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Qubool Hai

The Yummy Mummy's of QH: Topic Six 01.07.14 - Pg 82 (Page 76)

BeYourself IF-Sizzlerz

Joined: 24 November 2013
Posts: 23370

Posted: 11 June 2014 at 7:18am | IP Logged
Originally posted by vinita459

Originally posted by BeYourself

Originally posted by vinita459

Originally posted by BeYourself

So many of you have shared your personal experiences, so i thought of doing mine too...it isn't anything about me, but about one of my cousins...

We are from a non conservative family, yet my sister chose to have an arranged marriage coz love didn't happen to her... But she got married to the person whom she knew since many years and was chosen by her parents...

They got married and had their best time in their 2 months long honeymoon in abroad...

They came back and my sister found out about her husband's affair when she was trying her best to get used to her new lifestyle...

She didn't act like a typical wife,instead, she chose to question him directly...
and he, like a 'satyapujari', agreed that he was having an affair...

it was just 2 and a half months to their marriage when my sister got that blow...

she found out that he was attracted to this girl since before their marriage, but it all kick started after they were back from honeymoon..

she decided to talk about it with her in laws... guess what they said: "aaj kal ke ladke aisa karte hai.. thoda adjust kar lo"

my sister is 'aaj kal ki ladki' too...but this type of cheating in marriages has nothing to do with 'aaj' or 'kal'... time might have changed, but the things on which marriages are based on didn't!!!

she still decided to go for a second chance..she didn't shout, didn't over react... she asked him to break all his ties with that woman..but he was not ready to do that...
so the option of second chance did not exist anymore..

she asked him to say the truth... she asked him if he could ever be faithful to their marriage.. he said he was faithful even now..he has no plans to leave my sister..but he can't leave that woman too...
in marriages speaking the truth is important...here, he did speak the truth...

she still had hope... she asked him if those 2 months had any importance to him or not.. he said they were the loveliest days of his life till now.. my sister had more hope then...she again went back to the second chance thing... but his answer did not change...

trust me, if he would have agreed to give this a change again, she would have happily forgiven him.. and it would be easier too as the newness in their marriage was her best weapon...

she called up her dad when her repetitive efforts were a constant failure..the jerk was ready for a divorce, as he claimed that it was for my sister's happiness...
she didn't say anything more.. and just left...

those two months were supposed to be the best days of her life too... she was already in love with him, and thought that he was too, which he never denied by the way...

she was mentally, emotionally and physically attached to him..and now she feels like she was nothing more than a commodity in his life...

where was her fault in all this?? her husband was honest to her but honesty didn't come into play when it was about their sacred bond... he did accept that he was cheating on her...but did that help her in any way?? may be yes.. she doesn't believe in marriages any more... she is the only child of her parents... and her parents feel extremely guilty for ruining her life, which i believe was not their fault...

so ya... sometimes infidelity in marriages can break your partner beyond repair...it's harmless if it is only attraction...

so why did he get married?? because of the dowry that he would get in the wedding?? No... there was no dowry thing.. we are strictly against it...
then why did he do this?? his answer is still the same: No Answer at all!!!!

bloody *beep beep* jerk!!

This is a real sad story Cry
I am feeling so bad for your cousin ... What did that jacka** get out this?
Why did he ruin her life.
These stupid guys ... can't open their mouth in front of their parents and get marry under pressure.
I am sure his parents must be aware of his affair already Angry

I hope your cousin find someone who loves her dearly and once again make her believe in the sacred bond of marriage.

The situation completely implies that his parents definitely knew about it...
but just imagine their reaction to all this!!!

we still don't know what did he get from all this?
and there is no point in finding it out too..

my sister didn't beg in front of him and neither did she take alimony...

she is trying to start her new life again..
but people you know... they have nothing to do with us, yet they still point out that she must have been at fault somewhere...
otherwise why would a guy do such a thing just after 2 months of their marriage???

and now, she is hell determined to not get married again...she doesn't believe in marriages now...why would she?? life did nothing to make her believe in it...

so here it is... only she is the sufferer in all this!!!

I know exactly what do you mean :(
You can't stop people from talking.
And it makes it more hard.
If the marriage didn't work ...it must be girl's fault ...no one blames the guy Angry
Don'y you just hate this hypocrite society Angry

she had to come across many hurtful questions that even disgraced her dignity!!

that's how our society is!!!

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rajsmi Goldie

Joined: 19 June 2013
Posts: 1272

Posted: 11 June 2014 at 9:42pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by Perfectionist2

Originally posted by rajsmi

Originally posted by Perfectionist2

I have read everyone's dollar and cents worth of input.
I have to say I have seen people cheat and remain unhappy in a marriage, I have friend with an open marriage who is unhappy with the relationship and insecure.
I have seen people committed in a marriage and still unhappy.
My Verdict - Marriage = Unhappiness.
Don't get married.
Easy said than done. Well my ship has sailed and I am married.
It might be easy to say I would never forgive infidelity. Being true and honest and committed to spouse is the ultimatum. There can't be IF's and If there has to be a BUT, it will be my foot on his butt. 
But see I can bet my BUTT that "HE" won't cheat. Doesn't have balls to.
He says I have set a bad example for all woman in general. Seriously how lazy is he.
Ok in all seriousness. I cheated once...
I was 24. Hubby was away overseas on a project. There was this guy in my Bangalore office who liked me. I lived in a different state so there was no meeting in person. He knew I was married and he still told me things like if you divorce I will marry you and shower me with compliments and flirt.
I felt great. Adrenalin rush. I felt special and important. Something I missed from my hubby then.
I flirted back. We exchanged emails. I wasn't going to break my marriage, I didn't love this guy, I still loved my husband. What was I thinking, I wasn't thinking but this was a good time pass till my man got home.
I decided to keep these details to myself and not get hubby involved. 
Hubby came back home after 6 months. Saw the emails one day and asked me only once what this is.
I replied It was harmless flirting. End of discussion.
Hubby never asked me anything else. He is this talks less, serious kinds. He treated me normally as if he knew I would never betray him. I began thinking if I would be ok if he flirted with his colleagues. And the answer was no. I was extremely grateful that hubby didn't make a fuss about this but I would have blown my top off if he did anything remotely similar.
I never spoke to that guy again. He called a few times and I told him I am busy. He got my point. 2 months later I switched jobs.
So did I cheat. I knew where this was going. I wanted the attention.
It wasn't physical or emotional cheating. But it was immoral.
I am glad hubby knew I loved him, he was mature and secure enough. And I don't think I can even think of cheating. But I got carried away momentarily and why one decides to cheat is still unclear.
If a marriage is dead there is no point in reviving it. IT is bound to remain lifeless.
I tell this to my husband every day. If he falls in love again, he should let me know and I will set him free.
Cheating is complicated. Some men/women are just dogs and bitches. To some it is where the needs of body meets the emotional security.
Often in a very happily married couple cheating begins because they have grown apart. They stopped making that effort to please one another. Taking each other for granted.
Marriage is a constant work in progress. Forever and Happily Ever After only exists in the FFs we write,In reality Forever involved a lot of headaches, fights and struggled understanding.
It also involves forgiveness which may not necessarily limit to just cheating.
I forgive him everyday for things big and small, for being this quiet, calm and seriously boring lazy man. And He forgives me for being a pain that he is committed to for the rest of his life.
Ok Am I drifting from the topic... If his Trunk was in some other junk I would chop it off.

Thank you for being so honest...to us and more imp- to your hubby! Yes, marriage is a work in progress, every moment of it. Once its taken for granted, it starts losing its charm and one may stray...physically, emotionally, morally! But, do you think what happened to you was perhaps a wake up call for you two to work harder at the relation?

I agree with what you said about being set free if love is somewhere else. No point in being bound in something thats not true...
That incident did nothing to make or break my marriage.
I was not going to leave my husband even when I was chatting with this dude.
This Dude knew I loved my hubby and I was not going to divorce him.
But Even when I dated my husband he was this reserved guy, he never noticed what the shape of eyes looked like, or he never sang " You are beautiful."
This guy did, it made me feel important and wanted.
Seriously I think I was missing my workaholic hubby. We hardly spoke to one another because of different time zones. Once hubby came back life again began revolving around hubby darling. I got what I missed so much.
That incident stands forgotten, I bet my hubby wont even remember that. I never even said sorry to my hubby for it. I don't know if that is just harmless flirting or would it constitute cheating.
The reason I mentioned that was Cheating is complex, you never know what initiates it. But you can rectify in time if you remember the better, more important things in life.
Thank God, My hubby was not the insecure kinds, He knew too well what he meant for me. He termed it as harmless flirting. He read the three emails that sat in my inbox. I think I wanted him to know I still have people who find me sexy and intelligent so he better value what he has. It could have gone bad too. But touchwood it didn't.
If he did something along those lines I would react differently. I can be insecure.
But who was responsible for that. Who was at fault.

Rather late to reply but I thought of doing it anyway...Happy to know that all is well :-)
I can relate to the quiet, reserved hubby "kinds"...Mine is the same! But it doesn't mean that they dont feel. They may not be the romantic kinds that are written about ...they are the more intense kind and are very secure in their feelings.

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farz_parachute IF-Rockerz

Joined: 29 April 2013
Posts: 8345

Posted: 14 June 2014 at 6:15am | IP Logged

Why are you Mummys so qoyettt!

okay bye.


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Gulaabo IF-Sizzlerz

Joined: 18 June 2011
Posts: 14753

Posted: 14 June 2014 at 6:37am | IP Logged
infidelity...hmm...a serious topic...
i don't think i am yet able to comment anything upon it...
but still i can say that it's unforgivable...even if somehow the unfidel partner gets a secomd chance,,,,the suspicion or maybe the brunt of his/her betrayal remains there...forever!!

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farz_parachute IF-Rockerz

Joined: 29 April 2013
Posts: 8345

Posted: 15 June 2014 at 9:37am | IP Logged
22 minutes to Monday here.

New topic coming soon!

I so badly want something interesting *that I'm interested in* and not something else *where I can't strut my stuff Haha*

But but but.

I cannot come here.

This place is addictive.

So very very.

And exams! So yeah.

I want it. But I don't want it. *I so want it!!!!*

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Tamara27 IF-Rockerz

Joined: 08 June 2013
Posts: 4640

Posted: 15 June 2014 at 1:13pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by farz_parachute

22 minutes to Monday here.

New topic coming soon!

I so badly want something interesting *that I'm interested in* and not something else *where I can't strut my stuff Haha*

But but but.

I cannot come here.

This place is addictive.

So very very.

And exams! So yeah.

I want it. But I don't want it. *I so want it!!!!*

It's only just past 21h00 here...

Farz, you're so right. This place is addictive.

But once I gave my 2/5c worth earlier in the week, I did manage to stay off.

Let's see what the next topic is... LOL

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Saima-Syed IF-Sizzlerz

Joined: 05 November 2012
Posts: 17911

Posted: 15 June 2014 at 5:49pm | IP Logged
The Dowry System

We live in the 21st century...or do we?

We live in a world that screams out equality and stands up protesting against violence towards women...is that really true?

Thousands of families across the world, many from under privileged look upon their baby girls as a burden...why?

I once asked my cousin why do you people always raise an eyebrow when a baby girl is born, is she not a blessing, should you not just be thankful that at least you have a child.

Her reply

It is not because she is a a girl or she is not a blessing, it's because one day she will leave to be someone else's and in a culture where you are expected to lower you heads and bow down as no parent will ever want to see their daughter suffer

Suffer...Why suffer?

Why lower your heads...just because you are the parent of a daughter.

The dowry system is deep rooted and has been embedded in Asian culture for centuries. Dowry has become a prerequisite for any marriage, it doesn't matter what class you come from what cultural values you hold or what God you bow down to. Everyone seems to be drawn into a system that should have been outlawed years ago. In some places it may have been but who is there to monitor or watch over...I doubt anyone.

Personally I think it's an act of evil, parents start saving money or putting things aside for their daughters from the time they are born. I talk from experience, my own mother gave me a dinner set that she bought before I even knew how to walk, I still have it, I am so scared to use it just in case I break it. I know the struggles my patents went through and to think at a time like that she brought me a dinner set for my wedding. My mum have me everything when I got married, a brand new tv, bedroom furniture, kitchen machinery, gold jewellery, you name it I had it...but I got married in Pakistan. I asked my mum, did they ask you for all this? She said 'no, but isn't it better to give without being asked...and it's for you'. I lived in Pakistan for 4 weeks after I got married...so who was it really for? 'Its how things work here Saima, it's ok...' Actually mum, no it's not ok. You practice something because it's how things work?

What angered me even further was when a few days later women from their neighbourhood came to see me went on to directly ask what my parents had given in Dahej. And luckily my in-laws had enough to proudly show off. 

I am not saying parents shouldn't buy their daughters gifts, every parent wants to see their daughter living comfortably, what I am saying is that the practice of families actively asking for money or luxury goods should stop. it is not uncommon for women to be subjected to abuse because her family have not given enough rupees or gold coins or cars...the list is never ending and so is the abuse inflicted on young girls.

The dowry system should not be condoned nor encourage and never contributed to. I have seen one too many documentaries based on women from the Asian sub continent who have been killed, tortured physically and emotionally or simply dumped because of the lack of dowry provided. Is man really that greedy, what I don't understand is that how anyone who has a daughter of their own be so evil, so hurtful to someone else's daughter.

I am a Muslim and the giving of Dowry is forbidden, am sure other religions must have similar beliefs. Why practice something that is not part of your religious belief, I am a mother of a daughter and know that I will definitely be educating her, supporting her to become strong and independent and stand against evil that is subjected to our women in any form or shape.

Come on you all, please stand up and say no to this evil, say no to the dowry system because of which young women suffer, underprivileged families suffer. 

Money does not make the world go round, love, peace and happiness does.

Please respects everyone's personal opinions, for further rules refer to page 1.

Edited by Saima-Syed - 15 June 2014 at 5:58pm

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BeYourself IF-Sizzlerz

Joined: 24 November 2013
Posts: 23370

Posted: 15 June 2014 at 10:04pm | IP Logged
Once again...another brilliant topic!!!! 

DOWRY... i believe is the beginning of different problems that comes in any marriage...and often gives rise to problems after the marriage...

if a girl's family is unable to meet the demands of the groom's family, the bride is insulted and then Domestic Violence comes into action!!!  

again... if the woman fails to give them a son, then the things get worse... they start saving money for the new born daughter's wedding.. or, the woman is just thrown out of the house along with her daughter...

it's difficult to say, where the root exactly lies... i believe it's in a person's brain!!!
it's difficult to cut out the root from the minds of millions and millions of people!!!!

i was in my second year of college... and we were asked to make a presentation on any non-technical topic...

i chose 'Crimes against Women', which i believe is something that needs our attention...

i mentioned several topics like Female Foeticide, Child Marriage, Domestic Violence and definitely DOWRY of course!!!! 

i mentioned several incidents related to it...where the girls were even tortured to death...

i was going fine with the presentation... but then i noticed some changes in some boys... they were going restless and some of them just shook their heads...

i got a round of applause from 70% people of the hall, but 10% just looked up with a half-hearted smile and the rest 20% people just looked away..and their faces clearly said that they didn't agree to it!!! they were also ready to create a chaos in the middle of the presentation!!

our mentor asked them what was the problem about... THEY DISAGREED TO WHATEVER I SAID!!!!

on asking them their POV, one guy said :" ladki ko layenge, itne din rakhenge, khilayenge, pilayenge, toh uske maa baap se paisa nahi lenge kya??"
(not mentioning his religion/culture/state)

i was left shocked!!! Being this new generation, who are all set to get married in the next 4-5 years were having such mentality!!!

they have inherited it from their family tradition! and they are still not able to come out of it...

another instance,

my friend is getting married in two months...
we had always discussed about these things and had also decided to not give in to the demands of our future in laws, if they have any...

my friend is having an arranged marriage, and her in laws demanded Nothing!!!
yet, her parents are taking a loan of a HUGE amount... 

i asked her the reason for it...

she said-- we have to do it... even if they are not asking for it...

and that's true again... the groom's family is not asking for anything directly.. but they have expectations, which are quite HIGH!!!!! 

my question is, where did her resolve go now???

where did those thoughts vanish now, which were against the culture of Dowry even a year ago???

it's the responsibility of the younger generation to say NO to it.. and parents should also be well aware of the fact that, if once they give in, their daughter might get the love for a day or two... but in this way they are just fanning their demands..!!

the solution lies within US...  we were the ones to start this, and we can only stop it...

in well cultured families, no direct Dowry demands takes place, but all of this still happens in the name of the daughter's happiness...

Edited by BeYourself - 15 June 2014 at 10:12pm

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