To me happiness is the feeling that fills my heart with a warm feeling - a sense of satisfaction.
As a kid I was very competitive: I always had to get the top grade in the class. I had to win every medal in every academic challenge there was. I had to be a leader in every team we were asked to work in.
Apart from the joy of being the best, staying at the top meant that I was going to go to the next game, next challenge - something new, something refreshing and something invigorating. That was my driving force. That was my happiness.
Some doctors are happy by the look on the face of a patient they had saved. That look of: Thank you, you are an angel who saved my life.
For some doctors, the laurels and applauds they get from their peers and community make them happy.
None of those two had any appeal to me.
What was appealing to me was to know the art of saving the patient. Every case was unique and every patient had different characteristics. In short it was process of saving that was more satisfying to me, not the actual saving; even though both are interdependent on each other.
Virat - the worst mistake of my life - as I have been realizing since the last one year we have been raising a son together. The mistake is not that I have left him but it is that I had married him. Even when we were marrying, I was sure that it was a mistake.
We were young. I wanted the world. He wanted me and did not want to share me with the world. You could see the error in that equation. I wanted to fly and he was the anchor. We just wanted different things.
Contrary to what people think, I was not involved with Samir when I was with Virat. I had a wide-eyed appreciation for the talent and skills he possessed as a doctor. My attraction for him was on an intellectual level.
He taught me new things in the operating room, every single day. I got to experience happiness of a kind that I had never shared with Virat. I was protective about that mentor I saw in Samir at that point. As time passed, that was what would attract me to him. The was what would make me blind to the kind of psychopath he is.
People come into this world, they get married, they have kids and then the kids get married and have more kids, then they die - that cycle of life did not interest me in anyway. I realize that some people are capable of springing out unbound happiness from the cycle.That was not where my happiness lay. I wanted to experience life, explore the frontiers of medicine, make and leave my mark in the field.
Virat is man of love and affection, a man who puts love and family above everything. When I saw him with my sister, I felt like I could have been in her place. Something inside me pricked, painfully. I could have still been the person I wanted to be, with the person I wanted to be with. I felt guilty that I did not have what Manvi had in her life - stability and support, love and affection.
But, the truth is, I had all that and I did care for it. I had thrown all that away. If I got it back. I would throw it, all over again.
Virat knows me well to realize that. He did not trust me with Abhi. Because he knew that I get an interesting job offer, and I will leave everything and fly away. It was what I had done with him. I regret having done that to him. It felt like he stabbed me when he took custody of Abhi, but as early as a few weeks down the line, I realized that I could never had been able to give Abhi the support system Manvi and Virat were providing.
Manvi - I could never figure how that little girl could have both career and family and balance it so well. It enraged me that she could. It enraged me that she could provide to Virat, what I could not. But, then I realized her drive - the kind of happiness she searches for - She is the kind of doctor who is happy just by the fact that you are healthy and smiling again. She feeds off that happiness.
In a way, I have to be thankful to her for undoing the damage I did to an amazing guy like Virat. He deserves to be happy. They both do.
I do not hide what I want from life anymore. This society places undue stress upon girls about the concept of love, love for this perfect guy that you will cherish for the rest of your life. What if the love that you cherish for the rest of the life is not a 'person.' What if that person actually stands as a barrier from you and 'love that you will cherish for the rest of your life.'
How ever much amazing that "person" is, will not matter, you will NEVER be able to cherish him, never be able to reciprocate his affection heart-fully. Seeing that the person still unconditionally loves you, inspite of you making very apparent that you need something else, something more, something different - you will invariably hurt him.
It will hurt you to see him hurting, but you will not be able to keep yourself from hurting him, again, and again, and again. You wish and not wish that he just stops loving you, stops showering all this trust and affection on you.
I wish I had the courage and sensibility to tell him that "Virat, this is not about you. I just want different things from life." Maybe the damage could have been mitigated. But instead, I chose to take the easier path. I blamed it all on him. That he did not want the same things I wanted. That he is different than I am.
Then, I as ran far away from him as I could, because I could not see him hurting.
I loved the way he took my hurt away inspite of how hurting he himself was. That was why I kept going back to him whenever I felt like a bad person; kept calling him every now and then, ignoring the fact that it was preventing him from moving on in his life. He always managed to make me feel like a good person. It disgusts me that I did that to him.
Again, I wish I did not hurt him. I wish I wanted the same thing as him. I wish I did not want the things I had wanted from life. But, what you want is simply what you want. You cannot do anything about it.
But now, I have accepted the fact of life. This is how I am. I gave Virat and Manvi all rights towards Abhi. I know he will grow up to be an amazing guy like his father. I visit him and spend time with him when I am in the town. But, that is how much I am able to do. That is fine. There are things that make me more happy in my life than taking my kid around to karate and swimming classes all day - I know it has its own joys to some. I have made my peace with it.
I had heart-fully loved Simmy at a point in my life. But, now I heart-fully love the fact that she is out of my life. Loving her was the same as banging my head against a wall. She never responded the way that I wanted her to.
You may ask why I had fell for her at all. I was young and I was fatally attracted to her. I could even go so far as to say that I found her spirit towards life very refreshing. She always wanted to experience "new" things. Of course, I did not realize that I would become "old" to her in due time.
But when she started drifting away from me, I felt cheated. I felt like I owned her and it was her duty to be with me - That she was mine. What I did not realize was that she was an independent individual with a set of dreams and aspirations of her own, from life. And that these could be incompatible with my own.
It is like I wanted to buy a house and she wanted to buy a ship. There is no middle ground.
That is what happens when you commit to a person when you are young - you do not know what you want from life and by the time you know, the person you have committed to does not want that 'very' thing. Tragic, but true!
It was wrong of me to put the entire blame on Simmy. I had no way to share her happiness and this is just a sad truth that I could do nothing about. In the same way that she did not find any interest in the things that made me happy.
The only person responsible for my life going haywire after Simmy left is 'ME.'
I should have been adult enough to not let a girl affect my entire life. Shit happens! Her loss! - should have been my response. Instead, I chose the path of self-pity. I assigned all my failures to her and did nothing to reverse the situation other than get-by.
She did not handle the situation in a mature way. But neither did I. What can anyone do - we were immature!
I needed a wake-up call and I got that in the form of Manvi. With her, I share a different kind of bond. We can make each other happy. We both do things we love with our career. But, we both put family above career. She is the love of my life and she is part of my life in a way that enriches and brightens it. We compliment each other perfectly. Every joy is greater and every sorrow is deeper with her. She is my life-partner and my soul-mate.
Marrying Simmy, going thorough a life-altering and heart-breaking divorce was totally worth it because it allowed me to meet her. My happiness.