Yay, much better response this time around! I hope I can expect this every time now, lol, don't blame me for being greedy! And especially thanks to those silent readers who have now given me comments, it really does mean a lot to me!
Chapter 16
In the darkest moments, she tries to convince herself that she never really loved him.
She tries to tell herself that it was just a girlish crush, that with the passing of time, she would've moved past it, forgotten it.
Even more than this, she tries to convince herself that he never really loved her, that she had been mistaken, a fool, that all he had ever thought of her as was a protg, his best friend's sister.
And in the end, what proof did she really have. He had never spoken the words to her, never made any outright gestures, there was absolutely no hard proof that he had loved her at all.
And yet she knew it, knew without a doubt that he had.
In the darkest moments, Naina wishes that she had not loved him and that he had not loved her.
But in the end, she can't deny the truth.
They had loved one another, they really had, and he was dead because of it.
Now only she remained, and three years after his death, she could still remember how fast her heart used to beat when he looked at her.
How much longer could the same heart possibly beat for without him.
**
Amiya entered the room cautiously, finding Asha in exactly the same position she had left her in.
"Asha, I've brought you something." She tells her softly, and Asha looks up, her face now tear streaked.
"Stop it," Amiya scolds her, "You're not going to cry, I won't allow you to. Instead have one of these and I guarantee you'll feel one hundred times better."
Opening up the handkerchief she was holding, she placed it on the bed, leaving Asha staring at the contents.
"Laddoos?" she asked Amiya in disbelief, wiping her eyes, "Where did you get these?"
"Hussein's Ammi made them, he just arrived back." Amiya informed her, "Now hurry up and eat one, and let's see whether you feel better or not."
Asha couldn't help but smile at her friend's optimism, and reaching out for a laddoo, took a small bite of it.
"This reminds me of something," she told Amiya thoughtfully as she chewed on the sweet.
"Probably how much you love eating laddoos," Amiya replied cheerfully, "Really you are a strange Bengali, Rasgollah should be your favourite instead."
"But laddoos have always been my favourite," Asha told her, "You know that."
"Of course I know that, why do you think I brought you some now?" Amiya teases her, and Asha's face falls again.
"I don't know how I'm going to face him," she admits, "After…"
"You shouldn't be the one worrying, he should be the one to worry about that after what he did." Amiya tells her, growing slightly angry again.
"No it wasn't…" Asha begins to say before taking a deep breath, "It wasn't all his fault, even I… I mean I didn't protest, I… I kissed him back."
Amiya stares at her for a moment, unable to believe what Asha has just admitted, because as well as she knows her friend this is very unexpected.
"Well at least it's not as bad as I was thinking," Amiya finally says, "Otherwise I was ready to go and murder him. But you… I always used to tease you about him, and you never even admitted that you liked him that much!"
"Amiya I don't know what to do," Asha admits, "I was an idiot, I never should've allowed things to go that far, whether I like him or not… I can't allow things to go that far. Whatever has happened, you know how much I respect Dhi… Captain Kapoor, I can't endanger his career in this way, or mine…"
"Then you have to talk to him as soon as possible." Amiya advised, "And sort things out before they get even worse."
"But how can I?" Asha asks her desperately, "I don't even know how to look him in the eye anymore, let alone…"
"Have another laddoo," Amiya advised, "They're Hussein's Ammi's special laddoos, they'll give you the courage to do it."
Asha took another one, and began eating nervously as Amiya stood up and moved towards the door.
"Where are you going?" Asha asked her.
"To get this all sorted out," Amiya told her, "I'll be back soon." And she was gone.
**
Samir had not had much success in getting Dhiraj to talk about what happened, since his friend still seemed to be attempting to pretend that if he didn't step outside his room he wouldn't have to deal with the problem.
Hearing a knock on the door, Samir opened it cautiously, quickly stepping outside and shutting it behind him when he saw Amiya.
"You don't have to be so worried," she informed him, "I'm not going to kill Captain Kapoor anymore, I know now that what happened…"
"Was not just from one side." Samir finished for her.
"Yes… sorry for getting so angry before." Amiya tells him a bit sheepishly, "I wasn't thinking, I was just upset seeing Asha so upset."
"That's alright Amiya, I understand perfectly." Samir tells her, "So how is Asha now?"
"She's doing better, actually speaking now… and she's willing to actually sit down and talk with him."
"Thank god…" Samir breathed a sigh of relief, "I think that this is definitely the best option, Hussein was right."
"Well then the sooner the better, right?" Amiya asks him, "If you get Captain Kapoor to come to our room a little later, then we can make them sit down and talk."
"Alright, I'll bring him after a couple of hours, hopefully they'll both be a bit calmer by then." Samir said hopefully, "And Amiya…"
"Yes?" she asked him expectantly.
"I'm glad that you're with me in this," Samir told her with a smile, "I have no idea how I would've coped on my own if you weren't here. Dhiraj probably would've driven me crazy by now."
Amiya laughs at this, "No problem at all, Sir." She tells him, "In fact I wanted to tell you the same thing, thank goodness Captain Kapoor has a friend like you or we would be in much more trouble."
Giving him a final smile she goes back to the room, needing to prepare Asha for what's ahead.
**
"And are you sure you're ready for this?" Samir asks Dhiraj for the tenth time ever since they've left their room.
"Samir…" Dhiraj stops in his tracks, staring at his friend, "Would you stop that? Don't you think this is hard enough already without you doubting whether I can really do it?"
"I'm sorry…" Samir tells him, "It's just… I'm nervous."
"You're nervous?" Dhiraj asks him incredulously, "You're not the one who just… well…" Dhiraj paled, wondering how it was that he was supposed to make this better, fix things between them. He hadn't planned anything to say, hadn't been able to think of anything to say at all. He just hoped that once he saw her, he would actually be able to control his feelings.
They reach the door and Dhiraj tells himself that first of all he's going to tell her he's sorry, and then… but he sees her sitting there, a strange expression of anticipation on his face and realises that he doesn't know if he can say it because no… he's not really sorry at all.
They continue to stare at each other for a moment, Asha colouring slightly as she remembers what had passed between them earlier. And the way that he's staring at her again… her heartbeats begin to quicken, because she hadn't expected him to come to her like this, unrepentant and intense.
Dhiraj suddenly breaks their gaze, turning to face both Samir and Amiya, who are now standing against one wall.
"You can go now." He tells them, "We'll talk by ourselves."
"Are you sure…" Samir starts to ask, but the look Dhiraj gives him quickly shuts him up. Amiya looks for a sign from Asha who nods, telling her that it's alright for her to leave. The two of them walk outside, shutting the door behind them.
"Do you honestly think it's okay for us to leave the two of them together alone?" Amiya whispers to Samir as they head off to find Hussein and report the progress to him.
"It's not in our hands anymore," Samir replies, equally as quietly, "We just have to hope that they're both sensible enough to work things out without…"
He didn't want to finish that sentence.
He really didn't.
**
As soon as the door shut, Dhiraj shifted his gaze back to Asha, not taking his eyes off her even as he sat down on Amiya's bed opposite her as she sat in his own. He thought it was probably best to keep a bit of space between them, lest he be tempted to cross the lines he had decided to draw for himself.
Asha is watching him carefully, her eyes partially hidden, he senses her nervousness, her embarrassment, and for the first time truly begins to regret what he did. He should never have put her in this position simply because he couldn't control his own emotions.
But she had kissed him back, she had responded, she must….
Dhiraj decided that it was best that he stop thinking about that immediately before he forgot the real reason that he was here.
"I shouldn't have done what I did," he tells Asha quietly, "I'm sorry."
"No…" she tells him just as quietly, "It was also my fault, I didn't tell you to stop, didn't protest…."
"Still, as your superior officer I need to be more responsible than this." Dhiraj tells her, "I have no excuses for what I did, none at all. I just…"
He thinks about how he could possibly explain his feelings at the time to her, how to tell her what it is that he feels every time he sees her, the tightening of his chest, the quickening of his breath, the longing…
Asha is still looking at him, waiting for him to continue, and Dhiraj realises that perhaps, he doesn't need to explain to her, that maybe she already understands.
"When I see you I feel something that is very difficult to control." He finally has the courage to say. "I see you, and I forget everything that I should remember, everything that I should and shouldn't do."
Asha takes in a sharp breath, her eyes lowering slightly because his gaze on her is painfully sharp, she's not sure whether she can meet his eyes at all.
"It's not your fault that I feel this way," Dhiraj continues, "It's mine, and I'll try to keep it under control in future. Just promise me… that the next time Rajesh comes you'll refuse to see him, otherwise I don't know whether I'll be able to stop myself from attacking him."
Asha has always been independent, strong, and reluctant to take advice from anybody, but when Dhiraj tells her that she will refuse to see Rajesh, she just nods agreeing to do so.
"Dhiraj, I…" she begins to say, but he cuts her off, holding up a hand. Taking slow, deliberate steps, he crosses to her side, before crouching down so that he's eye level with her. Carefully he picks up one of her hands, holding it loosely in his, almost reverently.
Asha waits, barely able to breathe, not sure what it is that he intends. She's surprised to find that she's not nervous at all, merely expectant, as if the outcome of her entire life depends on this next moment.
Finally, picking up her hand, Dhiraj presses it to his cheek, leaning into it. Asha is stunned by the tenderness of the action. Earlier he had been all passion and desire and yet it is this newly revealed softness in him that truly makes her breathless.
He closes his eyes briefly, and Asha curls her fingers slightly, in a half caress. Opening his eyes, he plants a soft kiss on the palm of her hand, before placing it back by her side.
It takes all of Asha's self control not to grab his hand, grab him, tell him how it is that she truly feels. That really, as shocked as she was by her own behaviour, there was never a moment when she felt that what they were doing was actually wrong.
"I will try…" Dhiraj tells her again, "But it's very possible that I might fail, so please for now, just don't tell me anything, because if the answer is…"
He's unable to finish the statement and stands up abruptly, backing away from her so that he's at a safe distance.
Asha nods, and half stands up from the bed as if to reach out to him, comfort him, but shaking his head, Dhiraj heads towards the door and leaves without another word.
Asha wishes that she had the courage to walk after him, to call him back, tell him how she really feels. But she doesn't, knowing that Dhiraj is right, that really right now it's for the best that she doesn't tell him anything. Asha knows what the consequences of a relationship between them would be right now, what would be said about them. They were in a war time situation, they couldn't afford to be distracted by their emotions right now.
But Asha knew, that resisting temptation was never easy.
**
Hussein was fetching chai for himself, Samir and Amiya when he heard them talking, seated at a table near the counter.
"I saw it, he just grabbed her hand in front of everyone and started dragging her away…"
"Yaar he wasn't dragging her, she went along perfectly willingly."
"I'm telling you… there's something going on between them." The other replied.
Banging his tray down on the table, Hussein shocked both of them who turned around, suddenly looking very nervous. It was common knowledge on base that Hussein was one of Asha's best friends.
"What were you just saying?" Hussein asked them, "Maybe you'd like to say it to me too."
"Hussein… don't be like that yaar, you have to admit that if they behave like that…"
"Nobody has behaved like anything." Hussein tells them, "And if you know what's good for you, then you'll mind your own business."
"Who are you anyway?" One of the lieutenants asked him, "Her brother? Or is there another reason that you don't want us talking about her and Captain Kapoor?"
This comment is too much for Hussein and he grabs the man's collar, pulling him out of his chair. In the distance, Amiya and Samir stand up from their table, ready to go to his aid if he needs it.
"The next time you ever think about opening your mouth to gossip about one of my friends, then think twice." Hussein tells the man, "I'm warning you for the last time now, mind your own business."
"Hussein, release him!" Hussein looks around to see Aalekh standing there and he and the other man scramble apart, standing to attention. "Come with me right now," Aalekh tells Hussein sternly, and Hussein grabs the tray with the teas on it, handing it to Samir as he walks past him and Amiya.
"What's gotten into you?" Aalekh asks him, as they walk out of the canteen, "What on earth is wrong?" They walk to Aalekh's office where they find Abhimanyu already waiting. "Actually I was coming to get you at the time, anyway." Aalekh told Hussein, "We both wanted to know whether Asha arrived back alright after the suspension and how Pooja and Ali are."
"Ammi sent laddoos with me, she asked me to give some to you both." Hussein suddenly announces, "I'll just go and get them."
"Hold it right there!" Aalekh tells him sternly, "Exactly what was going on in the canteen right now?"
"Why, what was going on in the canteen?" Abhimanyu asks him.
"Hussein had grabbed one of the other lieutenants by the collar." Aalekh informs Abhimanyu, "Now before anything else, tell me what happened to make you so angry."
Hussein is silent, trying to decide how much he should be telling them.
"He said something about Asha… and Captain Kapoor." He finally admits.
"But why would he be talking about them?" Aalekh asks, "What on earth has happened, she only arrived back on base today."
"Well… Captain Kapoor might have created a bit of a scene when she arrived back." Hussein tells them reluctantly.
"Might have? Or did?" Aalekh asks.
"Did." Hussein replies, hoping that they won't ask him anything else.
"And then?" Abhimanyu asks.
"I don't think I should be talking about this," Hussein says a bit uncomfortably, "I never actually witnessed any of it, I've only heard it second hand."
"Fine," Aalekh tells him, understanding why the young man doesn't want to talk about his friend, "But is it at least under control now?"
"I think so," Hussein replies, "Asha and Captain Kapoor were going to have a talk about it… sort things out."
"This is all my fault," Abhimanyu finally comments, "I should never have told him it was okay to love her, I think it somehow stayed in his subconscious."
They both turn to stare at him.
"Abhimanyu Sir… I think it would've happened eventually anyway." Aalekh tells him. "It was bound to happen, sooner or later, we all knew it."
They had all known it, every single one of them.
It was just that it had taken twenty five more years than any of them had expected.
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