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PLEASE HELP ME - MARRIAGE PROBLEM update pg.3

-Chicha- IF-Dazzler
-Chicha-
-Chicha-

Joined: 08 April 2007
Posts: 3316

Posted: 24 December 2014 at 5:49pm | IP Logged

Hi all...I need an advice for you all please help me make the right decision and help me chose what to do. I know its long but please read it and help us. ..


I fell in love with this guy in Jul 2010, and we started going out. However, we found out our caste is different. But we are both punjabi. Later on he moved away to another state and still we kept in touch and still dated. He visited me once or twice a month. Later on in 2012 He moved really far away because his parents started their business there. He came to see me after like 6 months because it was really far. His parents knew about me and they didnt say anything to him. I spoke to his mom too and she just asked me if I loved him and wanted to marry him. I told her yes I do. However, my parents found out too but they didnt like him, they told me to leave him in 2011, because I was too young and still studying. However, we both planed that we will convince them after im done with my college.


We were together for 4 years, he was like my life. Everyday we talked from goodmorning to goodnight and we talked at least three times per day, and everyday on skype. However, this year in Jul 2014 his parents went to india and they told him to go to since it was his cousins marriage. So, his parents went one month early, and he went one month latter. He didnt know anything what his parents was doing. When he went to india, after 3 days his parents told him hes getting married. They showed him the girl on his counsin's marriage. His mom took away his passport and started emotional blackmailing him . He told me about it and I called his mom and I spoke to his mom. His mom told me straight that she is not going to let him marry me, because our caste is different, and now nothing can happen. After the mom, I spoke to the sister. She told the same thing. So much was going around that eventually he agreed to get married but he told me that we will always be friends and its just not meant to be together.


He got married end of jul and stayed in india for 1 and half month. He came back to the usa in September. He told me everything what happened. Latter on we just talked like friends, but I always loved him and I knew he loved me too. We still said I love to each other, and we still talked like we talked before. This month december he found out that his parents argree to his brother's marriage. His older brother has a gf who is not punjabi and his parents told him that they will never agree. But now they agreed to his marriage. My bf was totally shattered when he heard that . He asked them why and they told him that he should not interfere. That time he told me everything, he told me he doesnt love his wife, he does not like her. He is not happy with her. He is forcing himself to talk with her. And now that he heard about his brother wedding he is totally completely broken. He should have never listened to his parents. He told me he wants to leave his wife and come to me, since he hurted me. He also didnt have any physical relation with his wife cuz he was not ready. Also, his wife knew he was still talking to me but she didnt tell him that she knew. So, just two weeks ago he told his wife everything that he loves me and will always love me, and she should back out. The wife told everything to my bf's mom. Then his mom talked with him and he told his mom same thing that he is not happy with her and he wants to leave her. His mom told him, too bad they can not do anything now. He has to live with her no matter what. His mom said if he take any wrong step then she will do something wrong too. And his wife's family will even send them to jail...etc...


So, now we are stuck, we do not know what to do. He wants to leave everything and come to me, but hes also scared of what his mom told him. He doesnt want to live with a person whom he doesnt love.


Our love is so pure and true that we ony we can only be happy with each other. If I get hurt he feels it. I know it sounds kinda tacky, but if you ever been in love you will know. He completes me and I complete him. His one mistake of agreeing to marriage has become a big problem. We do not know what to do. We want to be with eachother but we do not see a way. Please if anyone has a suggestion please help us. Thank you.



Edited by -Chicha- - 02 February 2015 at 12:53pm

-Chicha- IF-Dazzler
-Chicha-
-Chicha-

Joined: 08 April 2007
Posts: 3316

Posted: 25 December 2014 at 7:09pm | IP Logged
someone please gvive me an advice
Born2Pizza Senior Member
Born2Pizza
Born2Pizza

Joined: 03 November 2014
Posts: 940

Posted: 27 December 2014 at 10:12pm | IP Logged
Chicha, 
I am so sorry that this happened to you. I know its a hard phase but keep yourself together. 

There are few things which you guys can try. Communication is so important over here. I think your Boy friend can talk to his wife about this thing and see where they end up. Probably, she able to understand that it would be a mistake to spend  life with someone who can never love or respect her which she deserve. But hey remember, this issue is very sensitive - you can't push or force her. She has every right to be with him. And you are basically saying to get separated which is a huge thing specially when it comes to desi community and how there is huge taboo about divorce. So, she will be doing huge favor on you guys imo - treat her with respect. 

He can also take help of lawyer and look what he can do with that. With this, drama will occur but if things can happen lawfully and legally, i think it will help a lot. 

I have other issue as well, you said that your parents weren't ready for him. Have you thought about it, if somehow he able to get separated from her would your parents will able to accept him ? He is not only from different caste but will be a divorcee now. So, its important your parents know what you are up to. 

Last is - you guys can just accept that somethings are not meant to be together and we have to let go against our wishes. Take it, as almighty has given you such precious lesson of letting go someone so beloved, to make your faith stronger in him. With time, pain dampens up and love can happen again. And if you guys realize that things aren't possible then please don't remain friends with each other - at least for few years - don't be in touch- absolute no contact. It will only help in recovering you up. 

Be strong and be a good support to him. Its the fight of you two, not his alone. Main work lies on his head but don't let him feel alone anytime. You are very much needed to him. Whatever decision he or you guys make - either to be together or not - keep it mutual and always give that silent support to each other. 

good luck. I know love conquers in end and believe in yourself, in your love and in god. If you guys are meant to be together, you will be. :) 

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khan_-Swetha-

khan_ Goldie
khan_
khan_

Joined: 14 January 2013
Posts: 1879

Posted: 28 December 2014 at 1:33am | IP Logged
felt very bad
not understanding what to tell
honeybees22 IF-Sizzlerz
honeybees22
honeybees22

Joined: 21 June 2013
Posts: 24303

Posted: 28 December 2014 at 10:02am | IP Logged
Sorry for whatever happened to you.
Seriously have no idea what to say about this.
Maybe you should try talking to his wife and explain what this relation means to you and him, being a woman she should really understand what you are going through and so is your BF.

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-Swetha-

TheBoss IF-Sizzlerz
TheBoss
TheBoss

Joined: 06 October 2011
Posts: 16543

Posted: 28 December 2014 at 12:39pm | IP Logged
He is married. Its time to move on. If he's cheating on his wife now talking to you, someday he will cheat on you as well.

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nada

-Chicha- IF-Dazzler
-Chicha-
-Chicha-

Joined: 08 April 2007
Posts: 3316

Posted: 28 December 2014 at 9:44pm | IP Logged
Thank you all for commenting .

1. I know I will convince my parents because my parents also had a love marriage and they understand what love is

2. He did speak to his wife - but she told him that he can beat her kill her but she's not leaving him and he told her straight up that he doesn't like her one bit. Also she doesn't want to talk with me .


3. His mom told him today that if he ever talk with me again then he will see her dead face

4. I know him more than myself and he has done a lot for me and him cheating on me is impossible . He had already try to kill himself for me , and he told me same if he doesn't feel happy he will kill himself again .

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Born2PizzaTheBoss-Swetha-

TheBoss IF-Sizzlerz
TheBoss
TheBoss

Joined: 06 October 2011
Posts: 16543

Posted: 28 December 2014 at 10:00pm | IP Logged
Here is what I would like you to do. There is a link in my signature. I want you to read that. It will make you feel better.

The following 1 member(s) liked the above post:

-Swetha-

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