Writers Corner: Books, Stories & Poems


Writers Corner: Books, Stories & Poems
Writers Corner: Books, Stories & Poems

One Shot - The Final Call

Flame.Of.Rose IF-Sizzlerz

Joined: 01 April 2010
Posts: 16714

Posted: 03 July 2014 at 4:46am | IP Logged

"None deserve a painful death. Many say this but the question remains the same. If no one deserves a painful death then why do majority of people die a very vengeful death, ranging from old adults to infants?"


Since he couldn't afford risking to be seen, Piyush ran using those tiny toddler feet of his towards his dad's car. Playing hide and seek while the ball of life was busy yawning and preparing for his rest, was his favourite part of routine and why not? You won't expect anything less from a child of seven, now would you? Even as a child, the feeling of loosing is miserable be it in race, studies, amount of toys or in these games and Piyush was no exceptional to it. With the firm resolve to win the game, he went ahead, opened the door of his father's unlocked car, settled inside and waited. Waited for those people to give up and announce him as a winner.


He being a chipmunk in disguise, sitting back quietly was not exactly his forte so he started fishing for something amusing in the car. So focused was he that he failed to realize the fact that the flailing hands of his groping something for support to prevent a face-fall got the grip of car's door, locking the car in process.


Time passed, finally the royalty settled in flashing his cloak studded with diamonds and he still waited for his friends to shout his name, give up on finding him and begging him to come out.


Now were the time of eerie silence, yet none come up for him. Tired, he open the car to get back at home and complain to his mother of his looser friends who couldn't even find him. His future plans were brutally crashed by the reality. Car door wasn't opening. He tried yet again but it didn't budged. So scared was he and started shouting, calling his parents for help that he failed to notice the lock of car.


Wailing. Shouting. Scared. He called his parents for help. Constantly banging the window, hoping against hope that someone would see him. So frantic was he that the consumption of oxygen by his body increased every second.


It started getting suffocated; he banged the window with even more strength. Nothing made sense to him. Many of his nails were broken, many scratches could be seen on the window if looked carefully, and maybe someone might see those thin lines of blood along those scratches which oozed out from his fingers. He was screeching, beckoning his parents to listen to him, and crying to them that he was getting scared. The darkness wasn't friendly with him, it was scaring him. He called his mother so that she could come and he could finally sleep in her lap, away from this darkness. Also the sense of someone taking him away from his home was frightening. Calling his father, he wanted him to prove that he is his superhero, that he can save him from anyone and anything. He didn't like all this at all. He wanted to convey all of it to his parents.


His voice started betraying him; he was finding it difficult to breath let alone cry and pour his heart out. The raging pain shot through his body making him whimper with helplessness. He didn't liked it, didn't liked to be helpless. No more could he think about it that even more a stronger pain engulfed him. The pain was so excruciating that it, finally, engulfed him under its cage, laughing away merrily at yet another victory of his waiting for those flooding tears to cascade down the face of many.


Okay so today my Accounts teacher told in class of the accident he read of in newspaper this morning. The thing I wrote up actually happened and a kid of 7 dies just like that for his friends, upon not finding him, left and didn't informed his parents. Also his family didn't noticed until dinner time that he was not there. When they all ran to different direction, one of them found him in car, dead. So back from school, this is empowering my mind hence I wrote what I wrote. 

P.S. Hated it, liked it, loved it? Do drop in your reviews and tell me what you feel about it.

P.P.S For PMs in future, buddy CrescentCradle

- Aditi

Edited by Flame.Of.Rose - 14 December 2014 at 2:13pm

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abditory. IF-Stunnerz

Joined: 16 April 2012
Posts: 35902

Posted: 03 July 2014 at 5:07am | IP Logged
I didnt know there's a writer hidden in you. You are just so flawless with your words and describing the emotions. For a start, let me just i appreciate the use to quote. It enhances the depth of the what you are going to write. This was heart breaking to be honest. Small children tend to lose their lives in their innocence. Parents are broken with only one question, how could death toy with innocence of my child. I knew the end Piyush was going to meet. Writing a death is a painful job.

laughing away merrily at yet another victory of his waiting for those flooding tears to cascade down the face of many.

I love this sentence. The way you wrote it from death's point of view is something amazing. I remember reading a book 'Book Thief' and death was narrating the story. You should read it. 

This was a pretty depressing one. Next time write a happy one ROFL

Edited by exhalelove. - 09 July 2014 at 1:57pm

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santiagosentyou IF-Stunnerz

Joined: 03 May 2013
Posts: 31746

Posted: 03 July 2014 at 6:55am | IP Logged
I don't know whether I can say this but I'm so proud of you maasi for writing this one shot, I really am. Writing anything on death is tough, no doubt and especially pain of that of a child, a stranger is tough and you've done it extremely well.
I wouldn't say this made me cry of that this made me really upset or sad. I don't really know why. I felt bad for the guy for sure but somehow, I couldn't connect, in that way. I did have goosebumps and cringed at some parts but couldn't feel the pity for that child and I'm in now way trying to affect you Maasi. :3

I will say one thing, you've used language brilliantly. I can only imagine how the kid sat through it. The parts with the nails and blood is a definite favorite. <3 

This somehow felt like death though. Maybe that's why I was unaffected. I've never feared death, maybe that's why it didn't affect me much.

But definitely, it is amazingly executed Maasi, it truly is. You've done your part very well. :)

I know you'll probably be pissed but I'm hoping I can be honest with you. :3

Edited by ARandKJFan - 09 July 2014 at 3:50am

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sharif_lafungi IF-Sizzlerz

Joined: 22 September 2013
Posts: 20784

Posted: 03 July 2014 at 7:08am | IP Logged
adi whats this...plz tu kya kya sun ke aati hai nd itna painful likhti hai fir...
this was depressing...7 year old nd such painful death...the way u wrote his feelings..his helplessness...goddd...its so painful...no words to explain how perfectly u wrote this...
i dnt know wat to say...its amazing...

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sumimita IF-Rockerz

Joined: 08 June 2012
Posts: 8674

Posted: 03 July 2014 at 8:02am | IP Logged
aditi this is not fair

it is really very painful...

ab mind acha banane k liye ek happy wala os likho...

with lots of love

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neha_bbsr2005 IF-Rockerz

Joined: 08 November 2005
Posts: 6167

Posted: 03 July 2014 at 8:03am | IP Logged
He was only seven and had to die like this Cry Its really sad and depressing..
But brilliantly written.. My heart went out to him.. Cry

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trishikarajput0 Senior Member

Joined: 04 February 2014
Posts: 842

Posted: 03 July 2014 at 8:31am | IP Logged
Beautifully written...
but it was really a painful one...
but really loved it...
you really have penned the emotions very well...
Awesome os...
thanx for pm...

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-CromulentHaze- IF-Stunnerz

Joined: 21 January 2011
Posts: 35320

Posted: 03 July 2014 at 9:46am | IP Logged
Aditi. I really don't know what to say. I mean this piece of your's just broke my heart. I could never imagine anyone going through such a thing. I mean it's so painful  to lose a child. But I'm glad you brought this topic up and made it aware to people that we need to keep a better eye on where our children are. So thank you. And do keep writing. 


Edited by .BezubaanPari. - 03 July 2014 at 3:23pm

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