Joined: 08 June 2010
Joined: 03 April 2012
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Joined: 09 February 2012
Sorry sorry sorry sorry! I know this update has taken over a month! I am in my last year of graduate school and can't get even a minute to slip away to write anymore.
Here is my latest update- I promise at least for the next week or two, you will get a couple of chapters of updates. I will only continue this if you all are still interested in it. So Please please please, COMMENT AND LIKE if you are interested and want me to continue.
Thank you for all of the amazing/sweet/thoughtful comments on this FF so far! Your words inspire me to write and will always keep me writing.
Hugs and Kisses to all the readers who are patient with me!
MERRY CHRISTMAS- TO THOSE WHO CELEBRATE!
P.S.- devilaonmoon- the characters I write are based off of real personalities and people I meet-, Virat's character in all of my stories reflect the likes and dislikes of my love =) Good eye!
Khushi of course made me recollect all of my moments with Virat- it was almost detailed enough to the point of me counting how many times he blinked per minute. I tried to show her I was unaffected, but she knew me better than I knew myself. So she called my bluff within a few seconds.
"He sounds really sweet!" she squealed, jumping onto her bed.
She stopped bouncing around and became serious. She took my arm and pulled me beside her to sit. "It's time to let you guard down and trust someone. How long are you going to keep to just the few close friends you have? Not everyone is bad, you know. Who knows? At some point, you may miss out on something amazing because you are questioning whether or not someone is trustworthy, rather than just letting yourself take a chance."
"I know. But..."
"You have me every step of the way. I will check him out myself and ask around. But twice now he has been around you and has not even tried to make a move on you. So, either he's gay or he's a respectful person. Either way, you said you for some reason feel safe around him. So then what have you got to lose? You will either make a good friend or you will learn from the experience. But you can't succeed in anything without risking it. You cant always play safe with your heart."
After we caught up some more- which consisted mostly of a one-sided monologue from her about how I need to learn to trust and let people in, she finally fell asleep. Unable to sleep, I tossed and turned for a while, until I just accepted that I probably wasn't going to get any sleep tonight. My thoughts turned to Virat. I wanted to trust him, and I had no real reason not to, but trusting people, and expecting things from them had never really gotten me too far before.
I guess I became guarded at a very young age in order to protect myself. I was 13 when my parents began having financial troubles. It was a few weeks after my brother left for college and never turned back. Before he left, he promised to keep in touch on a weekly basis and told me we would be closer than ever before.
Anyway, the result of him leaving for college was that he became an absentee brother and son for nearly the next 5 or so years. Being the younger child who always looked up to her older sibling and placed him on a pedestal, I took it hard. I still take it hard. When I needed him, he was nowhere to be found. I was 13 and had to somehow pull my parents back together after they lost their business, and I really needed my older brother there. Instead, i took care of my parents, and to help them heal, i pretended to be happy all the time. In reality, I waited until they left for work to cry until my eyes were heavy and had no tears left.
It's hard to trust too many people when you have to learn to protect yourself at 13. And its hard to let anyone in when you learn just how horrible people can be. But I was nave and too trustworthy even still. And I trusted yet another person with my heart. I met a boy through a mutual friend when I was 14. I considered myself too young to be dating and didn't want to date a person until I fell in love with the person first. But he and I became best friends. He took the pain I was facing away. He just made it stop hurting. In that time, I finally stopped crying every night and instead found a comforting voice to fall asleep to. . And after two years of him professing his love to me, I found out the entire friendship was a lie. I realized that the reason he was pushing me away was the fact that his girlfriend of 8 months was jealous of me- a girlfriend I didn't even know existed.
And I guess after then, I became reserved. I kept a small circle of friends- friends that I knew for a fact I could trust with my life. And I truly think that was for the best. I prefer quality over quantity any day, and I knew my friends and I would do anything for each other. No matter how hard I try, I cant let go of the hurt that I felt years ago. It's still so fresh in my memory- so vivid that to this day, thinking about it, and talking about it makes my heart twist in pain. Since then, I have confronted both my brother and the boy, but to no avail. Because neither of them care about anyone but themselves. I cant expect sincerity from those who have no ability to love others and no compassion in their hearts for others' pain. I try to console myself by telling myself that the boy was stupid because we were teenagers and that my brother had a lot of problems that he was facing. I try to find explanations. But all three of us know there are none. Because there never was and never will be an excuse to not be humane.
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