Posted:
Updating a small part because of a sudden burst of motivation. .
Last and concluding part hopefully next..
Part 3 : Rebuilding
Ishita stood watching him as she saw him struggling to gain back composure, struggling to fit his features back into that mask he had so painfully got himself out of moments back.
She wanted to speak, wanted to assure him that no, she wasn't here for Mani, she wasn't here for the families, she wasn't there even for the kids, she wasn't here for Ruhi, she wasn't here even for him...she was here for herself. She was being selfish for maybe the first time in her lifetime, she wanted him back, she wanted her Raman back so that she. ..Ishita Raman Bhalla could live, live and love again. Love him all over again, she thought. But this was not the time , she told herself.
Instead she thought he needed to see it, feel it for himself. And they both needed to see for themselves.
Aap bol liye Raman?,she asked. Have you taken out all your angst, or is there something left? If you are finished then I want to show you something.
He looked at her curiously, his eyes now again unyielding. What's it now? Draft of our divorce papers?, he asked, a sardonic smirk on his face.
She looked down now, the lump in her throat growing by the minute, no she couldn't break yet. She had to open her heart and lay it bare for him, he could then choose she thought. He deserved to know too, they both had been fed enough venom about the other from every member of their extended families. Both of them she thought, who once prided themselves in being able to read each other's minds, each other's heartbeats. Were they really too far off to think of a future together? She stifled a sob growing in her throat. .
She dug into her handbag, fiddling a bit, and pulled out a tiny steel box. He looked at it impassively as she held it out in front of her.
Do you remember this Raman, she asked.
She looked up now, her heart beat increasing , with a strange fear. And her eyes scanned his for something, something to tell her , he knew. He knew what she wanted to tell him.
His eyes blinked , as he took in the tiny box and then she heard him stutter.
This. .he said, this ..he said as he struggled with his emotions , you stupid woman, he burst out...his eyes now wet and reddening.. you have still preserved this , bewakoof aurat..he said now clasping the tiny box and her hand that held it...Why? Why?
Now his eyes were pleading and his fingers dug into the soft flesh of her palm,and she finally took a deep breath and decided to let go of herself..for the first time in 7 years...
Raman, she said, do you know, when I left the house that night. I had planned to end it all. I didn't even go home from the hospital. I went straight to find a place somewhere and end it all. But fate didn't allow me that , and you know the rest.
But funnily, had been carrying my purse that day and when I reached Australia , while I vowed to keep myself far away from you and my old life, there was something in here that never allowed me to move on, she said with a tiny laugh. This box , she said.
You know I had switched myself off social media, thrown away all keepsakes, photos , my phone but this remained.
On days when I used to be low, days when my made up perfect life would get too much, days when being alive would hurt, I would take this box out and open it, like a sentimental fool, and tell myself that these were my husband's tears.. the ones I had captured and kept as a treasure once upon a time. These were also the tears I was responsible for , and these were the tears I could never bear to see again, and so I would never come back to your life again. These were the last tears I hoped you would shed.
And then would start another day for me , in exile, my own self imposed exile, she paused and looked up and saw his eyes red with anger ,tears threatening to fall..
She put her hand up to his face, hesitantly, and then a little surer and caught the first tear that dropped.
I really must be manhoos na Raman, see, within moments of us talking , within days of my coming back, I have given you pain again. Here is the evidence , she smiled sadly, putting out her palm at him.
Whack, she felt the sting of his palm hard on her cheek, as she felt his other hand roughly pulling her to him as he crushed her in a tight hug.
I should have known I married a mad woman , he was muttering, while he held her close literally stifling her now, you could have saved all this craziness and just made one call you dumb woman he said Australia kya, I would have even come to the end of the world to get you back. Why the hell did you take it on your own self to punish both of us, all of us for 7 years...he was now shaking her hard as he pulled apart to look at her. Kyun Ishita?
Raman, how do I explain it to you, she choked, i really really thought you hated me. Hated the fact that I lost our daughter, that I fell in your eyes and expectations to be a good mother to our children. That I deserved to be a baan...
His shushed her before she could finish, his hand to her lips. No, he said, never use that word again.
She looked up , as she felt him stiffen and his eyes again glazed up, I have replayed that word and all those things I said to you that night so many times in my mind that it can last us both a lifetime, he said wryly.
He was still holding her close , and she leaned in, placing her palm over his heart , feeling his steady beats.'I am sorry, Raman, she said. He looked down at her and smiled, I thought this was my cue to apologize, he chuckled. She couldn't help but smile back, she felt secure, she felt warm, she felt at home.
I was a beast that night Ishita, he continued ,there is no two ways about it, but I thought you would scream at me, cry , leave me alone maybe, but ending your life? What were you thinking woman? The day I gave my heart and soul to you Ishita was the day you and me ceased to be two different people. If Ishita did not exist, how did you ever imagine Raman could? Tell me Ishita, did it ever occur to you , that by deciding to end your life , you took a decision to end mine too? , he asked.
She looked up now, her arms now around him, not wanting to let go. Like wanting to make up for all lost time.
She felt him shudder suddenly, and she froze as she heard him say , I did try a couple of times you know, to end my life too, to join you in which ever hell or heaven you were in , he paused...
To be continued. ..
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