I am not in favour of blatantly asserting your identity the way Sanchi does.
But what I point at, is that even when someone does something good and praiseworthy, she is not praised for what she did. It is not, "You're so good". It is, "Hey! You're exactly like Anandi!"
Is it fair? Is it right or does it help anyone start afresh if constant references and comparisons are made to ex wife and DIL?
Ganga has quietly worked around and bonded with Singhs and Jagya. But even in praise, she is not praised for her qualities. But DS raves about her being "ekdum Anandi jaisi".
I do not think it is fair to her (or someone like her who has goodness and qualities to be ideal wife and DIL).
It is not always about ego. I think there is something called self respect too. Isn't it?
Openly comparing family members and relations is never advisable. Even among siblings. Here we are talking a SENSITIVE relation - that of a wife and DIL! And who is she compared with? Ex wife and DIL?
Compare and contrast is natural human tendency. But in sensitive family matters, shouldn't it be done privately and not on people's faces the way Singhs do?
No one endorsed it when Jagya used to compare Gauri and Anandi (during that triangle track). No one liked it when DS deliberately kept Gauri in house so that all (including Jagya) could compare and contrast between her and Anandi.
No one liked Sugna or Anandi even thinking about their exes though it was natural for them to at least think!
Would anyone ever tolerate let alone endorse Anandi comparing between her parents, former in laws and current in laws, even in her thoughts, alone to herself, let alone on anyone's face?
Would anyone have liked if Sugna or Anandi had praised Shyam or Shiv in comparative sense, saying, "Oh you're way better than Pratap or Jagya!"???
It is different to compare students, employees or products or places. But different and sensitive, comparing humans. That too, the ones who are in your home and are (or are about to be) in a relation as sensitive as marriage.
I have a relative who divorced his first wife and years later married again. I miss his former wife and was closer to her than I can ever be to his second wife. Many others in family, like his second wife but do miss his former one and at times feel he made a mistake by divorcing her. BUT, NONE OF US ever talk about his first wife in his or his new wife's presence. We never compare his second wife to first one, in front of them. Even if we talk in comparison, we do so, in their absence. Rather our elders discourage such comparative talks and tell us to let it be and go with the flow. Everyone treats the second wife with respect for who she is. Rather, we all, don't even let her feel that she is second wife. I respect her and bond with her well. I maintain to my parents that my bond with her is not like the one I had with the previous one. But NO WAY, do I make it apparent to her. Each one of us bonds with her on individual basis. And no one compares her on her face. No one mentions that relative's former marriage to him anymore, on his face.
Even when any of us find anything praiseworthy in his second wife - be it her behaviour, education, looks or anything else, we praise her as it is. No one says, "Oh you're better than the previous one!" or "Oh you have this quality but the previous one didn't!"
Everyone is careful in their words and conduct. And I remember that even when they were contemplating his second marriage, they would discuss "comparisons" or past only privately. And not on prospective match's faces!
This is how everyone has helped each other move forward and start afresh in life.
I think if we had kept mentioning our affinity towards the divorced woman who is no longer in family, or kept making that relative feel ashamed or making him feel like he had made a mistake and kept the former one as a gold standard to compare and contrast with - OPENLY, then there was NO WAY that man would have moved on in life. He was also not ready for remarriage anyway!
Such matters need tact and sensitivity in the way they are handled.
Can Jagya truly start his life afresh if he is forever reminded of his ex wife and if his wife to be or wife is constantly compared to ex wife?
Can his wife to be/wife ever feel emotionally secure and have satisfaction that she has a place for herself in this family and she is accepted in it, if she is compared to ex wife and ex DIL even in praise?
Or does a woman always have to be made to feel that she has to work or is working to progress in fitting in the Anandi model or filling some void?
"No you're not like Anandi!"/"Wow! That's much like Anandi!"/"Now you're completely like Anandi!"/"Hey you are better than Anandi!" - is this an appropriate way to talk to any woman, on her face?
Shouldn't one also take care of others' feelings and self respect while talking?
It is not always about ego. There is something called self esteem and self respect. Isn't it?
It is not the woman's responsibility to keep the family together alone. It is also the family's responsibility to make her feel she is their family, she is accepted and valued there and she has a place for her own with them!
One is valued for what one means to the family or one is valued for filling in others' shoes only?
These are family matters and not some reality show where contestants are being openly judged and compared and rated, going to next round or eliminated or getting wild card entries.
I do think a family should maintain a basic courtesy while talking to someone and do think about how one would feel, before just shooting words from their mouth.
Respecting Anandi, not being able to get over her etc., is fine. But open and constant comparisons are not. Or are they?
Comparisons do no good. But they have full potential to someday cause problems - whether done between siblings or bizarre - in case of spouses!