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STALKING for DUMMIES [by Nandini Murthy]

jessateurbrain Senior Member
jessateurbrain
jessateurbrain

Joined: 07 November 2014
Posts: 244

Posted: 26 December 2014 at 10:36am | IP Logged

A guide to becoming an obsessive compulsive, crazy, stalker level lover without your stalkee's knowledge for dummies

 

Hey all you creepy Connies,

So you are in LOVE with this guy. And, he is:

  1. Out of you league
  2. With someone else
  3. Thinks you are weird
  4. Doesn't know you exist
  5. All of the above


I am assuming it is all of the above. Hence, you approach me. You have come to right place. I am the best and perhaps the only expert on the subject who managed to date the guy she drools over. Did I just see your jaws drop? That's exactly what I wanted. You know my name ain't Nandini for nothing. He sticks to me like a bee to honey.

 

So, how did I manage to bag this statue of my dreams? Well, I didn't try. It's a long story but the gist of it is, we is za couple. You already knew that but, since this is my blog, I reserve the exclusive rights to brag. Now, back to your problem. Crap, he is here. I have got to go but, I will finish up in a little bit. Till then, do not kill that other girl. Remember, girls do not hate other girls. They just hate the fact the others get to talk to him while you sulk in your room gorging on a bag of cheetos, reading my blog and being perpetually jealous of how fabulous my life is. K bye.

 

What was saying again? My obsession, yes. He is our college's rising star. I am sure your crush feels like one too but, mine's the REAL DEAL. He mesmerizes me. I have made you jealous enough for today and I am 90% sure you will run after me with rotten tomatoes if  don't give you some useful tips. So, here goes nothing:

 

STEP 1 

Pick a guy: I am sure you have already done that but, if not then, here is what you are looking for: make sure he is either good looking or you have too low a self-esteem to consider him handsome (JK, I  am sure you do not lack self esteem). Next, he should be way out your reach. Specifically, the only way he would go out with you is if the earth was a rectangle. This in no way gives him the right to treat you like trash. It usually means one or all of the things I mentioned in the beginning.

 

STEP 2

Get to "know" your guy like the back of your hand: What is his favourite food? The name of his mom? The game of his mom? (By that, I mean what your future MIL's deal is. What does she like? How can you get on her good side?) What use does mama have in your stalking, you ask? Well, you sure have not watched rom-coms. Mummy picks a girl for our hero. He never likes her as much as he likes the witch who throws herself at him. You and I both know you are no witch. What does that make you then? Mummy's pick.

 

Now that we have gotten that settled, lets move on to the how to's. Pick out a place near his house. I don't know, like a tree that gives good views of his bedroom. And, you are Sherlock Homes so, you need to invest in a good pair of binoculars to observe your speciMAN. Pay attention to his mundane activities because, lets get real, you will not spend a  penny at the fancy Whole Foods even if you had to starve. But, when he is eating that free range rotisserie chicken or that cream cheese box he just touched or that organic dog food he lay his eyes on, you will shell out your wallet. You couldn't care less that you can not name a dog let along owning one as a pet. You WILL stuff your face with his cheese even though you are lactose intolerant and you would never let his chicken escape your sight even if it meant get mould in your fridge. 

 

Essentially, what I am trying to get as is, go watch him like a hawk so you can figure out where to drool. No, seriously get working! Next time, I will post a makeup tutorial on how to blend in the background. Cause you don't want him thinking you za freak. 

 

 

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