Chapter 08: When retrospection and introspection juxtapose
Fifteen years ago:
She watches him pacing
around their small apartment muttering to himself. Loving him was a tedious
business. A certain degree of mendacity existed in the space between his words
and actions. She has begun to watch him more and more as his words have turned
clipped and hurtful. Have they always been hurtful? Have his words irritate her
skin like a bad rash and stayed there to continuously provide a dull ache? His
steadily declining patience and affection has started to bother her.
"What's going on?" She
asks him placidly. Teddy stops pacing and breathes heavily.
"Am I not a good
husband to you Khushi? Don't I love you?" Teddy asks, standing three feet away
from his wife, watching her.
Khushi looks at her
husband and meticulously frames a non-abrasive answer in her head. "You are the
best husband Teddy." She says in a placating tone.
Teddy narrows his
eyes. "Best, huh?" He peers, at Khushi who was watching him. "How would you
know I am the best Khushi? Huh? Who are the others in the list you compared me
to before you arrived at this conclusion?"
Khushi paled. "Teddy.
I am just -"
"You are just what
Khushi?" Teddy demands. He isn't yelling. He doesn't like yelling but there is
a tone that Khushi has come to recognize as anger.
"You are the first and
only love of my life Teddy," she replies, avoiding to flinch at the suddenness
with which he approaches her.
"If I am, then why do
you refuse to follow the standards I have set in life?" Teddy hisses near her
face. Khushi gulps a breath of air and shrinks in her seat.
"I am sorry," she
apologizes ruefully.
Teddy snorts. "Do you
even know what you are apologizing for?"
Khushi slumps even
further. She doesn't know, because almost everything that she does these days is
a problem or call for disappointment.
"Is what I am wearing
not right?" She ventures hopefully. Teddy rounds on her and punches the sofa
cushion that is few inches away from her face. Khushi gasps and winces with a
whimper.
"You don't even
realize how utterly incompetent you are in reality." There is a sudden
tenderness in his tone. Khushi reels with this mood change. "I know when I married
you, you would be less than perfect. But I easily fell in love with you flaws
and imperfections when they bend to my will. It is utterly disappointing that
you will always be this little creature that never changes." He tucks a tendril
of hair behind her ear. The act is incredibly endearing and it terrifies her.
"Payal asked me why I didn't
let you stay with her overnight today. She implied I didn't allow you or
something stupid like that," he scoffs.
Khushi swallows. Suddenly
she is hit with memory of Payal worrying about Teddy's impulsive and
controlling behavior. Payal wanted to spend some alone time with Khushi before
she moved to Europe for the next ten months. Khushi wanted it too since Payal
was the only family left besides their aunt. And now she wouldn't be in the
same time zone as Khushi and that scared her.
"We have been married
for four years and I have never been out of home for more than an hour. So I guess
she was missing me and wanted me to stay with her tonight before she leaves in
the morning." Khushi replies. The novelty of I can't stay a day without you'
was lost two years into her marriage. It had seemed romantic when her husband spent
every bit of spare time with her. But now, it was suffocating.
"I don't understand the
reason Khushi. It doesn't make any sense for you to stay somewhere else. It's
not like Payal is dying or permanently migrating to a different country." Teddy
says casually, his anger dissipated.
"It is for less than a
day Teddy. I will leave in the evening and be back by noon tomorrow." Khushi
blurts, want deep in her voice.
Teddy stills and looks
at her blankly. His nose flares and Khushi sees the tell-tale signs of his
anger descending. Her heart beats in her ears wildly as fear takes her over.
"Are you suggesting I am
wrong?" He motions at her. Khushi shakes her head, unable to speak around the
lump in her throat. "Or are you suggesting I am some sort of a controlling
asshole?" He doesn't raise his voice. And that scares her even more.
"Payal puts shitty
ideas in your head. Don't you see that Khushi? We have been happy for so long.
Everything was good till Payal asked something of you. You see that right?" Teddy
inches close to Khushi and kisses her neck. "She is just jealous of you."
Khushi gasps when her
body responds to the ministrations his mouth and tongue on her neck. He cradles
her head and presses a soft kiss on her forehead. Khushi looks around in
confusion. She struggles to absorb his bipolar responses. She finds herself
being lifted in his arms and sees him taking her towards their room.
"Teddy?" She mumbles,
still fearful of the response she might evoke in him.
"What is it love?" He
asks softly.
"Can I go? To Payal's
place tonight?" She asks, not understanding where this rebellious thought is
stemming from. In four years of their marriage she has never questioned Teddy's
decision or response.
Teddy smiles and drops
her on their bed. "If you can get out of my arms then you can go today." He
teases her as he takes his t-shirt off in one swoop. Khushi is surprised at his
positive response. This is the first time she has asked for something and
received it. She lets out a manic giggle that turns into a broken moan when
Teddy's hands start their ministrations on her.
When she wakes up,
there is brightness in the room. She panics and wildly pats her arms around
her. The bed is empty and Teddy's side of the bed is cold. Cold settles in her
stomach as she frantically looks for her discarded clothes. Not finding any, she
gets off the bed. The sudden motion wobbles her knees and her eyes swim. She is
sore, there are bruises on her body and she is sure her nails have left their
marks on Teddy's back. Calculating the brightness in the room, she assumes its
early evening which should give her ample time to get ready and be in Payal's
place in an hour. A smile dances on her lips as he pulls clothes from her
wardrobe. Her eyes wander around the room and fixes on the clock. She double
takes when the realization hits.
It's not early
evening. Its late next morning.
The clothes fall from
her hands as she dashes to the bed, naked, searching for her phone. When she doesn't
find there she runs to the living room, wildly, hoping to catch Payal at least
on the phone. Brittle tears escape her eyes when she comes up empty. Her phone
is nowhere to be found and the landline is dead.
She crumples in the
shower and lets out a muffled cry as cold water cascade over hear defeated
body. Vague memories of previous day surfaces; wild and passionate sex, Khushi
taken over the edge and take apart by Teddy's mouth and fingers, Khushi
crushing his chest with her soft body as his groans sang the song sung by each
one of his nerve ending. She remembers the gentle way he cuddled around her,
lulling her into sleep with love and his body warmth. She startles when another
memory slams into her consciousness - Teddy making her drink water after which
she drifted off to sleep.
She scrambles from the
tiled floor and hurriedly shuts the shower off. She runs to the dustbin in the
corner of the room and sees the culprit - the reason for her long deep sleep.
She picks up two
pieces of shimmering material which once held two tablets between them. When
she squeezes them in her hand, the sharp corners tear into her skin and bleeds
her palm. The pain she feels on her palm is nothing compared to the way her
heart is squeezing in her chest.
Her knees give out and
she collapses in the corner of the room, naked and half wet with cold
realization settling in her stomach - her husband had dosed her with sleeping tablet
of some kind so that she wouldn't be out of his sight even for half a day.
-----------------------------------------------
"Watch where you stick your hands into," Arnav chides and
pulls her hand towards him. He takes out a handkerchief from his pocket and
dabs her palm. Khushi watches as his pristine white handkerchief absorb the beads
of blood staining and tainting the fabric.
"I could have licked it off," she says, her voice far away. A
memory involving similar injury twists in her mind and she forcefully shuts it
down. She was having a good day. She wants to continue to have a good day.
Arnav looks both disgusted and appalled. Khushi grins. "A
bit of a germphobe there, Mr. Raizada?" She asks, teasing.
"Oh please," he scoffs. "Its basic hygiene Ms. Gupta." He
worries his lips between his teeth. "You will need a tetanus shot, don't you?"
Khushi rolls her eyes. "Of course not. It's a simple cut
Arnav. It's not a big deal." She waves her hand. "There is another shop around
the corner. Hopefully we will have some luck there," she walks in front, ignoring
the worried glances he threw at her. His mannerisms unsettled her and made her
stomach churn. "Besides I got a tetanus shot last month," she adds dully. As expected,
she hears a burst of laughter coming from behind and he ignores his choked
teasing. She smiles a little when Arnav catches up with her and the haunted
look around his eyes has softened their edges. She is hit with an irrational
burst of sentimentality as she watches him launching an anecdote from his
college days involving a catapult, an adult magazine and a priest. His words
are warm and his weight on her side is solid.
She shakes her head to clear of these new errant thoughts
that have found home in her head since Arnav came in a day ago and planned an
entire afternoon of "clock hunting" activities.
"Let's get some lunch?" Arnav says, standing in front of a
tiny hotel sandwiched between a brightly decorated sari store and a sober
looking jewelry shop. Khushi bites back a smile when she sees him hungrily
looking at the menu.
"Lead the way," she agrees. It has been years but her overly
conditioned mind quickly calculated calories offered by each of the menu item.
Arnav's sharp three-piece suit looks completely out of place but she is
surprised to see him comfortable in his surroundings.
When Arnav orders more food than what she believes is enough
for two fully grown adult she chimes, "You realize I am not a gnome or an elf
working in basement for a little bit of food and water, right?"
Arnav crams half a roti doused with dal into his mouth. "Who
said it was all for you?" He grins toothily and his grin widens when Khushi
grimaces in disgust. A cord of uncertainty and doubt tugs her every time Arnav
smiles. She knows that smile. It is the one that she saw in the mirror every
day for almost a decade.
"Do you want to do this shopping some other day?" She blurts
out before she can fully process. Arnav looks at her mild surprise covering his
face. "You don't have to pay for my time or whatever you have agreed with
Payal. We can do some other day if you want."
He watches her carefully and raises his handkerchief to wipe
his mouth. "My blood is on it. You should wash or just throw it away," she says
suddenly embarrassed.
He maintains eye contact and wipes his mouth with his
handkerchief anyway. "Problem?" He asks.
She shakes her head. His eyes trace the green laced hairband
and its quiet sheen as they seem less provocative than her eyes. "You must be
tired smiling and being enthusiastic since morning when you definitely aren't
feeling it."
He cocks his head and takes her in. "And you know this...how?"
He is still looking, calculating and wondering where she is getting her
perception from.
She shrugs minutely. "I used to look like you all the time."
"Handsome?" He weakly tries to play it off.
"Broken." She says instead.
They are quiet for several moments. He smiles ruefully when
he sees her twitching in her seat. "I don't know how to live in a world where
my existence hurts people. How does one reconcile with that?"
"You had a fight with someone?" She asks. He notices the
inexpertness in her demeanor. It's a little endearing.
"My best friend has been in love with me and I can't return
his affections. My other best friend and I were together for long and we aren't
together anymore because I don't love her the way she wants to be loved. I must
be wired wrong in a way that I am just not enough to be the person I want to
be. Everything would have been so easy with either Aman or Lavanya. I love them
to pieces. But-"
"It isn't enough." Khushi completes it for him.
He shrugs. He berates himself inwardly for oversharing with
a woman he has met less than half a dozen times. Khushi was somewhere between
an absolute stranger and a close acquaintance. In a way it was advantageous to
talk and let it out of his chest without thinking about consequences. However, he
wasn't prepared for the wisdom that he received from this woman next.
"For years I believed that we all came with a quota of
happiness into this world. You spend a lot of that quota during childhood and
some get spent during teens. After that it's just taking step after step of
doing mundane and plebeian things, grasping at what little contentment that can
be conjured. Every tiny bit of happiness thrown at you is guarded and
treasured. We secretly assess the quota every now and then, and based on the
assessment results, you change." She takes a sip of water and trains her eyes
on the stain on the table. "I really don't know the answer to your predicament.
All I know is - you continue to live." She looks up then and offers a watery
smile. "Maybe it's a matter of time till you find the one, for who you aren't
just enough but perfect."
Arnav smiles a little. "I am held together by stuff that's
made of nightmares and guilt. I am holding on to this fantasy of a life without
pissing people off because they remember I exist in the same world as them. I don't
want to run away. I want to stay and live. But it's so, so hard." He smiles the
same watery smile as her.
Impulsively she reaches out and squeezes his hand. Arnav is
startled but recovers quickly and squeezes her hand back.
"You won't terribly mind if we pick this up some other day?"
He asks, the forced enthusiasm and mechanical smile missing.
Something settles underneath her chest. "No. We do this when
you are ready. I will find more shops for us to see next time." She replies
gently. She sees his hand shiver mildly at the intensity of whatever he has
bottled up. "You don't have to walk me back. Call your driver here."
"But-" He starts
She shakes her head. "You are your first priority at this
moment. Go."
He suddenly finds himself very, very alone at the moment. He
knows he can't go home at the middle of the day without evoking too many
questions. He can't go to La. He can't go to lake house since he has a vague
notion that Aman was going to be there. He could probably go to a hotel and
rent a room but the alienation would be too glaring and the loneliness, suffocating.
"How did things get
f**ked up so bad so quickly?" He thinks, panic settling under his skin.
"Or you can come to my shop now and watch me work or sleep."
Khushi offers.
Khushi fists her palm tightly when she sees the relief that
dances on his face. "There is also internet, junk food, chocolates, murukku and space for you to work." She
rambles.
Arnav smiles. "How can I say no to this sweet deal?"
They aren't ignorant of the reasons for her offer or reasons
for his acceptance.
But for now, they basked in the blissj that came with the
feigned ignorance.
Edited by RockBarbie - 7 years ago
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