's put it this way - they did their best for me and i'm doing my best for my girls...in that sense, i'm doing what they did. the approach is quite different though😊
For me the key is all about expectations. In my humble experience, Asian parents in particular have huge expectations of their children, and expect to be consulted about all major decisions concerning their children's lives. Ther eis therefore a control element to them.
luckily, my parents were there for me but never expected to be involved or influence my decisions. they were there as guides and someoen who'll always be there no matter how things turn out. i attribute my successes and good qualities to them and take full ownership for any short comings that i have because, at times, i was the one making that judgment call to go for something that was totally against the values instilled in me. i made some mistakes and learned my lessons....big deal...life goes on😊
Those children when they in turn become parents have an uncanny knack of repeating exactly the same mistake!
yes, unfortunately most do that.
I would like to empower my children from a young age and to encourage them to think before they act or take a decision. But if they do, I want to be able to step back and let them deal with it and any consequences.
same here😊
In so doing I'm hoping it will them strong and confident knowing I'm always there if they want me but I'm big enought o see they have a brain of their own and am confident enough in my upbringing to ensure they use it wisely!
goes for me too. i'll be there to guide them or may be advise them if i don't feel comfortable about something they are about to do but their decisions have to be their own...just like my parents did with me. that said; i'll always be there no matter what they get themselves in to w/o saying...told ya😆
😡M😡
hey, some great points here. loved discussing this with u😊
Originally posted by: Madmadgirl
In many cultures and traditions, parents rely on their children and have expectations of them, whether it is to look after them when they are old, to marry the person of their choice or simply to respect them and to heed their advice.
Is this right? Do children "owe" their parents simply because they brought them up?
Children do not "owe" their parents anything. Parents have the choice to bring in a child into this world - it is not a duty or an obligation (unless you're married to a monarch/into a family more concerned with preserving bloodlines).
Similarly, children have the choice to take care of their parents. If the parents are loving and nurturing, this choice is not so difficult for the child.
Should parents see nurturing and bringing up their children as something they did out of love or duty?
Love. Never duty.
Do most parents see their children as individuals or as extensions of themselves, or a chance to live life "second time round" and to do it differently
I do not speak for most as I dont have stats on that. However, some parents do. They have their child's life planned out - mostly with great intentions or for the child's greater good. However, they need to understand that they can't always protect their children from everything - some things are better learnt the hard way.
Neither can they live vicariously through their children - the child is an individual and has his/her own dreams or ideas.
Parents can guide children. But, at the end of the day, the choice must remain with the child.
Would love to hear your views!
😡M😡
Originally posted by: return_to_hades
Children do not owe their parents, in the sense that they are their own individuals. Everyone has the right to make their own life choices and decisions. Parents should not expect children to do everything especially important decisions like career choices, marriage, children, etc.
What children do owe is gratitude and respect. Be genuinely grateful for what parents have done and show appreciation in whatever they can. Respect their parents choices, they may not listen to their parents but they can respect their advice and give it due consideration and be open to working a compromise.
Sometimes parents are aware of mistakes they made in their life or opportunities lost and want to inform their kids about such choices and consequences. It is a delicate matter and sometimes they cross the line treating children like their extensions. Parents should be mindful of the fine line and give their children space to grow their individuality. At the same time children as they grow should try to understand their parents and try to see where they come from. Mutual cooperation is the key to happy families.
the question is if parents did sacrifices for the kid why cant the kids do the same for teh parents.. (sorry I just finished watchin bagban on sony...😆).. so u owe more than just gratitude and respect.... if u dont believe that u should check out the kids and their plight in orphanages....and just visualize as a could have been one of them if the parents asserting their individuality would have considered leaving their kids at the door-step of such places as an after thought to the idea that kids are fun but they are also a pain;... a place where a bright future was a mere possibility....😊
Originally posted by: chatbuster
i think it depends on the situation-
a. useless kid/ good set of parents;
b. useless kid/ useless parents;
c. good kid/ useless parents;
d. good kids/ useful parents.
problems stem when we have b or c. That's when it seems more like a chore, not a blessing. 😊
and yes, relatively speaking, there can be bad parents in a sense- the types who havent done their best all their lives to ensure a good happy start for their kids, or parents who tie their kids down from making smart career moves and not letting them go out into the world.
with rich families, it's less of a problem. kid will have an uncanny knack of knowing which way his inheritance bread is buttered. more a case of a. or d. 😉on the other hand, i think these problems abound in middle-class families: who owes what and how much become more important there😉
got confused😕..will you explain it please😊
Originally posted by: qwertyesque
the question is if parents did sacrifices for the kid why cant the kids do the same for teh parents.. (sorry I just finished watchin bagban on sony...😆).. so u owe more than just gratitude and respect.... if u dont believe that u should check out the kids and their plight in orphanages....and just visualize as a could have been one of them if the parents asserting their individuality would have considered leaving their kids at the door-step of such places as an after thought to the idea that kids are fun but they are also a pain;... a place where a bright future was a mere possibility....😊
well said qwerty👏
yes, in an ideal world, we shldnt have words/ feelings like "owe" and "expect" between parents and kids. by the time one starts thinking in terms of "owing", we are already far down the path of a selfish individual mind-set. something has already been lost in the relationship. in a sense, it's then like any other transaction, though of course with more binding. within the context of that non-ideal relationship, then i suppose it doesnt matter- one just does what one can get away with.
it also seems to me that these questions of who owes what and how much arise more in situations where either the kid or the parent is hopeless, in middle-class families where they have to count what everyone eats, in other resource-contrained situations. clearer now?😉
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