I see the look in your eyes and my heart constricts. I have never ever seen that look before. I want to cry but I can't. When I wanted my way with you, all I had to do was turn the tap on. I could tear up as easily as if I am peeling a sulphuric onion. And you'd melt like butter cut by a hot knife. But that look tells me it won't work this time . I am too numb. The tears just don't come. It is as if they have been frozen by the feeling of numbness that is starting from the base of my feet and hitting a crescendo in the middle of my scalp. Such a gamut of emotions.I am shocked. I am hurt. But most of all, I am scared. I look at you and I think "This man, who I first held in my arms as a new born babe, is now looking at me with hatred and anger. This man, who used to call me Amma with love and tenderness, is now spitting out the same "Amma" with dislike and irritation. There is no love there." Even when your father left me with two young children, I did not feel the desolation as I feel now. I worshipped you.
I worshipped you. You were the one steady factor in my life. My early memories were of cuddling in your arms, smelling your scents, wallowing in your warmth. I felt safe. I felt loved. I did not feel the absence of a father in my life because you were my father, my mother, my guru. My everything. No matter how tired you were or how busy, you would look at me and smile and that smile would make my heart expand with joy. And it was that smile that took me through the bad times, the hard times. And it was the inexplicable desire to keep that smile forever on your face that drove me to do the things that no decent man would do. It was the inexplicable desire to keep that smile forever on your face that I did things I did at the expense of my family.
Family. Did you forget that for the main part of your life, I was your family? It was just the three of us. You. Your baby sister. And me. Your father had abandoned me. Physically. Mentally. Spiritually. I had to struggle. Society does not look kindly on a single mother - if the husband dies before the wife, it is her fault. The man is faultless. He could be alcoholic, a wife beater, a womanizer, an adulterer. But that is all okay because hey, he is a man. He is an alcoholic because his wife drove him to drink. He is a wife beater because the wife asked for it. He is a womaniser because his wife refuses to satisfy his needs. He is an adulterer because he is too kind to kick his wife out even though she does not act as a wife and he has no choice but to seek his comforts and pleasures elsewhere. He is a man. I am a woman. He has feelings. I don't. He has self-respect. I don't. He has pride. I don't. But you know what helped me to deal with the dislike, the contempt, the snide comments? My children. My daughter. My son.
Any man would be proud of having two sons. It is a sign of their masculinity, their manhood. Strangely, I never felt that way. At first. When both of them were born, I gave a sigh of relief that at least one of them will carry on with my business dynasty. I was out working, conniving, networking, manipulating, cheating. Yes, cheating. Anything and everything to ensure that I was the King of the World and one of my sons would sit in the throne once I am gone. I now realise that it does not matter - all this wealth and success. When the ones who are supposed to look up to you look down at you, you feel as if your heart has been wrenched out of your heart. It is not worth it. My Surya. So named after the Sun God. But he turned out to be a soft lad. Nothing wrong with that. A soft lad who is kind, loving and highly-principled. Like his mother. Then my Gautham. Strong, bold, aggressive, emotional. But that tough exterior hides a soft heart. Loyal, brave, loving. Just like his mother. His mother. My wife. My life.
My life went asunder when he walked out of the door. He packed his bags and left. Just like that. Oh, he'd send me money every month and he would come back to see both of you. I refused to let him come in and finally I told him categorically that I did not want him to see both of you or have contact with you. Oh, he does not want me but he wants my children?? And if he loved you both so much, why did he have to have another son by that harlot? I couldn't get over how he forgot the prayers, the saptapadi, the agnipradakshinam. We took seven steps as we walked around the fire, with him holding my hand and leading, uttering seven sacred vows. I felt so protected and overwhelmed then...my small hand being held firmly and warmly by this big manly one.
Step one - sacred vow one - ekamie viustv anvetu. Let us both create, secure and enjoy all the things and comforts related to the physical body like food, clothing, shelter and other wealth needed for the physical body .
Hah. I made sure that all his physical needs were fulfilled. Didn't we get two healthy children? Didn't we enjoy all that and much more? In what way did I neglect my duties as his wife? I may have nagged him a bit and questioned his movements. I may have gotten angry with him sometimes. But I was perfectly entitled to do so. He was handsome, wealthy, kind and generous. I had to make sure that no one, whether man or woman, took advantage of him. I had to protect him. To protect you. To protect me. But he still broke my heart.
Somewhere in my desire to win anything and everything at all costs. I forgot the vows, the prayers, the the saptapadi, the agnipradakshinam. We uttered seven oaths as we took seven steps around the sacred fire. I remember feeling proud, happy, excited. The warmth and strength in her hand as it was ensconced in mine. Confident and reassuring. I was the luckiest man in the world - that this smart, highly-intelligent, resilient and loving woman isbecoming my wife.
Step one -sacred vow one - ekamie viustv anvetu - Let us both create, secure and enjoy all the things and comforts related to the physical body like food, clothing, shelter and other wealth needed for the physical body.
We were. We did. But I must be honest. It was she who carried the lion share. My lioness. Hahaha. She was carrying out her own duties and responsibilities and she still looked after me, our children, looking after the needs of everyone, her sister, my sister...her family, my family. But she never made me feel insecure or inferior. But somehow along the way, I began to resent her. And that resentment grew and festered. So all the physical comforts were there. But not the spiritual and emotional ones.
Step two - sacred vow two - dve rje viustv anvetu - Let us join together without ego.
Ego? What ego? I never had any ego. If at times I did not bend to his requests, it was because I knew what was best for him. That was not ego, that was actually being thoughtful. On the contrary, it was his ego that made him walk out because I was not the submissive, pliable wife he wanted me to be.
Step two - sacred vow two - dve rje viustv anvetu - Let us join together without ego.
I couldn't help it. After being spoilt rotten by you and Jyothi, it was hard to take a backseat to a woman. She was egoistical too, so determined and hell bent on doing things her way, without consulting me. Finally I accepted that that my role was reduced to providing sustenance for the family and I just started focusing on my business more. I was the master and in control. No one questioned me or challenged me. If I say "Jump", they will ask "How high?". If I said to Vani "Jump", she'll ask "Why?". It used to irritate me. But now I realize that it is one of her strong characteristics. She is not sheep to follow blindly. She is a lioness. My lioness.
Step three - sacred vow three - tri vratya viustv anvetu - I will not force myself upon the other at the physical or mental level when the other does not prefer it.
I didn't but I can't say the same for him. I mean, we already had two children. What was the need for those things? And yet he'd come to me at night - sometimes even during the day. Ugh. And still he forced himself upon me.
Step three - sacred
vow three - tri vratya
viustv anvetu -
I will not force myself upon the other at the physical or mental
level when the other does not prefer it.
We never had to. I really appreciate that part of her now.
Step four - sacred oath four - catvri myo bhavya viustv anvetu. I (the man) will help the woman overcome the illusions she holds in the form of her fear and insecurity. I (the woman) will help the man overcome the illusions he holds in the form of lust.
I failed on this one. He had no problem at all. I wasn't fearful and neither was I insecure. They didn't name me Angayarkanni for nothing. The only time I felt fear, and that too for all of the better part of an hour, was when he left me and I did not know what to do or how to face the future. Then you pulled my saree, my son, and I saw you looking fearful and unhappy. I was determined there and then that my life is for you and I will never let fear restrain me from providing you with the best. And I did provide you with the best.
Step four - sacred oath four - catvri myo bhavya viustv anvetu. I (the man) will help the woman overcome the illusions she holds in the form of her fear and insecurity. I (the woman) will help the man overcome the illusions he holds in the form of lust.
My lioness. Fearful? Insecure? Hahaha. Never. Wasn't she the one who pulled her sister and ran for their lives from the child kidnappers? At a tender age of 9 or 10? No, nothing fazes her. So I had no duty at all to help her overcome something that wasn't there. Lust was never central part of our lives but she never failed her duties. I shouldn't be telling you all this but you should know that after you, this was the woman who made your son happy. My ego refused to acknowledge that.
Step five - sacred oath five - paca paubhya viustv anvetu. Let us look after our ancestors and elders who are alive...
I looked after his parents as my own. But after a little while they became demanding and unreasonable. His mother was the mother-in-law from hell and expected me to do everything for them. Was it my fault that they decided to leave and go to an ashram? How peaceful the house was after they left. And he did not realise it. When he left, I said to everyone "Let him follow his useless parents". That was how angry I was.
Step five - sacred oath five - paca paubhya viustv anvetu. Let us look after our ancestors and elders who are alive...
She looked after you, Amma.
Step six - sacred vow six- atubhya viustv anvetu. Let us support and strengthen each other in all moods and in all seasons, in all situations, at all times and spaces, not only when one of us is weak or in low mood, but let us share when we feel strong or when we are in high mood as well.
The more I think about this, the more angry I get. Why do people make vows if they have no intention of keeping them. There was no sharing, just take, take, take and then when there was nothing left, abandon.
Step six - sacred vow six- atubhya viustv anvetu. Let us support and strengthen each other in all moods and in all seasons, in all situations, at all times and spaces, not only when one of us is weak or in low mood, but let us share when we feel strong or when we are in high mood as well.
We used to be like that when we were a middle-class family. We were united and we shared all sorrows as much as we shared our happiness. It was only when we became successful in our careers we drifted apart. I did not help things further when you came back and I listened to you all the time, letting your insidious whispers get to me.
Step seven - sacred oath seven - saptasaptabhya hotrbhya viustv anvetu . We promise to follow all that is covered here and all that is not covered here as well. There could be many things that may not have been included in the previous promises. So this promise covers all those that have not been covered in any of the previous promises.
So fidelity, trust, loyalty are all covered, right? What was going through his head when he decided to walk off into the arms of that Madhavi? Only he wasn't Kovalan. He did not come back. And how many times I wished I was Kannagi. I would have burnt the city over and over again. No mercy. No remorse.
Step seven - sacred oath seven - saptasaptabhya hotrbhya viustv anvetu . We promise to follow all that is covered here and all that is not covered here as well. There could be many things that may not have been included in the previous promises. So this promise covers all those that have not been covered in any of the previous promises.
I neglected all the other six vows, Amma, why should I observe this one? On hindsight, I am embarrassed. No wonder my boys hated me and Vani was aloof with me. The only people who cared for me and respected me were Rani and Swami. Look how I treated them. No justification. No excuse.
When the seven steps are over. the husband has to call his wife "sakhe" meaning "Oh my friend". Sakhyau saptapad bhabhva
He called me his friend. He did not treat me as one.
When the seven steps are over. the husband has to call his wife "sakhe" meaning "Oh my friend". Sakhyau saptapad bhabhva
I called her my friend. I did not treat her as one.
I sacrificed a lot for you, Bhoomi. But I know now that too much love can kill you. I am sorry, but I cannot do this anymore.
I sacrificed a lot for you, Amma. But I know now that too much love can kill you. I am sorry, but I cannot do this anymore...
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