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ALWAYS
In a drunken state as Arnav went on and on about his first love, all I could do was to stare at him blankly with my eyes accumulating tears each passing second. Oblivious to the whirlpool of emotions twisting and twirling inside me, he went on remembering every little detail about her; how her hair looked perfect on her stature, how wavy they were and how much he loved those waves. How intriguing her fragrance was, leaving him mesmerized every time he caught a breath of it. How her perfectly sculpted body would attract his eyes automatically as she came in front of him. It seemed as if he had probably memorized every single detail about her. And I couldn't help to miss his twinkling eyes as he spoke about their late night calls and texts and how she used to call him her father's would be son-in-law.
I kept staring at his sparkling eyes, his pupils had inadvertently widened, that day his eyes spoke more than the words that he uttered. It felt so evident that he still loves her. The way he talked about her, the way he clearly remembered every tiny element about her, the way his eyes danced when he spoke about her were shouting right into my face that he still missed her presence in his life. At last, I couldn't help but break down. As tears flowed down my cheeks they washed even the faintest of hopes that I might get loved by him some day.
That day I got to know the difference in loving someone and being in love with someone. Yes, he loved me but he was never in love with me. I had never seen that look in his eyes for me; I had never seen his eyes twinkle as he spoke about me, his eyes never gleamed as he took my name. The harder I tried to suppress my tears, the more they threatened to spill.
No, I wasn't jealous, neither was this possessiveness. These are the traits of the weak and I had been always strong. The tears that I had in my eyes were of longing, longing to see the same look for me in his eyes. I was hungry and craving to get loved; those were tears of that craving. I was craving for the love that I never received. I was yearning for him to be in love with me not just loving me, those were the sheer helplessness of that yearning.
I could have been blatant enough and asked for my share of love but unfortunately best friends don't have a share. They get all the love yet are unloved. Finally on the verge of bursting into tears, I hugged him, really tight. I don't know whose tornado was I trying to suppress, his or mine? I whispered to him that everything will alright, again not knowing as to whom was I saying this? Him or I?
As I hugged him, I kept praying in my mind to become more than his best friend someday, unaware he hugged me harder saying "You will always be my best friend."
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I will always be yours, even when you don't want me.
-Manika S
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