ArShi SS: Woh Humsafar Tha (Ch 7 - Pg 51) 05/12/16 *new* - Page 19

Hate

CHAPTER 4

"I never knew that to love you I had to hate me."

Hate.

Never had Khushi imagined that she would feel an emotion so stimulating through her nerves. It was much more than the love for her family, much more than the little remaining pride of her self respect.

Reaching to touch the uneven prickly ends of her cropped hair, pangs of regret seeped in at her rash decision. Why did she even have to do it? Tears rolled down her cheeks as she looked at her reflection in the mirror.

A sickly thin woman with hair that barely reached her shoulders. Yet the dainty chain around her neck and the smearing of red on the partition of her hair remained intact. Just like Arnav Singh Raizada.

A silent scream left her lips as the woman before her didn't look like Khushi at all. Khushi loved loving herself. Her pride was her own self, her satisfaction was with her own self. Yet in search of the ever elusive, she had simply perished. Holding her head weakly in her hands, she took shaky breaths as repulsion and regret coursed through her veins.

With weak steps, she walked to address the pounding on the bathroom door. As expected, a hassled Arnav blasted into the washroom, his eyes wild in fear.

Oh... he too knew fear?

Arnav grasped Khushi's arms, words deserting him the time he needed it most. His cheek still stung from her slap, the moment registering after Khushi locked herself in the washroom. Fifteen minutes had passed by since then but his frantic knocks ceased to stop.

Images of Khushi chopping her hair, slicing her wrists... worse, flooded through his mind. He felt like the little boy who couldn't hold on to his mother committing suicide. Arnav could taste the sorrow of death in his mouth as he recalled his mother falling while he stretched his hand to hold her.

Khushi pushed his hands off her shoulders, her own eyes gazing at the dressed wounds of her palms. "What have I done to myself?" Arnav looked up at her ghostly whisper, unable to bear her agony. He watched Khushi touched her own hair and shut her eyes in disbelief, then look back at him.

"Why have I done this Arnavji? I... I used to love myself," Arnav placed his fingers on her lips, pleading her to not say more. "You're beautiful Khushi and... and it's my fault. I just wanted you to stay back..."

Unheeding to his words, Khushi leaned into his chest in disbelief. Arnav closed his arms around her, pressing a faint kiss to her hair. "Khushi you're still the most beautiful. There's nothing in you to not love." He cupped her marred cheeks, looking into her disillusioned eyes.

"I love you..." Arnav whispered, brushing his forehead against hers while Khushi's eyes shot up to meet his. "Yes, please. I love you." He begged, hoping a few words would undo the actions of his past. Khushi simply lay in the cage of his arms, her eyes watery as she heard his confession.

"I loved you too." Arnav smiled briefly as he heard her faint whisper, his fingers tucking the short strands behind her ear. "I know I love,"

"Loved you." She repeated, softly.

"Loved?" The word settled like a stone on his chest, its weight increasing every second. Every single time Arnav felt he had Khushi to him, she had walked a mile farther from him. He held her hand, his heart tightening at her indifference, he held it close to his heart.

"You hate me, right?" Arnav prodded, looking at array of emotions flutter through her face. Khushi looked at their hands and pulled her own away.

"No, I don't hate you," The smile on Arnav's face froze as Khushi looked into his eyes.

"I hate myself."

Payal held herself against the sink, fatigued. No part of her had the strength to fight against the warm hand that was wrapped around her waist, helping her to throw up. Black spots danced before her eyes as she vaguely remembered a concerned Akash washing her face and replacing her soiled clothes, making her heart clench for that man once again.

It was during the wee hours of the morning when her eyes fluttered open to find herself on their bed, a warm blanket settled over her and her husband curled awkwardly on a chair beside her. With the slightest tug he got up, staring a few times at Payal till his eyes rested at her stomach.

He knew.

She waited for the questions to pour by, or even his demand of rearing their baby here. Yet Akash simply stood up, stretched, and passed her a glass of water.

"Better?" He asked as Payal nodded mutely, taking her anti nausea medication from his hand. "No matter," He paused, his fingers shaking slightly with a familiar nervousness.

"No matter what happens between us Payal, I will not stop caring for you. Nor..." Payal closed her eyes for a brief second as Akash lay a quivering hand on her stomach. "But... if you have decided to not tell me something, then I won't be a part of it." Akash stood up, looking aimlessly at the bustling streets of Delhi before him.

Payal cussed softly, frustration and anger mounting in her. After months of negligence, he decides to turn into the man she loved just when she was about to leave him. "It's not fair of you to act so great." She bit out, careless about the impact of her words.

"Act?" Akash turned, his eyes fixed at her face. Letting out a mirthless chuckle, Akash dug his hands in his pockets and shook his head, "It's not fair that I don't even know about," my baby's existence. Yet Akash chose to be silent.

Payal straightened up on the bed, her hands crossing tightly against her chest. Under no circumstances was she going to take any guilt coming her way. "When you know something, why aren't you telling me straight instead of running in circles?" Tell me that you're happy with the baby. Perhaps we can make a difference - just for the child.

Raising an eyebrow, the younger Raizada settled himself on a chair, his lips pursed in thinking. "Have you ever told me anything Payal? I feel like I'm married to a wall! Just once Payal, just once I had seen you crying when our marriage was on the verge of breaking and that's when I held your hand... promising to lay the world at your feet - even though I was quite inept at it but still. Just once after marriage you told me "Akashji, I don't wish to be angry on Khushi anymore." and I tried to give you the little consolation I could." Payal remained silent, seeing nothing but truth in his words.

Did her silence on his mother's taunts allow him to believe that she literally brushed everything off?

Did her silence on their family member's shunning Khushi allow him to believe that she too blamed Khushi for the mishap?

Did her silence on his trip to Mumbai allow him to believe that she could easily live without him?

"It's all my fault." A weary Payal said, softly. Akash looked up to find Payal lose her earlier vigor as she retracted back to her shell, guilt weighing down her shoulders.

It's all my fault.

For a second Akash flinched back, realising how easy it was to break his happy wife into little pieces. And he found all his voice only in front of her.

Was he really blind to his mother's insults to Payal? Was he really blind to see Payal turned into a an efficient servant of the Raizada family?

Scratching his head out of confusion, Akash snapped to see Payal jumping out of the bed, rushing towards the kitchen.

Puzzled by her actions, Akash followed Payal who immediately began to prepare something.

"Hungry?" He asked, softly, as Payal pressed her hand into dough. "You wouldn't want to know Akash." "Why?" He asked, surprised by the sudden normalcy in their relationship as he forwarded to tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear. Payal smiled briefly at his touch, she could never set the tone of their relationship - it simply moved up and down like a ship bobbing in a storm.

"It's Khushi's birthday today. How could I forget to make her halwa poori?" Her heart clenched as her husband's hand stiffened, a flash of disappointment in his eyes.

"Oh yes, Khushi... of course." He ground out, stepping back instantly.

However, instead of mourning for the instant loss of his presence, Payal chuckled softly "If I can't even be a sister Akash, how do you expect me to be someone's wife?"

Akash stopped in his steps, turning slightly behind to find his wife staring right back at him. "You can do anything for your sister, right?" Payal shushed him with a hand, nodding her head negatively "Oh no Akash, she can do anything for me... and that's what I am scared off."

"KHUSHI?" Anjali shot up from her bed, not that she was sleeping much, to hear her brother roar for Khushi. Tucking her saree gently, she was about to summon Om Prakash when she saw both the Prakash brothers run towards Arnav's room in a hurry.

Turning towards Payal, Anjali was just about to call her when she saw that Payal and Akash were effectively avoiding each other while Payal served piping hot breakfast on the table, her own stance stiffening as Arnav bellowed for Khushi once again.  

"KHU... oh Di, good morning." Arnav stopped short, smiling politely at Anjali before running down the stairs.

A soft longing tugged in Payal to see Arnav finding for Khushi, unintentionally her eyes went to Akash who was busy in a newspaper. It was for the baby, for whom she stayed back. A part of her refused to leave Akash midway simply because she craved to have Akash next to her during her pregnancy.

Yet now as she watched her detached husband, she questioned if he was worth it. Yes, there were quite a handful of her wanting to walk out of Shantivan at this moment... something told her that she had to stay.

More for Khushi, than for herself. Payal chewed her bottom lip worriedly, a habit she picked up from her sister, on thinking as to the repercussions of her absence on Khushi's married life. The few months had told her that no matter what happened in the household, Khushi would have had to bear it.

No, Payal admonished herself. How could she have thought of leaving without any preliminary plan? Her emotional state blinded her from reality. She really couldn't break a marriage and wreck her sister's marital life just for her own whims.

The Raizadas had their traditions and rules. Payal had to follow them, till she found a neat way out of the mess she was partially responsible off.

Little did she realise that over an hour had passed by in her contemplation when she saw the doors burst open and a livid Arnav bring... drag Khushi into the living room with an iron grip on her elbow.

"HOW FU****G DARE DO YOU LEAVE ME! I SAID I AM SORRY... BUT HOW COUL..." Arnav's words, Akash's shock and Anjali's astonishment dissolved before Payal.

All she saw was her baby sister with chopped hair and disastrous scratches on her body getting yelled by Arnav.

The concern or fear in his voice didn't matter to Payal.

Her baby sister.

Damaged.

A verbally abusive Arnav.  

Without another word Payal yanked Khushi off Arnav and screamed "HOW DARE YOU!"

The Raizadas be damned.

"Jiji?" Khushi cupped her cheek, least bothered about the stinging in her palms as an unconscious Payal lay before her.

Tears of frustration ran down her cheeks as the rest of the Raizada family sat dumfounded in the living room. Arnav was still in a shade of embarrassed red while Akash simply gulped, his eyes unable to stay away from Khushi's... disruptive state.

Without another word Khushi tugged on Akash's wrist, her voice hoarse from crying "My sister is supposed to be happy with you damn it!" For a second Akash was surprised, Khushi almost sounded like his cousin as anger ruled over her head.

"Khu..."

"Why has my sister fainted and over that... why aren't you doing anything!"

Arnav looked up at the faint whisper of his wife's and knew that was more than what a slap could do to Akash.

More than what Payal's questions could do to Arnav.

"WHY... WH... KHUSHI! WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO HER... AND YOU, HOW DARE YOU SHOUT AT HER?" Payal screamed out her frustrations on Arnav as the rest of the family gaped stupidly at the woman before them.

The meek... soft Payal Raizada?

"I'm fine Jiji." Khushi hushed her sister while Payal grabbed her cheeks, her eyes frantically tearing up on Khushi's hair and scars. A part of Arnav broke as he saw Khushi lying continuously to calm her sister.

Akash, as always, remained simply in the background... too shocked at Khushi's state to say anything.

"Your hair... your beautiful h," Payal hiccuped as she touched the short strands. Fear clogged her as she looked at the scars on Khushi's cheeks. Did Arnav... did he do that to her?

Suddenly she felt as if her entire world was nothing but built by a house of cards.

Nobody was happy... nobody was perfect.

Every time she ignored Arnav's yells to Khushi came floating into her ears. Every time Akash alienated her from his office world hurt her heart. Every time she avoided Khushi's tears at the beginning of her marriage broke her.

Holding Khushi's shoulder for support, Payal felt a sharp contraption in her stomach and lost consciousness.

Khushi didn't have the strength in her to walk into the hospital ward.

Nor to pray in front of the Goddess she treated as her own mother.

Arnav's misdeeds against her stood like nothing compared to the few moments the doctor took to admit Payal at the hospital. It didn't matter that Arnav held on to his silent wife, his arm wrapped around her bony shoulders, neither did it matter to see Akash sitting on the floor... his hand on his head.

And as far as Mami, Anjali or Nani were concerned... they didn't exist for Khushi.

"She was going through a very difficult pregnancy..." The doctor, whose name she had forgotten, spoke up. Khushi looked up at Arnav, pleading him to talk to the doctor for she had no strength to know something she feared.

"A mother's emotional state is vital for the child." Arnav's hand went numb as he saw where to the doctor was inching. "Is there anyth... I'll get better doctors." Arnav snarled as he saw the negative response in the doctor's face.

"No doctor can restore death. Mrs. Payal Raizada has,"

"Please..." Khushi cried out, putting her hands over her ears.

"Miscarried." The doctor whispered and walked out, having done his duty. Anjali closed her mouth in shock and settled at a nearby chair while Mami and Nani held her shoulders for support.

Akash, on the other hand, simply lay defeated at his place. His ego won, over his child.

"It's all because of me... all because of me..." Khushi muttered, her hair fisting her hair. Arnav snapped out of the mourn and grabbed Khushi in his arms, shushing her gently. "No... it's not your fault."

Khushi disagreed violently, muttering continuously "She ss... saw me shattered... her baby died... all because of me." Arnav pulled a trembling Khushi close while she simply berated herself. "Me... just me..."

Anjali felt guilt swallow her up as she the reality of her crazed actions. The day before yesterday she truly wanted to abort her child and today... tears rolled down her cheeks as she saw Payal suffer the fate she never deserved.

Khushi swayed in her husband's arms, fisting the collar of his shirt to continue standing. Cupping his cheek, she said "Arnav... what more do I have to sign? What contract? I swear I won't leave you... but please guarantee me Jiji's baby. Please..." she begged, crying against his chest while Arnav shut his eyes.

Could it get more difficult?

Every fibre of Khushi believed that he controlled her destiny, because he had proved it so. Long gone were her beliefs in Devi Maiyya or in any God for that matter. Grasping fistfuls of his shirt, Khushi calmed her breath and looked into Arnav's teary eyes.

"I won't argue. I won't leave you. Whatever you said about me was right... jj... just give Jiji's baby back to her... please! I.." Khushi broke from the hug and held her ears "I'm sorry, sorry. How many more times should I say? Ss... so" Khushi looked as Arnav grabbed her hands and shook his head.

"I can't do anything Khushi." Khushi broke at his hoarse whisper.

"WHY NOT?" She barked, her eyes boring into his.

"My sister's first wedding, my reputation, my career, my engagement, my marriage and even the span of my marriage... you controlled everything. You wrote everything. If you weren't there Jiji and Jijaji wouldn't have gotten married. From Lucknow to Delhi... you brought more changes than my dead parents did. How can you not do anything?" Arnav closed his eyes as he recalled his own words to her, very much the way Khushi said... except she still didn't blame him.

With helplessness surging through his veins, Arnav weakly caught Khushi's hand and apologised. "I'm sorry." Scalded, Khushi stepped back.

"Arnav... I never wanted anything from you. Just this time, give my sister's happiness to her. Please." She folded her hands, dropping to her knees as Arnav felt his own words mock him.

He wasn't God.

If only the one above hadn't decided to end the life of an unborn child to prove Arnav so.

"Khushi I can't. I am not God." He grasped her hands while Khushi swallowed tightly, the weight of his words sinking in.

"I know that too." She whispered, after a long time. Arnav looked up, guilt gnawing him as he moved closer to give support... seek support, when Khushi stepped back, her eyes burning with a strange fury.

"The moment you smeared vermillion on me, I knew I traded Satan for a lover. The moment you chained the mangalsutra on me, I knew Arnav was just an illusion. The moment you shattered all my dreams, I knew my hatred exceeded my love for you."

Stopping to take a deep breath, Khushi continued... in a trance "You weren't the biggest of my life, you were just the death of it."