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The Enemy within

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Ritika2025

Goldie

Ritika2025

Joined: 15 June 2007

Posts: 2496

Posted: 05 December 2007 at 8:41am | IP Logged

Hello everyone....I am new to this forum...
 I am not very good at this...Infact i wrote this story in less than 1 hr because it was needed for an assignment to be submitted next day....Just thought of sharing with you guys..Please leave your comments , Suggestions ,remarks..
Smile

Standing  by the window, he watched the run rays entering the otherwise dark room….as if trying to defy  the darkness….Morning had finally dawned….at least it seemed so….

There was something special in that morning, something that made him excited, happy and nervous….maybe the warm weather….maybe the freshness of the morning air or maybe just the fact that he would be released today….

Yes, he was going to be Free, to go back to his home….

'Home'… just a mere thought of his family was enough to bring a smile on his face…if it was possible for anybody to  be eager for something and scared of facing it at the same time, he was.." Anu  will be happy to see me. I have got over those voices, "he spoke unconsciously as if trying to assure himself …

Five years ago…that was when it had all begun. He had lost a job  again and plunged himself into drinking. "Why the hell doesn't she understand me? Sitting outside his room, frustrated and angry ..Inside the room, Anita sat on the floor, head on her hands upset at him for not believing her, for losing yet another job, for not sharing his problems with her…  They had had another  of their huge arguments and this had scared their seven year old terribly… "But I can handle it myself, "he had shouted and stormed off the room muttering "they are right…You are my enemy…Marrying you was my biggest mistake of my life." Anu just sat there shedding silent tears, hating herself for calling him insecure and irresponsible..Her once happy family was breaking up and she could do nothing to save it..

The sudden chirping of a bird on the window sill brought him back to present. But he still couldn't shake off the nostalgia that going down the memory lane had brought him nor the guilt that rose as a lump in his throat. He knew if anybody was to be blamed for turning his heaven into hell, it was he himself.
Four years back…..he sat on his knees, pleading to Anu not to leave him.. "what could I do ? I tried to fight those inner voices but I couldn't..They kept repeating that you and Arum will leave me..Nobody wants to be with a loser. I'm sorry .I never meant to hit you." He was sobbing uncontrollably.. Like a small vulnerable child fear and anxiety was evident on his face… She knew at that moment that she couldn't leave him, no matter what he had done…

****"Schizophrenia,"the doctor told her," that's what he is suffering from.He feels everyone is his enemy and is  plotting  against him..He still loves you but his mental illness coupled with his frustration is bound to make him violent at times. He needs adequate treatment and your support but I would suggest that you send your son to some relative for the time being…He had heard that no doubt But now he cursed himself for not believing her. A silent tear traced his cheek as he remembered the day he had so mercilessly beaten her.."I deserved to be sent to the rehab, perhaps a lot more…But I promise I will make it up to u.

Click…He heard the door open…So that was it..The moment of freedom, of happiness, of new beginings..He wondered if  she would be there to meet her….Probably not…

His heartbeat was racing uncontrollably as he knocked the door of the apartment he once called home. A mingled feeling of apprehension and anticipation took over him…The door opened but he was welcomed by a rather unfamiliar face, an old lady to be precise

 "Errrr…..Can I meet Anita Sahai???,  she still lives here, right??"

"I am really sorry son. She doesn't ..She died about three years ago due to severe internal injuries, a week after her husband was sent to rehab….Poor girl..I had met her once.. She was such a nice woman..deserved much better….Had a little boy too..But he now lives with her mother………….

……………..

She hadnt stopped talking but he could hardly hear her…His mind was fogging…He had caused the death of the only woman he ever loved…
He was numb…Or maybe just couldn't feel anyomore with the burden of guilt, dejection and hopelessness that he felt… Nothing seemed to exist anymore…He crashed on the floor… not even realising when the lady got scared of his reaction and went to call help..

It was more than an hour when he finally came back to his senses…..Everything was over..OR WAS IT???
he could vaguely remember something she had said about Arun..He lived with her mother ….

"Anu,  I know I was a terrible husband but I promise to be a good father" ,he promised her for he knew wherever she was she could hear him..HE stood up, his resolve strenthened by the realisation that this was his only way of defeating those inner voices..THE ENEMY WITHIN..

 

 

****Schizophrenia, a  severe mental illness which has a debilitating effect on the lives of the people who suffer from it. Symptoms- Delusions, hallucinations, bizzare and frequently violent behaviour, social withdrawl etc

..A person with schizophrenia may have difficulty telling the difference between real and unreal experiences, logical and illogical thoughts, or appropriate and inappropriate behavior. Schizophrenia seriously impairs a person's ability to work, go to school, enjoy relationships with others, or take care of oneself.

 Although there is no cure for schizophrenia, effective treatment exists that can improve the long-term course of the illness. With many years of treatment and rehabilitation, significant numbers of people with schizophrenia experience partial or full remission of their symptoms.

 

 

 

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kabhi_21

IF-Rockerz

kabhi_21

Joined: 25 January 2006

Posts: 9942

Posted: 07 December 2007 at 8:59pm | IP Logged

Hiii ritikaSmile

I felt you structured the story really really well.... i must appreciate it Clap however few grammatical and sentence structures also some spelling mistakes has to be checked to make it a gold medal storyBig smile

Ritika2025

Goldie

Ritika2025

Joined: 15 June 2007

Posts: 2496

Posted: 20 December 2007 at 11:41pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by kabhi_21

Hiii ritikaSmile

I felt you structured the story really really well.... i must appreciate it Clap however few grammatical and sentence structures also some spelling mistakes has to be checked to make it a gold medal storyBig smile

Thanks a lot Kabhi for the encouragement...Smile

~Sirius*Ysh~

IF-Dazzler

~Sirius*Ysh~

Oct Fest Winners - Harry Potter Forum!

Joined: 16 May 2006

Posts: 2989

Posted: 21 December 2007 at 1:18pm | IP Logged
That was intense.. genrally i avoid angst stories but urs had me glued... it was really well put... though you could have been more dark and flowery... but over all u dont feel it is a one shot... u feel like uve been reading a full fledged story...
good job!!

Morgoth

IF-Veteran Member

Morgoth

--

Joined: 01 June 2004

Posts: 6832

Posted: 23 December 2007 at 11:53am | IP Logged
The concept is good and you have a good narration style.

I suggest fixing up the punctuation of the story on MS Word. That will make it easier to read.

Consider the use of the ellipses (...) in the story. Do you really need so many? I'd suggest not using them unless you want to show an interruption in dialogue/thought.

Ritika2025

Goldie

Ritika2025

Joined: 15 June 2007

Posts: 2496

Posted: 10 January 2008 at 5:49am | IP Logged

Originally posted by ~Sirius*Ysh~

That was intense.. genrally i avoid angst stories but urs had me glued... it was really well put... though you could have been more dark and flowery... but over all u dont feel it is a one shot... u feel like uve been reading a full fledged story...
good job!!

Thanks a lot..

I know i need to improve a lot on languageSmile

Ritika2025

Goldie

Ritika2025

Joined: 15 June 2007

Posts: 2496

Posted: 10 January 2008 at 5:50am | IP Logged

Originally posted by Morgoth

The concept is good and you have a good narration style.

I suggest fixing up the punctuation of the story on MS Word. That will make it easier to read.

Consider the use of the ellipses (...) in the story. Do you really need so many? I'd suggest not using them unless you want to show an interruption in dialogue/thought.

Thanks ..
I will surely take care of it next timeSmile

SuhanaSafar

IF-Rockerz

SuhanaSafar

Joined: 09 December 2006

Posts: 5229

Posted: 10 January 2008 at 3:21pm | IP Logged
Very nice story! It was intriguing and well-written. Reminded me a little of "A Beautiful Mind." Great work! Clap Looking forward to reading more from you!

Edited by SuhanaSafar - 10 January 2008 at 3:21pm

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