ArShi OS: For Seven Lives

One more night without her. I look around the expanse of my room which enhances the loneliness of my life. I wonder how a house full of people could not fill the void that has been left by a single person - my wife, Khushi. I wonder how survive without her. I look at her photograph in the nightstand to draw some strength to sail through the night. Of course, there are her memories, reminiscing which are my favorite pass time now. I get up from the bed giving up a last effort to sleep and settle down on the poolside lounger, Khushi's favorite place. I look up at the sky, moon is high and shining. I try to find her face in it.

"You know, it is believed that when you miss someone and look in the moon, you may actually see their face" (*)

Her words from the past come to me and I smile a weary smile.

I think back to our first meeting. I had just returned from Harvard after completing my MBA. I was about to join Papa's business when Dadiji requested me to spend a few days with her in Lucknow before starting work. The morning I had arrived in Lucknow, the house was hustling with activities and I got away to the garden to relax. Gardening always has that soothing effect on me, even after so many years, it hasn't changed. After finishing the garden, I was concentrating on the plants that flanked the driveway, when I heard the gate creak open followed by a softly humming female voice. As I turned around to see the origin of the voice, I heard a yelp. I saw a girl losing her balance and about to fall, possibly after stepping on a gardening tool I had left in the way and my instincts kicked in. I quickly stopped her fall and in the process encased her in the safety of my arms. She seemed scared about the impending fall and had her eyes tightly closed giving me a moment or two to take in her features. One look at her face made me realize in an instant that the girls I have seen in all my life had to wait for another lifetime to be born with a beauty that can match hers at least by some standard. She didn't let me complete that thought, as she proved me wrong when she opened her eyes. Timeless beauty. I steadied her and felt the sudden urge to hear her voice.

"Chote, this is our neighbor Shashiji's daughter, Khushi."

Khushi.

"She has just finished her tenth class."

What? A kid. She didn't look like one, though. Stop it Arnav. She is just a small girl. Keep your hormones to yourself.

Dadiji went on and on about me. I invited her in for tea. She looked frightened and excused herself before running away. I kept staring at her retreating form, but admonished myself for thinking about a child woman, no just child.

Evening party looked glitterier with the arrival of Khushi and her family. Khushi looked ethereal in a red anarkali chudidaar. Red was certainly her color. Khushi's parents were a respectful couple who clearly dotted on their children. The pride about their son's education at IIM, Ahmedabad and a beautiful intelligent daughter was evident, rightfully too. I found myself following Khushi throughout the evening with my eyes, while her brother followed me literally. Kushal was a well mannered, intelligent guy and I would have liked him even if he was not Khushi's brother. In fact I even went ahead and expressed my interest to take him aboard AR when he was done with IIM and if he was interested. The boy was genuinely happy at the offer.

I thought that Khushi felt left alone, so I wanted to engage her in small talk, but refrained for reasons I couldn't understand. So I sent Anjali to her to give company. And that marked the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

I had come back to Delhi and to be honest, I gave my everything to work to keep me away from the thoughts of a certain beautiful looking teenage school-going girl. I deliberately over worked so that I could succumb to an exhausted sleep. And the strategy certainly worked in my favor, although fate didn't. Diwali was round the corner and dadi called up to convey her wish to spend the festival with her family. The thought of going back to Lucknow brought back memories of Khushi.

I check my phone. 12 midnight.

We arrived at Lucknow two days before Diwali. My cousins were busy finishing up some last minute work and Anjali was getting her hands hennaed. I hadn't brought any traditional wear and dadiji was not very happy about it. So I went to the big market to shop for a suitable dress. That's when I saw her, struggling to carry two heavy bags in her hands. Unable to bear the weight, she placed them on the road. My legs, without seeking my permission, carried me to her and my hands followed suit and grabbed her bags. Shopping was a forgotten cause. She looked up startled.

"Hi ! Remember me?"

She must have been shocked by my sudden appearance. She just nodded her head. I swallowed a tinge of disappointment and continued,

"I will take them. They are too heavy."

She didn't refuse help, she still didn't talk either, but walked with me.

"Anjali tells me you talk a mile a minute. But you look like you have never spoken in your life"

That did the magic. I got to hear her sweet voice.

"Oh! Nothing like that. Actually I was a little surprised at your sudden appearance. When did you come? Has Anjali come too?"

"So you can talk. Good. I came this morning. Anjali has come too. She is at home having mehendi applied to her hands. In fact she is expecting you. Shall I tell her you will meet her in the evening?"

Say yes, my heart pleaded.

"Yes"

I released my breathe I didn't know I was holding. I rejected her offer to take a rickshaw and dropped her home in my car. I thought probably she was frightened by my personality. So I decided to put her at ease and struck an easy conversation with her during the car ride, asking about her future plans, telling her about my business. She visibly relaxed in my presence much to my relief and happiness.

Festive mood settled in the house when Khushi arrived in the evening. Along with my cousins and her, Anjali and I had one of the best festivals that year. The next two days went in a blur. Khushi almost became one in the family and spent all her time with us in our home. But like all good things, this too came to an end and we returned to Delhi.

How much ever I tried, I couldn't take Khushi off my mind. I was in fact shocked with myself. It was alarming. The sane part of my mind time and again reminded me that it was foolish to think about a girl who was on the verge of womanhood, but not yet there. And I wasn't even sure of what was that I actually felt for her. Was it love? That was absurd. It must have been just attraction. And Arnav Singh Raizada would be damned if he couldn't reign control on his ridiculous hormones and over reacting heart that seemed to behave crazily and without sense. I could not imagine letting my emotions pollute an innocent mind who had every right to live and enjoy life the way a teenager should. I decided to stop this nonsense and concentrate on my work. Work was my savior and helped me recover from the high school kind of crush I was experiencing. I avoided all sorts of situations that featured Khushi like when Anjali was on the phone with her or when dadi mentioned her or her family in her telephonic conversations. But again with the matriarch of the family residing right next door to the threat for my sanity, how could I have hoped for escape?

Dadiji had one event or the other up her sleeve to pull us to Lucknow. It was her birthday in two days and I couldn't say no. I went with Anjali. I had made an official offer to Kushal which he had accepted. I learnt from him that Khushi was busy with summer coaching and preparation for the board exams. Khushi came home after lunch to spend time with Anjali. We exchanged pleasantries after which she got busy with Anjali. Major part of the day passed in chatting with my cousins and catching up with friends. During tea time I learnt from Anjali that Khushi had left hours ago.

Kushal left too after sometime only to call me saying that Khushi was not home and his parents were thinking she was with Anjali. I rushed to their home to see her father making call after call to find out she wasn't there in any of her friends place. A call to her coaching center was also met with dead end. Her mother broke into loud tears, thinking aloud about the various incidents that keep appearing in the news about missing girls and their fate and that's when I realized the seriousness of the situation. Panic set in. I pulled a clueless Kushal with me and started searching for her in all places she used to frequent.

It was almost 5 hours since she went missing. Just then her dad called me to ask if we checked the big temple and Sathvik mishtan bhandaar. It was late in the evening and not wanting to waste any further time, I asked Kushal to go the sweet shop and I went to the temple. As I raced up the stairs, my heart ran a marathon frantically praying for her well being and safety. I didn't know my prayers were so powerful. For, I saw a petite form clad in a purple salwar suit sitting against one of the pillars of the temple, lost deep in thoughts. Relief washed over my existence, but the next moment I felt rage taking over. I seethed in anger and yanked her from her seated position to me. She was stunned at my unexpected appearance. I just dragged her to my car and dumped her into the passenger seat. I pulled out my phone and informed her parents and Kushal that I had found her. I got behind the wheel and started the car. She was watching me with terrified eyes all the while and realization must have dawned.

"I am sorr..."

"You are sorry? Are you too small to not realize that you have been away without telling anyone where you were for more than 5 hours? Do you even know what your parents went through when they found you were not with Anjali? Your bhaiyya and I have been searching all over the city to find you and you are sorry? I wonder what you were thinking so deeply that none of these registered in your mind."

"I was thinking, if I should be doing fashion designing instead of CA" she told me softly.

What did she just say? Fashion designing? Where did that come from?

I braked the car hard to a screeching halt. I looked at her stunned for several moments before asking almost in a whisper.

"What? Why would you even think about that after already deciding about doing CA?"

Her eyes were shining with unshed tears and she avoided looking at me. I gently placed my hand under her chin and made her look at me.

"What is it? Why this sudden change of mind? Has Anjali got anything to do with this?"

"No its not her. Its...Its YOU"

My heart stopped beating.

"Me? What did I do?"

She started sobbing. But she talked amidst tears and sobs.

"You came into my life. You have adamantly occupied my heart and refuse to leave. You have taken over my mind. You are not allowing me to think about anything else. I...I think...I think I have fallen in love with you"

I was stupefied. Her confession knocked the air out of my lungs. How was a man supposed to survive with a heart that stopped and lungs that were devoid of air? I didn't know. I only registered the fact that she just confessed her love for me. But did she really know that she loved me? In all possibilities, she must have been experiencing her first crush, which she thought was love.

"What has this got to do with your sudden change in career choice?"

"I will get to be with you always. I don't like some Riya spending all her time with you. I want it to be me. There is no way I can, if I were to pursue CA"

Her innocence took my breathe away, again. I smiled a little smile. I released a sigh and leaned back in my seat and closed my eyes, savoring every word she uttered, childish or otherwise. All I wanted to do was take her in my arms and pour out all the love I had in my heart on her. But, I knew that wasn't the right thing to do. What was this strange feeling that was settling in my heart. I should have felt elated. I should have just jumped in joy. But I felt guilty. I suddenly felt an urgent need to protect her from the perils of such a relationship, protect her from myself, even if it meant years of waiting that may turn out to be just a wait. She must have worried sick because of my silence and started crying hard. I couldn't handle her tears. So I spoke in a soft voice.

"I am not going to judge you based on what you told me now. Love is a natural feeling. You are not a child anymore and growing into a woman, there is nothing wrong in feeling like this for someone. But you are still too young to understand this emotion. Your exposure is limited as of now and I may seem very appealing to you. However, when you will finish your school and get into college, your horizons will expand, you will make new friends, you will meet new people, you may even find someone more attractive and appealing than me..:

"I will never.." I raised my hand to stop her and continued with a heavy heart.

"Listen to me fully. Whether you like it or not, I have to tell you that you are too young to be bound by this emotion and label it as love. I am not trying to demean your feelings. I respect them. But all that I am trying to say is, don't be so burdened by this that it weighs you down to an extent where you try to compromise on your goals. You have always wanted to become a CA and now because of this, you are ready to change you career. This is not right, is it?"

"You think I am silly" she asked in a low voice. If I thought she was silly, then what would I have called myself?

"No, at the same time, I would be failing in my duty as a friend if I don't tell you that it is not wise either"

"You don't love me?!"

My heart and mind fought a little battle, but I allowed my mind to take the upper hand, since her life, career and future were at stake. I turned my heart to steel and replied to her.

"If I have to be honest, then yes, I don't. If you ask me, you don't either. You are attracted to me. Only time can tell if this feeling is temporary or long lasting. Until then, live your life like how it has to be lived, not tied down by a relationship. Chase your goal, make your parents proud. Everything else will come to you automatically."

She kept quiet and looked like she was weighing my words. Then she asked me,

"If my feelings are unchanged even after years?"

I would be the most blessed man on the face of Earth, I thought.

"We will talk about it then? Until then promise me you will not think about this evening. You will not allow any of these get in the way of your studies and your career."

"Promise"

"Good. None of these will change my equation with you. You are my friend, you will continue to be. And whatever we have talked about stays between us"

I took her to her home and refrained everyone from yelling at her for her disappearance. I could certainly not tell anyone what we discussed. I sent her mom to get her something to eat. Then I told Kushal and her dad that she wanted to study in Delhi but was worried how to bring up the topic for discussion with them and hence sat thinking about it in the temple. I impulsively suggested that Delhi was a better place for her graduate studies and CA and since Kushal and my family would also be there, there was no reason for worry regarding her safety and stay. Her dad looked convinced at the proposal. I heaved a sigh of relief at having been able to handle the situation. I reminded her to remember what I told her and left, just hoping that she wouldn't allow the emotional turbulence caused by me to come in the way of her studies.

It is 3 AM and sleep still eludes me.

A year passed by. Our business flourished and grew in leaps and bounds. Kushal proved to be a wonderful asset. His friend Aman also joined AR and soon became my right hand man. Khushi kept her promise and cracked her boards in flying colors. I couldn't wait for the day she would come to Delhi, although my mind kept telling me that she was likely to fall out of her infatuation as she grew up. She had finally arrived in Delhi, but I hadn't met her yet. I learnt from Kushal that she had joined college and was enjoying college life. I had lost count of the number of times I made an attempt to call her but dropped it not wanting to interfere in her naturally blossoming life.

I met her very rarely, when she came home to meet Anjali or came to office to meet Kushal. I maintained a respectable distance, but at the same time kept the friendship going on. I updated myself about her academic progress from Kushal. I also noticed a budding friendship between her and Aman. They met during one of the parties thrown by AR and had hit it off instantly. I also had been watching Khushi closely. She kept her distance from me, I noticed with a pang of hurt. She had either lost her interest in me or didn't want to approach me again in the fear of being told off. Either way, she was avoiding me and I had none to blame for that, other than myself.

Time flew by and before I realized it was five years since Khushi had come to Delhi. Anjali had got married in the meantime to her college senior Shyam, who worked with AR too. I was successfully putting off attempts by my parents and Dadi to get me married. Khushi had given her final CA exams and already had received lucrative offers from many finance firms and investment banks. Therefore it was a surprise when she approached me to ask if she can work with AR. There was still hope. But again my foolish mind reminded me that she was interested in AR, probably because of her brother and Aman, although a tiny part of my heart hoped that it was for me. The well wisher in me took control and I advised her to take up an offer that would help in her career growth. I assured her that AR would always be happy to receive her when she would reach a high point in her career graph. She again accepted my advice and took up an offer with a renowned UK-based investment bank in Delhi after she became a certified chartered accountant.

Life seemed to be fine until one fine morning, Aman announced to me that he was taking Khushi out for dinner to confess his love for her and propose to her. The ground beneath me slipped and I found myself feeling nothing but pain. I don't remember how I spent the rest of the day and I called it a day before I did something stupid or unfriendly towards my employees. I was known for my congeniality and didn't want to spoil my reputation.

The next morning I was brooding in my office cabin when I heard a knock. The last person I expected walked in. Khushi. I welcomed her with my usual smile. After exchanging a few words about each other's work, she spoke.

"Aman proposed for marriage yesterday"

I stiffened and felt hurt that she discussed this with me, but schooled my face before asking her,

"Great ! What did you say?"

I dreaded her answer.

"I confessed too"

My heart shattered into a million pieces. And this time I didn't take any effort to contain the brimming hollowness that was fast filling my being. Still I managed a small smile and went forward to take her in a bear hug.

"I am so hap..."

"I confessed too that I still haven't gotten over my puppy love, which also happens to be my first and only love...and I turned down his proposal."

What? Did I hear what I thought she told? She turned down the proposal. Oh my God, she turned down the proposal. Wait, did she tell that she hadn't gotten over her love? For me? I cannot recollect how exactly I reacted to her confession, but I knew I would never forget what I thought at that moment. I thought that my penance was finally rewarded with the boon, I had wanted in all of my previous births and those that were to come. I involuntarily took her into a tight, desperate and possessive hug not bothering if she was able to breathe or not.

"I Love you Khushi. I have, for a long time now"

I felt a wetness on my shirt and realized that she was crying. I looked into her eyes to see so much love and happiness at the acceptance. I gently wiped her tears and took her lips in a gentle yet firm kiss, pouring out my heart and soul into hers through it.

One year of courtship followed by our marriage was like a dream. I still remember the moments of pride when I first held our first born Arush in my hands and kissed a very tired from delivery Khushi. I recollect the tinge of disappointment when we had Ankush since she was openly and I was secretly hoping for a daughter.

I wake up with a start when the alarm in my mobile beeps, to find myself awkwardly lying on the pool lounger. It is 7 am and I am already late. I quickly leave the poolside, consciously avoid looking into the empty room, pull some clothes from the wardrobe and enter the washroom to get ready. When I come down half an hour later, Aman is already there having a cup of tea with Arush. My respect for him had increased manifold when I came to know later what role he had played in bringing us together. He is my ever-present pillar of strength through high and low, my wife's best friend and father of my to-be daughter-in-law. When Anya was born, she filled the void of a daughter in our lives. Arush is a very responsible son who is every father's dream and every mother's pride. Ankush, although a little playful, followed his brother's footsteps. Aman looks up to find my presence and gives me a bear hug. Arush, hugs me tightly before wishing me. I only give a nod and proceed to have my light early breakfast. I imagine Khushi telling me, "Just one more parantha, Arnav". I smile at the thought and finish my breakfast. Soon Aman and I wave our goodbyes to Arush and are on our way to our car. During our drive, Aman updates me about Anya's preparation, her designs, Anahita, his second daughter's preparation for the upcoming wedding of Arush and Anya. I listen to everything with a smile, leaning back in the passenger seat. He notices my silence and must have guessed, in whose thoughts I have drowned in and leaves me to my design.

Thirty years have passed by. I think back to the day when Khushi became my wife. 

"Lost in the memories of that day, soon-to-be Mrs. Raizada?" I whispered in the ears of my beautiful bride seated beside me for the wedding ritual to start. She was looking like a celestial angel, adorned in a red lehenga that I had designed with so much care. She gave me a shy smile and lowered her head again. The rituals were over, we were declared man and wife and soon after bidai, I brought her for Grihapravesh to the same entrance where I had fallen irrevocably in love with her. When I finally carried her in my arms upon Dadi's insistence and settled her in my bed, I looked her in her eyes and asked,