The Yummy Mummy's of QH: Topic Six 01.07.14 - Pg 82 - Page 46

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Divya.S.R

@Divya.S.R

IF-Dazzler

Posted: 9 years ago

Originally posted by: Tamara27

Well, that's the thing, isn't it? You have boys, right, Vinita?

We can't change the past, but our children are our chance to change the world. You live in the US? Then chances are, your sons will most probably marry American girls - nothing wrong with that. You are armed with the knowledge of how to be a great MIL - just don't be what your MIL is to you ;)

Your chance to change things will come in time. Chances are, you're never going to change your MIL's behaviour, but you can feel smug knowing that you will never be that kind of MIL.

That's correct.. Past is out of our hands... but the future still is in our hands...

Everytime my MIL does something I feel is wrong.. I keep reminding myself That I would never be so...

My mom keeps telling me now my MIL has the chance to trouble me but sooner or later there will a time when she will sit and repent for all that, that she has done..

You totally correct.. I know ranting away about these problems are not gonna lead to a solution, as those things cannot be changed now..

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Tamara27

@Tamara27

IF-Rockerz

+ 4

Posted: 9 years ago

Originally posted by: -StarsLinedUp-

O boy...why dont u give ur MIL a piece of ur mind...she needs to back off a little..and u should teach ur kids bout ur religion and culture for sure...such incidents happen...mine was cos I was not used to putting dark lipsticks and heavy makeup and jewellery...like many Indian ladies do..
on my shagun/roka..watever u wanna call it...I was told in front of the family how I looked plain...even when I had makeup on..after marriage...Punjabi brides wear certain colors...dress a certain way..etc etc..why dont u..u should dress up...I am like i am not a punjabi..and I dont want to be..I am a gujarati..and we dont do all this...that ticked her off...but my husband supported me...
but she didnt back off...1 week after I got married...she insulted me...my dressing sense...my hairstlye and my makeup in front of atleast 20-30 women...its was my hubb'y cousins cocktail party...that broke my heart beyond repair..and closed my door towards her...till date..even though she calls me her daughter I dont call her mom..its just doesnt come on my tongue...she hurt me on the basis of culture and traditions..and pushed me to be something that I am not..and she lost any chances of a relationship with me

This is understandable of you... but still so unbelievable of her!

I honestly get shocked when I hear things like this because I am as close to my MIL as I am to my mom. In fact, we're so alike that we often tease my hubby, saying he married his mother!

But I know this happens a lot, especially within the indian community. It's really sad, but we are the generation that will change it, provided we don't allow and promote segregation amongst culture and religions.

I hope that my son never figures out race, religion and the differences it can create. I know it's unrealistic, but then... I'm very idealistic :)

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-StarsLinedUp-

@-StarsLinedUp-

IF-Dazzler

+ 3

Posted: 9 years ago

Originally posted by: Tamara27

This is understandable of you... but still so unbelievable of her!

I honestly get shocked when I hear things like this because I am as close to my MIL as I am to my mom. In fact, we're so alike that we often tease my hubby, saying he married his mother!

But I know this happens a lot, especially within the indian community. It's really sad, but we are the generation that will change it, provided we don't allow and promote segregation amongst culture and religions.

I hope that my son never figures out race, religion and the differences it can create. I know it's unrealistic, but then... I'm very idealistic :)

Aashna she means well..she is just naive and doesnt know what she is talking about is what I get to hear anytime she does something in the line of shunning me and my ways...I guess she is...she is caring and warm and is always ready to help...but we cant connect...I never thought that would be the case...I tend to get along alright with people..but being with them makes me feel bad for not feelin a connect with them...

Mine is not an extreme case..but still it takes a toll on my sanity...if I live around them and in the future my kids..all I can see is them teaching my kids fear..and a lot of social norms...I want my kids to be free of such ideas...I want them to love cos something is worthy...not cos its the norm...I want to shed them of any fear...and cultural rules...teach to fear...

the coming generation is going to be smart, shrewd and a lil selfish..but as far as that doesnt hinder their goodness I am ok with it...I doubt I need to worry bout such issues..cos I've always been above it...I get defensive when I hear someone bragging about their culture in comparision to mine...I dont care but if u constantly poke and insist...I will assert...and that doesnt always go well...

Btw I am glad ur idealistic..and worry not it will rub off on ur kids...wat we believe gets to them without fail..n if its the right thing...it will find a way to stick...so worry not...😉

Edited by -StarsLinedUp- - 9 years ago

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18533

Inactive

Posted: 9 years ago

Originally posted by: Tamara27

Well, that's the thing, isn't it? You have boys, right, Vinita?

We can't change the past, but our children are our chance to change the world. You live in the US? Then chances are, your sons will most probably marry American girls - nothing wrong with that. You are armed with the knowledge of how to be a great MIL - just don't be what your MIL is to you ;)

Your chance to change things will come in time. Chances are, you're never going to change your MIL's behaviour, but you can feel smug knowing that you will never be that kind of MIL.

You are absolutely right. We need to make the change. I will try my best not to interfere in their personal lives.

They can get marry with whomever they want. We will fulfill our responsibility as parents by instilling good values and traditions. First and foremost they need to be good human beings.

From now onwards, I have set very low expectations from them. I do not want me or my hubby to be ever dependent on them for anything when we grow old.

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anopama

@anopama

IF-Rockerz

+ 2

Posted: 9 years ago

I am a mom of 4 boys and it is tough but I have coped

I was born and brought up in Guyana I am a Hindu by birth

When I was growing up I was not allowed to go out or to have friends like boys etc

After marriage I migrated to canada and it is a diverse country well Guyana was the same too

But I have dealt with fitting in and being like my friends to be allowed to do like they do

And eat certain things etc

My son has have it tough not really I did bcuz first I was like my parents very strict and then I have adjusted with the time an the place

I have thought my boys right from wrong I have made many mistakes and I told them to learn from my mistakes so they don't make their own

Being boys it is different compared to girls

As a Hindu we don't eat beef and pork and I have taught my kids that but when they were younger and see their cousins having hamburgers and steaks and pepperoni pizza and they would ask why they can't have so I had to give them the reason y we don't eat it but I was never thought that by my parents and I never questioned my parents we just took what they say but now the kids question everything

I tried to teach my kid to be yourself and not try to be someone else

I had them involve in temple and into singing in the temples too and they didn't fight me they have been brought up Hindu who r Canadians and proud

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Saima Syed

@Saima-Syed

IF-Sizzlerz

+ 4

Posted: 9 years ago

Hey

I am away for less than 24 hours and look what I have missed.

Firstly I would like to thank all of you for taking part, you guys have shared a lot of personal experiences, something that is not always easy to do.

I wasn't sure which direction the topic would go, or even if it would gain an interest but it really has.

What is amazing is that so many of you have so many commonalities, a strong foundation to build upon, which I think is a beautiful thing. Some of you have had good positive experiences and others have not been so lucky, but what is brilliant is that you have created a platform upon which you can vent, discuss, advise and just off load to one another without the fear of being judged.

As women we get caught up in so many aspects in life that we forget to celebrate the fact that we are women.

Don't get me wrong women can be cruel and evil, everyone probably has experienced the wrath if a woman before whether it be an unreasonable mother in law or just a unkind associate of some kind, what is important and so many of you highlighted is to make sure that as we get older as we become parents not to repeat what has passed, like you said nothing can change the past but the future is in our hands.

As mothers, as protectors of our children we have a responsibility to ensure that we give all our children an equal, kind, enjoyable and full of confidence upbringing. Educating a child about religion and culture is just as important as teaching them the laws of gravity. There needs to be a balance between deen (religion) and duniya (world).

You can compromise, negotiate and sacrifice but if it means to live in regret and sorrow because of these things then is it really worth it?

Women are strong, they can bear as much emotional pain as any physical pain, but everyone had a breaking point and that is what scares me.

I am glad that we have been able to come together here, talking about the past doesn't change it, correct. But it help lift the burden a little.

I know this post is long and not very coherent but was trying to cover a lot of the point made in all your conversations.

I once read a quote which I will share with you

'If you are searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror'

Home is where the heart is and change comes with good intentions only

Lots of love to you all

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927697

Inactive

Posted: 9 years ago

Wow!! This topic has def stirred every married woman's heart :-) Oh those MILs...

I thought I would be the only liberal gal here but it seems like there are quite a few strong, broadminded ones and it is really great to see that. I am 50 so I find very few in that age group.

I live in the US though brought up in India (Mumbai, Goa,Gujarat,Kerala) so I have seen different Indians and I spent 10 years of my 25 year marriage in Dubai with the rest here in the US. So, I guess I have seen a mixed bag in India, more secular in the Middle East and liberal in the US. I married my college sweetheart who is a Hindu like me but I am a Brahmin and he is way down the line, as folks say.

What I have realized in my 50 years of life is that most of the major issues in this world have started and are still ongoing, for more than 1000 years in the name of religion. Every religion has it's hierarchy system (defined or undefined) and between religions, there is a clash of which is the superior one. Be it in a broad circle or in the confines of one's family, religion is a prominent issue most of the time.

Take the "religion" out of mankind and we would be in a much better world, don't you think? We would like people for who they are, marry a person who we would be happy with, work for the betterment of mankind and not for religious institutions who tend to enforce laws to abide by and so forth...

And, over and above the religions, we have wealth and status to segregate us too! Isn't it all too much for this little world we live in?

I grew up with a very religious mother who goes to temples every so often, prays for hours on end daily. On the other hand, my agnostic dad was more of a Gandhian in his ways with no touch with material things...So, I am a skeptic :-) Hubby and kids are atheists and believe in science and that's all there is.

Culture- what is culture? If celebrating festivals is culture then I do not do that like normal people. I don't rush to make high fat and sugar sweets for Diwali and other Hindu festivals in the name of God to only feed our bodies and ruin it. The rate of diabetes has gone so high in India that people talk of it just like having a mild digestive issue. Isn't that scary?

I like talk to my boys about festivals as a time to bond with family, sit together and do things we love. I don't believe in doing pooja annually for my dad's death anniversary. Instead, we give food to the food bank. I tell my kids that being a Hindu and being Indian means we treat people with respect, whoever they may be and we help anyone we can but not at the cost of our own family. That has to be priority otherwise one can ruin one's life if we go to the extreme in helping others.

Raising the kids to be good human beings and being good role models ourselves is all I strive for and if I see that I have done a good job, then I have done absolute justice to my culture. I may look different from my neighbor but we can embrace each other and look beyond the superficial issues that seem to bother us :-(

Guess I have ranted enough...time for another topic, I guess!

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ChocoBerry

@ChocoBerry

IF-Rockerz

+ 4

Posted: 9 years ago

A quote from Swami Vivekananda that I'd like to share

"Insaan ko uss waqt tak koi nahi hara sakta,

Jab tak woh apne aap se naa haar jaye."

Have a winning life.

This quote, I feel, is apt for a lot of us who have shared our life and experiences on this thread.

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Divya.S.R

@Divya.S.R

IF-Dazzler

Posted: 9 years ago

Originally posted by: LoveOnlyAsYa
A quote from Swami Vivekananda that I'd like to share

"Insaan ko uss waqt tak koi nahi hara sakta,
Jab tak woh apne aap se naa haar jaye."

Have a winning life.

This quote, I feel, is apt for a lot of us who have shared our life and experiences on this thread.

Touche.. That's a perfect quote for many of us... And one which every one of us should keep in mind... 👏

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Tamara27

@Tamara27

IF-Rockerz

+ 4

Posted: 9 years ago

Originally posted by: anopama
I am a mom of 4 boys and it is tough but I have coped
I was born and brought up in Guyana I am a Hindu by birth
When I was growing up I was not allowed to go out or to have friends like boys etc
After marriage I migrated to canada and it is a diverse country well Guyana was the same too
But I have dealt with fitting in and being like my friends to be allowed to do like they do
And eat certain things etc
My son has have it tough not really I did bcuz first I was like my parents very strict and then I have adjusted with the time an the place
I have thought my boys right from wrong I have made many mistakes and I told them to learn from my mistakes so they don't make their own
Being boys it is different compared to girls
As a Hindu we don't eat beef and pork and I have taught my kids that but when they were younger and see their cousins having hamburgers and steaks and pepperoni pizza and they would ask why they can't have so I had to give them the reason y we don't eat it but I was never thought that by my parents and I never questioned my parents we just took what they say but now the kids question everything
I tried to teach my kid to be yourself and not try to be someone else
I had them involve in temple and into singing in the temples too and they didn't fight me they have been brought up Hindu who r Canadians and proud

This is wonderful! I love that you give them their freedom and still teach them what you think they need to know. The most important thing is that they are proud of who they are, who you are and their upbringing.

But four boys? You are one brave woman! 😆

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