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Diya Aur Baati Hum
Diya Aur Baati Hum

Parents - consequences of emotional blackmail of children

GovindaGovinda Senior Member
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Posted: 22 December 2014 at 10:53am | IP Logged

These thoughts came to my mind after watching post HJ episodes

Bhabo - every parent has one favorite among their children, for what ever reasons -  her favorite son Suraj - he is born with golden heart - u seldom see people like this in this world - (no offense to anyone)

if they exist, they will become  Goutam Budha, Swami Vivekananda,  Mahatma Gandhi, etc

Bhabo - loved Suraj very much - he is not only her favorite son but he will do anything for her or for the family- he proved it many times - gave up his education, helped Vikram, Mohit, Chavi without any thing in return - she always thought Suraj is her 'Sravan Beta'

until Sandhya came

Bhabo could not accept her sons' unconditional love for Sandhya - she was insecure of her son's love towards her

showed her anger by calling him names like 'slave to his wife' - emotionally blackmailed him - Suraj always tried to convince her that he has not changed

finally she accepted him and Sandhya dream but with condition - the great 'Vachan 8'

why does she have to do that? Bhabo never expected same from her other children - she knew they will not listen to her so she used Suraj for her own satisfaction but in the name of family

is it ok for parents to do this to their children? I understand this is supposed to be fiction? But does anyone think this happens a lot in our culture - meaning parents try to run children's life - why can they not the child grow according to his/her wish?  

I agree that as a parent we have to provide direction to our children so that they use the direction to fulfill their life ambition - let them be independent 

but why do we try to make decisions for them??

in this case, Suraj is completely capable person - still Bhabo tried to influence him all the time

after Bhabo, it is Babasa who is expecting Suraj to be one 'Sravan beta' - why?  

what does that mean? if Suraj is Sravan beta, then are Bhabo/babasa qualify to be 'Sravan Beta' parents??

so what do we expect from these children??  how can these children live happy life when parents always use emotional blackmail so the children will do what they want them to do

I am a mother who loves my children very much - I will never do this emotional blackmail on them because I know that is wrong and I have to answer to my subconscious which I do not think I can convince - i.e my subconscious

same here - Bhabo could never convince her subconscious 

Same with Babasa

shame on them as parents who do not let their children grow normally

sorry if I offend anyone - this is my opinion only - I want to see how others think

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Posted: 22 December 2014 at 9:55pm | IP Logged
The show is not showing something which doesn't exist. We do see parents like Bhabo & babasa and also parents like Meena's mother & Emili's mother. We also have mothers like Chavvi's MIL.
 
Likewise we do have son's like Suraj and also like Vikram & Mohit.
 
The only difference is that here they are showing it a bit hyper side so that they can get viewers. If there is no spice, no one will glued to TV screen, if they have to see the same thing they live in and live out in their daily life.
 
Yes Bhabo at times looks hypocrite and more demanding but at the same time she also loves Suraj unconditionally. Yes she isdependant on his earnings ever since her husband was sick and advised not to do heavy work. It is not that Babasa was a waste body from the day one. He was working as an halwai and when he was chronically sick, then Suraj had to step into his shoes to take care of the family as he was the eldest son. And I have seen in many families that the eldest son or daughter will take the responsibility of the family on their shoulder just to ease their parents burden and the parents will emotionally relay on them for everything. So that is what has happened here also. When husband can't hold the reigns of the family due to certain reasons, then it will be the responsibility of the wife to take it into her hands and for that she will have to become tough. That quality after sometime will look rude to others but that would be because of the rough phase she had to under go in life to bring up her family.
 
And about emotional blackmail of parents on children: Is it only parents who does that, don't children do the same thing on parents? When Bhabo said something we think she is blackmailing her but when Suraj says the same to Bhabo we feel it as his love for Sandya. Why do we have double standards? But please I am not saying whatever Bhabo did was not wrong but what ever Suraj did was also wrong (when he went out with Sandya leaving his house). He could have stressed it to Bhabo that whatever she did to Sandya was wrong, but no he kept quiet and went out saying within 15 days you will call us back as you can't stay without your son & DIL. Was that not Blackmail?
 
Yes, even I am a mother but I openly accepts it that at times, I do happen to use this trick (Emotional Blackmail) whenever my daughter tries to become stubborn. All I will say "OK, do whatever you want, Don't tell me anything, its your wish and you decide what is best for you. Who am I to advise etc." Its not that I don't love my daughter or I don't want her to explore the horizon but it is only because I don't want her to be hurt in any way. So When we as parents say that, it is for the kids to revisit their plans or to reconsider their decision. Few minutes delay can change life.
 

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mahiwayyyRajeshriSthala

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Posted: 22 December 2014 at 10:29pm | IP Logged
I do not have any issue with Suraj being asked to step in to fill Babasa role as 'bread winner' - I understand that
but Bhabo always used emotionl blackmail on him after  his marraige - why??

 when Sandhya voted and Bhabo found out that Suraj knew about it - remember she refuesed to eat

when Suraj defended Sandhya after her  education truth came out - how much emotional blackmail she did

we as parents, like u said, use this on our children but when do we do that - when they are small, may be upto high school - that is to make them understand the situation they are in

Suraj did not use emotional blackmail on Bhabo - he tried his best to convince her how important it is for him as well s Sandhya to complete her studies - Bhabo always rejected - when he found out about all the things that she did, he had no other choice - so he left the house so Sandhya can study in peace for her exams -  

It was Bhabo who created that situation - she did not leave Suraj with any other option

even after coming back, she took  vow from Sandhya about fulfilling her 'bahu' duties first - why"  
there is no need for that - she could have waited to see how Sandhya fulfills her duites as wife and IPS officer

again and again I see this (pre-HJ) emotional blackmail on Suraj fromBhabo

post-HJ- Babasa took that role -

if he does not agree with Bhabo, he is called 'joru ka gulam' - no one feels good hearing that and Suraj does not deserve that

I just feel that this is not healthy for any child to go thru -

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sunshine73mahiwayyyRajeshriSthala

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Posted: 22 December 2014 at 10:41pm | IP Logged
good post Gg
every word of your post is true
there is always a special child for a mom
however they deny its the truth
you tend to have a soft corner for the child who obeys you

and what you said about EV was fantastic 
Clap

if you ask for promise it shows you dont believe in them or trust them

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mahiwayyyRajeshriSdeejagi

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Posted: 22 December 2014 at 10:58pm | IP Logged
The truth is Bhabo was not against a educated girl initially and infact she had fixed Suraj's rishta with an educated girl who ran away on her wedding day, just before the barat entered their house for the rituals claiming she can't marry an halwai. Ever since then she was afraid of her son being looked down by others because of his educational status and occupation. That's why she wanted a girl who is literate but not beyond higher primary school and when she got Sandya as her Bahu, she was made to believe that Sandya is only studied till 7th standard.
 
She didn't want Sandya to resume her studies as she was fearing that her son will end up suffering with inferiority complex even if Sandya doesn't have superiority complex. Forget about Bhabo, even in an not so orthodox family, even now while finalizing an alliance, they will look for a boy who is slightly highly placed or in equal terms of the girl, so that the boy should not feel inferior to his wife. So when it came to the question of IPS, yes Bhabo feared that after becoming an officer, Sandya's priorities will change and she may not give required attention to her husband and family and she didn't want her son to suffer due to her DIL commitments. For her her son's life  is important than anything in the universe and that was the reason, she took that 8th Vachan that Sandya will keep her family ahead of her duty because she knew very well that  for her son, his family is more important and if his wife gives priority to his family means, she is always with him in life. She she took that promise to secure her son's life and not to make Sandya a prisoner with her vachan. She had anticipated this day (Suraj discording Sandya for his family since she cared for her duty than her family, atleast in his POV), and she never wanted that to happen.

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mahiwayyyRajeshriSthala

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Posted: 22 December 2014 at 11:29pm | IP Logged
This is where I have completely different opinions may be because I have been away from Indi for long my views might have changed
First of all Bhabo should know her son more than anyone in the family - when he told her that he does not feel inferior to Sandhya - why did she not believe him?

she is smart lady, she can figure Sandhya very well - she has seen her attitude toward her family - why did she not give her benefit of the doubt
What are DIL commitments?  when her son is ok with his wife being IPS officer, she should respect that and let them live their life

if things do not work out, then she can advice them 

but she needs to let them grow to begin with - am I right

how long do parents want to control their children lives? 

As a mother, she should let them be independent but teach them to have good family values so they in return teach their children the same

like I said, my views are very different so no offense please

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sunshine73mahiwayyypallavi25thala

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Posted: 22 December 2014 at 11:33pm | IP Logged
no GG
my pov is also the same
you can and you should control your children only till certain age
and before they say to us " look you have done enough now i know how to care of myself", we should better givve them the space they deserve


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