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Mockery (short story - 395 words)

datspreets IF-Veteran Member
datspreets
datspreets

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Posted: 10 February 2007 at 8:24am | IP Logged
Inspiration - This idea came into my head when someone asked me are your superstitious? I thought, what if i was?
And the rest as they say is history. LOL

MOCKERY

(10 February 2007)
              
OH GOD, nooooooo, I screamed mentally. Did he have to pass by my house, that too NOW? – Just when I was heading out for important work! I have to act, and act fast, else, I'm going to get fired, Apprentice style – 'Mr. Tandon, you're fired. Out!'

Think, think…. 1,2,3…loading…brain……..….Damn… My brain has gone numb.

I look out the window; he's still standing in the middle of the road. No one else seems to notice him. Everyone on the street is going on with their usual business, Mrs Tandon bargaining with the bhaji-wala, Old man Rao walking his granddaughter & blah, blah…

I contemplate jumping out the window, for my business cannot wait. I'd have liked to take the back door, if only my house had one! I cast another look on the street to make sure that no one would notice me when I walk out from the window instead of the front door.

The course was clear; I unlocked the windowsill, raised the pane up and lobbed my right leg out of the window. I was halfway through my emergency-window-escape when a voice startled me and I literally fell out on the street, like a pea spilling out of its pod!

'Tandon, sneaking out of your own house eh? And you aren't even married yet!' Old man Rao chortled.

Very funny, I thought. 'Was I suppose to laugh?' I sniggered, 'If yes, then let me go hahahaha…'

'The joke was for my pleasure, not yours. Anyway, I need an answer, why are you sneaking out? Running from someone eh?'

I hate how he makes that 'eh' sound. 'Not really?' I answered.

'Then unreal-lee, I suppose?' There, he laughed again.

'You won't leave me till I explain!' to that, he nodded. 'You see the dark chap right in front on my door?' I said turning to face my main door.

'You mean the black cat?' He looked puzzled.

'Uh-ya, the black cat. He cut my way right before my meeting. I couldn't risk starting my workday on this inauspicious note.'.

'How superstitious, I want to laugh, but I respect your beliefs!' Rao looked amused.' Let me shoo-Mr. Cat away' Rao offered. 'Kitty, shoo….hurrrr…'

The cat wouldn't budge.
Were my beliefs being mocked? – By the physical presence of an adamant cat and mentally by old Rao? ……. I'd never really know. (Period)

-----------

Read,Review, Comment, Criticize!
Preeti :)

kitty468 IF-Dazzler
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Posted: 10 February 2007 at 12:08pm | IP Logged
the cat is nothing i live with really superstitious people, n its irratating.

nice story, i luv ur flash fictions. good beginning with all that drama LOL aprentice style. even the dilema in the man's mind was well done. gud overall. Wink
Naina_Manam IF-Dazzler
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Posted: 10 February 2007 at 12:35pm | IP Logged


You know what, Preets, I have seen superstitious people and clearly they are really irritating and the worst thing is that they make their lives worse more than anything else.

Anyway, coming back to your fiction piece.  It was good... I especially enjoy a piece when the author gives an insight look to a character's mind.  That's good that you use this skill.

The best I love is that your stories are short yet they have a deep meaning. I don't read long stories now because when I start reading one, and don't have time and thus miss some other parts, which is annoying. So I start reading it after they are done writing!  But good job with your writings!
Morgoth IF-Veteran Member
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Posted: 10 February 2007 at 5:01pm | IP Logged
Interesting idea. I like the little jokes you have inserted here and there. The convo between the narrator and Old Man Rao is engaging.

Originally posted by

The cat wouldn't budge.
Were my beliefs being mocked? – By the physical presence of an adamant cat and mentally by old Rao? ……. I'd never really know. (Period)


Maybe instead of just saying that the cat wouldn't budge, and giving an explanation at the end, show it mocking him somehow - a feline attitude problem! ;)

I would personally suggest changing the title to something else instead of Mockery. Since Mockery is the theme of your story, you dont want to give it away so easily :)
datspreets IF-Veteran Member
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Posted: 10 February 2007 at 10:50pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by T.

Interesting idea. I like the little jokes you have inserted here and there. The convo between the narrator and Old Man Rao is engaging.

Thank You, I'm glad you liked the conv.

Originally posted by

The cat wouldn't budge.
Were my beliefs being mocked? – By the physical presence of an adamant cat and mentally by old Rao? ……. I'd never really know. (Period)



Maybe instead of just saying that the cat wouldn't budge, and giving an explanation at the end, show it mocking him somehow - a feline attitude problem! ;)

Here again the qusetion of how intelligent the readers are pops up. I make the message evident so that the meaning dosent get lost when a reader cannot make out the message. and you suggested a feline attitude prob.hmmm...i'm googling up cat's attitudes now!

I would personally suggest changing the title to something else instead of Mockery. Since Mockery is the theme of your story, you dont want to give it away so easily :)

My mom told me the same think. why are you giving away what the whole story about? I had no answer, nor I had the patience to think for a more suitable title. Hence, the current title. I really don't know what else I can call it Confused , i hate choosing names for stories/. Suggestions?

The only title(s) that comes to my mind is-

1. unfinished business
2. attitude

But they really don't sound up to the mark :(

datspreets IF-Veteran Member
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Posted: 10 February 2007 at 10:54pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by kitty468



nice story, i luv ur flash fictions. good beginning with all that drama LOL aprentice style. even the dilema in the man's mind was well done. gud overall. Wink


Thanks Kitty. O, i love the apprentice bit too...hahaha

Originally posted by naina_manam

The best I love is that your stories are short yet they have a deep meaning. I don't read long stories now because when I start reading one, and don't have time and thus miss some other parts, which is annoying. So I start reading it after they are done writing! But good job with your writings!</span>


Thanks naina. I also prefer reading short stories. But I so want to write a long one. I've already begun one though, lets see how it takes shape!

Prenz~13 IF-Rockerz
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Posted: 11 February 2007 at 12:05am | IP Logged
Clap that was really well-written preeti di!
i love reading your flash fictions and short stories,basically because they're so well-written. they dont sound hurried or rushed,just the right pace and ending!
gr88 job!! Clap Clap
i sply loved reading the dilema in the Tandon's head! LOL LOL
Morgoth IF-Veteran Member
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Posted: 11 February 2007 at 7:37am | IP Logged

 

Originally posted by datspreets


Here again the qusetion of how intelligent the readers are pops up. I make the message evident so that the meaning dosent get lost when a reader cannot make out the message. and you suggested a feline attitude prob.hmmm...i'm googling up cat's attitudes now!

Yes, you have a good point there. However, since your story caters to people who are intelligent enough to understand the fallacy of superstitions, I dont think they will find it difficult to understand what you convey through your characters' actions. But, that is just my opinion - feel free to disregard it if it makes no sense Smile

Feline attitudes? A lazy stretch of its limbs or a condescending stare perhaps? The way cats usually behave with humans they find annoying. Big smile

Originally posted by datspreets



My mom told me the same think. why are you giving away what the whole story about? I had no answer, nor I had the patience to think for a more suitable title. Hence, the current title. I really don't know what else I can call it Confused , i hate choosing names for stories/. Suggestions?

The only title(s) that comes to my mind is-

1. unfinished business
2. attitude

But they really don't sound up to the mark :(

Titling is difficult business, I agree. That's why I usually give my titles at the end.

Sorry, I can't think of any at the moment. Ouch The main thing is to centre your title around your theme of Mockery and Superstition without directly spelling them out.  

 



Edited by T. - 11 February 2007 at 7:42am

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