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The Yummy Mummy's of QH: Topic Six 01.07.14 - Pg 82 (Page 73)

Perfectionist2 IF-Dazzler
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Posted: 09 June 2014 at 8:43pm | IP Logged
I have read everyone's dollar and cents worth of input.
 
I have to say I have seen people cheat and remain unhappy in a marriage, I have friend with an open marriage who is unhappy with the relationship and insecure.
I have seen people committed in a marriage and still unhappy.
 
My Verdict - Marriage = Unhappiness.
 
Don't get married.
 
Easy said than done. Well my ship has sailed and I am married.
It might be easy to say I would never forgive infidelity. Being true and honest and committed to spouse is the ultimatum. There can't be IF's and If there has to be a BUT, it will be my foot on his butt. 
 
But see I can bet my BUTT that "HE" won't cheat. Doesn't have balls to.
He says I have set a bad example for all woman in general. Seriously how lazy is he.
 
 
Ok in all seriousness. I cheated once...
 
I was 24. Hubby was away overseas on a project. There was this guy in my Bangalore office who liked me. I lived in a different state so there was no meeting in person. He knew I was married and he still told me things like if you divorce I will marry you and shower me with compliments and flirt.
 
I felt great. Adrenalin rush. I felt special and important. Something I missed from my hubby then.
I flirted back. We exchanged emails. I wasn't going to break my marriage, I didn't love this guy, I still loved my husband. What was I thinking, I wasn't thinking but this was a good time pass till my man got home.
 
I decided to keep these details to myself and not get hubby involved. 
Hubby came back home after 6 months. Saw the emails one day and asked me only once what this is.
I replied It was harmless flirting. End of discussion.
Hubby never asked me anything else. He is this talks less, serious kinds. He treated me normally as if he knew I would never betray him. I began thinking if I would be ok if he flirted with his colleagues. And the answer was no. I was extremely grateful that hubby didn't make a fuss about this but I would have blown my top off if he did anything remotely similar.
I never spoke to that guy again. He called a few times and I told him I am busy. He got my point. 2 months later I switched jobs.
 
So did I cheat. I knew where this was going. I wanted the attention.
 
It wasn't physical or emotional cheating. But it was immoral.
 
I am glad hubby knew I loved him, he was mature and secure enough. And I don't think I can even think of cheating. But I got carried away momentarily and why one decides to cheat is still unclear.
 
If a marriage is dead there is no point in reviving it. IT is bound to remain lifeless.
I tell this to my husband every day. If he falls in love again, he should let me know and I will set him free.
 
Cheating is complicated. Some men/women are just dogs and bitches. To some it is where the needs of body meets the emotional security.
 
Often in a very happily married couple cheating begins because they have grown apart. They stopped making that effort to please one another. Taking each other for granted.
 
Marriage is a constant work in progress. Forever and Happily Ever After only exists in the FFs we write,In reality Forever involved a lot of headaches, fights and struggled understanding.
It also involves forgiveness which may not necessarily limit to just cheating.
 
I forgive him everyday for things big and small, for being this quiet, calm and seriously boring lazy man. And He forgives me for being a pain that he is committed to for the rest of his life.
 
Ok Am I drifting from the topic... If his Trunk was in some other junk I would chop it off.


Edited by Perfectionist2 - 09 June 2014 at 8:44pm

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Posted: 09 June 2014 at 9:33pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by Perfectionist2

I have read everyone's dollar and cents worth of input.
 
I have to say I have seen people cheat and remain unhappy in a marriage, I have friend with an open marriage who is unhappy with the relationship and insecure.
I have seen people committed in a marriage and still unhappy.
 
My Verdict - Marriage = Unhappiness.
 
Don't get married.
 
Easy said than done. Well my ship has sailed and I am married.
It might be easy to say I would never forgive infidelity. Being true and honest and committed to spouse is the ultimatum. There can't be IF's and If there has to be a BUT, it will be my foot on his butt. 
 
But see I can bet my BUTT that "HE" won't cheat. Doesn't have balls to.
He says I have set a bad example for all woman in general. Seriously how lazy is he.
 
 
Ok in all seriousness. I cheated once...
 
I was 24. Hubby was away overseas on a project. There was this guy in my Bangalore office who liked me. I lived in a different state so there was no meeting in person. He knew I was married and he still told me things like if you divorce I will marry you and shower me with compliments and flirt.
 
I felt great. Adrenalin rush. I felt special and important. Something I missed from my hubby then.
I flirted back. We exchanged emails. I wasn't going to break my marriage, I didn't love this guy, I still loved my husband. What was I thinking, I wasn't thinking but this was a good time pass till my man got home.
 
I decided to keep these details to myself and not get hubby involved. 
Hubby came back home after 6 months. Saw the emails one day and asked me only once what this is.
I replied It was harmless flirting. End of discussion.
Hubby never asked me anything else. He is this talks less, serious kinds. He treated me normally as if he knew I would never betray him. I began thinking if I would be ok if he flirted with his colleagues. And the answer was no. I was extremely grateful that hubby didn't make a fuss about this but I would have blown my top off if he did anything remotely similar.
I never spoke to that guy again. He called a few times and I told him I am busy. He got my point. 2 months later I switched jobs.
 
So did I cheat. I knew where this was going. I wanted the attention.
 
It wasn't physical or emotional cheating. But it was immoral.
 
I am glad hubby knew I loved him, he was mature and secure enough. And I don't think I can even think of cheating. But I got carried away momentarily and why one decides to cheat is still unclear.
 
If a marriage is dead there is no point in reviving it. IT is bound to remain lifeless.
I tell this to my husband every day. If he falls in love again, he should let me know and I will set him free.
 
Cheating is complicated. Some men/women are just dogs and bitches. To some it is where the needs of body meets the emotional security.
 
Often in a very happily married couple cheating begins because they have grown apart. They stopped making that effort to please one another. Taking each other for granted.
 
Marriage is a constant work in progress. Forever and Happily Ever After only exists in the FFs we write,In reality Forever involved a lot of headaches, fights and struggled understanding.
It also involves forgiveness which may not necessarily limit to just cheating.
 
I forgive him everyday for things big and small, for being this quiet, calm and seriously boring lazy man. And He forgives me for being a pain that he is committed to for the rest of his life.
 
Ok Am I drifting from the topic... If his Trunk was in some other junk I would chop it off.

Thank you for being so honest...to us and more imp- to your hubby! Yes, marriage is a work in progress, every moment of it. Once its taken for granted, it starts losing its charm and one may stray...physically, emotionally, morally! But, do you think what happened to you was perhaps a wake up call for you two to work harder at the relation?

I agree with what you said about being set free if love is somewhere else. No point in being bound in something thats not true...

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Posted: 09 June 2014 at 10:18pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by rajsmi

Originally posted by Perfectionist2

I have read everyone's dollar and cents worth of input.
 
I have to say I have seen people cheat and remain unhappy in a marriage, I have friend with an open marriage who is unhappy with the relationship and insecure.
I have seen people committed in a marriage and still unhappy.
 
My Verdict - Marriage = Unhappiness.
 
Don't get married.
 
Easy said than done. Well my ship has sailed and I am married.
It might be easy to say I would never forgive infidelity. Being true and honest and committed to spouse is the ultimatum. There can't be IF's and If there has to be a BUT, it will be my foot on his butt. 
 
But see I can bet my BUTT that "HE" won't cheat. Doesn't have balls to.
He says I have set a bad example for all woman in general. Seriously how lazy is he.
 
 
Ok in all seriousness. I cheated once...
 
I was 24. Hubby was away overseas on a project. There was this guy in my Bangalore office who liked me. I lived in a different state so there was no meeting in person. He knew I was married and he still told me things like if you divorce I will marry you and shower me with compliments and flirt.
 
I felt great. Adrenalin rush. I felt special and important. Something I missed from my hubby then.
I flirted back. We exchanged emails. I wasn't going to break my marriage, I didn't love this guy, I still loved my husband. What was I thinking, I wasn't thinking but this was a good time pass till my man got home.
 
I decided to keep these details to myself and not get hubby involved. 
Hubby came back home after 6 months. Saw the emails one day and asked me only once what this is.
I replied It was harmless flirting. End of discussion.
Hubby never asked me anything else. He is this talks less, serious kinds. He treated me normally as if he knew I would never betray him. I began thinking if I would be ok if he flirted with his colleagues. And the answer was no. I was extremely grateful that hubby didn't make a fuss about this but I would have blown my top off if he did anything remotely similar.
I never spoke to that guy again. He called a few times and I told him I am busy. He got my point. 2 months later I switched jobs.
 
So did I cheat. I knew where this was going. I wanted the attention.
 
It wasn't physical or emotional cheating. But it was immoral.
 
I am glad hubby knew I loved him, he was mature and secure enough. And I don't think I can even think of cheating. But I got carried away momentarily and why one decides to cheat is still unclear.
 
If a marriage is dead there is no point in reviving it. IT is bound to remain lifeless.
I tell this to my husband every day. If he falls in love again, he should let me know and I will set him free.
 
Cheating is complicated. Some men/women are just dogs and bitches. To some it is where the needs of body meets the emotional security.
 
Often in a very happily married couple cheating begins because they have grown apart. They stopped making that effort to please one another. Taking each other for granted.
 
Marriage is a constant work in progress. Forever and Happily Ever After only exists in the FFs we write,In reality Forever involved a lot of headaches, fights and struggled understanding.
It also involves forgiveness which may not necessarily limit to just cheating.
 
I forgive him everyday for things big and small, for being this quiet, calm and seriously boring lazy man. And He forgives me for being a pain that he is committed to for the rest of his life.
 
Ok Am I drifting from the topic... If his Trunk was in some other junk I would chop it off.

Thank you for being so honest...to us and more imp- to your hubby! Yes, marriage is a work in progress, every moment of it. Once its taken for granted, it starts losing its charm and one may stray...physically, emotionally, morally! But, do you think what happened to you was perhaps a wake up call for you two to work harder at the relation?

I agree with what you said about being set free if love is somewhere else. No point in being bound in something thats not true...
Rajsm,
 
That incident did nothing to make or break my marriage.
I was not going to leave my husband even when I was chatting with this dude.
This Dude knew I loved my hubby and I was not going to divorce him.
 
But Even when I dated my husband he was this reserved guy, he never noticed what the shape of eyes looked like, or he never sang " You are beautiful."
 
This guy did, it made me feel important and wanted.
 
Seriously I think I was missing my workaholic hubby. We hardly spoke to one another because of different time zones. Once hubby came back life again began revolving around hubby darling. I got what I missed so much.
 
That incident stands forgotten, I bet my hubby wont even remember that. I never even said sorry to my hubby for it. I don't know if that is just harmless flirting or would it constitute cheating.
 
The reason I mentioned that was Cheating is complex, you never know what initiates it. But you can rectify in time if you remember the better, more important things in life.
 
Thank God, My hubby was not the insecure kinds, He knew too well what he meant for me. He termed it as harmless flirting. He read the three emails that sat in my inbox. I think I wanted him to know I still have people who find me sexy and intelligent so he better value what he has. It could have gone bad too. But touchwood it didn't.
If he did something along those lines I would react differently. I can be insecure.
 
But who was responsible for that. Who was at fault.

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Posted: 09 June 2014 at 10:48pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by Perfectionist2

I have read everyone's dollar and cents worth of input.
 
I have to say I have seen people cheat and remain unhappy in a marriage, I have friend with an open marriage who is unhappy with the relationship and insecure.
I have seen people committed in a marriage and still unhappy.
 
My Verdict - Marriage = Unhappiness.
 
Don't get married.
 
Easy said than done. Well my ship has sailed and I am married.
It might be easy to say I would never forgive infidelity. Being true and honest and committed to spouse is the ultimatum. There can't be IF's and If there has to be a BUT, it will be my foot on his butt. 
 
But see I can bet my BUTT that "HE" won't cheat. Doesn't have balls to.
He says I have set a bad example for all woman in general. Seriously how lazy is he.
 
 
Ok in all seriousness. I cheated once...
 
I was 24. Hubby was away overseas on a project. There was this guy in my Bangalore office who liked me. I lived in a different state so there was no meeting in person. He knew I was married and he still told me things like if you divorce I will marry you and shower me with compliments and flirt.
 
I felt great. Adrenalin rush. I felt special and important. Something I missed from my hubby then.
I flirted back. We exchanged emails. I wasn't going to break my marriage, I didn't love this guy, I still loved my husband. What was I thinking, I wasn't thinking but this was a good time pass till my man got home.
 
I decided to keep these details to myself and not get hubby involved. 
Hubby came back home after 6 months. Saw the emails one day and asked me only once what this is.
I replied It was harmless flirting. End of discussion.
Hubby never asked me anything else. He is this talks less, serious kinds. He treated me normally as if he knew I would never betray him. I began thinking if I would be ok if he flirted with his colleagues. And the answer was no. I was extremely grateful that hubby didn't make a fuss about this but I would have blown my top off if he did anything remotely similar.
I never spoke to that guy again. He called a few times and I told him I am busy. He got my point. 2 months later I switched jobs.
 
So did I cheat. I knew where this was going. I wanted the attention.
 
It wasn't physical or emotional cheating. But it was immoral.
 
I am glad hubby knew I loved him, he was mature and secure enough. And I don't think I can even think of cheating. But I got carried away momentarily and why one decides to cheat is still unclear.
 
If a marriage is dead there is no point in reviving it. IT is bound to remain lifeless.
I tell this to my husband every day. If he falls in love again, he should let me know and I will set him free.
 
Cheating is complicated. Some men/women are just dogs and bitches. To some it is where the needs of body meets the emotional security.
 
Often in a very happily married couple cheating begins because they have grown apart. They stopped making that effort to please one another. Taking each other for granted.
 
Marriage is a constant work in progress. Forever and Happily Ever After only exists in the FFs we write,In reality Forever involved a lot of headaches, fights and struggled understanding.
It also involves forgiveness which may not necessarily limit to just cheating.
 
I forgive him everyday for things big and small, for being this quiet, calm and seriously boring lazy man. And He forgives me for being a pain that he is committed to for the rest of his life.
 
Ok Am I drifting from the topic... If his Trunk was in some other junk I would chop it off.

Haha! I tell all my single friends not to get married and they look at me as if I'm crazy!

But great point, Juliet.  Cheating is complex... I think people view "What is cheating?" differently.

You felt as though you cheated,  but hubby took it for what it was - harmless flirting. Some people would say that's how it starts, others would believe that was all there was to it. Perception, I guess, is the key.

God, your last line ROFL

You've told me this before, and I don't doubt it for a second. But you and I both know that that you'd never be in that position. We are both married to separated-at-birth twins; brothers from other mothers :)

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Posted: 09 June 2014 at 11:11pm | IP Logged
love my life as a mom especially after having.. twins its handful but worth it...

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Posted: 09 June 2014 at 11:52pm | IP Logged
Exactly what I was asking. Juliet. You. Wait I'll come back to you. Anyway.


This is one step ahead.



Nothing physical.


No emotional bonding.


But there's plenty flirting.


There's a few category of flirt.




Harmless flirting.

Flirting.


Heavy flirting.

Stop talking.




Yes. In this order.



If this is not a marriage we're talking about, but a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship...then harmless flirting is a no. Flirting is a big no.

And then comes 'oh but he/she is only a very good friend. I can't have friends now?'


And then suddenly even heavy flirting is okay. Coz you gotta sound like you're cool. And understanding. And trusting. Boys love that apparently. My gf is cool. She knows me well to know I won't cheat on her. This is just friends hanging out. A lil flirting here and there is harmless.


And for the girls. Oh my bf is very secure. He knows how much I love him. And he doesn't control me, he lets me be. And he's mature enough to know that he's the man, unlike these 'boys'.


If all these don't work...

The defence: It's not like we're married.




In a marriage. Where you're actually secure (well you should be) And your wife, though nags she's so cool. And your husband every bit the 'man'...


I guess...

What happens at work stays at work. Right? Not even out for lunch. If you're both working that's fab. But if only he does...or she does...matter can get a lil tricky.


Juliet.




I can tell you for a fact that he's had his fair share of harmless flirting. And it is actually very harmless if at all you were to witness it. In fact I can imagine you going 'that's all? Come on my man gotta be better than this.' ;) But you did say he's the reserved kind.


Oh Juliet. I love this man. He asked you a question and he accepts your answer. Move along now. Did you prepare yourself beforehand? Coz I'm pretty sure he's okay with your answer coz you do make it sound like 'oh that? Yeah. Whatever. Boring. Wasted my time.' And surely they were harmless!


But if tables were turned, I'm so glad to know that you'd not be as accepting! Just a lil bias. I know I know, if ladies can do it why not guys? Still. A lil claiming by the wife can be good for the husband I heard. They know they still have it in them to make their wife go all fiery. In more ways than one.



This is some awesome life lesson. I gotta find my man. He's just you know, a lil lost. I guess I am too.


Anyway.


The question is who ultimately saves the marriage? As the topic points out is it always the spouse not in questioned? (I'm refraining from the word cheating here)

Coz from Juliet's story, I think her husband kinda did. Though there wasn't anything, really. And he's secure.


And Jules, you go make him happy. And please do some flirting of your own. With him. ;)



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Posted: 10 June 2014 at 8:43am | IP Logged
Here's my story!!!Wink
 

I've been in a situation like this..the only difference it was before I got married...He was my first love...the one that I married...I had no past..nothing that would pull me back...but his was the other way round...

We were best of friends...and even though he had never officially informed me about his girlfriend...I knew he was dating her. Then things changed between us...our paradigms shifted and he pursued me...I wasn't sure..so I dragged him along for almost 4 months before I said wat needed to be said...it was good..The relationship was not a fling..it was for real..for keeps...and it was more than just instant gratification... The only glitch..I wasn't the only one...

I don't know if I should call this cheating or...a transition that was left stranded for a while...

When I found out..he hadn't said goodbye to his old flame...I said goodbye...I walked...First time in my life...something didn't feel right in me...So far in my 22 years...I had always been  sure..never wavered. Never doubted. Never feared...now these emotions were seeping in..

But strangely..here we are...happy...loyal and content in our own lil world...we fight and have arguments...but that's never for a possibility of infidelity...he is not restricted to talk to girls..and me to guys...We compare notes all the time...how hot is that guy  I say..he agrees or disagrees. He is charming for some reason I can understand cos  that never worked on me..but I have seen girls..act goofy in front of him...I laugh...he is embaressed...wen I point that out..

He's been there done that...and I know...for a fact...he cant anymore..he's had options...and he never ventured... and I know where his heart lays...with me...I don't care about anything else...

 

So moral of the story..

Cheating...leaving..forgiving..they all are subjective to a situation...and also the strength of your relationship if its worth fighting for or not...

And no I don't agree relationships need constant work...atleast not for rebuilding the foundation all the time...the work for me...is when we are introduced to something very new...and we both have diff views...on a daily basis...all our relationship needs is a hug..a kiss..a joke...a smirk...and a sassy comment... and we are good...cos we know..the base at which this relationship stands...is the eternal kind...

Cheating is degrading. For the person who does so..and the person its done to..it hits your confidence...and your faith...it makes you insecure...or you are insecure that's why you cheated...if the 2 are not getting along...have the b**ls to sit and discuss...I am not satisfied...or you are not attentive...or I need XYZ from you...

And for all of us..that are so rigid with our notions...it will change if it happens to you(which I wish never ever ever happens...from the bottom of my heart)..cos the situation will ask you to weigh in..see wats important...and how important...if your partner...doesn't show regret..and has no desire to change..you know what needs to be done..but if it's a mistake cos the partner is human...and had a lapse of judgement...think about it..wats the value of the relationship..and then decide...

Its not that black and white...you can leave..but the love wont!!! And love is the one thing..that is worth fighting for..

 

PS...ya...ho sake to ...don't get married..says all the married gals including me!!! TongueLOL



Edited by -StarsLinedUp- - 10 June 2014 at 8:58am

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Posted: 10 June 2014 at 9:46am | IP Logged
Hey everyone,

I was just reading everyone's POV on this topic. Thanks Juliet for sharing your personal story with us. One needs lot of courage to accept that.   Clap

Like many others, I agree...it is easier to forgive but hard to forget. My other question is 'how can you trust that person again?' If they cheated once won't they do it again?

I've been happily married for twelve years now but it will be a big lie, if I say I've never been attracted to another man in this time span. I have...did I do anything about it??! No. I am committed to my marriage and will not risk it for anything.

I've always thought attraction is normal and unavoidable, and crushes are harmless if not acted on. Life goes through so many phases ...we just need to make the right choice :)


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