Epistle 48: Washed Away
A/N: Hey there everyone! :D :D Here is the next update! :D :D
Happy Reading! :D :D
7th
October, 2004:
It's been
exactly four and a half months today.
There was a
time when we couldn't even stay away from each other for four and a half
minutes. Yet we've survived four and a half months without each other day. I
don't understand why it happened, and I don't like it one bit. Not one bit at
all. Maybe that's what life does to you... what it does to everybody. But I
always thought that Ranveer and I were exceptions to the rule. It looks like we
aren't.
We've both
been extremely busy in these four months and maybe in a way, we've been
overworking ourselves just to cover up for each other's void. The time flies by
swiftly, oh yes. And yet the still silence of the night, knowing that there's
no companion to share the day's adventures with, is a pang that strangles my
heart every night. There's no stargazing together and neither is there any laughter.
Just the loneliness and the work we hide under.
Ranveer's been
on-his-toes busy ever since he started with his first year degree course. He
decided to opt for a BA in Economics, with majors in Finance as well as in
Quantitative Mathematics and that's enough to keep him busy. Like always, he
knows what he wants to do so he's never thrown off-course of his goals and
ambitions. I'm following his footsteps by opting for Commerce and so far, it's
fun. Truth be said, I never imagined myself taking up this line of course
because I never saw myself there, and yet somehow, there's a sort of connect.
My 96.2% in
the Boards got me my preference subjects and courses, and I'm really happy
about that (had Ranveer and I been talking, he would have told me that I still
hadn't beaten his record of 97.3% for the 10th). I've been involving myself
into a lot of extra-curriculars at school as well, and it's helping me with my
studies too. I've even begun learning the piano, so that's a very, very good
distraction for me. Music. And apparently, even Ranveer has started taking
guitar classes in his free time. Honestly, how he manages to cramp up so much
in so little time beats me.
He leaves home
at six in the morning, returning back home to do his chores in the afternoon and
again leaves home for his classes. Several times, he goes back to college to
either tutor his classmates who've asked him to help them out with difficulties
in concepts, or else he simply goes back to study until he comes back home at
eleven in the night. And even then if there's any chores remaining or if Papa
is yet to return, he'll wait up until everything is sorted out. He helps Papa
out with the portfolios still and he terribly misses the stock markets.
Well, in case
you're wondering how I know so much, then don't. You know that Papa and Kailash
Kaka keep letting me know things from time to time. They've given up on trying
to get us to reconcile, but they still have their ways of getting their point
across. I don't know whether Ranveer even keeps tabs on me or whether he even
cares, but I make sure to remain updated about him at all times.
I really don't
know what the problem is.
We just don't
seem to be able to talk, or meet eyes or even stay in the same room together
anymore. We attended seven pottery classes together (well, the course was of
ten classes and we even attended the class on the day the entire fiasco
happened as well) and then, we just stopped. There wasn't room to accommodate
either of our egos to class the next day. Papa was saying that the teacher from
our classes did phone today and inform him that if we wanted to take the last
three classes and get the certificate, we could do it in these three days.
I didn't seem
to mind the idea, but Papa said that Ranveer looked rather reluctant. I'm done
with my first term exams anyway so it's alright. Ranveer has his in November,
so I cannot say for him. But anyway, I've told Papa that I'll go in these three
days and complete the course. The fact that our ma'am called from the classes
specially to inquire about the two of us was something I found funny, however.
But I don't blame her; she was missing her two best students from the batch.
Well...
And then
there's my health. This is the fourth time I've fallen sick in four months and
Maa and Papa are worried about me now. The doctors cannot seem to pinpoint any
particular diagnosis except that it's just weakness and poor immunity, but their
medications don't seem to help me anymore, really. Even now, I'm down with
viral. Maa and Papa don't know the reason, but I think it's the stress of
what's happened between Ranveer and myself that's getting to me.
I don't know,
but ever since Ranveer and I stopped talking (I cannot say stopped being
friends because... I don't know), there's something gone drastically wrong with
me. I don't know what it is, but something keeps imploding inside my head all
the time. I get tired easily, I'm more emotionally fragile, I lose my temper
even more so and don't even ask me about the number of times I've cried.
If these were old times, I'd have either gone to Ranveer's room or the store room and would have cried my eyes out until I fell asleep over there like I've done so countless of times. And like always, Ranveer would have brought me back to my room and would have covered me up well or else would have let me sleep in his room until I woke up of my own accord. Kaka and Ranveer would always give me the cot in that case.
And if not Ranveer's room, then it'd always be the store room where I'd fall asleep beside the warmth of the burner and the abandoned books around. But what's the point of the store room when there's no one to find me anymore and hear my woes? Books have always stood by me through thick and thin, but what do I do when the only person who I find my solace in refuses to acknowledge my existence anymore?
But nothing is the same anymore. Nothing feels
good anymore. Nothing feels worth it anymore. It's as though I've been sucked
into some kind of vortex where there is absolutely no happiness anymore, no
life anymore. Everything feels bland, everything feels lonely. There's nobody I
can share anything with and that's what hurts me just a little more every day.
It's like there is no one who cares about me anymore, me and my problems simply
invisible to the world.
There's a whole
string of thoughts that I cannot decipher, but it makes me feel sick every time
they cross my mind. The more I try being happy, the more everything keeps
slipping away. Excluding me, all the other kids are the center of everybody's
attention that nobody bothers to even give me a second look. It's all just
constant taunts of being illegitimate or being ignored entirely as though I
don't exist at all.
I've never
ever felt this terrible in my entire life and it's making me feel more and more
lonely and frustrated with every passing day. It's as though I'm suddenly eight
again where I had no friend and companion, my heart being where I stored the
darkest of secrets. My heart and mind were competent then; they aren't now. I'm
so used to dumping all of my worries, pain, anxieties, miseries and sharing all
of my happiness, love, affection and concern with Ranveer that everything feels
hollow without him.
It was so easy
for him to say that I screwed up everything. That I was the reason of his
misery and for reminding him about his nightmarish past. Did he even once think
about what it did to me? No, because everything has to always be centered
around him. He thinks he's borne pain, but does he even realize the pain that
I've been through seeing him in those conditions? Fighting for his life every
minute, every second... It's very easy for him to say that I screwed things up
and that I've been the reason behind it all.
There will be
a time when he'll realize how it all feels, and that day he'll truly know.
There are
several times when I try to talk to him but he simply avoids my eye, or else he
prefers behaving like I don't exist at all. He's scarring me... I don't like
this cold anger from him. He can yell at me, push me, hit me, do anything that
he wants to do to express his anger and disappointment, but this silent torture
is killing me.
And the fact
that he thinks I would do something like that to him intentionally by
exploiting his weaknesses is something that sickens my guts. How can he even
think like that when he knows that I'd give my life for him?! I've tried
telling him this and clarifying everything but he just doesn't want to listen
to me! So then I let my self-respect maintain that distance between us and walk
away from him.
But enough is
enough! I cannot live
like this anymore!
Thanks to his
genius discovery and our estrangement, the dreams are back, more horrible in
details than ever. I think it's partly even the dreams that are making me go
mad. It's making it all too dark for me... I don't like feeling this way at
all. There are several nights where I wake up screaming and crying, thanking my
stars that nobody was around to see me weak like that. I may dump my troubles
upon Ranveer, but the world could never know that Ishaani Parekh could become
weak. No, that was a vulnerability I couldn't trust anybody with.
He doesn't
realize that he so easily opened a floodgate of nightmares for me, piercing
them sharper and sharper into my sub-conscience every day with our cold
indifference. He doesn't realize how mortifying it is to see so much blood
bleed away from his body, all that blood flowing through my numb fingers, and
staining them with a crimson that doesn't like to leave the lid of my eyes for
several minutes even after the ghastly moment has passed along.
He doesn't
know how it feels to see the life leave his eyes, something that I've seen
twice before even though I haven't bothered to let him know that because he
doesn't need to know. He doesn't know what it feels to live in guilt day after
day for seeing something so conceivably sick in your dreams about someone you
hold so dear in your heart. No, he doesn't know how it feels like and he doesn't
know that I've been keeping him away from this because I didn't want something
like this to haunt him the way it haunts me!
He has no f**king
right to judge me for this! Not when I kept him away from it in the first place
because I care so much about him and because I put his happiness above my own
peace of mind! He has no right to use this nightmare as some sort of my
weakness and call me a coward for it! He is no damn right! I'm NOT a coward, do
you hear me?
I'M NOT A
COWARD!
The pen fell away
from Ishaani's angry grasp as she stared at the sheet with utmost fury, her
eyes red. She felt her head slump upon her diary tiredly as she used her folded
arms as support for her head, tears now pooling upon the empty space on the
writing table. Her head ached terribly and she couldn't sleep, the nightmare
still etched across her mind in grotesquely sharp images.
Snapping her eyes
open, she pushed her chair behind and stood up abruptly, the chair falling to
the floor with a resounding crash. Pacing around the room in half-a-jog-half-a-walk,
she tried talking to herself, calming her mind down about something she knew
there was no assurance about. Screaming out aloud finally when she found no
solace whatsoever, her mind came to a halt at an explosive idea.
There was no one
at home today.
All the family
members were away for the weekend to Mahabaleshwar, Ishaani being left behind
with the helpers because of her ill-health. Ranveer was the only exception who
stayed behind because he still had to do his research upon the Indian
Economy and its Trending Scales for his thesis paper due of the term end
next month.
Oh yes, she was
going to put an end to all of her miseries with the one solution her mind
seemed benignly fixed upon. She didn't care how she was going to do it or how
she was going to justify anything, but she knew that this was going to be the
only solution if she wanted to put an end to her misery once and for all
tonight. Screw ego, this was her life she was talking about!
This was Ranveer
that she was talking about!
Making her way
towards Ranveer's room with determined steps, she hammered the door with the
loudest of door knocks, not caring about the fact that it was now three in the
morning. The door opened of its own accord and Ishaani barged into the room, uncaring about whether it was good manners or no like Ranveer had reprimanded her about several times.
Her eyes instantly fell upon Ranveer who looked as though he'd collasped upon his bed rather unceremoniously in a faint. And through the chaos he mumbled rather tiredly, his words more unconscious and out of reflex rather than actual awareness.
"Ishaani, let me sleep... How many times have I told you not to enter the room without knocking?"
Ishaani still didn't feel her anger abate as she switched on the lights, her face already stained with tears. The lights snapped Ranveer out of his disoriented slumber and he blinked his eyes irritably, trying to understand what was actually happening. By the time he got up from the bed, his eyes were still half closed even though he now looking irked.
His sleep-stained eyes lost all trace from his face however when his eyes fell upon Ishaani.
-x-
"Ishaani,
what are you doing here?"
Pushing him aside, Ishaani walked over and slumped on the floor, her eyes glazed as she
looked at him eerily, her lips pouted at him like a disapproving child. And
then began the barrage of gibberish once again, her voice and tears making a
terrible combination for Ranveer to understand a single word that she was
telling him. Somehow, being thundered upon at three in the morning felt
unacceptable to him as he looked at her placidly, pondering upon how best to deal with the situation. Giving her a look torn
between sympathy and annoyance, he covered the distance between them.
"Get up, I'm
taking you to your room. You don't know what you're talking anymore," he
remarked blankly, catching hold of her arm and pulling her up.
"No!"
she shrieked in return as she slapped his hand away, her eyes now manic.
"I've come to talk to you and I'm not going anywhere until I've spoken my
share, alright?"
"There's
nothing left to talk about except that you need to sleep. Come on," he
said, this time his voice exasperated.
Ishaani gave him
a disbelieving look at the cool he posed in front of her as though their
estrangement meant nothing to him. As though she meant nothing to him.
"Enough!"
she yelled, now pushing him harshly against the wall and pinning him with her
hand clasped upon his mouth. She was a girl now possessed with her demons
afire.
"Just shut
up for once and listen to me!"
Ranveer looked at
her, now frightened by her demented behaviour as Ishaani removed her hand away,
breathing hardly.
"Ishaani,
please..." began Ranveer but Ishaani cut him rudely.
"You think
you're too smart, playing all Mr. Attitude with me, huh? How dare you,
Ranveer?" exploded Ishaani as she now removed her fury by shaking him by
the collar of his night-shirt. "How dare you behave like this with
me?! I'm your best friend, your only friend, and this is
how you treat me? How dare you call me a coward?!"
"Ishaani,
I-" began Ranveer irritably even though his eyes clearly indicated that he
was petrified. Ishaani cut him again.
"I told you
to shut up!" she yelled and he fell silent, now staring at her
shaking form in worry.
Ishaani walked
over and slumped upon the floor once again, hiding her face into her palms and
beginning to cry unabashedly. Ranveer remained rooted upon the spot as he continued to stare at her in shock while she spoke into her hands now.
"How could
you even think that I wanted to harm you... or- or do you bad when you... kn-
know how much I care for you and how much you mean to me? How could you even
think so low of me, Ranveer? It was just meant to be a prank... I
didn't know that it would remind you about the ragging incident... How could
you even think that of me? I want an answer, Ranveer!"
Ranveer gazed at
her silently, tears brimming in his eyes at the sight of his broken friend. His
handiwork in front of him was complete; her's was brutally imploding amidst the
calm faade he put on.
"Talk to me,
please! Please! Please for God's sake, stop ignoring me! Stop treating
me like I don't exist... Please... Do you even know how much it pains me
when you won't talk to me...? How much it hurts me when you don't care about
me...? I cannot take this cold anger and silent treatment anymore!"
sobbed Ishaani harder, heaving for breath.
Ranveer looked at
her uncertainly, gulping away the tears of guilt that were this close to
spilling away.
"Ishaani,
we'll talk about this tomorrow, okay?" said Ranveer finally after a few
minutes, his strength failing him. He'd had an
exhausting day without any proper sleep from the past two days, the tiredness finally having crept into his senses and overriding all emotions as he collapsed into unconsciousness halfway through studying until she barged into the room and rudely brought him awake. But he couldn't tell her that because he knew that her woes were bigger than his tonight.
Ishaani looked at him and exploded
violently.
"NO! I WANT
AN ANSWER RIGHT NOW!"
Ranveer gave her
a rebuked look at being spoken to so unreasonably, especially with his head aching fit to burst. He retorted heatedly.
"Look, I'm
not avoiding you or treating you anyway, okay? You're the one who's been
showing me all that attitude. And I don't have an issue if you just accept your
bloody mistake and say that you are at fault. The fact that you keep dumping
this on my head as though I've committed a sin by reading those sheets even
though I was trying to help you is where I-"
"I was
trying to protect you, you idiot!" she countered even before
Ranveer could finish what he was saying. "How would you feel if I read
away your deepest fears and insecurities, passing it off and using random
comments on it, huh?!" she continued, now looking at him through bloodshot
eyes.
Ranveer remained
silent as he turned his back upon her disheveled form, letting time trickle
away as he absorbed her words and the magnitude of pain in them.
"If you want
an apology from me, you are not getting one," he said with finality even
though there was a crude pain that choked his voice. The stand wasn't worth it;
all he wanted to do was take her back into his arms and never let go of her
again.
"Don't you
see? I don't want an apology... I just want you back," she
whispered, and Ranveer shut his eyes painfully. Silence reigned upon the room
once again as Ranveer shut his eyes, letting Ishaani's words wash upon him. She
was right - it wasn't worth it. The ego wasn't worth it. The pain wasn't.
The sobs
eventually faded away into the silence of the night as Ranveer swayed upon the spot in another spell of darkness,
the exhaustion hitting him with full force. He was tired of the same thing
happening over and over again. It had to stop.
And then the prolonged
silence turned cold.
The air felt
sharp; something felt drastically wrong. Turning on the spot, Ranveer realized
that the reason of the silence was not a conscious one, but an unconscious one.
Ishaani had fallen unconscious upon the floor with her lips parted, her
breathing slightly hoarse. Quickly sitting beside her, he pulled her into his
lap and rubbed her palms furiously, quickly fetching a glass of water and
sprinkling it upon her face.
No effect.
He patted her
face softly and could feel her skin burning in what he was certain was a fever.
Carrying her in his arms as his mind buzzed with panic and urgency alike, he
swiftly took her up to her bedroom, his knees buckling by the time he tucked
her into her bed securely. His ill-health could wait. Quickly taking about the telephone book from beside
Ishaani's bedside drawer, he gave the doctor a call when Ishaani still did not
responding to any immediate method he used to get her conscious.
The next
twenty-five minutes passed away with the most painful of assurances and
reassurances that Ranveer gave to an unconscious-Ishaani, anything to get her
to wake up but all falling upon deaf ears. Just when the dread felt unbearable,
the doctor finally arrived, putting Ranveer at definite ease. Completing his
evaluation in another ten minutes, the older man gave Ranveer a small smile to
ease away his fears even though his eyes were grim.
"It was a
smart thing what you did, son. She's just had a nervous breakdown because of
some kind of stress, but it's a good thing that you called me on time," he
informed genially, patting Ranveer's shoulder. He let out a shaky sigh of
relief.
"Will she be
alright?" asked Ranveer nervously, looking at Ishaani's pale, troubled
face.
"Yes, she
should be fine by tomorrow. She's been down with viral as well, but she should
be alright. Just keep giving her warm fluids," advised the doctor and
Ranveer nodded furiously.
"Is there
anything else I need to keep in mind?"
"I've
written out a few tablets, so just give them to her. She's got a high fever so
I've written out an antibiotic for her that she'll have to take three times a
day for the next three days. The fever should come down, but if you feel it's
going up again, keep giving her cold water compresses on her forehead."
"If there's
anything else, can I give you a call?" asked Ranveer, while the doctor
gave him a warm smile.
"By all
means. Take care, son," wished the doctor as he picked up his kit and
shook Ranveer's hand.
"Thank you
so much, doctor, and sorry for the trouble at this time," said Ranveer
apologetically as the clock now pointed at a quarter past four in the morning.
The doctor flashed him a quick smile and left the room, while Ranveer retook
his place beside Ishaani once again.
One of the
helpers escorted the doctor to his car while another one took the prescription
away from Ranveer to get Ishaani the necessary medicines. Ranveer phoned
Harshad and informed him about Ishaani after a couple of minutes, knowing that
the inevitable had to be done. The frenzied father assured that he was to come
back as soon as he could, only restraining himself with great difficulty from
exploding on the phone at his daughter's stupidity of not being more careful
with her health.
No elaboration
was asked behind the cause of her breakdown because Harshad Parekh was no fool,
but Ranveer was gratified that his mentor saw him in great light for being the
one who took proper care of his daughter in need.
Sitting beside
Ishaani as he looked at her troubled expression, Ranveer felt his heart squirm
with guilt and pain. He never wanted to be the one to inflict this kind of pain
upon her. How could he when she was his life, his soul? He'd
sworn that he'd always keep her happy no matter what it took, no matter what
the cost. Then how had he become the cause of her pain today? God would punish
him for his imprudence, he was certain, because she was his religion and he had
upset her.
Feeling wave
after wave of guilt wash upon him, Ranveer took out the handkerchief out from
the vessel of cool water kept upon the nightstand. Squeezing it, he put the
strip of cloth upon her head, his mind deep in thought. Things were not going
the way he wanted to... If he had his own nightmares to deal with, he had
forgotten that she had her own ones to deal with as well. She had been the one
who had fought the world for him, then how could he be so oblivious to her
pains and troubles?
And the fact that
he was directly responsible for her health was something that made his heart squelch
irregularly with the feeling of foreboding.
He kept dabbing
the wet cloth upon her forehead as he touched her hand and face from time to
time, the reduced fever a relief. He sighed as he shut his eyes, planting a
kiss upon her forehead, a tear falling from his eye alongside. She was his most
prized treasure, and he could never stay away from her.
It had been their
tussle of egos, the brutal game of who would break first. She's broken first;
he'd broken her. It still didn't mean that things would go back to being the
way they were because they still had a lot to talk upon and a lot of conflicts
to resolve. But they'd spent four and a half months for a cause they believed
in; a madness they'd been a part of. To stand up to what was right according to
them and not submit to the other's will. But was it worth it at all in the end?
One breakdown was
enough to wash it all away.
Constructive criticism will be more than welcome and sorry for any typos. :D :D
Next chapter:
Epistle 49
Edited by LadyMeringue - 7 years ago
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