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The Yummy Mummy's of QH: Topic Six 01.07.14 - Pg 82 (Page 61)

Perfectionist2 IF-Dazzler
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Posted: 03 June 2014 at 12:03am | IP Logged
Originally posted by farz_parachute

Just a question...was there no fear of having your children be influenced by environmental culture?

It doesn't have to be a bad thing...but what if it is different than what you've thought your children?

My mother lived with the fear. Until we were very well in our teenage years (18???haha...since I'm the youngest)...

I just asked her about the issue...throwing in words like heritage and culture and all those. And she said. You're father is the sole reason for my constant fear. Then the world.



I regret asking.


But I think she was glad I did.


Just a question. Not that I need answers. But would appreciate some.



Imma go do some kid stuff. Like tell Papa I'm sorry if you don't get your TV slot and have to watch Revenge or Game of girlThrones or Law & Order or Scandal (depending on whatever's on) coz I kinda opened up an old wound. And mummy controls the remote.




Good news. I love Revenge. And Games of Thrones. And Law & Order. Not so much Scandal but I'll live.

Mummy cannot stand Glee.






Farz.
Love love love Revenge. So sexy. Law n order, not so much
But castle. Criminal minds...are good.
Love black list. Tried that. Simply enticing.

Couldn't do game of thrones haha. .
My hubby is an addict though. ..

About your question. ... I will let someone else answer...hehe

Edited by Perfectionist2 - 03 June 2014 at 12:05am

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Posted: 03 June 2014 at 12:17am | IP Logged
Originally posted by rajsmi

Wow!! This topic has def stirred every married woman's heart :-) Oh those MILs...
I thought I would be the only liberal gal here but it seems like there are quite a few strong, broadminded ones and it is really great to see that. I am 50 so I find very few in that age group.

I live in the US though brought up in India (Mumbai, Goa,Gujarat,Kerala) so I have seen different Indians and I spent 10 years of my 25 year marriage in Dubai with the rest here in the US. So, I guess I have seen a mixed bag in India, more secular in the Middle East and liberal in the US. I married my college sweetheart who is a Hindu like me but I am a Brahmin and he is way down the line, as folks say.

What I have realized in my 50 years of life is that most of the major issues in this world have started and are still ongoing, for more than 1000 years in the name of religion. Every religion has it's hierarchy system (defined or undefined) and between religions, there is a clash of which is the superior one. Be it in a broad circle or in the confines of one's family, religion is a prominent issue most of the time.

Take the "religion" out of mankind and we would be in a much better world, don't you think? We would like people for who they are, marry a person who we would be happy with, work for the betterment of mankind and not for religious institutions who tend to enforce laws to abide by and so forth...

And, over and above the religions, we have wealth and status to segregate us too! Isn't it all too much for this little world we live in?

I grew up with a very religious mother who goes to temples every so often, prays for hours on end daily. On the other hand, my agnostic dad was more of a Gandhian in his ways with no touch with material things...So, I am a skeptic :-) Hubby and kids are atheists and believe in science and that's all there is.
 
Culture- what is culture? If celebrating festivals is culture then I do not do that like normal people. I don't rush to make high fat and sugar sweets for Diwali and other Hindu festivals in the name of God to only feed our bodies and ruin it. The rate of diabetes has gone so high in India that people talk of it just like having a mild digestive issue. Isn't that scary?

I like talk to my boys about festivals as a time to bond with family, sit together and do things we love. I don't believe in doing pooja annually for my dad's death anniversary. Instead, we give food to the food bank. I tell my kids that being a Hindu and being Indian means we treat people with respect, whoever they may be and we help anyone we can but not at the cost of our own family. That has to be priority otherwise one can ruin one's life if we go to the extreme in helping others.

Raising the kids to be good human beings and being good role models ourselves is all I strive for and if I see that I have done a good job, then I have done absolute justice to my culture. I may look different from my neighbor but we can embrace each other and look beyond the superficial issues that seem to bother us :-(

Guess I have ranted enough...time for another topic, I guess! 

You are FABULOUS!  

I simply love your outlook and they way you've woven your culture into your boy's lives without any kind of indoctrination.

Your broad outlook and open-mindedness is indeed inspiring!

You've certainly done justice to your culture by raising your boys the way you have. I am not saying it's right or wrong - but it is the way I aspire to be with my son. 

Great job, and I love love LOVE your comment Hug

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Posted: 03 June 2014 at 12:23am | IP Logged
Originally posted by Perfectionist2

Originally posted by farz_parachute

Just a question...was there no fear of having your children be influenced by environmental culture?

It doesn't have to be a bad thing...but what if it is different than what you've thought your children?

My mother lived with the fear. Until we were very well in our teenage years (18???haha...since I'm the youngest)...

I just asked her about the issue...throwing in words like heritage and culture and all those. And she said. You're father is the sole reason for my constant fear. Then the world.



I regret asking.


But I think she was glad I did.


Just a question. Not that I need answers. But would appreciate some.



Imma go do some kid stuff. Like tell Papa I'm sorry if you don't get your TV slot and have to watch Revenge or Game of girlThrones or Law & Order or Scandal (depending on whatever's on) coz I kinda opened up an old wound. And mummy controls the remote.




Good news. I love Revenge. And Games of Thrones. And Law & Order. Not so much Scandal but I'll live.

Mummy cannot stand Glee.






Farz.
Love love love Revenge. So sexy. Law n order, not so much
But castle. Criminal minds...are good.
Love black list. Tried that. Simply enticing.

Couldn't do game of thrones haha. .
My hubby is an addict though. ..

About your question. ... I will let someone else answer...hehe

Farz and Juliet...

Ditto - I LOVE Revenge!

About your question, Farz... It can't be avoided in our life, where we live, how we live... so I guess it's ok with me. 

I want my son to experience "life" so if it means he learns something different in school than what I "try" teaching him... then so be it. All we can do thereafter is explain our opinion as parents, let him have his say and then come to some sort of compromise. 

New age parenting - here I come LOL

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Posted: 03 June 2014 at 12:37am | IP Logged
Originally posted by Perfectionist2

Originally posted by farz_parachute

Just a question...was there no fear of having your children be influenced by environmental culture?

It doesn't have to be a bad thing...but what if it is different than what you've thought your children?

My mother lived with the fear. Until we were very well in our teenage years (18???haha...since I'm the youngest)...

I just asked her about the issue...throwing in words like heritage and culture and all those. And she said. You're father is the sole reason for my constant fear. Then the world.



I regret asking.


But I think she was glad I did.


Just a question. Not that I need answers. But would appreciate some.



Imma go do some kid stuff. Like tell Papa I'm sorry if you don't get your TV slot and have to watch Revenge or Game of girlThrones or Law & Order or Scandal (depending on whatever's on) coz I kinda opened up an old wound. And mummy controls the remote.




Good news. I love Revenge. And Games of Thrones. And Law & Order. Not so much Scandal but I'll live.

Mummy cannot stand Glee.






Farz.
Love love love Revenge. So sexy. Law n order, not so much
But castle. Criminal minds...are good.
Love black list. Tried that. Simply enticing.

Couldn't do game of thrones haha. .
My hubby is an addict though. ..

About your question. ... I will let someone else answer...hehe

One last thing - I've spoken enough now!

External elements cannot be avoided. We can't protect our children from everything. Parents can only do their best, too.

 If we keep saying "you're not allowed, because of X Y and Z", we're actually doing them a disservice. Because when the day comes that they have to face the world for what it really is, they will be in for a rude awakening. 

Curiosity grows with over protection - sometimes.

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Posted: 03 June 2014 at 2:02am | IP Logged
Originally posted by -StarsLinedUp-

Hmm my story...

All my life I lived in a city where different cultures and religions were celebrated...studied in a catholic school had Christian, Muslim,Punjabi, Bengali,Marathi,South Indian friends...hung out at their places and celebrated all that they did...So I never knew such things existed...Rarely or rather never did me and my family or me and my friends discuss topics on religion or culture, cos it was a part of our lives and everything was openly accepted...

Family life also allowed me to be...never was I stopped at anything or told I was a certain way so I couldn't do other things...I wasn't considered inferior cos I was a girl and I wasn't  pulled down to believe in a certain thing...

Me coming from a solid Gujarati Bhramin family...where families have literally run temples all their life...I was the one that didn't even believe in the manmade institution of temples and holy places...I believe in god..and maybe a certain image of god suits my belief but that's where my religious values ened...I wasn't forced to pray as much as my family does...they jus t let me be...

All this changed when I met my guy... Punjabi/sikh/hindu...(he says he belongs to the human religion) He is the polar opposite of me...Culturally, religiously, and also by temperament..

Here I was, a girl getting really suffocated at entering a temple or something in its likes...who ended up with a guy that has to go to the gurudwara, everyday no matter what(if he is in a place with no Guurdwara he will bow down by the church..he's not picky) and a family that belives in so much superstations and norms..

It still amuses me  and at times annoys me..his connect to god  and his families obsession with certain beliefs..  but all I can do is let them be and continue with what I want to do.

Culturally I think...it was never an issue for us...he being a punjabi and me being a gujarati.. instead we are excited..our kids get to learn atleast 4 languages.LOL.

But culture does pose a problem when older generations are thrown into the mix...Cos no matter how much they try..its hard for them to think otherwise...

My side of the family doesn't care...Inlaws at times question...

My ways make them wonder...how can a girl be so outspoken...she needs to be coy..punjabi girls are so family oriented how come..u are so outgoing???   Married Punjabi gals deck up...how come u rarely put on makeup...That's not how we do it...are you sure your way is the right way?? Questions down this line are more than many times thrown at me... It annoys me...especially when cultural differences are discussed in public... But I don't believe I need to let in..or let go...I am just going to be... I don't know what the future of my kids will be...I don't have to worry about cultural issues..cos I want them to be...and pick up wat works for them as individuals

What I do worry about even before I have any kids is the question of their heritage...that being raising a strong rooted...globally educated Indian.. There's always going to be pro's and con's of living outside of India...and yes I can let my kids to decide when they are old enough to decide...but as far as their roots and foundation go..I am a little anal. I cant help but want to raise them back home...that's one thing I am adamant about... So far in almost a decade of living out of India..I still am that homesick...girl that fought not wanting to leave India...and so is my husband who's been here longer...Lets see what happens when the kids come along!!!

 

Lastly...heritage, culture and beliefs...should be respected and kept in their respective corners..Adjust...dont compromise...compromise only creates regrets!!! Be and  let be...and for all that are affected by ppl other than your partner..sometimes..all we can do is stand up for ourselves...If they seek respect..they need to give respect as well!!

 

I have been married for over 3 years...and so far..the only issues me and my husband have had was where to live??...religion..beliefs and cultural ways have never come in our...our marriage as a norm was according to the girls side...they let go of their gurudwara marriage for a hindu ceremony...but individually we both went about our respective ceremonies...I wore the chuda..he let his feet washed a million times in 0 degree temperature outdoors!! He's from delhi..I am from Baroda...we married in Jaipur...simple as that...meet halfway!!! Or move away!!

Are you me?...no seriously...
Gujju Brahm - check
Aversion to temples - check
married into a different religion/culture - check
lived away from home (I think u mentioned this) - check
upbringing and culture issues raised by ILs - check
Grew up in Mumbai - so check being around multiple cultures all my life

So I married a Marwari Jain guy (from an orthodox family - compared to mine). We have never had issues with regards to religion. We lived in US most our married life. I celebrate Paryushan with more zest than him. He is not religious, nor am I. 

I am spiritual. I believe in God and his presence around me. But I do not believe that the temple/ mosque/church/etc. is the only place to pray. I question religious practices and have my own explanations for why something made sense in the days gone by but make no sense today.

And this my friends irks my ILs and my mom a lot. I go to the temple during religious occasions coz I like the festivities there. But outside of it, I do not force myself to visit there. I pray when I feel like, where I feel. Last visit, my MIL had an argument with me about how my kids don't go to the temple or know nothing of their religion. I told them that since I don't know, the onus is on them or their son. I will teach them what I know, but for more I am really clueless. As for the temple, I don't like going. Apparently, I am impossible and have the weirdest notions about things.

Their criticism gets to me sometimes but mostly I try to ignore them.

Coming to the kids, I want to raise them as good humans who know to respect humans more than religions. To be brutally honest, Hubby and I have never had a conversation about religion. On forms I write Jain/Hindu based on what options are available. He never questions anything I teach my kids. We have a temple in the house. I go in the room when I feel like, but I bow my head from outside every time I pass by. He does not argue with me about this. He is teaching kids to step in everyday and pray and I am glad he is doing this. 

Now that is just religion.

Kids were born in US but are being raised here in India. I am going with the assumption that they will eventually move back and I try to expose them to the culture there too. Its not because I prefer one over another, I do no want them to grow with identity issues. Better to have multiple identities and growing comfortably into them than to reach a stage in life where u don't know who you are.

We have a no questions barred policy at home. Just last night at bedtime, older son asked about a "dwarf" kid in the society. We did not have an answer on how to explain a 6 year old about dwarfism, especially in a child friendly way. This morning we discussed it between us and looked online for help. So yeah, basically, we answer all questions asked as best as we can and religion is one topic we especially encourage them to talk about. 

I don't know if I answered the question.


Edited by QueenOfMyCastle - 03 June 2014 at 1:59am

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Posted: 03 June 2014 at 2:08am | IP Logged
Originally posted by vinita459



Oh dear! Tell me about it. It is very difficult to stay with In laws. My MIL is a good lady but I really miss staying by ourselves. And what frustrates me the most is that his elder brother lives 20 minutes away but she never goes to stay with them. The elder DIL doesn't treat her well so she stays with us. Oh, and and not to forget the elder DIL belongs to their community where as I am not Angry

From what I have seen around me...it's always the outsider, who is made to feel like one all her life taking care of the ILs. No idea how that comes about but it is true for all my cousins. And I have given my ILs open invitation to live with me when need be. And I don't even get along with them...I am an IDIOT.LOLLOL

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Posted: 03 June 2014 at 2:11am | IP Logged
Originally posted by Tamara27


This has turned into an interesting topic. 

We started off with duelling cultures and ended up lamenting our in-laws!

ROFL

But love makes it all worthwhile, doesn't it,  ladies?
One of my friends husbands always tells...put two married unknown to each other women together and within a few minutes they will be best friends talking about their MIL issues. 

We just proved him right again.ROFL

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Posted: 03 June 2014 at 2:21am | IP Logged
Originally posted by QueenOfMyCastle

Originally posted by Tamara27


This has turned into an interesting topic. 

We started off with duelling cultures and ended up lamenting our in-laws!

ROFL

But love makes it all worthwhile, doesn't it,  ladies?
One of my friends husbands always tells...put two married unknown to each other women together and within a few minutes they will be best friends talking about their MIL issues. 

We just proved him right again.ROFL

Hate to say it, but he must often be proven right! Haha!

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